Isn't everyone obsessive when they meet someone they really like?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I tend to be an obsessive over-analyser in relationships/dating. My obsessivness is really only reserved for a select few, the guys that I am REALLY into. The others I date; see me more as an ice queen (according to them ) and feel that I lack emotion (if only they knew...).

 

My ex has pointed out that he always found my obsessivness and over-anlysing unattractive.

 

I have been trying to work on that and it SEEMED to get better, but the trick was, I never truly liked the guys I dated in the last few months. So of course, I didn't care/think much of when and if they replied to texts or e-mails, when they called, did they seem distant etc etc.

 

Reading many threads on here, I got the impresion that MOST people do the obsessive thing when they are into someone, at least in the beginning stages. I am not even sure if it's that much of a flaw or if I really need to work on it...perhaps it's just part of human nature and falling in love.

 

Or maybe I should stick to dating guys I am not really into.

 

Thoughts?

[mesmerized]

In my experience most girls seem to be very obsessive. Men, not so much although I've seen men obsessing too.

[SunandMoon]

Honestly guilty of this. And not even in just relationships it seems. Just when you find somebody you REALLY like you want to spend as time in their company as possible and think about them non-stop. So long as it is controlled and not rampant to the point where you annoy the person, I don't see it being too much of a problem.

 

I view it as a normal. It's called passion; good thing.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Honestly guilty of this. And not even in just relationships it seems. Just when you find somebody you REALLY like you want to spend as time in their company as possible and think about them non-stop. So long as it is controlled and not rampant to the point where you annoy the person, I don't see it being too much of a problem.

 

I view it as a normal. It's called passion; good thing.

 

I am definetely not the type to hound someone with messages and calls., even during the most obsessive phase. Yes, I am passionate and I guess when I am in their company my passion/affection is shown clearly. I would have no problem with a guy being the same.

[Leigh 87]

No - being obsessive is not always the style some men adopt. My partner in particular says he HATES to act desperate or like he cares too much in the beginning stages - at least until the girl shows a keen interest.

 

Then again, what do you mean by obsessive? If you are suggesting overanalysing every little thing, as being indicative of " obsession" and hence truly being into someone.... Then no again.

 

Guys in general tend to not overthink anything! There are few truly deap thinkers among men when it comes to relationships; the types that try to de code texts, think about when/how often they should text... I think men either think it is fine or not. If there is not a good reason to believe things are not good, they would rather not assume the worst ( or anything negative).

[Leigh 87]

I am definetely not the type to hound someone with messages and calls., even during the most obsessive phase. Yes, I am passionate and I guess when I am in their company my passion/affection is shown clearly. I would have no problem with a guy being the same.

 

 

I think most people just reply quickly to all texts, initiate a few here and there, and try not to over do it; all the while, their heart beats a little fasta and they get a special feeling whenever they get texts from this person.

 

I think that is more accurate of people who are obsessive or really into someone... they just show keen interest, rather than blow up their phone.

[threebyfate]

You're confusing happy daydreaming and excitement, with obsessive anxiety. I've had both and can tell the difference now. The type of guy you want is the first one, the one where you think of him all day long, have difficulties focusing on work because you can't wait to see him.

 

The latter is caused by gut instinct telling you there's something wrong.

[SunandMoon]

I am definetely not the type to hound someone with messages and calls., even during the most obsessive phase. Yes, I am passionate and I guess when I am in their company my passion/affection is shown clearly. I would have no problem with a guy being the same.

 

I wasn't trying to imply anything..

 

Well then there ya go, I hope you meet someone who ignites that side of you and likes it (or is like that), then.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You're confusing happy daydreaming and excitement, with obsessive anxiety. I've had both and can tell the difference now. The type of guy you want is the first one, the one where you think of him all day long, have difficulties focusing on work because you can't wait to see him.

 

The latter is caused by gut instinct telling you there's something wrong.

 

Exactly!

 

The conflicting feelings/anxiety DO stem from something being off, even if you don't know what that is at that particular moment.

[Leigh 87]

.. Here is whe obsessive looks bad.

 

A couple I know through my boyfriends facebook, are all lovey dovey on it... They write things on facebook, such as " your so beautiful" " I miss my wonderful boyfriend sooooo much" and " your everythibng to me baby, can't wait to see you"

 

Another couple would always touch each other and be all over each other, to the point where it was anti social for people around them. And probably make recently single people feel like cr@p, LOL!

So I think there is a line where obsessiveness spills into real life and social media, and looks bad; come on, it DOES lessen how manly a guy is, when he is all soppy and lovey on facebook to his girlfriend...

 

My bf says all those things but in private....

I love obsessiveness....How my partner wants to spend all day hugging me, cant wait to see me after one evening with his guy friends, and dhow he tells me how much he loves me constantly.

However, I think it is nice to leave it in private.

[Frogwife]

In my experience most girls seem to be very obsessive. Men, not so much although I've seen men obsessing too.

