shiftman Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Hello and thanks to all who graciously give their time to read posts and provide input to others. After 26 years of what can best be described as managed misery, I have decided that I want to enjoy the rest of my life free of my current situation. Over the years, my wife has continually created problems in the marriage with alcohol abuse, irresponsible financial behavior and constant lying to cover-up the two aforementioned actions. The degree to which she has conducted herself is beyond my ability to describe, but bizarre is the best that I can come up with. Shortly after we were married, these transgressions began and I contemplated leaving. Because her father had opened a career door for me (I had to pass the exams, but he paved the way) I felt guilty about not supporting his daughter and continued dealing with the situation the best that I could. Soon after - and when the misery became almost unbearable -my wife told me that she was pregnant with our only child. Given her alcohol issues, I could not bear the thought of not being around to oversee his care. Later, when my son became older, my portfolio was such that I didn't want our assets liquified. In addition, I was raised in a multi-divorce household and vowed that no child of mine would have to live in that environment. The bottom line is that I have reached a point where I no longer feel obligated or guilty. My son has moved out on his own, and I have changed jobs. The issues with alcohol, financial irresponsibility, and dishonesty still remain and I simply no longer feel that I can live in this environment. I have lived in this for so long that I honestly have no idea what enjoyment is anymore. For me, good days only occur when nothing bad happens. Unfortunately, my wife has always been supported by somebody and has no concept of what it is like to be responsible for the financial security of a family. As such, she has no respect and appreciation for money. She was abused as a child and honestly feels that because society dealt her a bad hand, she is entitled to conduct herself in any manner that she chooses and should not be held accountable. I no longer respect my wife, trust her, or feel like I can count on her for anything (actually, I have felt that way for many years now). In many ways, I feel as though I have two kids instead of one kid and a spouse. As such, I have now found the courage to parole myself from my self-imposed "life sentence" and move on. I feel that if I do not make a significan life change, I am going to continue to live in misery with death as my only source of relief.
sad puppy Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Well, good luck to you. Does your wife know of your misery? Has she ever tried to address her drinking problems? How about counseling? You're absolutely right, when death would be the only relief, it is time to move on and reclaim your life. I hope you find happiness. Time is promised to no one.
stupidgirl22 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 You don't mention how much you love her. Do you?
Author shiftman Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 To answer the above questions, she tried counseling in response to my threats to leave. Once things calmed down, she would stop attending counseling sessions and revert back to her patented "I do not have a problem" response. There were many instances where I would come home from work to find dinner on the table and an empty house. There would be no note or notification of her whereabouts of any kind. In fact, one would think that a kidnapping had occured. Given that these instances occured before cell phones were around, it was extremely difficult to try and locate her. Sometimes, she would come back the next day. Other times, she would hide out for days or weeks at a time. In some instances, she would deposit our child with friends or neighbors who would then notify me of his whereabouts, and other times where she kept him and their wherabouts concealed for days on end. I can tell you that it is very hard to go to work and do your job when you have no idea where your child is and if he/she is safe. Her behavior reached levels where she would deny withdrawing money, or writing checks, even though I had the banks statements or cancelled checks in front of her face. Given that love has many levels, whether I love her or not is a very diccult question to answer. I can honestly say that I consider her behavior an embarrasment and I deeply resent her for it. I may indeed love her on some sentimental level, but I do not like her very much. I apologize if the above answers seem cold and callous, but this saga has been over 25 years in the making.
stupidgirl22 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 After 26 years you must have some deal. You sound like you lay it all on her. Are there any outside influences? What do you want to gain? Walk the talk or communicate
mark982 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 you mean to tell us,that your wife would disappear for days or weeks,and her friends would call you the kid was ok,but wouldn't tell you where he was and you didn't call the authorities? somethings wrong here!!!
stupidgirl22 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Have you asked her? What would you wish to achieve and do you love her? Her behavior is odd but two stories. Do you fight? 1
stupidgirl22 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Forgive me but this doesn't sound right. Disappearing?????
