Totally unexpected

[Ilya]

We met as interns and hit it off. Several months into our relationship she moved in with me. The mother of my daughter decided to relocate half way around the country giving me a two week notice. I wasn't sure what to do, as I had no one in that area; I was extremely upset by the news. I mentioned this to K and said that I would like to follow, regardless of hardships of relocating to an area without a job, a place to live, anyone to socialize or lean on. She did not hesitate once and said "when are we moving?" Both of us were finishing up our Master's programs (different schools) and began applying by cold-calling and sending out resume's blindly to companies that were hiring and to companies that did not. K received an answer that they ought to to a skype interview. Long story short--she got the job offer and we began looking for an apartment through apartmentratings.com and neighborhoodscout, looking for a safe and affordable place. Let me tell you, it is not an easy task living 7 states away. We sold off all of our possessions within a matter of weeks, left my house, which was being foreclosed on, loaded my car and left everything behind. K is very social and has a network of friends that she constantly keeps up with. I, on the other hand am a loner. I was quite surprised she left behind her friends, family and place where she grew up (I grew up in Europe).

We went through legal troubles together, employment issues and handled it as well as I ever seen a couple handle. She kept saying that she enjoys being here and does not miss her home and friends, stating that this feels like home. She went back several times for different reasons and life went on as usual. She did bring up issues in our relationships that she wanted to see improved; I listened with one ear and it went out the other. I never questioned her commitment to me, or whether we would grow old together. I grew up with little stability and seeing her day in and day out being so calm, rational and consistent I must have taken her for granted.

 

We did have several fights, nothing major. They were patched up fairly quickly. The last time she went home she returned different. Picking her up at the airport I sensed something was wrong, I could tell the way she looked at me. She was distant for about a week before we had an argument and this argument left both of us stunned. We decided that we can no longer be together.

Lease is being broken, belongings are being sold. She is leaving back home.

 

She says she still loves me. It is so hard to be around her, and even harder when she is not around. This is the first break up that is civil, without heavy emphasis on screaming, finger pointing.

 

It feels surreal. She says it, and I feel like this can not be happening. I feel like she was my absolute rock.

I'm all alone in this city and I do feel very low. I'm not very social and I have no one to talk to, as I have alienated everyone.

[Anastar]

Wow...that's so sad, I'm sorry for you. Try to not to panic and get busy with work or looking for work. Spend time with your daughter. Give her and yourself time even if you have to restrain yourself. During this time out you will gain a better understanding of your situation. Even if you're not social, you can go to the gym, movies, and even a bar.

In time you'll figure things out.

-A

[steveblack]

Welcome to the LS family.

 

I am going through a civil breakup as well. Its really odd. She wanted space, and I have given it to her. What else can I do? So I have not contacted her for over a month, and I am giving her space while I explore/heal and learn about myself. Its kind of exciting to tell you the truth. But with this I have my lows, I miss her, yes I do, but hey, if she doesn't want me, i shouldn't force that issue.

 

There are a lot of good posts here so you will find some good advice. I would start by mentally preparing yourself that its over, and you got to start to concentrate on you. The big thing about relationships that causes hurt is ATTACHMENT. Attachment, according the Buddhists, is one of a couple of ways your mind causes you pain. You can love., be in love with someone, but if you are not comfortable with happy within your own self, and your happiness is RELIANT on someone else, then you are setting yourself up for disappointing.

 

Start working on yourself: read, exercise, do something you never did before, meet people. etc etc.

 

Go NC for a little bit just to clear your mind. GO cry, who cares. DO what you need to do.

 

I am over a month of NC and it still feels surreal and a nightmare, but I am getting better. Slowly. If she returns to my life somehow, maybe we talk? But I am not counting on it.

 

 

Oh watch 500 days of summer. you will cry, but its worth the watch