atarisboy86 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Original post can be found here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/302422-feeling-sad I posted about my ex in October. I ended up contacting her for a short period of time after that. She changed her number at the end of November and went NC on me. I figured it was for the best. Middle of December she calls me saying she wants to get back together. We take it slow and end up becoming serious again in January. Everything went well and I stupidly decided to propose to her around May as I thought she had changed. I took things a little too fast. Anyway, now comes August 6, 2012 and she decides to break off the engagement as well as having me move out of her place. She sends me a text the next day saying "I miss you. I hope we can be friends one day." I kept in touch with her here and there as we needed to figure out how to divide things we had purchased together. This past Friday, she mentioned wanting to hang out. She contacts me on Saturday telling me it's not a good idea to hang out. She doesn't want to be miserable, doesn't want me all over her as we aren't in a relationship, doesn't want me to be jealous if she talks to other guys, etc. I asked what her point in keeping me around was and she says it's because I was a big part of her life and she doesn't want to just cut me out like that. I told her that it's best that we aren't in a relationship that we don't talk anymore and that she give me an indefinite amount of space and time to move forward and move on from the relationship. She said ok and we hung up. I was on day three of NC when I received this email: "I'm writing you I guess to end all the thoughts I have going on in my head and maybe it will help you out as well to any of the things you have no answers to. The last year of my life that was spent with you but was not perfect, we would fight and I guess I looked at that as a negative. I ended things cause for some reason I think there is someone out there that I won't fight with. Now that I've been away from you and find my self alone I realize I lost myself in your kindness and love for me and that maybe I would rather have things the way they used to be, but I can't take anything back you're gone and we are both now alone trying to be happy with ourselves. I know I am rambling I'm sorry I just want you to know how much I did actually love you and appreciate everything you have done for me. You were there for me when nobody else was. When friends would be rude or mean I had you now all I have is myself and this is the worst feeling I have ever felt cause I gave you up to try and be happy alone and maybe it just hasn't been long enough but I'm pretty miserable. Just know that you deserve the best and that wasn't me. I hope you can find happiness in someone and move on in your life. I love you. And will never forget you were my best friend and love of my life." I bit at that and called her. In the end, she told me she didn't think I was going to call her and it was her way of getting closure. She did say she loved me and missed me but she needs time to be alone and be happy again. I said well okay, I guess I read too much into it. I received a text saying "I'm sorry if I mind f**ked you with the email. That wasn't my intention." I told her I was going to go on NC. I feel optimistic that I can keep NC this time. I knew I'd hear from her but didn't think it would be after three days! GIGS or Dumper's Remorse? I don't know. Day 1 Starts Today and I will keep this NC going this time. It's the only thing I can do so I don't end up feeling like an idiot after receiving emails like that and biting at the line she is feeding me. I know I have some great support here at LS and with my friends. I'll be posting here periodically about my feelings and where I go from here.
steveblack Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Welcome my dude. That was a tough post to read. We are all going through some heartache here, so welcome to the club! ha. Listen, she seems to love you very much and being pretty honest with you. Not to compare to other stories here, but even though this hurts, at least you got some closure with that email (yeah a ****ing email, but she seems to be honest about where she is in her head) Go no contact and try to move on. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. how old are you two?
Author atarisboy86 Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 Hey Steve...I'm 25 and she is 23. I think part of it was both of us are still young. She has a lot of issues she needs to take care of and I'm working on mine. Initially she wanted to maintain a friends with benefits type of situation but I shot that down because it wouldn't be conducive to helping me move on. She's the one benefitting from that. I want to try and remain friends and the urge to talk to her is still there but I know NC is the best thing for me to do.
Author atarisboy86 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 Today was a good day. I'm slowly but surely moving forward in this NC thing so that I can move on and heal from my relationship with this girl. I think I wanted to hear from her...get the ego stroke the email gave me but I decided to respond and then I was back at square one in this situation! I have had my Facebook deactivated since last October's events and recently deleted my Twitter account. NC Round #2 starts today, August 22, 2012.
Author atarisboy86 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 Well that NCdidnt last...a few hours after posting she sends me a text asking me to take a black lab puppy we adopted from the shelter while we were engaged. I responded and said I'd take him this weekend when I'm off of work. A few hours later she texts me a picture of her kissing me on the cheek from five months ago...wtf?! I didn't respond but why send the picture to me? She was the dumper.
Author atarisboy86 Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 NC here we go again! I ended up seeing my ex to get the lab puppy back from her. It was a quick meeting. I was cordial as was she. She said bye and I told her to take care. Let's keep this going guys!
dayslikelikethis Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Sounds like she wants to keep you for the back up plan.. You will keep getting old pics and texts... I'm 39 and have been through several of these nearly identical break ups. Your going to have to cut ties. Even when she texts/calls a month from now and says that she wants to visit the "puppy" that she misses. Your the "backup" plan. Your safe, reliable, nice...... but you weren't "The One" for her. You are "The One" for someone else. It's just not her.. Cut her loose. I can tell she is just one "Oh, baby I miss you.. Lets give it another try" text from you running back like a lost puppy.. This will be after she samples several new guys, tests the springs on her mattress, and see's what else she likes more.. If she finds someone "better" in her mind she will move on and your ancient history.. If she doesn't, she knows you are text message from being back on her door step and you will be back to square 1. Wasn't trying to be harsh.. Just trying to save you some heartache.
