First Post - Sense Required.

[Long_Road]

Hi, all

 

This my first post on here so forgive me if I'm a little behind on acronyms/forum trends, also please bear with me on this post as this is quite a read - but appreciate anybody who takes the time to read what I have to say.

 

In short we are both 22, and have been together 4 years. However the one thing she has had missing in our time together is a solid friendship, her friends always seem to disappear or let her down and they inevitably fall out.

 

I work as an IT professional and as such work office hours, and while she was at college/working in retail she too worked similar hours to myself, so once work was over we would be together. This unfortunately meant I blind sighted almost all of my friends, groups drifted apart and good friends grew distant (Something that has become now painfully obvious and I'm trying to rectify)

 

Now she has family who lives away, and now and then she will visit for a week to see people. I did not hear from her much while she was away, but I overheard from a family member that she got "Completely wasted" on friday night - when I asked her what she had done the time she was away she neglected to mention this at all. She spent the entire weekend with family and a large group of boys who are around our age and some younger. She admitted she did not tell me because she thought it would upset me.

 

This worried me, she tells me everything and we as a couple never drink, sure we may go out new years eve and perhaps once or twice a year with friends - but we always go together and she always refused to get drunk around me because she said "She act's like a complete ****" Completely out of character.

 

Once she got back, I'll admit I was lonely from being on my own for a week and a little upset with the lack of communication (This was before I found out about the whole being drunk thing) Once I found out about friday I snapped and said something I unfortunately couldn't take back "I don't trust you"

Neither of us could sleep, eat or think - After a day I went over and talked things through with her, at this point it's worth mentioning my partner has a history with cheating (Admittedly she was younger and the partners where not as solid as we are) and this prays on my mind. This is something she openly admitted before we got together.

I explained it was not her I did not trust, It's the boys that she seems so intent with being friends with (And I appreciate this could come across as me doubting her judgement - but as mentioned below she is very naive and after she's had a drink I fear she may be taken advantage of by these "Friends")

 

The largest issue for me is she comes across very innocent, and often is very Naive, she loves to drink and she loves to dance (Something that she grew out of since we started dating, alot of her friends say we have both changed for the better)

 

Since leaving college she has always chased the specific profession she is interested in, and while unsuccessful has never given up applying. Recently she landed a part time job in a supermarket with people of her own age, a significant number of these being males. She has always gotten on with boys better then girls, she say's they are less bitchy - But this is the first time they have been from her own age group.

 

The argument had made it's mark on our relationship being our first "Big one" but I feel we recovered and moved past it. She has made a new female friend at work which she seems to be close to, they talk regularly and at present spend a lot more time together then we do.

The big argument came when she gave out her personal number to a boy at work, something I said I was uncomfortable with as a phone number is quite personal. This boy is single, and he is very much a boy (Somebody who will push lines regardless of somebodies relationship status) In the last 4 years I've felt no need to check up on her because she has given me no reason to not trust her (At all, we were together every day) but im ashamed to say due to the volume of texts from this boy and a change in her behaviour (She started pin locking her phone and deleting all her texts, something she has never ever done until things started going wrong) I checked her phone. A text had came from him asking her if she fancied "spooning" and seemingly went along with it, This angered me to the point where I had to remove myself from the situation (I'm very difficult to upset, some might say very emotionless, but I have a rage that once I'm in I do very stupid things) I blew up and we had a long series of arguments over 3 or 4 days, the girl I knew wouldn't even entertain a boy like this let along give him her number and (as I see it of course) flirt.

 

We are now spending time apart, Only seeing her on sundays - She says this is so she can figure out who she is. However I really get the impression she is happy (Where as spending the time apart for me is driving me mad, I'm filling my time with friends and things I accumulated over the years we where together but I always have this feeling in my mind it's not what I want to be doing - everything feels like second option)

 

The time we are spending together things are not the same, her general behaviour and attitude is slowly changing, her interests are changing (She now seems to be back into popular party girl mode, something she was before me and her met)

 

The bottom line is I believe this to be a phase, however she seems genuinely happy with how things are for her - she has space, she has friends and all she wants to do is have fun. Fair enough she is young, but this is never what we had planned as a couple.