 

You need to check out some of the "pick up artist" sites (like SoSuave) - I think guys are worse than the ladies about obsessing over the slightest minutiae of relationships ("She only put one smiley face instead of two in her text message! What does this mean?? Does she still like me??")

 

It's been refreshing for me to see that men and women share the same emotions/feelings/anxieties surround relationships (we've all been there, right??).

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think this is a loaded question when including everyone and definitely melts into a bigger concept and dynamic.

 

Some people are more passionate, others less so.

 

Some more expressive, others withholding and withdrawn.

 

Some have emotional/psychological fears and issues that prevent them from reacting a certain way or degree dependent on their past.

 

Men and women differ in terms of women are typically a more open-book type approach wearing their heart on their sleeve, feeling no shame or vulnerability when exposing how they feel.

 

Men however are taught to be more strong and distant, especially If the man grew up in an environment where their fathers or grandfathers or whoever the man was taught them its not good to expose or express feelings. The behavior of men in a mans life influence his behavior and attitude in life when growing up.

 

In general though men are more guarded and not ok with being vulnerable than women are, plus some men can see and do take advantage of the vulnerability and transparency of a woman's emotions to satisfy their own needs...usually sexual and in terms of limited companionship, nothing terribly deep and emotional.

 

Men tend to be obsessive with women they are very attracted to and feel are very desirable, but In general this happens less often to men as it does for women because any man with a moderate level of success will likely feel entitled to something with high criteria and expectations...as women can also do, yet for women this is usually taken from a string of disappointments however not always.

 

Women seem to be able to adapt and mold their desires and emotions to men and kind of create this infatuation state, they want this blank slate of a guy they are attracted to for one reason or another to live up to these grand expectations of commitment and a relationship. They see so much "potential" in what seems to be moderate matches as long as they inspire some kind of attraction or emotional interest. The exacerbate and over-compliment the positives in men ignoring the negatives, allowing themselves to fall into this love state where they no longer acknowledge the faults of their men that seriously and forgive and accept them.

 

Only through experience do they seem to start to create this greater standard of requirement. Also be aware that experiences will different from Alpha type men to Beta type men...although i hate to use those terms It's the simplist way to make a distinction that there are many men who experience the perils of women...except without the satisfaction of sex or limited companionship as most women will not mislead a vulnerable and exposed man just because they can, whereas many men will suck that flower dry of nectar before moving on.

 

So considering that most men aren't engaging with women they see as very desirable, whether its because they don't feel tall enough, good looking enough or successful enough...they are often looking for the next best thing...women tend to settle in and try to become happy with what they have and mold their relationships or love interest like playdough into what they really want and hope them to be than what they really are.

 

Men already realize when they're with someone with limited potential in the long-term, therefore they never completely invest and cross those emotional barriers...therefore like ES experience in dating men she isn't that interested in, it's much easier to maintain this nonchalant-I'm not really all that interested and invested type of attitude without attaching, instead imagine her being able to maintain that over the course of a relationship.

 

So when men do finally date someone...whether they reached their own expectations or fulfilled their own sexual desires by sleeping with these "average" women they've been giving false hopes to, do they eventually date the girl that really is...in at least their frame of mind, same "league" do they really start to expose those exact same insecurities and vulnerabilities...If not even more so than women as women are already conditioned to investing so much of themselves into relationships as If it would be forever when the man knew way in advance it wouldn't be yet he played wishy washy the entire time as to not lose what he had currently.

 

If men and women are compelled equally emotionally then they react very similarly, however since a lot of women kind of chase these men then you're less likely to get a man who is fully invested...which would feel truly vulnerable. That's why you get the jerk and ******* attitude from men, because ultimately you are expendable.

 

If a man feels that you are not expendable....then he will act accordingly, and this is something women have a hard time figuring out...because they many want that man to choose them and accept them in that way, when you can't...a man feels that way or he doesn't, and a man cannot pretend or force himself to be and do something that he does not truly feel inspired and motivated to do.

 

Men do not want to be successful and famous, good looking, tall, etc etc for their own personal drive an sake of doing so necessarily, although its definitely an awesome perk...of course its also an excuse to help family,parents, etc...but honestly most of what you could give could be done now if we're being honest with ourselves unless its like some dramatic surgery, the things that count is not money or material things...but It's truly because they want access to the best women, the most women, and to be able to live in manner of having more options and having to expend less effort....therefore to become rather a playboy or settle down with a woman they feel is the best they can get.

 

That's why most men can ride in an old beat pick up truck, sit on an old cough with holes in it but around good company of guys they could care less about their surroundings...that crap is really only to impress women and other men they are in competition with. Luxury for men is about status and self-worth, status that women are attracted to.

 

Sorry for the long-rant...but "love" is mostly just a game people play, most don't stop to think about what it really is, what's worth really fighting for.

 

If you understand the rules, motives and goals of the players, you can determine much.

[xxoo]

Exactly!

 

The conflicting feelings/anxiety DO stem from something being off, even if you don't know what that is at that particular moment.

 

This is a good clue that something is off:

 

My ex has pointed out that he always found my obsessivness and over-anlysing unattractive.