Author atarisboy86 Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 Sounds like she wants to keep you for the back up plan.. You will keep getting old pics and texts... I'm 39 and have been through several of these nearly identical break ups. Your going to have to cut ties. Even when she texts/calls a month from now and says that she wants to visit the "puppy" that she misses. Your the "backup" plan. Your safe, reliable, nice...... but you weren't "The One" for her. You are "The One" for someone else. It's just not her.. Cut her loose. I can tell she is just one "Oh, baby I miss you.. Lets give it another try" text from you running back like a lost puppy.. This will be after she samples several new guys, tests the springs on her mattress, and see's what else she likes more.. If she finds someone "better" in her mind she will move on and your ancient history.. If she doesn't, she knows you are text message from being back on her door step and you will be back to square 1. Wasn't trying to be harsh.. Just trying to save you some heartache. Thanks for the response. I do appreciate you taking the time to write. I'm cutting her loose. I don't want to be back with her. I'm FINALLY noticing through the last year and a half of drama that she was NOT the girl for me. I am VERY aware that she will go around and screw other guys, get into rebound relationships and test the waters...she might get GIGS and want me back. I have to be strong and NOT respond. I didn't make mention of that photo message when I saw her and got the dog today. I will NOT be her backup plan when I made her my only plan. You weren't harsh at all...you're realistic. This is the kind of crap I need to hear from people so that I don't go back to her. The past few times I've always gone back because I cared and loved her. I need to love myself now and have some dignity and not repeat the same mistakes. Like you said, and like I know from her past behavior, she will keep in touch with me one way or another....be it loneliness or from a drunken night. The choice is mine now and I've made my choice. I have to stick with my NC even when she texts or calls me for the stupidest reasons. She mentioned in her email that I was "the love of her life" and her "best friend", well she chose to throw those away when she dumped me. She can find another "love of her life" and "best friend"...this one is already gone! 1
dayslikelikethis Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Thanks for the response. I do appreciate you taking the time to write. I'm cutting her loose. I don't want to be back with her. I'm FINALLY noticing through the last year and a half of drama that she was NOT the girl for me. It's easy for me or other LS posters to read your post and say "Cut Her Loose"! I understand it isn't for you.. This is because YOU were in love with her and love is blind.. We can see your situation without the blinders on... I suffer in the same way and I'm sure I'm much older than you. I still have on the blinders with my break up too. lol. Broken hearts don't care how old you.. Your situation seems pretty clear. I am VERY aware that she will go around and screw other guys, get into rebound relationships and test the waters...she might get GIGS and want me back. This is a tough spill to swallow isn't it.. Visions of the inevitable haunt me.. The sad fact is that it probably already has happened.. It's just a fact of life as much as it makes you want to lose your lunch. She mentioned in her email that I was "the love of her life" and her "best friend", well she chose to throw those away when she dumped me. She can find another "love of her life" and "best friend"...this one is already gone! This was a clear and blatant lie!.. Nobody leaves someone who is both the "Love of their life" and "best friend".. We aren't anyone's back up plan... Your ex is going to be in shock when she contact's you to keep you on a string and she isn't going to get the response that she wants to hear and realizes you aren't in her back pocket anymore
Author atarisboy86 Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 It's easy for me or other LS posters to read your post and say "Cut Her Loose"! I understand it isn't for you.. This is because YOU were in love with her and love is blind.. We can see your situation without the blinders on... I suffer in the same way and I'm sure I'm much older than you. I still have on the blinders with my break up too. lol. Broken hearts don't care how old you.. Your situation seems pretty clear. Oh yes! It is VERY easy for anyone on the outside to tell me to ignore her and move on with my life. Unfortunately, until the dumpee/person in the relationship is ready to make that move, nobody else can do it for us. Those blinders are off. I was "happy" in the relationship but I was also settling by being treated like crap and accepting that as "ok". Not anymore. BTW I'm only 25. This is a tough spill to swallow isn't it.. Visions of the inevitable haunt me.. The sad fact is that it probably already has happened.. It's just a fact of life as much as it makes you want to lose your lunch. It's true! I can surely imagine her already having shacked up with some guy or two or three. People like her have low self esteem and seek validation in being physical with a guy. It's funny because since I've been ignoring her, she told a mutual friend of ours that "I think he has a gf or is seeing someone already because he isn't talking too much to me"....the nerve! She also asked me if I had hooked up with any girls since the breakup. Why the stupid question? Still wants to be the boss of me....she wouldn't have sex while in the relationship but now that it's broken she is willing to be "friends with benefits" and sleep with me? Um no thanks! This was a clear and blatant lie!.. Nobody leaves someone who is both the "Love of their life" and "best friend".. We aren't anyone's back up plan... Your ex is going to be in shock when she contact's you to keep you on a string and she isn't going to get the response that she wants to hear and realizes you aren't in her back pocket anymore I'm looking forward to moving on from this relationship. If there comes a day that she wants me back, either sending a text message or calling or emailing me, by that time I'll be so far gone that it won't make a difference. I know that she wants to keep me around, those were her words...."you were such a big part of my life, so I don't just want to cut you out like that" Sorry sweetheart but you can't pick and choose....it's either all or nothing and you chose nothing!