 

My biggest fear is she is going to get caught up in this "Persona" she has generated at work (I've been out once with her and her new friends and it was like sitting with a stranger, she is not herself at all) and do something stupid.

 

I appreciate anybody who has been through the same's advice.

Edited August 21, 2012 by Long_Road

[BetrayedH]

The whole damn situation is one ginormous red flag.

 

I'm sorry to say it but she is changing and for the worse. This is how it starts. I somewhat converted my wife from a bad girl into my wife. But she returned to those ways in a very subtle fashion. You can't stop them. You can't change them.

 

She's not mature enough to be in a committed relationship. You should let her go. If you don't, you're inviting more heartbreak into your life.

 

Sorry for the spot you're in. She'll keep you there as a back-up plan to her fun times until you stop her or she leaves.

[Untouchable_Fire]

The bottom line is I believe this to be a phase, however she seems genuinely happy with how things are for her - she has space, she has friends and all she wants to do is have fun. Fair enough she is young, but this is never what we had planned as a couple.

My biggest fear is she is going to get caught up in this "Persona" she has generated at work (I've been out once with her and her new friends and it was like sitting with a stranger, she is not herself at all) and do something stupid.

I appreciate anybody who has been through the same's advice.

 

No... that cheating party girl is who she is inside. Telling yourself different is stupid.

 

Just dump her and move on. She is toxic.

[nofool4u]

No... that cheating party girl is who she is inside. Telling yourself different is stupid.

 

Just dump her and move on. She is toxic.

 

^^ bumped for truth

[Long_Road]

To update this, I tried to talk to her about the changes and it led to an argument. We spent time apart and she said she enjoyed the time away from me, after the argument I went by her house to drop of a teddy to try and patch things up and she had ripped everything down, photos and all. It was heart breaking. We broke up the following day.

 

This was 3 weeks ago now, still feeling dead inside

 

However my friends have noticed her behaviour on social networking sites and it was as expected and what I feared when I was with her. Going out getting drunk every weekend, making inappropriate comments and general visage of happiness.

 

Hopefully the pain will fade in time, to say im a broken man would be putting it lightly.

[Chi townD]

Time to move on dude. She's into the immature party phase and dangerous behavors that will probably end up giving her a gift that will keep on giving and you don't need that in your life.

 

Go NC, tell your friends that you never want to hear her name mentioned in front of you. If they ARE your friends; then, they'll respect your wishes.

 

Start making positive changes in your life. Go out and get a new hairstyle and buy a new wardrobe. This will help your self esteem. Go back to school so you can earn a degree or get a higher degree for a better job and better pay. Go to the gym and run your ass off on the treadmill and push weight. This will help with your frustrations and stress. Pick up new hobbies and TRAVEL!!!! Go see the world! Meet new and interesting people!

[karnak]

People can change clothes, house, spouses, foods, cars, pets, even gender.

 

But no-one can change one's core nature and personality. We are born, live and die with the same character.

[Long_Road]

I've already started making changes to my life, a hair cut and a new set of clothes was first on my list luckily. Career wise im lucky in the regard I have a nicely paid job that I like.

 

I'm spending alot more time with friends now and even planning a trip away (Amsterdam for Qlimax 2012!) which is something out of my comfort zone.

 

On the face of it I seem ok, however deep down inside I hold onto the person before she changed, it's sad to think somebody you put so much trust in and without a shadow of a doubt loved, could change in a split second - It makes me think is it even worth finding somebody, to have to go through all this again.

[todreaminblue]

Hi, all

 

This my first post on here so forgive me if I'm a little behind on acronyms/forum trends, also please bear with me on this post as this is quite a read - but appreciate anybody who takes the time to read what I have to say.

