Chico333 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. We have been living together for over 1 year. We moved to another state together and lived together there for 6 months of it and moved back to where we originally were living (just because we changed our minds about it). Anyways, ever since we moved back we have been constantly arguing. We have known for a while that we don't have the best communication with one another but, for the past 1 1/2 months it has gotten really bad. We have been trying so hard but can't manage to keep our fighting under control. We have run out of ideas of what to do except for moving into separate places. We don't want to break up though. When my boyfriend suggested this I didn't like it because I felt like we would be taking a step backwards in our relationship rather than forwards because if we can't live together now, what is it going to be like in the future? I am 25 and going back to school for my masters and he is 26 also going back to school but for his bachelors. We love each other very much and have a lot in common and have had a great relationship until the past 6 months. Things have been pretty rocky because of our miscommunication and arguing. I am stumped about what we should do. Would moving apart be crazy or could it possibly help our relationship?
veggirl Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 If your communication issues are so bad that you guys need to move apart, what are you doing about those issues? Why not solve the actual problem or just let the relationship go instead of wasting time? Communication problems aren't going to sustain your R long term and if you actually get married, there isn't just "moving out". To me this is like taking a break. It's a stepping stone to breakup-ville. Relationships don't move forwards by going backwards usually.
KatZee Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Moving out will solve nothing. The problems will still be there when you two return. You both need to start getting to the root of your arguments. Are they legit fights? Or are they the dumb ones like, "You left the toilet seat up again!!" If they're the latter, then you need to both pick and choose your battles. Living together creates all sorts of problems, and this is why some people think they need to live with someone else before they agree to a full commitment (engagement/marriage). Some couples can be great together, then they move in and realize, "woops. we're really not that compatible when we're in the same space." If the arguments are more serious (trust, infidelity, jealousy, etc) then you need to sit down and have a real conversation to get to the root of the problems. I feel as if you guys keep fighting because nothing is being resolved. And until that happens, you guys will continue in this cycle of fighting---REGARDLESS if you live together or not. 1
Author Chico333 Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 We argue about very stupid tedious things. We had planned on going to an art show one night and he just got home from work. He told me before hand that he needs some space to relax sometimes after getting home because he can be pretty moody. He was acting moody and like he didnt want to go so I told him that if he didn't want to go that he didn't have to. He said not to ask him that because he never said he didn't want to go. I got defensive and said that I was just asking to be helpful and that set him off. He got really mad and we just started arguing because he didn't like it that I asked him that. Yesturday we were talking about our school starting soon and what classes and all that. I have given him advice before on what I think he should take. Today he was saying that he talked to a friend who had taken a class of his and blah blah and took his advice on taking the class. I then told him that I felt like he doesn't take my advice into consideration and just goes with what his friends tell him about school. He then made his point as to why he was taking his advice and I understood and said I was sorry for getting defensive but he got upset because the night before I said I thought we argue too much and today I "started an argument." So thats how we got into talking again about how we fight too much and he brought up the idea of moving into seperate places. We havent agreed upon it or anything it was just an idea. So this is the stupid stuff we constantly fight over. I told him I think he needs to be more patient with me because he has kind of a short temper and he told me that I need to do what I say I'm going to do. (I come from a hispanic family where things can be chaotic and change all the time when it comes to planning. He is very organized and expects people to stick to their word all the time.) I don't think his way of thinking is wrong by any means. It can just be hard for me sometimes. For example, I went to a friends house just to hang out and have a glass of wine one night and said I would be home by 12. I accidentally left my phone off and when I turned it on it was already 1:10am and I had 8 missed calls and 5 voicemails. Yes I realize I should have called him and let him know I was running late but he really took it over the top I think. We didn't argue about it but he said he was really worried. He even went to the point of driving over to my friends to make sure I was there. We trust each other and everything but he can be very protective about things sometimes. He says it's because he grew up having to take care of two sisters. Anyways these are the problems that we are having right now. Very annoying. I don't know why we can't stop. It has never been this bad. I think it's just a phase. He said he thinks we are spending too much time together and are always around each other and so we annoy each other. He said he thinks it's healthy for two people not to constantly be together otherwise things like this happen. Yeah people can get on each others nerves but I don't agree with that. We love each other a lot and enjoy doing many different things together and laugh and have a good time together but, lately this is how it has been.
carhill Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 My advice would be to focus on your education, break up and see how things go down the road.
veggirl Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 So it's bickering, pestering, nagging. Maybe you just aren't compatible? Once in a while is fine but so regularly? It sounds exhausting. What if you get married? Then you will "constantly around each other" as he says. And that doesn't work, apparently. 1
Author Chico333 Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 It is very exhausting for both of us. I am going to talk with him about this tonight. We have agreed that we need to pick our battles, which obviously has not been working out. Maybe we just don't get along but I guess we will see. We will say "I'll try to work on (this) more," and so on but, maybe we aren't as compatible as I thought? This is disheartening.
Author Chico333 Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 I try and keep in mind when people say that relationships aren't supposed to be easy. But what is that supposed to mean?
veggirl Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 I try and keep in mind when people say that relationships aren't supposed to be easy. But what is that supposed to mean? Relationships shouldn't be too hard tho. Many people justify crap Rs with "well they are supposed to be hard". I would never describe mine as hard cause it's not, it actually is easy. Not saying you are justifying. Anyway, doesn't sound like either of you has really tried to change anything yet, how come? You guys can't just say you will try, you actually have to *consciously* do it
proactivedreamer Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 I don't normal post here anymore, but I am not in total agreement with the other posters here, so here are my thoughts. You don't necessarily have to move out or break-up. That seems to be the go to remedy here at loveshack. If you love someone, and feel strongly that you can be with them for the long haul, you should focus on creating solutions, and better ways to communicate during times of conflict. You said that your boyfriend needs space when he arrives home, so give it to him. Be mindful of what bothers him, and try to minimize those actions. I understand that you wanted to be considerate and helpful, but as you can see you weren't helpful. Defensiveness is a big issue here, and it something I, myself, struggle with. Not everything is about you or directed at you. Try to let the small stuff go. So what if he preferred his friends advice. Maybe it resonated with him more. Try not to take that stuff personal. Here is something that works quite well. When you are in argument, and it intensifies, try to be silent. Just take a moment, and shut up. Don't keep talking or trying to solve anything because truthfully it's hard to have any real clarity when you feel attacked or misunderstood. Just try to be silent. Breathe. and be very careful with word usage. My boyfriend and I are really committed to remaining respectful and careful during conflict. One day I was mad, and was sorta raising my voice. He says this " I am feeling attacked and I am starting to get angry", and I responded with silence. I just stood there, and said not one word. I finally sat down, and apologized for raising my voice. We were actually able to resolve the issue, and no one's feelings got hurt. So, be mindful of what bothers him, when an argument intensifies, be quiet, try not to play the blame game(something I am learning to do!) because it makes things worse, especially during an argument. I hope that helps some. And I know it's not easy but it will help you guys move to a more harmonious place. 1
Author Chico333 Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 Thanks Proactivedreamer. My bf and I have actually had that exact discussion and are in the process of trying to work that way but, like I stated earlier it was has been very hard. I think there might be some underlying issues as well such as stress over work and school coming up as well. So I am going to keep your advice in mind and do my best. Someone has to be the bigger person during these things whether it be him or me. It can be very hard. We are both pretty assertive in our views and I think that is why it has been hard for both of us to be patient with each other. We care very much for each other and I think we will continue to keep working on this bump in the road for a bit more. All the advice I have received has been very helpful.
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