sandflea Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Hello fellow travellers Looking for relationship advice! That's me. I met a kind stranger at the beach several weeks ago. Gorgeous, funny, sexy - you know the deal. She and I hit it off pretty much immediately. She's my neighbor's friend from childhood. We ended up making out and sleeping together (no nookie) that night, and she then came back a few days later (4 July) with her son (19). I saw the stars align - Holy Crap! Speechless. OK - she has a trip planned to go to the Bahamas for a week or so - taking her son and his GF of like 4 years. No mention of a dude, but no worries, I mean - we just met, etc. No real expectation at this point, but some pretty good vibes. She gets back the following Weds and txts me to meet up. So, we walk a local trail, then hit her place to put on bathing suits. Grab a bottle of vino, hit the river. Nice. Back to her place. She informs me that my lifestyle just won't do - and we have no future together. Ummm. Now, look - she's 8 months off her second marriage. Trust issues, etc. Still, I'm like. "OK, thanks for your time, and the wine". Hug her, grab my keys, start to leave. She stops me and says "You seem very angry". I say, "I'm just dissapointed, and - by the way, I'm not your Ex". I leave. She texts and apology the next day and we plan to meet up again. We do. We have a blast. Play pool, flirt outrageously, hit like 4 bars, close one down, and get busted making out in her driveway by her son at like 2AM. Nice. A few days go by and we're texting. She wants to meet last Friday. Of course I say yes. An hour before said meeting she blows me off. Let's me know that not only is she too busy, but she has yoga all weekend - oh, and she's out of town all this week. Sorry. Look. I know we all have to walk the line at times, but this one really threw me. Sure, maybe she really is too busy to see me - but she couldn't meet me for like 5 minutes and fall on her sword in person? I mean, I was notified with a text message. A TEXT MESSAGE!! This is beyond any dating 101 etiquette folly. I'm actually still pissed! (Hence my post today). I replied that it kinda sucks when you really start to like someone and they don't even have time to blow you off with a phone call. I know, kinda bitchy, but that kinda crap just doesn't fly - I don't care how much you have going on. Pick up the goddamned phone! So, what say ye LS - give her another shot, or lick my wounds and move on down the road. (This is assuming that I'm willing to sacrifice any dignity I have left). Thanks for your sage advice. SF
carhill Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 The 'sleeping together with no nookie' is your canary. The road can be an interesting place.
Author sandflea Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 Ahh, yes. So true. But we had just met that day, so I wasn't too surprised. At this point it's about a 7 week investment into thin air. Sigh.
Emilia Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 She informs me that my lifestyle just won't do - and we have no future together. You should have stopped at this point. It doesn't sound like she wants to be pursued.
Author sandflea Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 You should have stopped at this point. It doesn't sound like she wants to be pursued. I did. She apologized and asked me out the next day. The issue I have is this: Don't ask me out and then blow me off. Of course, she ever referenced out loud "How to lose a guy in 10 days". Lolz. I'm living in a stupid romantic comedy...
carhill Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 8 months off her second marriage would be key. This is the 'crazy period'. When I hear that, Forest Gump runs like the wind. I actually did, at a wedding a few weeks ago, except the lady was the daughter of a friend and she was about a year separated. Other than a polite hug at the beginning of the event, I attended to other guests and issues. I'm sure she dragged some guy off to the beach (the wedding was on the beach).
Emilia Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I did. She apologized and asked me out the next day. The issue I have is this: Don't ask me out and then blow me off. Of course, she ever referenced out loud "How to lose a guy in 10 days". Lolz. I'm living in a stupid romantic comedy... So how did this turn into 7 weeks? Where are the gaps? It all seems to have happened within a couple of weeks
Author sandflea Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 8 months off her second marriage would be key. This is the 'crazy period'. When I hear that, Forest Gump runs like the wind. I actually did, at a wedding a few weeks ago, except the lady was the daughter of a friend and she was about a year separated. Other than a polite hug at the beginning of the event, I attended to other guests and issues. I'm sure she dragged some guy off to the beach (the wedding was on the beach). Yeah - I was like that as well. I'm 7 years out of a 10 year marriage. Feeling good and such. I date on and off, but I'm in my mid 40s and meeting compatible people amongst the walking wounded is always a challenge. I don't mean to make light of it. You're right - it's probably too soon for her, and she's still pretty jaggy. That's what I was thinking too - I just hoped for a little more. Sigh. My timing sucks. Actually, it's her's that sucks. You can't rush the Universe...
Author sandflea Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 So how did this turn into 7 weeks? Where are the gaps? It all seems to have happened within a couple of weeks Well, we met at the end of June, she was out of town for 10 days in the bahamas in mid July - We hooked up 10 days ago. I was blown off last Friday. We're both pretty busy professionals and we both were travelling in the interrum. Still, you're right - not nearly enough heat in the timeframe.
