cl3 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Here's my story.. even though it happened over 1.5 yrs ago, it still hurts. My first was a playboy and cheated on me. I fe;t so taken advantage of, and lied to. My first kiss, first time holding hands, and virginity were all lost to him.. I felt so passionate at the time, experiencing all these new things. Now.. I feel emotionally repressed.I feel like the foundation for your future relationships is set by your first. I didn't understand how it could happen.. My frenemy who actually really hated me convinced me he was a great guy who liked me, and that I could trust him. I feel like even though it happened so short & fast, I remember it all.. And it all hurts. How he'd say nice things, but then ignore me; how he never kept promises. He wanted me to fall for him.. He left his jackets with me that he didn't want so I'd remember him. He was fully aware that he was my first, and he didn't care. I was so scared when I got my first std from him & found out he wasn't really a virgin like my frenemy convinced me (he was 22, and I was 18, after all..), but he didn't say anything & didn't care. I asked him to go to senior prom with me, making a big sign & balloons.. His english sucks, so I wrote it in his language just for him. He said yes... Then proceeded to ignore me. I couldn't take it, & my frenemy manipulated me by telling me to delete all our pics & remove him from fb for ignoring me. I did it, being stupid & naive.. Whilst crying my heart out. I went all the way to his work when I found out I got that std, and he made me pay for the haircut, didn't say anything, didn't care. I spent a year feeling terrible. I thought about him constantly, looked at his profile online & saw him talking to another girl. Yet at the end of the yr, I contacted him again.. He wanted to get back together right away, and he wasn't with that girl anymore. I hesitated, knowing what happened.. I wanted to take things slow. But, he was insistent, and I was weak. When I wouldn't say I love you, since we barely knew eachother & started going out, he gave me the silent treatment. He deleted our pics on fb. I saw his ex commented & liked our pics & didn't care, I thought to myself "if they're friends now, so what? I'm with him now" But then all of a sudden it says he's in a relationship with her!! He won't pick up my call. If I call him, he'll say he'll call me back but doesn't. We texted eachother at the end. He wouldn't so much as talk it out.. & said that he hurt me so much, he didn't want me to talk about the girl, but maybe in the future we can be together.. in terrible english. I feel like all of this is so distant to me. I have no feelings or attraction for this guy. I still have this deep resentment & hatred.. He just got away with it & I let him. I wouldn't fight back b/c I was weak. And it seems like people like this kinda guy.. I told his friend's gf about it, and she pretended to like me like she was on my side, but it was a lie. A girl I knew in college who knew him years ago pretended to side with me too, giving me words of support.. Then I see her go on fb saying she wants to visit him! & he says he'd give her a free haircut, when I had to pay! I didn't do anything wrong, I was just too innocent & trusting. I feel emotionally scarred.. I want to forgive myself, but Idk if I can. I feel like once I lost my first to him, all was lost.. I felt numb. I have a bf now, who knows about my past.. But he doesn't understand my pain. He's the only guy I've loved, and even though he's not my first, he's the first I really enjoyed being with. I consider him my first bf, b/c my 'first' was just a user. Despite his support, I haven't felt able to open up completely, b/c he gets jealous. yet, he has said things about his ex that really hurt me. I got to the point of wanting to break up with him because of his past with his ex. So I went from believing in love despite the past, to holding his past against him. I know it's unfair, but.. I can't relate to him. He was with her for over a year & even lived with her, and I can't stand that. Moreover, she actually liked him.. She wanted to get back together after he broke up with her. My bf is the only one I really had.. So I can't get over this resentment towards him for his past with her. I still feel broken on the inside. I talked about this with him, and his words don't reach me. He says he loves me, not her, and that he enjoys things more with me.. But it doesn't mean anything to me. I can't help but feel that someone had him before me, but it didn't have to be this way. I knew him before he got with her, but we were just online friends at first. I hate my bf for having someone else.. I hate that he mentioned his sex life with her before we got serious, & before I knew it'd hurt. & I also saw pics of them making out that he says he forgot about & threw away. I know ppl will tell me, that he's with me now. But I feel so messed up by my first.. I have underlying reasons to feel so bad. I just wish things turned out differently, even though it's useless to feel like this.
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