Author shiftman Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 Let me see if I can clarify some previous information: There were times that she would disappear and stay with some of her single or divorced female friends. Those friends would not betray her friendship by telling me anything. There were other times that she would drop off our child at the homes of mutual friends or relatives. Those individuals would notify me that they had our son and I would go and pick him up, or they would bring him to me. Some of these friends were also co-workers and that became an increasing source of embarassment at my place of employment. This was not a weekly occurance - and I apologize if I gave that impression. I would say that they were a once or twice a year occurance over a period of a few years. Once my son got old enough to communicate about what was going on, she stopped taking him and only left by herself. As for notifying the authorities, I live in a rural county in the the southeast part of the country. After a couple of instances, the local sheriffs department became aware of the behavior and did what they could. By law she had a right to take him wherever she wanted, and I had to file legal action to address the situation. Keep in mind that at that point in time, the child custody laws were still skewed in favor of the mother. Now, that might not have been the case in all parts of the country, but it was certainly that way in my small rural area. The numerous cases of drinking ended in many different ways. In some instances, I would go and retrieve her from some bar in a nearby town. In other instances, a strange car would pull into the driveway of the home of one of her relatives and she would be carried to the porch and dropped off. The other common routine was that she would get a motel room and sleep it off. She would come home sober, but looking like death warmed over. As I look back on it now, I wonder if maybe she suffers from some form of bipolar disorder. However, I am not a doctor. I will say that I probably failed in being as supportive as I should have been in getting her some help. I tended to react very negatively on her behavior and began to view her as bad person instead of somebody in serious need of help. Make no mistake, I own a big piece of this as well.
Author shiftman Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 After 26 years you must have some deal. You sound like you lay it all on her. Are there any outside influences? What do you want to gain? Walk the talk or communicate I am not quite sure of exactly what you are asking, but I will do my best to answer what I think that you are asking. For all intents and purposes, I am an introvert with a tendency to be a "workaholic". My internal drive to have a successful career came into direct conflict with her need to have a "touchy, feelie, cuddling" type of relationship with a certain social aspect. She liked going out to bars, and I did not. The more I worked to climb the ladder, the more neglected I think she felt. The more neglected that she felt, the more the alcohol demons began to surface. The more she acted in a manner that I felt was unacceptable, the more I worked to create a diversion. It was a vicious cycle. On the few occasions that I tried to alter my behavioral patterns, the more she claimed that I was not sincere and that it was only an act. After a few attempts, I simply gave up. The funny thing is that as miserable as she was, she never left. She filed for divorce three times and backed out (with the lawyers keeping the retainer fee) all three times. On several occasions she moved out - only to move back in days or weeks later. In those instances, I lost security deposits and paid lease termination fees. I can tell you from experience that when you unlock the front door from a house that was emptied of all of its contents, the clicking sound of the lock makes an unique echoing sound throughout an empty house. Especially, if you had no idea that the house was empty. As far as outside influences go, none as far as I can gather. This holds true for both of us.
mark982 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 you are in no way responsible for her being a drunk,she chose that lifestyle,help was always available. i still can't figure out why you never stopped her having access to you finances? but that's water over the dam now. i gotta give you credit for sticking in there for as long as you did,but i got a feeling that things will get real ugly in divorce.
Author shiftman Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 I would not classify her as a "drunk". I think that this term is too generic in nature. She is more in the catagory of a "binge" drinker. She can go days, even weeks without alcohol (she only drinks beer) but when she gets upset and starts drinking, she will drink in proportion to how upset she is. There is no doubt that she drinks to ease some sort of pain. I continued to let her have access to the finances to keep peace in the house and in hopes that she would learn financial responsibility. It did not work. In that context, I am a good example of the textbook definition of insanity. A couple of years back, I discovered that she has racked up almost ten thousand dollars on a credit card that I did not even know existed. She had only been paying what she could covertly aquire (which sometimes did not even meet the minimum monthly payment) while amassing finance charges at 34.99%. Lucky for me, I happened to uncover the bill otherwise I have no idea how long this would have continued. Oddly enough, she has agreed to an uncontested divorce. I think thst on some level, she wanted out too. Maybe just to frightened of the unkown to have ever done it herself.