Author atarisboy86 Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 I feel triumphant! No, I didn't talk to her today() but I realized just how lucky I really am. I work at a mortuary. I do clerical work, but I'm still exposed to death on a daily basis. I just found out we will be handling arrangements for a soldier killed in Afghanistan. I am friends with his mother from my previous job. What better reminder of how lucky we all really are than that? I have complained, vented and ranted about my terrible experience with my most recent ex. I'm going to let all that go. I do NOT want to be her friend or any part of her life. She owes me some money but if I don't get it, it's not the end of the world. If she ends up regretting her decision, that's fine, but I don't wish her any harm or misfortunes. I'm upright and breathing. I'm still alive and hopefully have A LOT of life left. I think for so long I was letting all this anger and resentment fuel me and keep me going, but now I don't want to feel that anymore. It takes so much energy to keep hating and resenting someone and it keeps me from doing more productive things with my life. My best friend is getting married in late March, I need to get in shape so I can look and feel my best for one of the most important events in his life. I'm back at home with a wonderful family that loves me (a family my ex tried to keep me away from.) I'm going to enroll into a MBA program. It's funny because it seems like I had life all figured out but now I can see that was just a smokescreen and now I'm finally going to do what I need to do. I have no desire to date anyone in the foreseeable future nor do I want to even entertain the thought of a one night stand or a friends with benefits. Today, I started reaching out and trying to mend friendships that were damaged due to my relationship with this girl. Luckily, those people have been forgiving me and seeing the "spell" that I was under. These are people that I need to keep in my life. Tomorrow, we are hosting a party for my two brother's birthdays...going to see more friends and extended family. I finally feel complete and oddly enough, happy. It reminds me of the last scene in American Beauty, where Kevin Spacey's character does a voice over of this quote: "I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday." Anyway, it brings me back to a full circle to the intro of my post. This young man passed away doing something he was passionate about. He wanted to fly helicopters for the Army and he was given that opportunity. His goal was to serve his country and help to defend our nation. He died doing that thing which he loved the most. I hope that one day, I too can say that I did what I loved to do and helped brighten the lives of those around me. I'm going to stay on this forum because I think this forum is great for all of us going through breakups, being dumped, dumping someone or various other relationship and love related issues. I'm only 25 and haven't been through as much as some of you, but maybe I can help others by continuing to post and replying to other posts.
Author atarisboy86 Posted August 27, 2012 Author Posted August 27, 2012 Well I haven't had time to post here but she texted me yesterday. It was a simple text I had to respond to and kept it that way. She mentioned she was going to drop off my mail but I told her I'd rather she not as I was having a party at home and didn't want to deal with that (even if she just put it in my mailbox) The party was fun. I got to hang out with my three brothers and see family and friends I had not seen in a while. I have to admit I drank quite a bit and had a good time. Not once did I ever want to text or call her, even being buzzed/drunk. I went to sleep and that's when the crap started. I couldn't sleep too well and had dreams of her. I was up and thinking of her and what went wrong, etc, etc. Today has been a rough day. She's been actually respecting my request for NC so that kind of throws me off. A part of me wishes I could hear from her with some "apology" or just something....maybe sort of a "test" to prove to myself that I'm doing the right thing. An ego boost? Who knows... I just want this to be over with someday...and me to be able to look back on this relationship with indifference.
