Karlos212 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Hi guys & girls, I'm sure there is a numerous amount of people in the same situation or similiar. But, everything is different , in every situation. So, here's my dilemma. I've been with my girlfriend for 2 1/2 years, well now my ex girlfriend. About 6 months ago we returned back from Australia after spending 2 months with my family and to show off my soon to be fiancee. I was actually looking to propose at the end of the year. Around 2 months ago I dropped the bombshell on her that I cheated on her at the start of our relationship with a girl who stayed the weekend with me. I knew her from the past but had no connection with her other than a friendship. My girlfriend is Christian and we dated for a long time before we made anything official. The major thing for a Christian girl is sex , and we had sex which was such a big deal to her and me because it was the first time together. It means so much to here because she said that ' this is her giving me everything she has and that she really likes me'. The girl that stayed with me was around a month after we had sex for the first time, I have no reason for it, no answer as to why it happened, I was taken another girls flirting and fell for it. We kissed and slept in the same bed together, but nothing else happened other than that. My girlfriend was away for a week when this happened and I never told her she was coming to stay with me. Obviously I felt guilt that there was another girl entering the picture, but I knew it was nothing that could get out of hand. The problem is my girlfriend said 'sleeping in the same bed together is just as bad as having sex, because it initiated the idea of it. Over 2 years passed and I knew this was a major mistake and put this out of my mind and concentrated on being as good a boyfriend and friend that I could possibly be. As time passed, I knew she was the one and I was planning an engagment with her....I only saw her as my fiancee and future wife. I'm 24 and she's 25. She had always had problems with me and the amount of friends I had who were girls, this never helped the situation, but I trusted myself enough and that I loved her and learnt from my mistake. But, once I told her I knew that break up was without doubt a huge possibility....but now its a reality. We've been in constant contact since this has happened. But, it's always coming back up. She said she never wanted to break up and never wanted this to happen, but she said it left her with no choice. She's said that she wants me to learn from this and give her space and let her have time. I find this so hard because I'm used to seeing her everyday and having contact with her all the time. She's gone on holiday with her sister to take her mind of things and gain a clearer head----to have a break from one another. We've gone back to church together to find a pathway for us to work this out. But, i think the only thing she needs to sort is her head. If she can't get over it, then there is no hope. TRUST IS EVERYTHING. If she can't trust me again then I don't know what to do. I admit this is a massive lie that I kept from her. Can trust be earned back after something like this? All she has said to me is she doesn't want this to happen and she said ' whats the point of uus both being miserable apart when we can be together and work our issue's out together' At the moment she brings up every single issue we have had with other girls.... 1) meeting my ex for coffee without asking her (4 months into relationship) 2) meeting an old work collegue for lunch while we were dating 3) turning my back to her in conversation while talking to my bestfriend (who is a girl) while we were in australia at my parents place 4) going out after work with work collegue for a few drinks as she was leaving 5) ex girlfriend (when i was 16) 2 week relationship - if you can call it that. She came to town and we all went for coffee and she met her and they seemed to get on alright. I went out after work with 3 of my mates (boys) and the ex. My girlfriend phoned to ask where I was and I said on the way home. I then called her back and said I was out for drinks with 'ex and few mates'. This didn't help any situation 6) after all this has happened she said to me, has there been anyone else. I said no, just this mistake early on. She then asked me 'who was the last person you kissed before me'. I told her it was a girl 4 months before I met her. She then said ' I thought you went on your mates stag and slept with someone'. I said nothing happened ( as in no sex ).....then she said I thought you slept with someone. I said NO, just kissed. She then blew up at me again on the phone and said you said the last girl was 4 months ago, i forgot all about the stag a month later.....she then went on to say that I lied again...... looking back over the things I've done, I can see why she has no trust in me. But brining up all the old things that happened in the 1st year of our relationship is unfair? Maybe not. Anyway, after all this. I'm lost because we both know we want to still be with one another, but she doesn't want to be taken for a mug---in her words. The painful thing is we both know that....I guess what will be will be and life will take it's course. I admit my faults, I have never cheated before in my life. I wish it happened in an old relationship, not the one I was to marry. I don't know if how I'm going about the situation is right, will time and space make her see differently? Do I deserve a chance? Can a mistake be forgiven to show her the true meaning of my feelings for her? Do I just leave it and move on and forget and learn. This is all my fault. She said, if there is anyway to sort this out, we'll find it together. I've been smothering her a little bit, and not giving her much space... I can go on and on. But basically I cheated on her and lied to her and kept it from her for over 2 years.
carhill Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I was taken another girls flirting and fell for it. We kissed and slept in the same bed together, but nothing else happened other than that. TBH, IMO, after two years of healthy love and relationship building, this was something best left in the past. Now that it's out there, acceptance is key. What was the result of your religious counseling experience? Have you considered secular counseling? If yes, what was her response? I would suggest, since you apparently are of faith, to continue getting counseling alone and give her time and space to process this. You made the choice to be with the other girl way back then. You chose to keep that to yourself. You chose to reveal it now. Do some processing of your own with the help of a neutral third party. Good luck.