stupidgirl22 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Is she having an affair? Have you spoken. You still don't talk of love or communication or want or desire. If you love her prove if not get out
JD1977 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Your story reminds me of that Meg Ryan movie "When A Man Loves A Woman." If your wife isn't willing to get help, and make changes to save her marriage then there is nothing you can do. You can't be the only one trying to make it work. It sounds like anyone who knows her past behavor wouldn't blame you. I hate the thought of anyone's marriage ending, but it doesn't sound like much of a marriage now. Maybe this will be the awakening she needs.
Author shiftman Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 Yes, we speak. In fact, we still both live in the same house. She claims there has never been any infidelity. Past that, I don't know. I had a 7 month emotional affair with a young lady a couple of years ago. It was the most mentally exhaustive thing that I have ever experienced, and I have no desire to ever go through that again.
It's Just Me Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Well, I'd have been done a long time ago. Then again, I don't have patience for substance abusers, whether I'm married to them or not. Kudos to you for hanging in as long as you did. I would suggest Al-Anon as a jumping-off point, if you want to work through all of this, and perhaps be of help/insight to your son. I am sure that he was (and likely still is) affected by the behaviour as well. I do understand that, for a lot of people, there's a fine line between being unsupportive and wanting to take care of yourself. After 26 years with no improvement, I'd say you've earned Door No. 2 in spades. One last thought: if you were a woman, and your husband was the one behaving this way, I don't think anyone would have hesitated to tell you to dump his sorry ass 15 years ago.
Author shiftman Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 Your story reminds me of that Meg Ryan movie "When A Man Loves A Woman." If your wife isn't willing to get help, and make changes to save her marriage then there is nothing you can do. You can't be the only one trying to make it work. It sounds like anyone who knows her past behavor wouldn't blame you. I hate the thought of anyone's marriage ending, but it doesn't sound like much of a marriage now. Maybe this will be the awakening she needs. I have never seen the movie, so I cannot comment. If I had family around, I might have found the support I needed to leave -despite my vow never to leave my child. Given that we only had her family to talk to, the input that I received was slightly skewed. In retrospect, we never really had a marriage. What we had was a strong sexual relationship with a state license.
UpwardForward Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 IMO, you are accusing & w/o foundation. Probably determined to undermine & always challenge your W and her opinions. The reason for her binge and beer drinking could be her vulnerability in trying to deal w the above and You. Probably you should grow a pair and let her on her own w spousal support, but you may have her brainwashed that everything is her fault, to the point she has become weak and afraid of the permanent separation. Eventually your newfound freedom will cause you to seek another. Then you will be forced to confront your own problems.
Author shiftman Posted August 27, 2012 Author Posted August 27, 2012 IMO, you are accusing & w/o foundation. Probably determined to undermine & always challenge your W and her opinions. The reason for her binge and beer drinking could be her vulnerability in trying to deal w the above and You. Probably you should grow a pair and let her on her own w spousal support, but you may have her brainwashed that everything is her fault, to the point she has become weak and afraid of the permanent separation. Eventually your newfound freedom will cause you to seek another. Then you will be forced to confront your own problems. The fact that you decided to carry our political disagreement to a completely unrelated thread, tells me that you have plenty of your own emotional and maturity issues to deal with.
Owl Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 What advice are you seeking? What "help" are you looking for in this thread?
Author shiftman Posted August 27, 2012 Author Posted August 27, 2012 What advice are you seeking? What "help" are you looking for in this thread? Upward decided to carry our political forum conversation to this thread and go into "attack" mode. Hopefully, a moderator will come along and delete it. The OP was merely "my story". Outside of the above "idiotic" post, the responses have been quite helpful. In turn, I hope that my trials and tribulations may help others as well.
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