Author atarisboy86 Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 Well I knew it would happen and here's how it went down! I feel so proud of myself!!! So she had text me on Saturday, I told her I'd take care of the stuff on Monday. I called where I needed to call to settle some loose ends with our relationship. I sent her an email with the details of the call, I feel email is less personal and sent her a text to check her email. She replies 'thanx babe'. I didn't reply to that. An hour later she sends a text saying 'sorry'. I also didn't respond to that text. Around 2 p.m. today I get a text saying 'You're doing a great job of ignoring me. I guess that means you've moved on and met someone else. As long as you're happy........'. I also ignored this but I couldn't help but laugh! I mean come on dude! I asked for NC, I broke to help you out with something, now you're accusing me of having a new gf or fwb or whatever?! You lost all the right to do that when you DUMPED me!!! Half an hour later she sends me at '(my name)!!!!!!!!!'. I ignored that too. I kept working and met up with my parents for dinner. While I'm at dinner, I get a text saying 'Well f*** you too then'. I ignored that as well. I feel so proud of myself because the previous times I would have given in to her bs texts. If it was important for any reason she would have called me, but she didn't. She no longer has me strung along and I am SO thankful for that!!! 1
Author atarisboy86 Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 I failed terribly the past few days... I finally gave in and damn dude it backfire on me. All of you that are reading this please do NOT repeat my mistake. I finally responded to her texts from Monday...she said she missed me and wants to hang out. We end up going to have dinner and drinks on Tuesday...just to "catch up". From the first minute or two, I knew it wasn't going to end well. She can't find her ID, apparently has been partying every weekend and some weeknights since we broke up. She says it's to keep her mind off of me. She asked again if I had hooked up with anyone, I responded no...and STUPIDLY I asked again if she had, she said no, but I knew she was lying and I asked again...she responded she had when she was drunk one night and it wasn't anyone she knew. At that point, we were done with dinner and I had her take me back. We get to my place and I exit the car as she tries to hug and kiss me...she had been doing that the entire time at dinner, she tells me to give her a kiss goodbye. I was a little upset over what I found so I didn't, as I walk around the car her window goes down and she says "I love you", I said you're full of **** and walk into my home. I go in and get into bed. Later that night she texts me "Sorry you hate me" and she calls me a few times...then at around 2:30 a.m. she sends a text saying "Waaaaa" The next morning I call because I was worried about her and she says she just got home, this is at 8:00 a.m., I asked where she had been she says her friend dropped her off. I asked if it was a certain guy, she admitted it was. This is one of the guys from my original post back in October of 2011. He is a friend, never was a bf, but a fwb type of dude that never wanted anything from her other than the sex. I let my anger get the best of me and I told her off. It was a total move out of anger and without thinking, but it felt good to finally tell her how I felt. I ended the conversation by telling her to never contact me again. Later that night, I get this email "God I hate you so much but love you even more. My life has definitely turned upside down this last month!!!! I just want you again and this totally sucks I know you hate me and probably won't write back but I love you!!....You never know what the future holds maybe we will get back together well night" I took the bait and called her the next morning. Damn I don't know what it is. I know it's very bi polar but I still took the bait. She said that's how I'm feeling. Now I'm not considering reconciliation, at least not after three weeks and her partying like crazy and screwing that guy, but I still keep talking to her. I tell her if that email was true or more like the other email she sent before...she says this time it's real and she would like to try to make it work. I say before we can even entertain that thought, she needs to stop talking to that guy. She calls me insecure and controlling and says it's a relationship between me and her not the three of us. I listen and keep talking to her and that seems to be the sticking point for her...in her words "I just can't cut him off". I told her that without her doing that I wouldn't even think about it. She suggested going to a therapist to see what they thought. I contemplated it but realized that it wasn't going to work. This girl is a liar. She will continue to talk to this guy as well as others, she will continue to party every weekend and just won't work out. I told her I was changing my number and she said she would change hers as well. She told me she wasn't going to beg for me back, that I'm a great guy but she gave up her life and freedom and her guy "friends" for me once and she just wants to be young and have fun. I told her ok. What did I learn here? Do NOT take those breadcrumbs. I don't think she was sincere at all, it was just a test to make sure I was still being strung along and in her back pocket. I was very serene and calm with my last few posts but this time I'm a little upset. I believed what she told me...but a year and a half later I noticed that I was just a placeholder for this guy. This guy never wanted a relationship with her, just used her for the sex and being the young girl she is, she wants what she can't have. Maybe she'll get her wish and she will get into a relationship with him. She talked to him throughout our relationship and immediately after every breakup. I'm fine with it, a little angry for her making a fool out of me, but NC starts TODAY. I changed my number. I haven't checked her Facebook or her Twitter. I'm done with it. How many times will I be made a fool out of? She is a liar, dishonest, a cheater and just an overall negative person that I don't need in my life. LESSON LEARNED! All of you reading this maintain NC! Your dumper ex is more than likely already seeing/sleeping with other people...it doesn't matter how much you think your ex wants to come back...many times all they are feeding you is breadcrumbs and it's just to see if you're still stupid enough to respond to it. MAINTAIN NC!