 

If it is the good type of excitement and obsessing, and it is mutual, he'll be pleased to see you so enamored.

[xxoo]

If a man feels that you are not expendable....then he will act accordingly, and this is something women have a hard time figuring out...because they many want that man to choose them and accept them in that way, when you can't...a man feels that way or he doesn't, and a man cannot pretend or force himself to be and do something that he does not truly feel inspired and motivated to do.

 

Some men might be damaged in such a way that they wouldn't feel it for any woman.

[Janesays]

No, never. Then again, I tend to only date guys who are REALLY into me, so I have no doubts about their feelings for me. The more open and honest a guy is with me, the more I like him. The guys that plays their cards close to their chest bore me. I don't think having feelings for someone is something to be ashamed of or something that needs to be kept secret lest you 'scare' the other person away. If a person is scared away by my honesty or my love, then they're not worth having around in the first place.

[EasyHeart]

I think obsessiveness comes from insecurity, either deep-seated or situational.

 

When I really like a woman and she clearly likes me, I have a warm safe feeling.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am glad that ninja posted because his insight into people is spot on.

 

I have also observed and told my girl friends many times that men are just as obsessive when they truly like a girl and are emotionally invested. Just read johan's "I met someone"

 

As for men being too emotionally damaged to love any woman, I don't buy that for a second. That's just a convenient excuse they use to play you.

[Eternal Sunshine]

No, never. Then again, I tend to only date guys who are REALLY into me, so I have no doubts about their feelings for me. The more open and honest a guy is with me, the more I like him. The guys that plays their cards close to their chest bore me. I don't think having feelings for someone is something to be ashamed of or something that needs to be kept secret lest you 'scare' the other person away. If a person is scared away by my honesty or my love, then they're not worth having around in the first place.

 

I do too. If I see that a guy is not that into me or not that invested, I am out.

 

I dated guys like that in my early 20s but you live an learn.

 

Ugh, I see women putting up with horrible treatment and making excuses for men. Some of these women are a lot older than me too. I just want to reach through the interwebz and shake them.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Because I don't meet any men that I truly want.

 

I get lonely and want companionship, just like some men do.

 

It's particularly amusing when I date a man that I am not that into and I can tell that he is not that into me either. He *thinks* that he is playing me with proclaiming romantic BS and I *pretend* that I am buying it

[veggirl]

um yeah most people on LS might be like that...I mean most of a subset who actually took the time to google for a relationship forum, lol. Obviously much of LS would be like that.

 

I don't let myself be like that. At all. I feel like I have to analyze everything to death something is off. No good relationship I've been in has started with over analyzing and dramatics.

[veggirl]

Honestly guilty of this. And not even in just relationships it seems. Just when you find somebody you REALLY like you want to spend as time in their company as possible and think about them non-stop. So long as it is controlled and not rampant to the point where you annoy the person, I don't see it being too much of a problem.

 

I view it as a normal. It's called passion; good thing.

 

No obsession is not passion and unfortunately people do claim obsession/drama is passion and they get into some s.hitty situations because "well we are just passionate".

 

I REALLY liked my bf the second I saw him but still wanted to spend time with my friends. I didn't think of him non-stop. I don't think what you describe sounds good at all, it sounds like someone who's gonna be clingy and co-dependent.

 

I think obsessiveness comes from insecurity, either deep-seated or situational.

 

When I really like a woman and she clearly likes me, I have a warm safe feeling.

 

This exactly. There isn't anxiety and obsession and desperation. None of those 3 are good signs IMO.

[Alia_alia]

You get obsessive when YOU are being needy - have internal problems. Does not have anything to do with the other person. If you become more feeling independent (i.e can feel good independent on other's reaction to you), while still appreciating the connections you make, you're gonna be at a much better spot.

[Els]

I think 'obsession', to a degree, is natural. I mean, it's called 'lovesickness' for a reason, yeah? However, like anything else, we are responsible for moderating how we act on it and to what degree we allow it to influence our daily lives.

[carhill]

If there are no red flags, generally in sensing drama, I historically become very calm when infatuated with someone or loving them.

[2.50 a gallon]

I think I have been in love three maybe four times. And in almost every case loving her was one the easiest things I have ever done.

 

To be honest, with my last one I did have to do some analyzing. But that was only because I had been in a bad marriage and swore that I would never fall in love again. It was 15 years later, when I got caught off guard and fell in love on our second date with a gal whom I thought to be out of my league and did not want to lose her. While she on the other hand, felt that we only had a temporary friends with benefits relationship, while her true love was out of state cleaning up a drug problem. So I only had short time window to get her to begin to fall in love with me, before he came back.

 

So there were a few times, when I was racking my brain for a new fun date, but still for the most part, I just did what was natural, such as decorate and celebrate the holidays, and she responded. When he came back in six months, I had to tell myself, to let her be free and make her own choice. The old line of holding on to love tightly with an open hand. So on the day she went to see him, I had to fake it and pretend that whatever she wanted to do was OK by me.