Author Mount Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 So how do I "win" in current messy situation? What I mean by "win" does not mean win the MM over from his wife. I mean how do I win by keeping myself feeling hurt by the MM, not continue to make the MM feel good, feel being ego boosted by me? Mount, the reason he's "Shameless" as you put it is because men don't require love to have sex. Neither do lots of women. Unfortuantely many people, mosty women, equate sex with love and think that by sharing their body with someone that that means that they must have deep feelings for them. I know that happens a lot. Girl: I love him so we will sleep together Guy: Oh sex! Yes please! Girl: He slept with me so he must love me Guy: Oh I hope we get to do it again! I love sex! That is a horrible and vicious stereotype, but stereotypes exist for a reason. If you delude yourself into thinking that sex=love you are going to get your heart broken every time. Sex needs to be part of a whole and functional relationship, but sex doesn't make it a whole and functional relationship. Please... if no one ever gets anything else out of anything else I've ever written... please make note of that.
Author Mount Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 But I am angry about his knowing me still attaching to him, having feeling to him, so how do I make it not happening, not making him good about himself? If you want nothing to do with him, then you have nothing to do with him. No talking, no texting, no emails... you know, the "miraculous" NC.... but you know what? That sucks. That tells you how to not be talkign to him but it doesn't tell you how to do it. It doesn't tell you how to keep yourself busy and your mind off what you shared. Keep busy, find hobbies, hang out with friends, fill those hours with new routine. If I remember correctly you work together. I don't see how that's going to work, I really don't. I mean, sure it can... but you already know you don't have the willpower to do it and you're angry with yourself now. This sounds old-fashioned but you know what? I find that men seem to find it true. Women don't have drinks alone with men who they wouldn't be open to sleeping with. Women don't have men to their homes/apartments if they aren't open to sleeping with them. (I don't mean parties or groups.. I mean, inviting a man over) Women don't have conversations alone with men in closed offices unless they are willing to sleep with them. Women don't touch men other than very casually if they aren't open to sleeping with them. Women don't send unnecessary texts and emails to men that they aren't interested in sleeping with. (again, not as part of a group communication, but private) So, I'm going to ask, what signals might you be giving him to make him think you are still receptive?
Spark1111 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Ignore,ignore,ignore. Act happy and strictly professional....and fake it until you make it. Make believe you could not care less whether he lives or dies....UNTIL you could not care less if he lives or dies. Stop obssessing over who he is or isn't talking to, flirting with, speaking of. No personal texts or phone calls or emails. Block every avenue that he has to contact you except the strictly professional ones that you cannot change. If he uses those to send you a personal comment, ignore it. Do NOT respond to anything except work. Haven't you ever broken up with someone before? When it's over, it's over! Act it. Live it.
Author Mount Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 Spark, you are so right on. I think I am able to do following bolded part, but in my mind I have to care less whether he lives or dies - which means detach and stop the jealousy of him talking to. That part is really HARD, which needs me really working on. Ignore,ignore,ignore. Act happy and strictly professional....and fake it until you make it. Make believe you could not care less whether he lives or dies....UNTIL you could not care less if he lives or dies. Stop obssessing over who he is or isn't talking to, flirting with, speaking of. No personal texts or phone calls or emails. Block every avenue that he has to contact you except the strictly professional ones that you cannot change. If he uses those to send you a personal comment, ignore it. Do NOT respond to anything except work. Haven't you ever broken up with someone before? When it's over, it's over! Act it. Live it.
whichwayisup Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Ah...WWI, why you said the MM loves that it upsets me and he is playing/stringing you along. Are you saying he is playing mind game with me, for what purpose though. I feel like the MM does not want to deal with the stress I am giving him, thus retreats. That causes me angry as well. This is just my take on it, he's doing this because he can. He knows how to and what buttons to push so you'll cave. he's manipulating you selfishly on his terms and as soon as you react, he shuts offs and backs off hense the cat/mouse game. this feeds his ego as he feels great that he can get what he wants, then when he's done and he walk away and focus on something else without giving you a second thought. Get even more angry! Enough to see that this guy is soooooo not worth all this effort..In your mind, in your heart. He's a wasted space in your life that drains you of your energy, love and care. He doesn't have your best interest at heart.
stillwater Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 But I am angry about his knowing me still attaching to him, having feeling to him, so how do I make it not happening, not making him good about himself? Exactly what Spark said. Ignore him unless you absolutely have to communicate for work. And in that case, keep it strictly professional. No flirting. No personal talking. If he asks how you are, smile and say "good" like you would with any other co-worker, and go back to work. Don't let him see you upset. Even if you're not, ACT confident and happy and in a good mood. Force yourself to smile! Go out and do things, even if you don't want to. You'll probably feel like you're just going through the motions for a while, but it beats moping around and dwelling on him. A couple quotes to think about: "You start pretending to have fun, you might even have a little by accident." "Living well is the best revenge."
whichwayisup Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 But I am angry about his knowing me still attaching to him, having feeling to him, so how do I make it not happening, not making him good about himself? Don't ever show him or tell him how you feel. Don't ask him about who is talking to (other women) and don't show him if you're feeling jealous or hurt. Him knowing just feeds his ego. Focus on you, your life, friends, family and other good stuff going on. IGNORE him, do NC in your head. Don't let yourself think of him, fantasize or wonder about him. Be pro active in this and once you're out of the habit of thinking of him (before bed, or in the morning etc) so much. It'll just happen over time. Your mind will adjust and naturally not 'go there'.
Author Mount Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 But it is so hard. I feel lost if I don't see him, don't talk to him.....:eek: Does that mean I am getting attached more and more? Don't ever show him or tell him how you feel. Don't ask him about who is talking to (other women) and don't show him if you're feeling jealous or hurt. Him knowing just feeds his ego. Focus on you, your life, friends, family and other good stuff going on. IGNORE him, do NC in your head. Don't let yourself think of him, fantasize or wonder about him. Be pro active in this and once you're out of the habit of thinking of him (before bed, or in the morning etc) so much. It'll just happen over time. Your mind will adjust and naturally not 'go there'.
whichwayisup Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 But it is so hard. I feel lost if I don't see him, don't talk to him.....:eek: Does that mean I am getting attached more and more? It is hard and it hurts..But it won't kill you. Mount you're much stronger than you realize! If you can take each day and focus on NC, (in your head too) and keep busy too you CAN detach and care less about what he thinks and feels. You feel lost without him and miss him because you're in withdrawal. If you can get yourself through this and realize that 'so what' if I don't see or speak to him, it really doesn't matter - You'll feel so much better. don't allow him to be your be all and end all, affecting your moods, relying on him to make you feel good and happy. That's ego taking over.
Author Mount Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Thank you LadyGrey, I will download the song to my apple toys which was also the gift given by the the MM. I heard this song the other day, I hadn't heard it in a long time but I thought of you when I heard it. Take a listen Mount. It's called "Let Him Fly" And there ain't no talkin to this man He's been tryin to tell me so It took awhile to understand the beauty of just letting go Cause it would take an acrobat, I already tried all that I'm gonna let him fly I'm gonna let him fly I'm gonna let him fly
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