Author atarisboy86 Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 So it's been a few days since my last post. I'm staying strong with the NC even though it's hard with someone of the emails that I read from her. She's pulling out the stops, telling me she loves me and calling me babe in the emails. We still have stuff to settle but for the most part it's all stuff that doesn't need to be communicated about (bringing mail, the smallest items that I left at her place, etc). I know it's just breadcrumbs. I realized I had an addiction to this girl. It was almost like a fix. My therapist and I spoke yesterday and told me something along the lines of "Addiction is the opposite of love. It is one sided. Unstable and inconsistent" I realize that now and I think some of us here on LS do have something similar to this. We know that a person isn't good for us or to us, but we still stick around or try to make that contact because it'll make us feel good, then we come down and realize it's the same messed up situation. I've never been addicted to any substance, alcohol, or drugs...I sure as hell won't be addicted to a girl. Our first year should have been all rainbows and butterflies but instead there were many arguments and breakups, yelling at each other, etc...it wasn't healthy and the whole on and off doesn't help anyone. Let's keep the NC going!
Calico Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 We know that a person isn't good for us or to us, but we still stick around or try to make that contact because it'll make us feel good, then we come down and realize it's the same messed up situation. I've never been addicted to any substance, alcohol, or drugs...I sure as hell won't be addicted to a girl. It's not the girl, it's the effect she has on you -- the validation, the sense of a purpose, the feeling of being needed, and the sentimentality and the habit. It's nice to be loved! Alcohol addiction is something I went through once in my life, some years ago (it actually climaxed because of a break-up), and I agree that the withdrawal experience is extremely similar. Some of the physical sensations aside (but not all, some are the same too), it's almost identical. The same tricks of the mind, the same obsessive thought patterns, the same "I need this, can't go on without it!" belief, the same pain-filled dreams, the same despair, the same surges of confidence that are then crushed by hopelessness, the same conviction that it will never get better unless you get your fix, and the same circular thinking. It's probably easier to go through alcohol withdrawal because the substance isn't a person who could make it all better if they only choose t, and there's usually someone around who loves you and supports you. That experience made me a much stronger person, it provided important lessons, new insights, boosted my self-esteem, turned into something I was and am really proud of, and made me overall a "deeper" person. No doubt the relationship withdrawal, especially with NC in the picture, offers much of the same benefits, and I think you're on an excellent road where those rewards await you at the end. How did you go about it when you told her you were going NC? I did that with my ex yesterday and I fumbled around pretty badly, really torn whether I should or not, and she was not really understanding why I want to do that, and in the end it was more like "let's take a break from all of this for a few days and then see ...". But that is what it took to come up with the courage to really try it this time. Because, just like the alcohol addiction years ago, being addicted simply isn't fun, and life is too short to spend so much time not only not having fun, but instead feeling miserable and torn open. 1
leoc1973 Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Hey man I am sorry you are going through this. Like dayslikethis I am also older 38. And I have been through this over and over and over again. like maybe 4 or 5 times in my life. Its always like a carbon copy of the original. Girl dumps you and tells you she still loves you but can't be with you. Meanwhile she has a guy "friend" or 2 that she is "talking to" ie. sleeping with. She keeps doing that I love you and the you are the love of my life thing. I have heard that I am the love of at least 5 girls lives while they are banging someone else. Notice they keep asking all along if you are seeing someone... More on that in a minute. And every time you go a few days or a week or 2 she sends this really beautiful email on how she really wants to make it work with you this time for real. Thats because she's afraid you might meet another girl. But there is always that guy "friend" they can't give up because they are best buds or he needs her right now or she's known him since they were children or something like that. And if you challenge that you are possessive or controlling or what ever adjective she can think of to make you feel like you are really the douche. Ok the bread crumbs keep coming and you keep biting another thing that usually happens( I don't know if you noticed yet but its always happened with me) is that the periods of time she calls or emails gets longer and longer apart. This is because she is feeling you out to see how far and how long she can push you before she REALLY feels you slipping away. You will notice at first her contacting you is a few hours then it will be few days then a week and a few weeks. She likes to know how long her leash is. Then the REAL feeling of you slipping away is when she turns it up a notch and shows up begging and pouting and calling you pet names and promising you the moon. This will go on and on forever if you let it or till she falls in love again with someone else. You are suffering while she sleeps like a baby knowing she only has to turn on the tears to get you to come crawling back. Meanwhile like we've discussed she is banging someone else. OK no I know like one of the previous posters(maybe you) said its easy to sideline quarterback and tell each other what must be done but trust me I know that burniing feeling you get in between your gut and your chest like this can't be happening she can not really be allowing another penis to be in her! This is mind blowing that another man is literally F'ing my love treating her like a whore and then pulling up his pants and walking away like she is a typical slut and not the beautiful only girl in the world to me love that I know. I understand that feeling and most all of us do. That rage and sadness