my confidence hurts the most

[Coffee20]

and it haunts me every day, I still hear his hurtful sentences in my head...

today I was out and I couldn't stop thinking about why he didn't want to sleep with me at all, I came to many conclusions but I don't know which one is true but I definitely felt and still feel very unattractive

I have put so much energy in thinking about it, what everything I should change on myself, how bad I look, how bad is my personality, how boring I am, how stupid my hobbies are, how cruel I am.....sometimes I can't do things I used to love before cause in my head is something like "oh it is so boring" or "oh it's so stupid"

I am sometimes very angry with myself, I could hurt him too and put him down too, But I always made him feel like he was the most beautiful man on this earth

[The Tallest One]

Coffee20, please don't beat yourself up over him! I know how you feel, my ex gf dumped me and for a long time I kept comparing my life to hers. She has things I have lost ie., a house, money, nice things. When her marriage ended she came out ahead but when mine ended it devestated my finances and current lifestyle.

 

Its the rejection that causes this. We think that if we were this way or that way, they would still be with us, but that's not fair of ourselves to do this. We have to always remember to love ourselves and never change for anyone. If they don't accept us for who we are, then the hell with them!

[jmjacobs31]

This sounds exactly how I am feeling. I have no confidence left, zero self esteem... Nothing.. I feel boring, ugly and just plain blah! I feel like somone else Will over love me or that I Will never love another. It all hurts so bad. I was never like this before. Its awful.

[esteem-jam]

...sometimes I can't do things I used to love...

I think doing the things you love is the key ingredient. Sure not all people will like what you do, but be true to yourself. Someone will come along and find it amazing and interesting. But he/she/they wont come along if you dont do it.

 

Again, this may be the case of *I must do what other people like so that they like me*.

Of course, swimming against the current aint easy. But you cant bend to everyones liking, you lose yourself. There will come somebody with whom you wont have to bend - or WILL, sexually intended pun joke ;p

 

I remember with this crush I had to "soften" my jokes. Then I knew this other girl and she used to say f*ck what too many times... I thought to point it out to her that its alright if I say it, but for a girl no... but this showed me the conversation was really unpressed and I got a strange feeling - oh, it can be this way also, where I dont have to worry what I said or did, non-judgemental.

[Coffee20]

Coffee20, please don't beat yourself up over him! I know how you feel, my ex gf dumped me and for a long time I kept comparing my life to hers. She has things I have lost ie., a house, money, nice things. When her marriage ended she came out ahead but when mine ended it devestated my finances and current lifestyle.

 

Its the rejection that causes this. We think that if we were this way or that way, they would still be with us, but that's not fair of ourselves to do this. We have to always remember to love ourselves and never change for anyone. If they don't accept us for who we are, then the hell with them!

 

I do the same as you did, I am still like, oh he was so bad to me but he behaves so differently to other girls who he finds pretty. So if I look like she and she he would be more kind to me and he would have sex with me. Or if I was more extroverted or had different hobbies (like partying) then he would introduce me to his friends... and it continues over and over in my head.

I changed a lot for him and gave up myself for him and it was a mistake a mistake, god I am so silly.

[kindest]

Don't let him ruin you.

 

I know it sucks to be rejected and it is a real blow to our self-esteem but we need to fight back and not let our thoughts put us down.

 

If it helps you might want to change something about your looks, shop for new clothes, get a new hairstyle, get a facial, anything that will make you feel good about yourself.

[CopingGal]

and it haunts me every day, I still hear his hurtful sentences in my head...

today I was out and I couldn't stop thinking about why he didn't want to sleep with me at all, I came to many conclusions but I don't know which one is true but I definitely felt and still feel very unattractive

I have put so much energy in thinking about it, what everything I should change on myself, how bad I look, how bad is my personality, how boring I am, how stupid my hobbies are, how cruel I am.....sometimes I can't do things I used to love before cause in my head is something like "oh it is so boring" or "oh it's so stupid"

I am sometimes very angry with myself, I could hurt him too and put him down too, But I always made him feel like he was the most beautiful man on this earth

 

 

You be who you are. Do your hobbies. Do things your like. Who cares what he thinks? He's just some bastard you had to unfortunately experience of dating.

[geegirl]

and it haunts me every day, I still hear his hurtful sentences in my head...

today I was out and I couldn't stop thinking about why he didn't want to sleep with me at all, I came to many conclusions but I don't know which one is true but I definitely felt and still feel very unattractive

I have put so much energy in thinking about it, what everything I should change on myself, how bad I look, how bad is my personality, how boring I am, how stupid my hobbies are, how cruel I am.....sometimes I can't do things I used to love before cause in my head is something like "oh it is so boring" or "oh it's so stupid"

I am sometimes very angry with myself, I could hurt him too and put him down too, But I always made him feel like he was the most beautiful man on this earth

 

His words are hurtful but it's up to you to make them "untrue" because YOU should know who you are and with all the people around you, especially family and friends that care and love you, his words about you, SHOULD NOT be your truth. If jackass believes I am nothing, then I am nothing. That's a lot of power to place in a moron's hands. Take it back.

