Author stevieg Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 Thanks for your mostly constructive comments... Some of you have grasped the situation pretty well, presumably from bitter experience. Couple of points of clarification, for all its worth. The OW is placing absolutely no pressure on me to do anything, leave or otherwise. I am the one who has decided I need to do something. Also, we have not made plans for my kids; , comment was intended to demonstrate my perceived commitment from the OW given she has made a life choice not to have children. I was taken aback by the inference of arrogance, but probably only because it forced me to consider my actions. I have been arrogant and a complete a-hole, and I probably don't deserve either woman. Enough 'whining' then, I guess ill report back when I've grown a pair.
pteromom Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I don't think you should stay with your wife if you are unhappy with her. However, I also think it would be quite foolhardy to just jump into a relationship with the OW. What BetrayedH said is true - an affair bears very little resemblance to a relationship. It's an escape from real life, not an example of it. I would talk to your wife, tell her the truth, and go from there. If she's willing to work on it, you can decide whether you want to, but it may not be your call to make, because she may just walk away. If you end up on your own, I would stay there for a while. Keep dating the OW if you want, but s-l-o-w-l-y integrate her into your life. Don't live with her or make any big life plans. 1
beach Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Thanks for your mostly constructive comments... Some of you have grasped the situation pretty well, presumably from bitter experience. Couple of points of clarification, for all its worth. The OW is placing absolutely no pressure on me to do anything, leave or otherwise. I am the one who has decided I need to do something. Also, we have not made plans for my kids; , comment was intended to demonstrate my perceived commitment from the OW given she has made a life choice not to have children. I was taken aback by the inference of arrogance, but probably only because it forced me to consider my actions. I have been arrogant and a complete a-hole, and I probably don't deserve either woman. Enough 'whining' then, I guess ill report back when I've grown a pair. Considering the fact that you are just now examining YOUR character traits - it seems useful to find out WHO YOU really are! Best to be on your own for a long while and determine who you are without all those women around you. Do counseling... It may help you with clarity.
Furious Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 (edited) Thanks for your mostly constructive comments... Some of you have grasped the situation pretty well, presumably from bitter experience. Couple of points of clarification, for all its worth. The OW is placing absolutely no pressure on me to do anything, leave or otherwise. I am the one who has decided I need to do something. Also, we have not made plans for my kids; , comment was intended to demonstrate my perceived commitment from the OW given she has made a life choice not to have children. I was taken aback by the inference of arrogance, but probably only because it forced me to consider my actions. I have been arrogant and a complete a-hole, and I probably don't deserve either woman. Enough 'whining' then, I guess ill report back when I've grown a pair. You just don't get it. I don't think you will tell your wife the truth. I don't think you will leave for the OW. I don't think the OW will leave her husband. You will remain in limbo and I predict that the only thing that will change anything is if your wife finds out or your OW's husband finds out. Edited August 21, 2012 by Furious 2
Artie Lang Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 stevie, if you've truly checked-out of the marriage, then you should get a divorce. no sense in keeping up a charade... your wife's dignity is at stake here. don't string her along any further. I think you should tell her the truth, though. she has a right to know what came between your marriage to her. you owe her that much... the TRUTH.
Spark1111 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Thanks for your mostly constructive comments... Some of you have grasped the situation pretty well, presumably from bitter experience. Couple of points of clarification, for all its worth. The OW is placing absolutely no pressure on me to do anything, leave or otherwise. I am the one who has decided I need to do something. Also, we have not made plans for my kids; , comment was intended to demonstrate my perceived commitment from the OW given she has made a life choice not to have children. I was taken aback by the inference of arrogance, but probably only because it forced me to consider my actions. I have been arrogant and a complete a-hole, and I probably don't deserve either woman. Enough 'whining' then, I guess ill report back when I've grown a pair. OW NEVER place any pressure on you to do anything....that's why they are OW! They NEVER want you to hold them responsible for ending a marriage, especially with kids. They want, encourage, you to do what is best for you....so that you will NEVER hold them responsible for wrecking your marriage.....you ALONE have to be responsible for that, so you CAN NEVER hold them responsible for the demise of your marriage and the ensuing destruction. Too bad it is xamount of sexual encounters too late. Think about it...is there any friend, family member, student from sixth grade cathechism class, sibling, parent, co-worker, boss, priest, pastor who would encourage you to betray your spouse and family....for true love? No. Of course not. Only your AP would encourage this scenario. So, man up, grow a pair, own your actions, and tell your spouse the truth like a real grown up. I wish you peace and happiness and a true future with your AP, who right now wants NO responsibility for your clandestine relationship OR the break-up of yor family. You are going to need support from someone, and she has subtley let you know it will not be her! Good luck to you from me and all the other bitter BSs.
Author stevieg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 Hey, Small update. I told my wife, obviously it has been a devestating experience but already we are talking about how this is the first step in putting things right, whether it is together or apart. I am blown away by her resilience - we are both hurting bad for sure, but she has not closed the door on me completely, although it could happen yet, understandably. We are trying to work through whether we want to be married or not, and not trying to have that influenced by the affair or the OW, difficult as that is. Had my first therapy session yesterday too. Thanks, for all your advice. It hurt, but it helped. Future very uncertain, but the only thing that is certain is it will be better than the recent past for both of us.
worldgonewrong Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 we are both hurting bad for sure Refresh my memory - why are you hurting?