and fear all together in that one spot. But that being said. since I have been through this 4 or 5 times here is what will make her lose her mind she will be like putty and I bet that she loses that "friend" in a second. I meet a new girl. Literally every single time I have been through this I meet a new girl and she(she being any one of the 5) is at my house. Begging crying pleading sobbing telling me she just wants to die and may just take a bottle of pills. Losing her breath she is crying so hard. Then you tell them no sorry I met someone new. Then it gets worse. Please Iwill do anything! anything! I will stop talking to dan or steve or john or joe or what ever that "friends" name is. She will make any promise or tell you anything and in my case I always except once stayed with the new girl I met. I know that you are trying to be strong. I really do but dude if deep down you want her back and another chance with her or even to get her to beg a little before you tell her to F off! Go on one. just one date with another girl. And let her find out. I am telling you 5 times I have done this. My last ex did the some day I feel we will find each other again thing. She contacted me every so often to see how I was doing. Played every mind game you can imagine. Always threw me breadcrumbs. Always asked if I was seeing someone. Then the one time I said yes I am now its the biggest mistake of her life. She's dumping her boyfriend she has cancer(2 kinds LOL) bla bla bla. But I just don't think I could ever get over another penis in the girl I would have died for and considered the love of my life. OK sorry I rambled on so much I am a little(a whole lot) drunk! Take care and DATE!!! 1
Author atarisboy86 Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 It's not the girl, it's the effect she has on you -- the validation, the sense of a purpose, the feeling of being needed, and the sentimentality and the habit. It's nice to be loved! I agree with you. I've seen myself as somewhat of a "nice guy" someone that feels good by helping others. This girl was quite honestly a fixer-upper. I met her when she partied and was doing all sorts of crazy things, and at first that intrigued me about her...but then I decided I would try and "reform" her and that was my mistake. She is back to partying and going out on a daily basis. I have a brother that has been in legal issues due to substance abuse, and he is going to court mandated Al Anon classes...I broke down talking to him one night and he gave me his 24 Hours sober coin with the Serenity Prayer on the back. He told me to take it one day at a time and that I would make it through this journey ahead. How did you go about it when you told her you were going NC? I did that with my ex yesterday and I fumbled around pretty badly, really torn whether I should or not, and she was not really understanding why I want to do that, and in the end it was more like "let's take a break from all of this for a few days and then see ...". But that is what it took to come up with the courage to really try it this time. Because, just like the alcohol addiction years ago, being addicted simply isn't fun, and life is too short to spend so much time not only not having fun, but instead feeling miserable and torn open. I told her I needed time to move on and get over her. She said why can't we be friends? I told her straight up that it won't work, especially not when she is hanging out with her "friend" and there isn't trust and that this relationship won't work. She said something along the lines of not being ready at the time but that she wants me to be her friend so that when she is ready we can give it a shot. WTF?! I emailed her since I changed my number and told her to please stop contacting me. She replied by saying that she would do her best to respect my wishes, but that she knows and I know that it probably won't happen and that she'll reach out again. I think what has me going stronger this time is that I know that nothing positive will come of reaching out...ok, maybe I can go over and sleep with her, but then what? do I want to just help her with an urge because Tom, Dick or Harry isn't available to scratch that itch tonight? No thanks!
Author atarisboy86 Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 Hey man I am sorry you are going through this. Like dayslikethis I am also older 38. And I have been through this over and over and over again. like maybe 4 or 5 times in my life. Its always like a carbon copy of the original. This is the only girl that I've ever been on and off with. The other girls and I went our own ways in the past, once with me as the dumpee and once with me as the dumper. The first girl that dumped me she didn't reach out for a while, months, we hung out once and realized it wasn't working and have talked very sparingly since. The girl I dumped, I reached out a few times over a span of a few months, and that girl I haven't talked to in a while as well. This is the first girl that plays these games with me. I haven't ever dealt with this before. Girl dumps you and tells you she still loves you but can't be with you. Meanwhile she has a guy "friend" or 2 that she is "talking to" ie. sleeping with. She keeps doing that I love you and the you are the love of my life thing. I have heard that I am the love of at least 5 girls lives while they are banging someone else. Yes, very true. Tells me that she needs to "find herself" or that "I wasn't fun". She left me a note on Labor Day saying those exact words: "I'll always love you. You are the love of my life". Notice they keep asking all along if you are seeing someone... More on that in a minute. And every time you go a few days or a week or 2 she sends this really beautiful email on how she really wants to make it work with you this time for real. Thats because she's afraid you might meet another girl. But there is always that guy "friend" they can't give up because they are best buds or he needs her right now or she's known him since they were children or something like that. And if you challenge that you are possessive or controlling or what ever adjective she can think of to make you feel like you are really the douche. Correct again. She never tells me she wants to make it work. She mentions missing me, and wanting to snuggle me, smell me, hold me, kiss me, just have me comfort her. She did mention if I had met anyone else, or hooked up with anyone else. And yup, I mentioned to her if she wanted ANY change of reconciliation at all (which was more a