Author Karlos212 Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 I was taken another girls flirting and fell for it. We kissed and slept in the same bed together, but nothing else happened other than that. TBH, IMO, after two years of healthy love and relationship building, this was something best left in the past. Now that it's out there, acceptance is key. What was the result of your religious counseling experience? Have you considered secular counseling? If yes, what was her response? I would suggest, since you apparently are of faith, to continue getting counseling alone and give her time and space to process this. You made the choice to be with the other girl way back then. You chose to keep that to yourself. You chose to reveal it now. Do some processing of your own with the help of a neutral third party. Good luck. Thank you for your reply. I feel like a terrible person, as this is not me. I love this girl with all my heart and have no question for me feelings for her as its grown so strong. My family and friends told me to let sleeping dogs lie and put it to the past, why wreck something so good. I wanted to be honest, I couldn't have this come up when we were engaged. It was unfair of me to keep it from her for so long. I though it would be best to hear it from me so we could move on together, people would argue that I should've told her at the time....but i didnt. Unfair of me. I've always been of faith, but more deeply in the last 3 months and turning back to this for help and comfort for my own sanity, and it's something we found helpful together. I have foudn help through my close friends and therapy with the help of my pastor. But, something in me is always telling me that she will see more of this, and come back. Why is my body and heart telling me that we are to be together and it will work out? I shouldn;t be thinking this way? I mentioned to her to come and see our local pastor with me and have a chat together and see how we could progress this, but she didn't think this was best right now. Mayeb I should ask her again later on.....?
Drseussgrrl Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Dude. She is making a VERY huge mountain out of a molehill. For her to say it's the same thing as having sex is ridiculous. And, you manned up and admitted it to her. She's got to give you props for that at least. The other things that you mentioned in your post about meeting up with folks for coffee and drinks should be a non-issue. Sorry but she sounds really immature and somewhat controlling.
Author Karlos212 Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 Dude. She is making a VERY huge mountain out of a molehill. For her to say it's the same thing as having sex is ridiculous. And, you manned up and admitted it to her. She's got to give you props for that at least. The other things that you mentioned in your post about meeting up with folks for coffee and drinks should be a non-issue. Sorry but she sounds really immature and somewhat controlling. Maybe so. But, I know the line I crossed. Question is will she throw away everything for something that happened two years ago. I've considering laying down all my cards and going ahead with my proposal, but that could just cause more heartache and be looked as very wrong. I don't know what other options I have left? Just leave her alone and leave everything?
Author Karlos212 Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 It's good that you realize this. Regardless of what the rest of us think if she is being fair, overreacting or not... doesn't matter. What matters is what she is comfortable with and what her "deal breakers" are. We all have our own personal "deal breakers" and whatever those may be, they still are what they are. Doesn't matter how small or how petty they might sound / be. Cheating happens to be a "deal breaker" for a lot of people. Regardless if you come clean or not or how long ago it was. From the sound / look of things, it would seem that this is a "deal breaker" for her. As you are aware, she didn't create this problem... you did. If you ask me, it's this line of thinking that led you into this situation to begin with. You do not see it now or then as a big deal. You also didn't have a problem keeping the fact you cheated on her for two years. You betrayed her trust by cheating in the first place and then betrayed you betrayed her trust by not telling her about what you did after it happened. If I was her, you would be out. No "ifs", "ands" or "buts". How about you respect her wishes and give her the time an opportunity to work through all of this? By finally admitting what you did two years later, you were able to relieve yourself of all of your guilt you were carrying. So you washed your hands of that she is dealing with the ultimate betrayal and it being kept from her for two years... can you not get beyond yourself and what you want? YES! Let her process and come to terms with what YOU did. If you ask me, with a women like that... I wouldn't hold out much hope of her coming back or ever seeing you the way she once did. Thanks for the reply mate. I do know I crossed the line, but since the break up we have been chatting alot. Currently she is on holiday with her sister to try and get a break from all of this and her work. She said the stress was sending her insane. The problem is here that I know in my heart that she doesn't want it to end and nor do I. But, she said that the basis of a relationship is trust. If there is no trust, then the base of the relationship is not there. Yes, there are deal breakers, and this is a deal breaker for her. I'm not trying to wash my hands with the guilt and put all this on her. I just need a chance to show her what she means to me and the true me , and not this person that took her trust all that time ago. I'm not trying to be selfish , I just want her to know how I feel and I want to know how she feels and that I'll always be there for her. She said to me that if I go with another girl while she is away, or anyone while she has the time and space from me, then it's 100% over. Is that her testing me or telling me that behave yourself and don't do anything stupid and you still have a chance at this? People say that writing letters, and emails and all this stuff will help. I don't think it will. I've thought about writing one, but I've said all this stuff and whatever I say or do now will not be good enough. I guess the saying of , if its meant to be then it will be....... I guess with some girls you only get one chance, and if you abuse it, even in early days. My friends have said just give her time to come around and see what it's like without you.