Furious Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Hey, Small update. I told my wife, obviously it has been a devestating experience but already we are talking about how this is the first step in putting things right, whether it is together or apart. I am blown away by her resilience - we are both hurting bad for sure, but she has not closed the door on me completely, although it could happen yet, understandably. We are trying to work through whether we want to be married or not, and not trying to have that influenced by the affair or the OW, difficult as that is. Had my first therapy session yesterday too. Thanks, for all your advice. It hurt, but it helped. Future very uncertain, but the only thing that is certain is it will be better than the recent past for both of us. I hope you've given your wife the entire truth about your affair. Have you told her who the OW is and answered your wife's questions truthfully. 1
Author stevieg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 Refresh my memory - why are you hurting? Really? Do you have to ask? The single, minor reference I make to my feeling and you pick up on it - nice.
Author stevieg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 I hope you've given your wife the entire truth about your affair. Have you told her who the OW is and answered your wife's questions truthfully. Hi, yes - 100%.... no more lies. Thanks
Furious Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Hi, yes - 100%.... no more lies. Thanks How do you feel?
Author stevieg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 I'm very unstable, (not in a dangerous way!!!), very up and down emotionally. The gravity of what I have done is sometimes overwhelming and I cannot believe that I got us into this situation - unfortunately this just kick starts self pity which is not helpful really. Other times, I feel like a cloud has been lifted from our family and that nothing can be as bad as it has been, at least not long term. I wouldn't call it relief as such, but certainly things look different now.
redtail Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Really? Do you have to ask? The single, minor reference I make to my feeling and you pick up on it - nice. Stevieg, that is really a great start, I only wish my (ex)wife would have been as forthcoming, I found the evidence of her affair and she tried, lied and denied. I understand you're hurting, I get that. But just so that you too understand the other side, in communicating with your wife, take the hurt that you feel now, and multiply it times 100. Truthfully... Best of luck to you both... 1
Author stevieg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 But just so that you too understand the other side, in communicating with your wife, take the hurt that you feel now, and multiply it times 100. Truthfully... Best of luck to you both... I do understand that, no way am I claiming to be in the place she is in right now. Turns out the hurt was even more beforehand as she was blaming herself, as someone else rightly pointed out previously Thanks for your support.
Furious Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I'm very unstable, (not in a dangerous way!!!), very up and down emotionally. The gravity of what I have done is sometimes overwhelming and I cannot believe that I got us into this situation - unfortunately this just kick starts self pity which is not helpful really. Other times, I feel like a cloud has been lifted from our family and that nothing can be as bad as it has been, at least not long term. I wouldn't call it relief as such, but certainly things look different now. I admire the courage you showed in giving your wife the truth. That relief you feel, is the letting go of the lies, it must have been eating away at you, and at least now your reality will be based in honesty. 2
BetrayedH Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 What happened to the OW? Last I knew, you loved each other.
Author stevieg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 What happened to the OW? Last I knew, you loved each other. Good question. Having to try and compartmentalize that at the moment. The overwhelming tide of opinion (on here, on internet, from friends etc) is that it is a love which is unsustainable; infatuation, whatever you want to call it. I still don't believe it, but I am trying to be open minded and I am hoping the therapy will help draw out of me the right answers. Right now, I still feel love for her, it hasn't abated. Practically, we have ceased the relationship and are minimising contact to allow us to focus on the primary issue which is whether we want to remain in our current marriages or not, regardless of the outcome of the other. Does that make sense?
worldgonewrong Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Really? Do you have to ask? The single, minor reference I make to my feeling and you pick up on it - nice. It's a valid question!
worldgonewrong Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Good question. Having to try and compartmentalize that at the moment. The overwhelming tide of opinion (on here, on internet, from friends etc) is that it is a love which is unsustainable; infatuation, whatever you want to call it. I still don't believe it, but I am trying to be open minded and I am hoping the therapy will help draw out of me the right answers. Right now, I still feel love for her, it hasn't abated. Practically, we have ceased the relationship and are minimising contact to allow us to focus on the primary issue which is whether we want to remain in our current marriages or not, regardless of the outcome of the other. Does that make sense? In all sincerity, no rancor, I think that it's wise you're taking a step back. See if some of the bonding that has occurred has been hormonal - you know what I mean? Chemical versus something really deep that is there. The high of the affair - if it's really true, sustainable - will still be there if you two really love each other despite a bit of a lull. And it will be a true test of how you really feel if you're detached for a bit, if that makes sense.
Author stevieg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 In all sincerity, no rancor, I think that it's wise you're taking a step back. See if some of the bonding that has occurred has been hormonal - you know what I mean? Chemical versus something really deep that is there. The high of the affair - if it's really true, sustainable - will still be there if you two really love each other despite a bit of a lull. And it will be a true test of how you really feel if you're detached for a bit, if that makes sense. Sure does. And sorry I bit earlier... not entirely myself at the moment! Thanks 1
redtail Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 she was blaming herself. Please recognize this, this is what a lot of BS do, I did. It was also my path to healing and eventually being the stronger of the two. Your wife may be on that path and most likely sees that if she needs to make a change in her life, it starts with herself. Affairs are life altering to all of the people involved. If you intend to get better as a person, you may need to keep up with your wife at this point. Decide your path, show resolve and think of how you will view your actions a year from now, will you be proud or ashamed... 1
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