 

What was Coffee like before she met this jerk? Did you ever view yourself with such negativity or did it only happen when assclown came around? Did you feel attractive before assclown came around? Did you love your hobbies before assclown came around? Go back and dig and start working on where it is you started letting your power and control fall to the wayside. If someone triggered it, start getting a grip and reversing those thoughts by consistently reaffirming the positives. If something in your distant past has molded you to see yourself with such negativity, seek a counselor or therapist and start working on yourself. Time to start reprograming negativity into positivity. You can't do it if you keep letting negative thoughts overcome you and be your truth. You have to counter attack. When you think a negative thought, stop yourself and self-talk. Reverse those thoughts and reaffirm with what you believe are positives about you. Bad sticks to you because you feed it. If you don't feed it, it dies. Rather feed yourself with what YOU, your friends, your family believe is good about Coffee. Assclown said I am XXX but he's wrong because I know I am XXX, and my friends and family love me for XXX. Say it out loud, and proud. Your mind needs re-programming. It's been programmed to go down a bad path, now you have to take it down different path.

 

You've become an extension of him. No mind of your own. You have things you used to love doing but now poo poo it because you're thinking like him because he's molded you just the way he liked it. You've allowed him to devalue and validate everything about you and the things you love based on what he would say or think. Stop. Go back and do those things that you loved. There was a reason why you did them in the first place. You are the only one that can decide your value. And please consider the source when you start to take his words to heart.

 

If you can't believe in anything, at least believe that this man is toxic and broken and that it was never about you.

Edited August 23, 2012 by geegirl

[Coffee20]

His words are hurtful but it's up to you to make them "untrue" because YOU should know who you are and with all the people around you, especially family and friends that care and love you, his words about you, SHOULD NOT be your truth. If jackass believes I am nothing, then I am nothing. That's a lot of power to place in a moron's hands. Take it back.

 

What was Coffee like before she met this jerk? Did you ever view yourself with such negativity or did it only happen when assclown came around? Did you feel attractive before assclown came around? Did you love your hobbies before assclown came around? Go back and dig and start working on where it is you started letting your power and control fall to the wayside. If someone triggered it, start getting a grip and reversing those thoughts by consistently reaffirming the positives. If something in your distant past has molded you to see yourself with such negativity, seek a counselor or therapist and start working on yourself. Time to start reprograming negativity into positivity. You can't do it if you keep letting negative thoughts overcome you and be your truth. You have to counter attack. When you think a negative thought, stop yourself and self-talk. Reverse those thoughts and reaffirm with what you believe are positives about you. Bad sticks to you because you feed it. If you don't feed it, it dies. Rather feed yourself with what YOU, your friends, your family believe is good about Coffee. Assclown said I am XXX but he's wrong because I know I am XXX, and my friends and family love me for XXX. Say it out loud, and proud. Your mind needs re-programming. It's been programmed to go down a bad path, now you have to take it down different path.

 

You've become an extension of him. No mind of your own. You have things you used to love doing but now poo poo it because you're thinking like him because he's molded you just the way he liked it. You've allowed him to devalue and validate everything about you and the things you love based on what he would say or think. Stop. Go back and do those things that you loved. There was a reason why you did them in the first place. You are the only one that can decide your value. And please consider the source when you start to take his words to heart.

 

If you can't believe in anything, at least believe that this man is toxic and broken and that it was never about you.

 

Hello geegirl!

so happy to see you again! your advice or everything what you have written have been so helpful for me, it always gives courage to my soul!

Actually I try as much as possible to get through but I am a soft person and I forgive and forget very quickly. I have been confused and in a very weird place for months now .

thanks a lot and believe me that I try, I have from time to time very low moments, because this is the second time it happened to me so I focus on myself, I sometimes come here and vent my deepest thoughts.

[geegirl]

Hello geegirl!

so happy to see you again! your advice or everything what you have written have been so helpful for me, it always gives courage to my soul!

Actually I try as much as possible to get through but I am a soft person and I forgive and forget very quickly. I have been confused and in a very weird place for months now .

thanks a lot and believe me that I try, I have from time to time very low moments, because this is the second time it happened to me so I focus on myself, I sometimes come here and vent my deepest thoughts.

 

Hello Coffee,

 

I understand where you are coming from and I am glad to see you barelling through. I had to deal with the same issues you are going through. Half the battle was won maybe because they say once a woman hits 40, she doesn't give a s*** anymore! I kid, but I understand being soft and forgiving. With that there is a fine line between being a doormat and being soft and forgiving for all the right reasons.

 

Soft and forgiving to those that are deserving of those wonderful qualities. Be that way to those that have earned to right for your forgiveness and your compassion. Being a doormat is when you strip yourself down of all boundaries and let someone walk all over you because being soft and forgiving is just your nature.

 

You have to have boundaries when you are aware that you are that person. Because if you don't, you extend it to those that will use that against you and to your detriment.

 

You are soft and forgiving because you love him and you want him to validate and value you. I can't think of any reason why one would be so selfless to someone who mistreated them. When your emotions have run out, you'll not care a damn to think forgiveness or have softness in your heart for him. This is all about your love for him. It's normal to feel that way, just don't give into you bad feelings. It's good to forget but remember it well enough to never want to go back there again.