Garymustang1977 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Hello All, I've posted here a few times about our financial situation and concerns for divorce. Lots of you have posted some great advice. (I especially appreciate Carhills advice.) My wife and I have had many discussion about divorce and after 25 years (no children) I've decided that she is not the person that I can go on through life with. Because of our financial situation it's actually cheaper to get divorced, keep the house and live under the same roof. A few here have asked why do that? Simple economics, it buys us time to decide what to do with the house down the road rather than a judge awarding her the house, but her not having the financial means to make the payments and then she'd be forced to sell which she doesn't want to do. Okay, it's been a year since my wife and I have had these discussions. She's made zero effort to contribute any creative solution to the issue. In fact, she acts as if nothing's wrong, and the next minute she's trash talking me to her girlfriends and mother about what an ass I am. It's a mind game. I've told her a 1,000 times I simply want to move on with my life and get out from her control. We've both worked all our married life and have no savings, barely any retirement (both in our early 50s), have a home that's paid for in 6 years, and live paycheck to paycheck. We both see life completely differently, we have not had sex in 3 years, there's no affection and pretty much live like comfortable roommates. She fears living in an apartment or in some room for rent at someone's home, but I've warned her that we cannot live beyond our means and in this tough economy and my job downsizing that's reality. I'm willing to let it all go and just move on without her. Has anyone her experienced a spouse who, on the one hand, despises you and screams and breaks down then says, "I love you, I don't want a divorce?" I'm getting nowhere fast. I've told her that I have no choice but to file for a divorce if she refuses to cooperate and talk about the terms. I'm easy and am willing to give her the lions meager share of our property, but she's in denial. I'm sure she's thinking that until I do something concrete then it's all talk on my part. Not true. I've given her more than fair warning and it's time. Anyone have thoughts or have experienced the same thing? Thank you in advance for your kind words, Gary
stupidgirl22 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 With me it was in or out. I chose out. Good or bad black or white. Just my decision. Can't cope with not 100%. 1
GorillaTheater Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 You don't need her cooperation or consent to file for divorce. You don't need to divorce to get out of her control. You have choices. Make them. 3
stupidgirl22 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Wouldnt go for divorce yet. Hold your guns. Don't take drastic steps
shiftman Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Hello, I am new to the forum and a bit reluctant to say much. That said, the arrangement that you refer to is often referred to as a "non divorce". Due to recent economic downturns, the financial aspects of this type of arrangement seem to be growing in popularity. In some ways, my situation and demographic is similar to yours. The one substancial difference would be in the area of sex. Our sex life is fantastic. It's all of the other areas where we are totally incompatable. Even though I think that my wife hates me on some emotional level, she always gave me the nice, romantic, "mushy" cards on my birthday and anniversaries. In turn, I always gave her the funny type of cards. I couldn't bring myself to sign a card full of written feelings that I did not have. I'm not sure if she ever figured it out.
Ami1uwant Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 What do you want??? I think you need to sit down to her and have a serious talk. If you look at the house and what you paid...if you sold it now how much would you have made? How much if it was split evenly between you and her. It seems she doesnt want to lose the house. It seems as if you two are at a point where you two may be at a point where you are stuck with each other. The other option...sell the home for two townhouses or a duplex or a home with a clear upstairs apartment.
standtall Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Gary...Your divorce, like many others, does not sound mutual. Why would you expect her to help it along? You're the one who wants the divorced, not her. If you want out, then it's up to you to get out. 1
Author Garymustang1977 Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 Hello All, Thanks to all of you for your terrific advice. Yes, it's my decision ultimately for divorce, but I'm offering her the chance to sit down with me for a civil discussion and not a screaming, blaming match on her part. After all the years we've invested in each other's lives I'm not one to be a "heartless bastard" and kick her to the curb. She's a good woman, but we've grown in much different ways and that's natural. I am in no way interested in marriage counseling and want to move on with my life. She's very conservative and leads a sedentary lifestyle. I, however, am very open minded, non-judgemental, and am very physically active. I enjoy good health and exercise, she sits and chats online or watches TV for hours. Those, certainly, are not reasons for divorce, but they are points of view in life that don't allow us to be together outside the home setting. Once we're at home we're comfortable roommates with no affection and no sex. She's has had practically zero experience with men prior to me. I'm all she knows and it's hard for her to let go. I've told her it's time we became honest about our marriage, and that it serves neither one of us any good and are only prolonging our future happiness. She's a pessimist and only sees doom and gloom. Has anyone here found a way to cut through the anger and grief of a spouse in order to have a civil conversation? Thanks very much in advance, Gary
burningashes Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Your wife was married to you for 20 years. She's very comfortable where she is right now, and doesn't want to let that go. The end of life with having you around is terrifying for her, because she knows she'll be on her own if you proceed with divorce. I'm sure she's thinking that until I do something concrete then it's all talk on my part. You're right in your thinking. She's not going to do anything until you do something. You are going to end up the bad guy, no matter how you mince the pie, you're the one divorcing her. You need to be firm if you want to divorce her. I'm not sure how it works, but maybe you can draw up some kind of contract on the house of what you think is fair and present it to her. That might help her face the reality of the situation, that a civil discussion would be most beneficial to her at this point. Good luck!
JD1977 Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Your wife may be comfortable, or she may be hoping this doesn't end with you. Either way being your wife for 25 year she deserves to be respected. That being said, it doesn't sound like she is gonna do anything without you forcing her hand. It's brutal to go through, but what's it worth to get the rest of your life started!
2sunny Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 If you want it that much YOU will take action and simply file the divorce so that it happens. Why haven't YOU taken action on what YOU want? You have no one to blame but yourself. She's obviously not going to file and she's not planning to change. Change will come FROM YOU... 1
carhill Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 OP, does your state allow a bifurcated divorce? If yes, you could essentially divorce and settle the house issue later. Think of it as a two-part trial/procedure. It would still be tough, but less of a shock all at one time.
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