 

In short we are both 22, and have been together 4 years. However the one thing she has had missing in our time together is a solid friendship, her friends always seem to disappear or let her down and they inevitably fall out.

 

I work as an IT professional and as such work office hours, and while she was at college/working in retail she too worked similar hours to myself, so once work was over we would be together. This unfortunately meant I blind sighted almost all of my friends, groups drifted apart and good friends grew distant (Something that has become now painfully obvious and I'm trying to rectify)

 

Now she has family who lives away, and now and then she will visit for a week to see people. I did not hear from her much while she was away, but I overheard from a family member that she got "Completely wasted" on friday night - when I asked her what she had done the time she was away she neglected to mention this at all. She spent the entire weekend with family and a large group of boys who are around our age and some younger. She admitted she did not tell me because she thought it would upset me.

 

This worried me, she tells me everything and we as a couple never drink, sure we may go out new years eve and perhaps once or twice a year with friends - but we always go together and she always refused to get drunk around me because she said "She act's like a complete ****" Completely out of character.

 

Once she got back, I'll admit I was lonely from being on my own for a week and a little upset with the lack of communication (This was before I found out about the whole being drunk thing) Once I found out about friday I snapped and said something I unfortunately couldn't take back "I don't trust you"

Neither of us could sleep, eat or think - After a day I went over and talked things through with her, at this point it's worth mentioning my partner has a history with cheating (Admittedly she was younger and the partners where not as solid as we are) and this prays on my mind. This is something she openly admitted before we got together.

I explained it was not her I did not trust, It's the boys that she seems so intent with being friends with (And I appreciate this could come across as me doubting her judgement - but as mentioned below she is very naive and after she's had a drink I fear she may be taken advantage of by these "Friends")

 

The largest issue for me is she comes across very innocent, and often is very Naive, she loves to drink and she loves to dance (Something that she grew out of since we started dating, alot of her friends say we have both changed for the better)

 

Since leaving college she has always chased the specific profession she is interested in, and while unsuccessful has never given up applying. Recently she landed a part time job in a supermarket with people of her own age, a significant number of these being males. She has always gotten on with boys better then girls, she say's they are less bitchy - But this is the first time they have been from her own age group.

 

The argument had made it's mark on our relationship being our first "Big one" but I feel we recovered and moved past it. She has made a new female friend at work which she seems to be close to, they talk regularly and at present spend a lot more time together then we do.

The big argument came when she gave out her personal number to a boy at work, something I said I was uncomfortable with as a phone number is quite personal. This boy is single, and he is very much a boy (Somebody who will push lines regardless of somebodies relationship status) In the last 4 years I've felt no need to check up on her because she has given me no reason to not trust her (At all, we were together every day) but im ashamed to say due to the volume of texts from this boy and a change in her behaviour (She started pin locking her phone and deleting all her texts, something she has never ever done until things started going wrong) I checked her phone. A text had came from him asking her if she fancied "spooning" and seemingly went along with it, This angered me to the point where I had to remove myself from the situation (I'm very difficult to upset, some might say very emotionless, but I have a rage that once I'm in I do very stupid things) I blew up and we had a long series of arguments over 3 or 4 days, the girl I knew wouldn't even entertain a boy like this let along give him her number and (as I see it of course) flirt.

 

We are now spending time apart, Only seeing her on sundays - She says this is so she can figure out who she is. However I really get the impression she is happy (Where as spending the time apart for me is driving me mad, I'm filling my time with friends and things I accumulated over the years we where together but I always have this feeling in my mind it's not what I want to be doing - everything feels like second option)

 

The time we are spending together things are not the same, her general behaviour and attitude is slowly changing, her interests are changing (She now seems to be back into popular party girl mode, something she was before me and her met)

 

The bottom line is I believe this to be a phase, however she seems genuinely happy with how things are for her - she has space, she has friends and all she wants to do is have fun. Fair enough she is young, but this is never what we had planned as a couple.

