Tethys Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 I'm 40, my wife is 38. We've been together for about 8 years, married for 2. I always assumed I'd eventually have kids. I grew up with two sisters, lots of cousins, and two big families on either side. If anything I've taken it for granted that I have so much family around. I've always liked kids, and they seem to always like me. (I considered becoming a school teacher, but I'm too much of introvert to deal with them for 36 hours a week.) For the last few years I've become a little bored and have started to feel a little immature or foolish for going to starbucks on the weekend (I'm working on a graduate degree) and for having hours and hours of free time while almost everyone I know has the responsibility of kids to ground them. I'm craving some bigger purpose, and sometimes it sounds really nice having a little kid around to watch grow up, yet I dont want to bring a child into this world just because I'm bored. And so I'm a guy that really enjoys the peace and quiet and probably would be a dad that spent a lot of his time at work or up in his office by himself. My wife never wanted children, but she said she'd be willing to have them with me. So I'm considering not having kids. It seems like a good decision right now considering, but there's a part of me that feels like I'm tempting fate, that I'm being selfish, and it's weird and maybe a little depressing to think the wonderful family that I'm a part of (I think my grandparents and parents are awesome people) will end with me. So after all that: anyone beyond the point of realistically having kids who regret it or don't regret it?
Eddie Edirol Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Never. I see plenty of people who are constantly frustrated with their children. I also doubt you'll get many people here saying that they are really frustrated by their young children 70% of the time. Its just not said. But I've never understood why people want to take on something that you cant give back. I've seen a good friend of mine have his baby, who when I see him with his baby, shes a complete pain in the ass. So I ask him, "hey why did you want to have this child?" "Because children are a joy to have" "I just see you trying to repress frustration with this childs fussiness with her food, so wheres the joy?" I wonder if he just told me what I wanted to hear, but the conversation eventually concluded that he only got joy from the baby around 20% of the time, the rest is not a pleasurable challenge. Its an investment that the joy will eventually outdo the frustration years down the line. Who needs that kind of headache? Why go through such mental trauma unnecessarily? Youre living free, enjoy it. But I hate kids, so I'm always looking for reasons to stay away from them. Im not at your stage where youre craving a bigger purpose, I wonder if you just need a new hobby. Kids are not something to bring into the world to "watch grow up". You dont watch them grow up, you pretty much grow them up, and you have to engage in every centimeter of their growing up, which is a chore most of the time, not a joy IMO. Plus at 40, when your child graduates high school, youd be an old dad. Do you really want to be 57 or older when your kid graduates high school? 17 is the time they'd need you the most dicipline wise. You cant keep them afraid of you if they think they can beat you up. You'd have to teach them about sex, and not making their own baby, drugs, and hope they dont desire to hang with the wrong crowd. Why deal with all that? No need to worry about your name dying, if you dont have some great legacy to carry on like Rockefeller, it wont make a difference after your dead. To me, its not worth the gamble. I'd rather just develop new hobbies. So instead of worrying about your greater purpose being children, invent things. Travel the world. Stay young. You get to sleep while the parents dont. To many people are overcrowding this world with their accidents, and needs to procreate, which is great for them if they want it, but not everyone needs to do it. Worse than that, people are having babies to avoid pressure from other people, when theyre not sure, its ridiculous. You made the best decision to live your life for you and your wife, use the time for you and her. Theres a much better use for your time than doing what everyone else does.
M30USA Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 God gives us kids so that we can finally know how rebellious humans really are. It makes us reflect that we, in essence, are spoiled little baby brats to a loving God. Yet, similar to God, we can help turn our children into mature, serving, loving people who are a joy.
denise_xo Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Although I'm not quite beyond the point of realistically conceiving, I'm not too far off. No regrets so far and I've really never doubted that decision.
Feelin Frisky Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 I don't think about it much but being a dad was one of the things rolled into the saga I often talk about that wound up in disaster and me what's left of a wreck. As I age now I am reminded that I won't be leaving any biology of myself to carry on and that's sad. I'm only consoled by the fact that there are no guarantees and I could just as easily have fathered a problem child or two who could have disappointed me or otherwise occupied me with worry. If lightening struck and I were to become very wealthy, I'd want to remedy my situation with some children.
Author Tethys Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 Thanks for the responses. I imagine a lot of people on here have kids, just because it seems like the majority of people have kids (I think it's around 80%). The funny thing is, I heard on npr a few months ago that 50% of children are "unplanned", so I guess I've just been too good of a planner!
It's Just Me Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 I like kids, but I never had the urge to procreate (and it can be a very strong urge for some women). Figured I was a late bloomer. I got married in my early 30s, and waited some more - still nothing. Being a rebel who despises groupthink, I knew that I would not have a kid just to placate other people's expectations. I was only going to get knocked up if I truly wanted to be a mother. My husband at the time didn't care, one way or the other. Never happened. I have zero regrets. And the marriage didn't last, so I have even fewer regrets about not ending up a single mom. And, three years ago, at 44, I had my tubes tied to ensure that my newly-unpredictable cycle wouldn't shoot me into mommyland. Boy, did that freak out a lot of people when I told them what I was doing. WTF? I hadn't wanted kids when I was 24, or even 34. Why would I risk it (and a whole bunch of other issues) at 44? I love my nieces and nephews, and love being around my boyfriend's kids - they are an absolute hoot, and I adore them. I also have the utmost respect for the moms of this world - it's not an easy job, especially if you're working full time. 3
Eddie Edirol Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 I don't think about it much but being a dad was one of the things rolled into the saga I often talk about that wound up in disaster and me what's left of a wreck. As I age now I am reminded that I won't be leaving any biology of myself to carry on and that's sad. I'm only consoled by the fact that there are no guarantees and I could just as easily have fathered a problem child or two who could have disappointed me or otherwise occupied me with worry. If lightening struck and I were to become very wealthy, I'd want to remedy my situation with some children. Why is that sad? Time to get deep.
CarrieT Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 I never had the desire to procreate and many kept telling me I would change my mind as I got older... By my mid-40s, I still knew I didn't want children and usually dismissed potential OLD profiles of men who were part-time parents. Shocked the heck outta me that I agreed to meet someone who had 50% custodial duties and even more shocked that our relationship is progressing to the point of me becoming part of his family. Fortunately for me, the kids are pre-teens and intelligent (potential Ivy League) and that we all seem to get along. It still surprises me though... 2
quankanne Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 I love my nieces and nephews, and love being around my boyfriend's kids – they are an absolute hoot, and I adore them. I also have the utmost respect for the moms of this world – it's not an easy job, especially if you're working full time. this is us, in a nutshell. Never managed to get pregnant, and while I enjoy children and family, my childless state isn't one that is tinged with regret and I promised myself I wouldn't freak out if it never happened. Because the way I see it, we come into this life with a capacity to love, and there are some folks out there who *don't* have that love given to them, and we can be that for them, whether we're related or not, big or little. so far, so good ... we've forged strong bonds with the little ones in the family, with friends' kids and with my godkids, and I'm blessed because of it. :love: 2
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