Uhnoneemoose Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Hi everyone. I met my girlfriend back in Germany in 2011 when I was studying abroad. She's from Spain, but speaks fluent English and good German, so communication wasn't a problem. We spent a lot of time together and truly enjoyed being around each other's company. She had to go back to Spain at the end of that July, and it was heartbreaking, but I was staying another month, so she flew back the next week and spent the rest of the time until I flew back, and we told each other that we loved one another. I went to stay with her in December through February of 2011/2012 after I graduated and things were just like we were in Germany. Again, when I left, tears, crying, and the same stuff. We talked on Skype all the time, but finding a job in Europe right now just isn't a possibility due to the EU job restrictions and my course track, so I decided I was going to teach English in South Korea for a year so I can save up money, be able to afford to fly to see her, as well as be able to get back to Europe and teach English there in Germany. However, this past week, she said she wanted to talk on Skype and thought that we should break up, because she said the distance thing was getting hard on her. I haven't seen her in person since February, but she still loves me and everything. She's currently in Turkey doing an Au Pair and she's really lonely, but she's going to Germany to teach Spanish in a month. I've promised myself I'm going to get back to her, and when I get my vacation time in Korea, I want to see her, but I don't know how to handle this. What should I do? It seems like this came out of nowhere and it hurts like hell, because I really love the girl and never felt this way about another person.
cerridwen Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 This is rough. I wish I had more encouraging news, OP, but LDRs are especially tough and for them to work, both people have to really want and put effort toward closing the distance. It's never pleasurable or fulfilling to feel like one's dragging the other person toward the finish line of being together. If she's expressing such strong desire to end things for a very valid reason, I encourage you to listen since that reason isn't going to be resolving itself any time soon. Did she know of your plan to return to Germany in a year's time?
Author Uhnoneemoose Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 Yeah, she did. I think another thing I should add is that she's currently in Turkey doing an Au-Pair, and she's really lonely there. We don't get to Skype like we used to. Before she left for there, she sent me a letter telling me how much she loved me and how she couldn't wait to see me again, as well as saying she didn't care where we were, as long as she was with me. I was going to come and see her in February when I get my vacation from the teaching job. I talked with her on Skype the other night, and she loves me and everything, but she finds it hard how it will work out and all that stuff, and I'm doing everything I can to get back to her. I joked with her that if she found some boy in Germany, that I was going to come kick his ass and take her back, and she acted like it was something she wanted to hear, and got all "giddy" about it (smiling, turning her head trying not to show me). I understood what I was getting into with this, but I care too much for this girl to not just let her slip away.
justwhoiam Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Why would you make more money in South Korea compared to a good teaching job in Germany? Germany, Switzerland and few other countries have the best wages in Europe. Also, what EU restrictions were you talking about? My advice is: be prepared. When she'll be down, she will express doubts and will want out of the relationship. Be strong and go out of your way for her. That usually helps. When things start going downhill, her feelings will go numb... and you'll need to do something. Better yet, don't ever let it come to that point.
cerridwen Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Yeah, she did. I think another thing I should add is that she's currently in Turkey doing an Au-Pair, and she's really lonely there. We don't get to Skype like we used to. Before she left for there, she sent me a letter telling me how much she loved me and how she couldn't wait to see me again, as well as saying she didn't care where we were, as long as she was with me. I was going to come and see her in February when I get my vacation from the teaching job. I talked with her on Skype the other night, and she loves me and everything, but she finds it hard how it will work out and all that stuff, and I'm doing everything I can to get back to her. I joked with her that if she found some boy in Germany, that I was going to come kick his ass and take her back, and she acted like it was something she wanted to hear, and got all "giddy" about it (smiling, turning her head trying not to show me). I understood what I was getting into with this, but I care too much for this girl to not just let her slip away. I understand. You feel this is a temporary lull in her optimism, brought on by loneliness and worry, and NOT her final declaration of wanting to end things permanently. Then, talk to her. Be respectful of her feelings but gently declare your personal commitment and ask if she'd like to continue. Ask if she'd find it helpful to create milestones leading up to reuniting in Germany. (Milestones in the form of visits.) Ask what would be helpful in terms of increased calls/Skype/chats. Talk more concretely about the Germany plan. Do you plan to live together? Nearby? What would you do in the area together? Talk about it. Help her see the vision but be mindful not to make promises you can't keep. In other words, don't bull**** her. If she wants to continue, ask for her address and plan to send letters, small gifts, tiny surprises often. In other words, plan to carry more weight to bolster her enthusiasm. I caution you not to dismiss her feelings though. If she wants to end it, please respect her decision. It won't be easy for her either. LDRs can be heart-breaking. Good luck.
Author Uhnoneemoose Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 Why would you make more money in South Korea compared to a good teaching job in Germany? Germany, Switzerland and few other countries have the best wages in Europe. Also, what EU restrictions were you talking about? My advice is: be prepared. When she'll be down, she will express doubts and will want out of the relationship. Be strong and go out of your way for her. That usually helps. When things start going downhill, her feelings will go numb... and you'll need to do something. Better yet, don't ever let it come to that point. To teach English in Korea, you only require a Bachelors and an equivalent 100-hour TEFL course, which is relatively inexpensive. In Germany, you would need a CELTA or equivalent, which costs a lot more and is harder to get, and I can't really afford it right now. South Korean schools pay for your room and board, flight to there, as well as a month's worth of pay at the completion of your contract. You can easily save $1000-1300 a month there, and maybe more. It's the easy way I can save up to get back to Germany. Not to sound like I don't care for her, but living in Germany has always been a goal of mine. I plan on doing that after a year there, and I could come see her in February during my vacation time, as well as the summer.
Author Uhnoneemoose Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 I understand. You feel this is a temporary lull in her optimism, brought on by loneliness and worry, and NOT her final declaration of wanting to end things permanently. Then, talk to her. Be respectful of her feelings but gently declare your personal commitment and ask if she'd like to continue. Ask if she'd find it helpful to create milestones leading up to reuniting in Germany. (Milestones in the form of visits.) Ask what would be helpful in terms of increased calls/Skype/chats. Talk more concretely about the Germany plan. Do you plan to live together? Nearby? What would you do in the area together? Talk about it. Help her see the vision but be mindful not to make promises you can't keep. In other words, don't bull**** her. If she wants to continue, ask for her address and plan to send letters, small gifts, tiny surprises often. In other words, plan to carry more weight to bolster her enthusiasm. I caution you not to dismiss her feelings though. If she wants to end it, please respect her decision. It won't be easy for her either. LDRs can be heart-breaking. Good luck. She's under a lot of pressure and aggravation right now trying to get things ready for there, so I told her when I talked to her last time, I wasn't going to talk about our relationship or any of that. I want her to get her **** straight for Germany and I want her to be happy there. I just want her to know that I love her and care for her irregardless, so that I don't look like some giant douche in the future to her. I don't know, but maybe I'm handling it the wrong way.
justwhoiam Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 All clear now. You're not doing anything wrong so far... Good luck
Recommended Posts