 

My biggest fear is she is going to get caught up in this "Persona" she has generated at work (I've been out once with her and her new friends and it was like sitting with a stranger, she is not herself at all) and do something stupid.

 

I appreciate anybody who has been through the same's advice.

 

 

My body and alcohol parted company a long time ago I make really bad decisions with alcohol i am not in control and i make poor judgments which i would not make if i wasn't drinking......the affectionate side of me comes out when it shouldn't and i got myself into some cringe worthy experiences.....i decided not to drink did my own program twelve steps serenity prayer.... and when situations arise i can handle them appropriately without the effects of alcohol and quickly too, no hesitation. your girlfriend has a problem with alcohol as most people do if they refer to getting wasted....

 

 

i used to call it paraletic more than wasted....paralysed in the brain walking dancing girl ......all i heard in my head was lalalalalalalalalalalalalala......you can dance quite well to that with a bass beat.....just cant think or make decisions very well......

 

 

as far as the work situation goes and the guys taking phone numbers that's not what you do in a committed relationship i get along with guys better than girls most of the time but if i was in a committed relationship i would limit that friendship with a guy to one(the partner)....i would be there for others would not actively seek to hang out with them now and again yes....i am not a mixer at parties used to be gave it up years ago....i prefer to have one or two close friends so i can concentrate on them.....its all about structure for me....

everybody makes mistakes in their life and when you enter a relationship that is good and positive you nurture it with respect and putting yourself in the others shoes......so......talk to your girlfriend she isnt being fair on you or the relationship that you share she is doing damage to your trust in her and that is a keystone to a relationships success and the balance is love shared......good luck you sound like a nice guy who is deserving of the same back.....deb

[Long_Road]

My body and alcohol parted company a long time ago I make really bad decisions with alcohol i am not in control and i make poor judgments which i would not make if i wasn't drinking......the affectionate side of me comes out when it shouldn't and i got myself into some cringe worthy experiences.....i decided not to drink did my own program twelve steps serenity prayer.... and when situations arise i can handle them appropriately without the effects of alcohol and quickly too, no hesitation. your girlfriend has a problem with alcohol as most people do if they refer to getting wasted....

 

 

i used to call it paraletic more than wasted....paralysed in the brain walking dancing girl ......all i heard in my head was lalalalalalalalalalalalalala......you can dance quite well to that with a bass beat.....just cant think or make decisions very well......

 

 

as far as the work situation goes and the guys taking phone numbers that's not what you do in a committed relationship i get along with guys better than girls most of the time but if i was in a committed relationship i would limit that friendship with a guy to one(the partner)....i would be there for others would not actively seek to hang out with them now and again yes....i am not a mixer at parties used to be gave it up years ago....i prefer to have one or two close friends so i can concentrate on them.....its all about structure for me....

everybody makes mistakes in their life and when you enter a relationship that is good and positive you nurture it with respect and putting yourself in the others shoes......so......talk to your girlfriend she isnt being fair on you or the relationship that you share she is doing damage to your trust in her and that is a keystone to a relationships success and the balance is love shared......good luck you sound like a nice guy who is deserving of the same back.....deb

 

I'm much the same in regard's to alcohol, to me it's a social catalyst and should only be used as such - when I was in the relationship I didn't need it.

The last 4 year's I was with her I've not once set out to make conversation with another woman or even thought "Oh she's quite nice, if only I wasn't..."

 

I had female friends I made while at college that perhaps in due time, I may have seeked out a relationship with - but I severed those ties when I entered the relationship.

I fell, and I fell far with this girl, and I feel she did too - however for whatever reason, be it unfaithfulness or "Grass is greener on the other side syndrome" a change occurred within her, and it was one not open to discussion or reasoning, something I've never seen in her.

 

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you ? Alot of my friends think I'm incredibly naive in thinking you can fall in love so early in life, personally I believe there are two types in life, people like my friends who just want to drift in and out of peoples lives for that 15 minutes of fun or people like myself who really just want's to find somebody to share life with.

Edited September 19, 2012 by Long_Road