Author Karlos212 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 She's been overseas for 4 days now and it has drove me to insanity because I can't see her. Would contacting one of her close friends who knows the whole situation be a bad move? Do you think a second chance is a complete joke in this situation?
lovehurts82 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I agree very firmly with Gibson on the points that they have raised. And.. I have to say, I wouldn't call it a mountain out of a molehill.. considering from the sounds of it, the girl had given up her virginity in that bed just a month prior. I would have felt seriously betrayed by that as well. Even more so if it was kept a secret for two years. I'm sure she probably brought up those other instances of you going out with other girls being around because your revelation made her second-guess your interactions with other girls after that and throughout the relationship. Our minds tend to start jumping to conclusions and rethinking back on all kinds of things when we are hurt or start feeling betrayed. I would say if you have a chance at all.. LEAVE HER ALONE. I wouldn't call her, text her, IM her, Facebook.. or have ANY contact with her at all. If she's on a trip, let the poor girl try and enjoy it without having constant reminders of the turmoil that she's trying to get away from for a while. Whether or not she comes back is dependent on her being able to sort through all the emotions that this has apparently stirred and whether or not she can trust you again. If she can't trust you to honor her wishes and give her time and space without you getting ahold of her friends to try and get information, then how's she going to trust you back in a relationship. I hate to say it, but you've kind of made your bed in this one, so now you have to lie in it. Wait and see what the consequences are.. she might come around.. she might not. In the meantime, if you're wanting to seek counseling, get counseling. Work on yourself and don't push her to do anything. Let her do it in her own time. The ball's in her court now.
Author Karlos212 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 I agree very firmly with Gibson on the points that they have raised. And.. I have to say, I wouldn't call it a mountain out of a molehill.. considering from the sounds of it, the girl had given up her virginity in that bed just a month prior. I would have felt seriously betrayed by that as well. Even more so if it was kept a secret for two years. I'm sure she probably brought up those other instances of you going out with other girls being around because your revelation made her second-guess your interactions with other girls after that and throughout the relationship. Our minds tend to start jumping to conclusions and rethinking back on all kinds of things when we are hurt or start feeling betrayed. I would say if you have a chance at all.. LEAVE HER ALONE. I wouldn't call her, text her, IM her, Facebook.. or have ANY contact with her at all. If she's on a trip, let the poor girl try and enjoy it without having constant reminders of the turmoil that she's trying to get away from for a while. Whether or not she comes back is dependent on her being able to sort through all the emotions that this has apparently stirred and whether or not she can trust you again. If she can't trust you to honor her wishes and give her time and space without you getting ahold of her friends to try and get information, then how's she going to trust you back in a relationship. I hate to say it, but you've kind of made your bed in this one, so now you have to lie in it. Wait and see what the consequences are.. she might come around.. she might not. In the meantime, if you're wanting to seek counseling, get counseling. Work on yourself and don't push her to do anything. Let her do it in her own time. The ball's in her court now. Thanks for your reply. It's been going on like this for over 2 months now...nearly 3. This wasn't her virginity, but sleeping with someone is a huge deal to her. I mean massive.....maybe I didn't take that into enough consideration... It sounds like most people's opinions are the same. The damage is done and no matter what I say or do will change this.
Author Karlos212 Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 I'm considering putting all eggs in one basket and laying everything on the table! Get everything out and then if that's not enough leave it. If I put it all on the table then at least I know I've said everything and put it all out there!
Author Karlos212 Posted August 29, 2012 Author Posted August 29, 2012 I was considering a proposal. But, decided against it. I don't think she would appreciate it when she already knows how I feel about her and how sorry that we are in this situation. She phoned me as soon as she got back from holiday and said she missed me alot and that some guys tried to hit on her but she replied with ' I have a boyfriend'...... I stayed with her last night and the night previous and I can tell there is still alot of feelings there for one another and both looking to work this out. But do I take this as a passing flirtation, or a true act on her part to want to fix things.....She said that she is confused and not sure she's making the right decision because she wants to make it work. Answers?
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