shootingstar77 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Hello everyone! I am having a hard time wrapping my head around a few things and need some opinions. Background story: I've been with my boyfriend for two years, things have been great, no major complaints. A few months ago he asked me to move in and I was so excited and we discussed that we both felt it would be a great move for our relationship. I have always known that he's had a lot of girl friends and while I'll admit I'm a jealous girl, I never felt I had to worry about it....until recently. One day, I decided to go through his phone.....something I never have done before. I honestly don't know what made me do it...but I was in for a shock. He was texting three girls. Two of which are his FB friends, one appears to be a long time friend. Okay no worries there...except that he was making up stories, trying to make his life seem more exciting than it is. (He told the one girl he was taking his boat out for the day.....he doesn't have a boat!) I thought that was odd...but whatever. The last girl he was texting, he asked her to send him a picture of herself...which she did. To which he replied "cutie" My heart sank! I tried to brush it off, but later that night we discussed my insecurities. I didn't admit that I checked his phone, but he reminded me that he wants to move our relationship forward and he would have never asked me to move in if he wanted out. He also reminded me that his phone doesn't have a lock so he's not really hiding anything. Although I still felt this was all really weird, I moved on from it. Until last week...... I checked it again. This time to my surprise there was a new girl. This one was a lot more intense. He initiated the texts and then one of them asked the other what they were looking for. She said Relationship, he said friends, but they should hang out. The texts gave me the impression that they may have met online, so I did a little research. I came accross a profile that did not have a picture but sounded just like him....a little too much. The suffix of the user ID was very similar to what his profile was when we met two years ago. I needless to say was very upset. The profile did say he's looking for friends, not looking to date, but he was single. **side note this happened when we first met as well, we were a month in and the dating profile was still active...I called him out on it...it was done, we moved on with our lives.** Later that night I confronted him, admitted I checked his phone and of course he said the girls were "just old friends" and then we went through the text with this last girl, and then he showed me his private FB messages. He tried telling me the girl was someone from FB that he was texting/messaging. (I didn't buy it...it just seemed really off). He agreed that he could see why I would feel that he was flirting and crossing the line w/ these other girls, and he did apologize. The conversation went better than expected, he didn't admit anything and he denied the profile was him....I just expected an actual fight rather than a conversation which we had. I explained that I've been there...done that and I don't have time for BS! If he wants to break up then just do it! He said that wasn't the case and again he wouldn't have asked me to move in. One major standout to me was that he feels we are on different pages as far as our future. He said he wants to get married to me, but he thinks I want it sooner than I do. (which I can agree, but I will be patient because I want to make sure the time is right!) My sister said maybe he's just freaked out about the realisticness of our future. He is younger than me, just by a few years, athough that's no excuse! I've checked the profile since the conversation and it is still there, just not being used. I also checked his phone and the last I saw was he was telling his (male) friend a story about what he was up to that night. He was at home, but told his friend he was out of town. (I was not at home with him nor did I expect him to stay home and wait for me that night...but I know for a FACT he was in the area/at home). I'm just sooo confused! I want to believe that I am his one and only....he really does act as if I am...nothing has changed in our relationship, except for the adjusting to living together, which was not hard. Part of me thinks this is just an ego thing,especially because of the stories, but the other part of me thinks maybe he's up to no good. Although I'd be crushed, I'd rather him tell me the truth and us move on with our lives if he doesn't want to be with me. Like I said, I've been there...done that. I don't deserve games and I hate that now I feel like I can't trust him. We both work crazy hours and I know he has very limited time to go out behind my back. He's a very straight forward guy, and he even said "if I wanted to be done, I'd just end it" (Which from what he's told me of his past is very true) We've also discussed that I need to be more open with my feelings and not let them build up, so I feel like I should discuss how hurt I really am now that more time has passed, but I don't want to reopen the wound. I'm trying to make things as normal as can be, but it's hard when my heart hurts.
YellowShark Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Ok. Don't move in just yet and give it another 6 months. My 2 cents. Why? Because to me - (a total unbiased outsider) - it just doesn't pass the smell test. Something is definitely off. What I see is the beginnings of a serial cheater developing. (him) And you don't want to drop yourself into that kinda emotional blender. So before you make the move do some more due diligence if he is really "the one." 1
salparadise Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 So, he maintains friendships with girls, texts, embellishes what he says to them, asked for a pic, called her "cutie", maybe has a profile online w/o a pic but you can't be sure, a discrepancy in where he told a guy friend he was one night, leaves his phone open, has shown you his FB messages... If he were really up to no good I don't think the phone would be open for you to browse, and I think you'd probably have found more than you did. I think you're putting a lot of pressure on things by checking up on him. Bringing up every little thing and attaching larger meaning to it is going to make you look neurotic. As for him, I'd simply tell him that you are not comfortable with him carrying on with and texting other women, and that his doing so could erode the foundation of your relationship and moves it in the opposite direction from what you both prefer. If he has any sense at all he'll understand and respect that. If not, then you'll have decisions to make.
