Why do I want to be on my own more and more - what is happening to my life?

[girlygo]

2 years ago I persuaded my boyfriend to move to my town so that we could live together and be together, knowing full well that things weren't going very well but thought it woud bring us together. It didn't work and I found out that he was quite emotionally abusive and uncompromising about everything, so eventually moved out whilst he stayed in the house we both lived in. We've continued to see each other and be in a 'relationship' when the truth is deep down, although I love him I don't really want to be with him but because I don't want to be alone and I feel guilty for getting him to move so far away to be with me when he knows no-one here and has no car. He does not work either, so whilst I'm at work I fee guilty for him being on his own and the fact that I in a way have left him on his own. If it weren't for me, he would never have moved.

 

A year later I got a job working for a boss who quite frankly treated me with alot of disrespect and, over the months, athough I would stand up for myself initially with all the power games he played and pushing me menial tasks that were beneath what my role called of me, my confidence was eroded. I don't know what has happened but during this time I have gone off sex and, living on my own and seeing my boyfriend every weekend and no-one else (due to the fact that none of my family or friends know that I stilll see him because they would be devastated due to the way he has treated me in the past) is making me feel trapped.

 

It has got to the point where I don't want to see many people and I purposefully make excuses for not going out or inviting anyone around. I have pretty much alienated my family, only seeing them for short periods because I don't feel that I have anything to say because frankly I don't do anything. At work I have nothing really to talk about and the only thing I look forward to is coming home and locking myself away from the outside world. The worst thing is that I have no libido anymore and can't work out whether it's me, or because I'm not attracted to my boyfriend, or whether it's due to working in such an environment with a boss who has singled me out for mistreatment from day one and has now told me that my contract will not be renewed, even though there is alot of work coming on board.

 

I used to be confident, happy and more sociable but all I want to do is avoid being around people as much as possible. I actually look forward to just being on my own to feel safe, but I know that I'm distancing myself from people more and more, even my family and I'm just not interested in anything anymore. On top of that, I'll be out of work soon and just don't know how much more knock backs and stress I can take. What is happening to me and how can I stop it?

[Jes]

I think you've truly lost yourself when it come's to being with this man, especially since you've mentioned that he's emotionally abusive, it seems that this behaviour that he show's towards you, make's you feel emotionally abused, which is obvious because you feel alienated, but i can relate. I've been with my boyfriend for a year & three months, ever since we started dating i've become this hostile person towards everyone & everything in life. I barely go out with friends, i dont talk to my family & i've stopped smoking marijuana, but he has not. This relate's to how you feel because, as much as i love my boyfriend, i think about our future everyday, & if the relationship is real or not, because i love him.. i give him money to smoke, which then cause's me to be broke because im barely making any money at the minimum paid job that i have. I just feel like he doesnt appritate that i do that for him, that i go out of my way to be broke & give him what he wants, but i dont smoke anymore because i want to concentrate on going back to school & my future career. My only advice too you GirlyGo, is think about what this man is doing to you, would you feel happier without him? What have you become since being with him? & do you think by letting him go, that you'd be able to be yourself again? Im not sure myself what's going to happen in my relationship, all i know is, i need to be true to myself.