test, I've noticed this won't work after a month breakup), she would have to stop talking to him, I get the "I can't just cut him off like that, I did that for him once and I won't do it again. You're being insecure. He is just a friend. I knew him before you and I even knew each other." But like you said, she has been sleeping with him for god knows how long since the breakup. And yes, it's all my fault...I am the controlling one. I am the insecure one. Ok the bread crumbs keep coming and you keep biting another thing that usually happens (I don't know if you noticed yet but its always happened with me) is that the periods of time she calls or emails gets longer and longer apart. This is because she is feeling you out to see how far and how long she can push you before she REALLY feels you slipping away. You will notice at first her contacting you is a few hours then it will be few days then a week and a few weeks. She likes to know how long her leash is. Then the REAL feeling of you slipping away is when she turns it up a notch and shows up begging and pouting and calling you pet names and promising you the moon. This has yet to happen. Her longest period of NC has been about three days. She last wrote me an email yesterday, wishing that it wasn't "all or nothing with me. Saying that "she chose this so she can't cry about it because it was her decision. I love you!!!!!. Take care babe" Just very manipulative remarks to get a response. Using the pet names and saying I love you. I think most of her past emails have ended in "I Love you!!!!!!" This will go on and on forever if you let it or till she falls in love again with someone else. You are suffering while she sleeps like a baby knowing she only has to turn on the tears to get you to come crawling back. Meanwhile like we've discussed she is banging someone else. She claims she doesn't meet anyone at bars. That she doesn't have friends. yet she goes out every night or weekend? Yeah right. This guy that is her friend only uses her for sex and that's all. She herself has admitted he doesn't want to date her and never will. I heard from people that follow him on FB that he is posting pictures of himself with another girl he is currently seeing/dating so I don't know how long this will last with my ex. I don't want to be someone's second option or backup plan. F*** that! OK no I know like one of the previous posters(maybe you) said its easy to sideline quarterback and tell each other what must be done but trust me I know that burniing feeling you get in between your gut and your chest like this can't be happening she can not really be allowing another penis to be in her! This is mind blowing that another man is literally F'ing my love treating her like a whore and then pulling up his pants and walking away like she is a typical slut and not the beautiful only girl in the world to me love that I know. I understand that feeling and most all of us do. That rage and sadness and fear all together in that one spot. Oh of course it pisses me off to no end. Like I said, this kid sees her as a piece of meat. She herself defends him saying "I'm not just a piece of meat to him. He is a friend. We are friends. The hooking up is an extra and it doesn't happen all the time." Wow, that piece of news made me feel better about that situation! Of course let's get back together and you can stay friends with him, and when you're too drunk to drive and need a driver, call your friend to pick you up. I'll trust you two won't do anything *sarcasm* But that being said. since I have been through this 4 or 5 times here is what will make her lose her mind she will be like putty and I bet that she loses that "friend" in a second. I meet a new girl. Literally every single time I have been through this I meet a new girl and she(she being any one of the 5) is at my house. Begging crying pleading sobbing telling me she just wants to die and may just take a bottle of pills. Losing her breath she is crying so hard. Then you tell them no sorry I met someone new. Then it gets worse. Please Iwill do anything! anything! I will stop talking to dan or steve or john or joe or what ever that "friends" name is. She will make any promise or tell you anything and in my case I always except once stayed with the new girl I met. I don't know if this is the case. We'll have to see. I have a VERY casual meetup scheduled for tomorrow night with a girl. I'm not doing this to get her jealous, as I don't use Facebook or Twitter or anything, BUT I figure, she's been going out and having fun, why can't I? Why should I stay in while she goes out, gets drunk, has a FWB or various FWB and I'm at home with rosy palm? I know that you are trying to be strong. I really do but dude if deep down you want her back and another chance with her or even to get her to beg a little before you tell her to F off! Go on one. just one date with another girl. And let her find out. I am telling you 5 times I have done this. My last ex did the some day I feel we will find each other again thing. She contacted me every so often to see how I was doing. Played every mind game you can imagine. Always threw me breadcrumbs. Always asked if I was seeing someone. Then the one time I said yes I am now its the biggest mistake of her life. She's dumping her boyfriend she has cancer(2 kinds LOL) bla bla bla. But I just don't think I could ever get over another penis in the girl I would have died for and considered the love of my life. OK sorry I rambled on so much I am a little(a whole lot) drunk! Take care and DATE!!! A part of me wants her to beg. She herself has told me, "I'm not going to beg if that's what you want. I'm not going to put my heart on the line for you to reject me." I don't want her back. EVERYONE I talk to notices how happier I am and relieved I am to have her out of my life. It wasn't working. How much on and off do we need in a year relationship? It should be GREAT! arguments followed by makeup sex...not one to two weeks without sex because she is "tired" or "you're trying too hard and forcing it" We'll see what happens. I'm going to the gym because of my friend's wedding in late March. I have seven months to go. I live in a relatively small area where many people know each other and word gets out if people are dating or seeing someone new. I'm going to look great come March and I know I'll run into her...it's bound to happen. It's like the song "You'll Think Of Me" by Keith Urban. I'm not worried.... Just have to keep this momentum going! Thanks for your response Leo!