YellowShark Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 (edited) So, he maintains friendships with girls, texts, embellishes what he says to them, asked for a pic, called her "cutie", maybe has a profile online w/o a pic but you can't be sure, Ok, lets reverse roles. You're about to move in with a girl you love and discover she has many male friends she chats online with.. and texts. She lies about what she is doing, and even asks for the guys pictures, then flirts with them. Would you be comfortable with that surprise? Because he didn't *tell* shootingstar this was going on, she *discovered* it. (It was all going on behind her back.) This is why I feel shootingstar should hit the brakes a bit and not move in right away. She should take time to process this new information which was hidden from her previously. Edited August 21, 2012 by YellowShark 1
skywriter Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I think he's learned how to "delete", text messages now. 1
YellowShark Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I think he's learned how to "delete", text messages now. The reason I say hit the brakes is if I am into a girl the last thing I would be doing is texting and flirting with other women online. My girl is the focus of my attention. So I feel shootingstar needs to see if these girls are legitimate friends, or chicks he's trolled online, or f-buddys.. who knows? Because this is all new to her. So naturally it has created some awkwardness. Once shootingstar figures out the playbook then some boundaries need to be put in place before moving in together. You don't want to be sitting in the living room together watching TV while he's on Stupidbook begging for chicks pictures do we?
Author shootingstar77 Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 Thank you for the responses. I'm actually already living there, have been for almost 2 months now. It did take some time from he time he asked me to the time it actually happened, but that was due to our crazy schedules. I NEVER pushed the issue....he brought it up to me. Of course I'm thinking more about out future now because of us living together, he even has brought up getting married and having kids too. At first I was just living out of my overnight bag and after the first month he made more space for me. This was after the texting was taking place too. He was pushing for me to bring more of my stuff over, which I did just last week. (My family lives right down the street so it was kind of just a gradual move in.) Right now we're on kind of opposite schedules, but most of the time when I come home he is sound asleep, either on the couch or in bed, so at least I know where he's at when I get home. I'm still trying to be cautious, looking for changes in his behavoir, which honestly there haven't been any, thank god but I just feel like I need to protect myself at this point.
YellowShark Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I'm still trying to be cautious, looking for changes in his behavoir, which honestly there haven't been any, thank god but I just feel like I need to protect myself at this point. Ya. Be cautious. Figure out who each of these girls are and what their significance is to your boyfriend. It's not a jealousy thing, it's not a dominance/control thing. You deserve to know. From what I've read you just didn't know any of these girls existed till you looked at his phone recently. Three girls! So don't be naïve. Set a boundary with him that you both agree upon. If he sides with "the girls" and answers with "you're being controlling and jealous" you have your answer.
Author shootingstar77 Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 Thank you, I agree I need to figure out their role in his life. I know it's silly but on FB I'm part of his profile pic and it's very clear we're a couple. He doesn't side with them, he just keeps telling me I Have nothing to worry about...he loves me. My ex on the other hand, did side with the girls he was playing around with. (I think that's where part of my freak out is coming from...which I did expain to the current bf and I do realize I can't compare the two) I guess only time will tell!
YellowShark Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Thank you, I agree I need to figure out their role in his life. I know it's silly but on FB I'm part of his profile pic and it's very clear we're a couple. He doesn't side with them, he just keeps telling me I Have nothing to worry about...he loves me. My ex on the other hand, did side with the girls he was playing around with. (I think that's where part of my freak out is coming from...which I did expain to the current bf and I do realize I can't compare the two) I guess only time will tell! This is why I hate Stupidbook. It brings a whole new set of problems into a relationship that prior to 2006 did not exist. And relationships are hard enough. It's just weird that he's been in touch with 3 other chicks via his phone and on Stupidbook.. and then forgot to ever mention it to you. Good luck.
salparadise Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Ya. Be cautious. Figure out who each of these girls are and what their significance is to your boyfriend. It's not a jealousy thing, it's not a dominance/control thing. You deserve to know. From what I've read you just didn't know any of these girls existed till you looked at his phone recently. Three girls! So don't be naïve. Set a boundary with him that you both agree upon. If he sides with "the girls" and answers with "you're being controlling and jealous" you have your answer. I think she needs to be cautious both ways on this. We really don't know if the guy is just being too much of a social butterfly or if there is a potentially larger problem. There really is nothing to indicate the latter at this point. I assume her objective is to consolidate their situation/relationship rather than find a reason to leave it... and that being the case, she should be careful about overreacting as well. I say Shootingstar should let him know that he has already bumped into her boundary––that she will not be in a relationship with someone who conducts himself in public or online like a single teenager. Then back off and just keep an eye on things to see if he respects her feelings and plays it straight or starts trying to be more secretive. The point is not just to control his behavior, but to give him a chance to show you what he's really made of. Who wants to be attached to someone who only behaves in an acceptable manner as long as they're on a short leash?
Author shootingstar77 Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 I think she needs to be cautious both ways on this. We really don't know if the guy is just being too much of a social butterfly or if there is a potentially larger problem. There really is nothing to indicate the latter at this point. I assume her objective is to consolidate their situation/relationship rather than find a reason to leave it... and that being the case, she should be careful about overreacting as well. Yes, you bring up a very valid point. Overreacting can lead to further distruction, possibly pushing him away even more. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. I knew it in my heart, but sometimes it's best to hear it from someone else. I'm just going to let time run it's course and see how things go. We're actually going out on a date tonight, something we don't get to do very often. And I agree with you as well YellowShark, Stupidbook as you call it does bring nothing but drama to the table. Yet, many of us (myself included at times) but way too much stock into it.....but that's another topic for another thread!
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