Emilia Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Still, you're right - not nearly enough heat in the timeframe. Shame. You are obviously looking for the right lady. Shame it couldn't be this one
Author sandflea Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 Shame. You are obviously looking for the right lady. Shame it couldn't be this one I know. My takeaway is that I DID hook up with a very lovely person, albeit only for a while - too short, of course. But we did share a little passion - and that is something. The chase is the fun part anyway...
Emilia Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 The chase is the fun part anyway... This is what I was alluding to earlier. As long as this is how you view dating, you will not find happiness
Author sandflea Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 So - back to my original question. If said woman should return from Washington DC and request to see me - what would you do? Have lunch, agree that we don't have a future but it's nice to be friends. Shun her and burn her effigy on Easter. Give her another shot at a great guy. *Stop living in a dream World is not an option...
Author sandflea Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 This is what I was alluding to earlier. As long as this is how you view dating, you will not find happiness I disagree! Ever seen The Graduate? Getting the girl is the fun part, figuring out what to do once you're in is the work. Oracle posted that Desire and Possession are mutually exclusive. I think this is pretty much true. That's the work of relationships - keeping the fire burning. Continuing to admire your partner - even when confronted with their human imperfections and base nature. Trusting them. Loving to Love.
Emilia Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 So - back to my original question. If said woman should return from Washington DC and request to see me - what would you do? Have lunch, agree that we don't have a future but it's nice to be friends. Shun her and burn her effigy on Easter. Give her another shot at a great guy. *Stop living in a dream World is not an option... If I met someone at a beach and we had a great time, I would watch what effort that person was making to get to know me and keep in contact (considering there were holidays planned). If that was zero or very little, I would move on. It would take me max 2 weeks to make up my mind.
Author sandflea Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 If I met someone at a beach and we had a great time, I would watch what effort that person was making to get to know me and keep in contact (considering there were holidays planned). If that was zero or very little, I would move on. It would take me max 2 weeks to make up my mind. So, two weeks. Hmm. OK - it's been 4 days. I can live with that. I keep reminding myself that this person is still very much a wounded soul. I remember the feeling. So angry and hurt. The last thing I want to do is to make it worse. But I'm not making any more excuses for anyone.
Emilia Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 So, two weeks. Hmm. OK - it's been 4 days. I can live with that. I keep reminding myself that this person is still very much a wounded soul. I remember the feeling. So angry and hurt. The last thing I want to do is to make it worse. But I'm not making any more excuses for anyone. No, 2 weeks from first meeting. Who cares whether she is wounded? You are not some kind of psychiatrist
Author sandflea Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 No, 2 weeks from first meeting. Who cares whether she is wounded? You are not some kind of psychiatrist Ouch. Sometimes I feel like one. Jeez. Dating in your 40s sucks. 1
Emilia Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Ouch. Sometimes I feel like one. Jeez. Dating in your 40s sucks. It does. I'm 40 and I know. You can't go around trying to save people though, the advantage of this age group is that everyone is an adult. You should never go around upsetting anyone on purpose but at the same time, no-one can expect you to be their saviour, partly because that doesn't work. They have to want to save themselves. 2
Author sandflea Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 It does. I'm 40 and I know. You can't go around trying to save people though, the advantage of this age group is that everyone is an adult. You should never go around upsetting anyone on purpose but at the same time, no-one can expect you to be their saviour, partly because that doesn't work. They have to want to save themselves. So true. It's like trying to make someone happy. We all have that responsibility ourselves. And, yes, I've probably been doing some projecting. I lived it, and I know it gets better. Just takes time. I guess my dissapointment comes from the fact that I really felt something this time. And I did my best.
Emilia Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 This is why you mustn't invest too much too early. It happens to everyone, especially when we meet someone that gets under our skin for some reason. You were probably attracted to her vulnerability.
carhill Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 So - back to my original question. If said woman should return from Washington DC and request to see me - what would you do? If she had previously told me she didn't care for my lifestyle and saw no future for us together, I would not have even gotten that request simply because she'd have been erased. I have done this, many times, because I historically attracted people in their 'crazy' period, just plain crazy, or married. Enough experience and a few broken hearts (mine) taught some good life lessons. YMMV, but a woman doesn't get a second chance after uttering such negative things in my presence. 2
Emilia Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 YMMV, but a woman doesn't get a second chance after uttering such negative things in my presence. I think that's fair. I have taken offence for less
Author sandflea Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 This is why you mustn't invest too much too early. It happens to everyone, especially when we meet someone that gets under our skin for some reason. You were probably attracted to her vulnerability. Perhaps. Who knows. She's not exactly hard to look at. Thanks for the advice. I have to continue to focus on my center, and reminding myself that I have a great life! 1
Author sandflea Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 If she had previously told me she didn't care for my lifestyle and saw no future for us together, I would not have even gotten that request simply because she'd have been erased. I have done this, many times, because I historically attracted people in their 'crazy' period, just plain crazy, or married. Enough experience and a few broken hearts (mine) taught some good life lessons. YMMV, but a woman doesn't get a second chance after uttering such negative things in my presence. Yeah - I've been making excuses for her. That's not right. We're all adults here...
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