Calico Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 She said something along the lines of not being ready at the time but that she wants me to be her friend so that when she is ready we can give it a shot. WTF?! That's one strong leash to string you along, and to ensure huge regrets and doubts when you don't hang around and wait. But no, it's not possible to be just friends while one person is still emotionally attached. Also, I really don't want to be the good and loving friend and continue to provide emotional support, stability, familiarity and sentimentality, and the feeling of being wanted and protected and taken care of, while someone else gets the parts that make a relationship a romantic relationship. It's a package deal. It's simple: My ex replaced me with another guy, and so it's his job now to fill ALL the space left by me, and not just enjoy the "fair weather" and honeymoon bits. Maybe that will help her to remember the many good aspects of our relationship, and not only the bad times, which in every conversation with her lately dominated. I was basically always portrayed as the bad guy, and I grew tired of that too. Completely skewed perspective of what we had, but something I simply cannot change by hanging around and trying to defend myself when it's obvious I'm no longer wanted as a partner and get blamed for decisions that were made by hers, just so that she can better deal with the guilt and shame. I'd love to be there for her, I really do, and I feel bad for not sticking it out. But seeing that she chose what she believes is best for her, I really need to do the same with the limited options available to me. I still believe that being with her is the best for me, but since that's not an option, the next best thing is to move on and heal, and I can't do that when I daily see what I had and no longer have. 1
Author atarisboy86 Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 Great post Calico! You put exactly what I was thinking into more eloquent terms. Quite simply, to use that cliche, "she made her bed, now she has to lay in it". A relationship should be all in or all out, none of this in between stuff. It's ridiculous for the ex gf to think she can go and bang some other dude, and when he isn't there for her emotionally, mentally, isn't as compassionate...she runs back to you. Mine has even asked me to spend the night and snuggle with her, that she smelled me and could almost feel me and just missed me. She HATED snuggling when we were together, now she doesn't? I think things have started to go sour with this "friend" and is trying to pull on that leash. I agree, she puts things in a certain way as to create feelings of guilt or regret on MY part...when SHE was the dumper...Imagine that. Keep strong man and you'll do well...I'm going to read your post quite a bit because it's so well written.
leoc1973 Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Oh god those last 2 posts I know that all too well. When I was in my first relationship when I was around 22, Well my first real relationship before that it was all just short things and hook ups but the first girl that I loved and was with for a year and a half. She broke up with me and was dating a new guy but I was the shoulder to lean on. I would try anything to spark some kind of romantic response meanwhile she was banging some new guy. Then every night having me on the phone for 3 hours so that she could fall asleep. I would keep telling her ok honey go get some rest and she would ask me to stay on the phone with her till she fell asleep. AND I DID!!! Looking back at that later in life. I actually laugh and can't believe that was me that did that. I still have the same email account as I had all those years ago and I saved it but she sent me an email when I met the new girl after her telling me what a fool she's been and her "dream guy" was right in front of her all along. Then she did the guilt thing. "Babe is she more important than me" Thats when I realized that the guy has more power in a relationship than a girl does. You blow them off and date other women they go out of their mind. How many good looking or even beautiful girls do you know that have this one guy that no matter how bad he treats her she is always looking for him while bar hopping or calling him or asking about him while all these other guys are hitting on her she only wants him. Its cause that guy doesn't want anything to do with her and a woman can't handle that. Even when all her friends are threatening her and telling her there is no way they are letting her get back with him the girl still chases him around like a lost puppy. You gotta turn it around on her guys.
Freshstart637 Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 I loved this post. It helped me get my mind of my stupid ex for a bit. Do the people on these forums talk to each other on the phone?
Author atarisboy86 Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 So tonight at 8:00 I get an email from her..."What are you doing tonight?" I don't respond to her. I went out to a casino with my brother and as we are getting into my car...who shows up at 10:30 with my mail...YES, my ex! She says "here wait" and hands me my mail directly...I don't say a word to her get in the car with my brother and we drive off...I'm back home now and a little buzzed and just feel good. I'm glad she actually SAW me leave to go out so she knows that I'm having my fun as well...her friend she was with texted me (mutual friend) an asked a few questions...I kept them very general responses and wished that they have a good night and stay safe...I figure whatever I tell her will make it to her friend as well....let's keeP it going!!! P.S. best news was her friend telling me her ex started her period today..none of this "I haven't started my period yet" bs she used to give me to keep me wrapped around her finger...
leoc1973 Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Freshstart I don't know I think there are quite a few people that have made good friends on here. Atariboy. good for you! I will bet you get another message at some time soon asking where you were going and what you were up to. Thats when you give her the "i'm sorry I am busy right now, talk to ya tomorrow" Then ya look out the window and watch her drive by your house 15 times. LOL Keep it up tho man! I think in your case you could easily manipulate her. What ya gotta do is make her end up hating that other guy. Tell her that the only reason that the two of you will never be together again is because of him. Make sure you use the word never!
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