Am I being insecure or is this woman using me for my looks?

[dacookie]

Hey guys, not in a relationship(mainly because I said I didnt want one just yet as I didnt want an LDR) with this girl but we both definitely have feelings for each other.I am 20 and she is 28, one day I had said I had wanted to live in the US while talking to her and she offered her place as a permanent stay.This is after she had seen pictures of me but we had not talked intimately.I accepted and she got me a job as a secretary and started organizing my visa, she said I wasnt gonna have any obligations to have a relationship with her.She then started calling me pet names and I did a little with her too, I asked if she did this with anyone else and she told me no.Later she slept with some guy and told me about it, I was really upset and she said she had no idea about my feelings because I was so young and that she was very overweight and I was good looking and fit(her words not mine) and she thought I had been joking, she told me a few months later she had cried over that(this is important) but the thing is when she was telling me she acted like for sure she was gonna have sex with this same guy again(important).At the time it was hard for me to explain, I just had this gut wrenching feeling and didnt understand how to put it into words until the next day, that was when she cried.I never heard her cry, she just told me.

 

Afterwards we discussed things(Our feelings for eachother etc) and she told me this guy only wanted to be FWB and that she didnt want that so she told him no.Now a bit again after that I asked her if she said no before or after we discussed things.She told me before, that seemed like a huge lie to me because she seemed so keen on having sex with this guy again if she wanted when she told me the first time.She really championed honesty so if that was indeed a lie it would take a lot away from what I thought about her.

 

The second time told me she cried was when she deeply bruised my ego and I got upset with her.I asked her what she thought about my innocence and she related everything of what she said to other guys, how I was inexperienced sexually and such.To me that was a very small part of it, and the part that didnt need mention at all.I was quite hurt even though she insisted she was not putting me down.The part about 'guys my age having had at least x partners' really upset me.She worded what she said absolutely terribly, giving percentages to 'most guys' that I was not in and just recently she compared me to a guy at work who she says is 'eye candy' for the women but she said I look a lot better than him.She said she meant it as a compliment but I took it wrong.Where I live its just not normal to compare another mans looks and tell the other person, when I dont even ask?But she says it is very normal there and disagreed with me when I told her its shallow.And another thing, she has showed pictures of me to people she works with as if she is proud because of how I look.It seems like she is lusting me rather than loving me but that could just be my paranoia.The only 'compliment' about me besides looks has been about my innocence and like I said she worded it terribly.

 

The third time was soon after the second, perhaps a week or two where I had gotten paranoid about what she had said.I told her she only wanted to ruin me etc, she said she cried while in work.

 

I just must ask, is she crying for herself or is she crying because I am deeply upset?

 

We have known each other over a period of about 6months, she very rarely initiates contact and I feel I am the one talking most the time.Ive pointed this about 2-3 times, same thing happens every time, she makes a little effort for about the next 3 days to initiate but still talks about the same, then it stops.Ive told her that I dont understand that and she jokingly said 'the man should contact the woman' I disagreed.I would have thought she would have wanted to talk to me every day on the phone but she says she is not like that.I told her I like that yet she continues this not initiating and talking a lot less then me.Pretty much most the time just responding to what I say, I have even said that I feel I should distance myself because we are not on the same page here, she reassured me we are.Again she did the same, initiating for a few days then nothing once more.

 

Besides all these things she is extremely nice to me.I try to stay away from the 'love' word as much as possible as I would much prefer to meet her first and actually mean it.If it means anything she has used that word once or twice referring indirectly to me.

 

I dont want to play games but I am really thinking about distancing myself a lot until I meet her, there is just quite a few things im not happy with like her sleeping with that guy and telling me she didnt know how i felt(I only just barely believe her about this), the possible big lie, the possibility of her just lusting me, possibly just telling me shes crying when its in fact just a manipulation tactic and the lack of initiating and just general lack of talking to me on her part.Id like if we talked on the phone every day and have told her that multiple times, she says she is busy with work and recently she said her aunt is dieing but she has always been like this.

 

Can you guys offer some insight and answer my questions?Thanks

 

Ps: One thing I forgot to mention, she wants to come to my country to visit me after I receive my visa, spend about a week here and then fly back with me.She says this has nothing to do with me because she has always wanted to visit here(yet Im pretty sure shes just saying that, as she has also talked about coming here even before I get my visa)and if it means anything she said she wouldnt mind seeing my parents but I told her I dont want them involved anymore.

 

Ps2: Another thing I forgot, she insists none of this is about my looks and also says I am cute when I say silly things

[justwhoiam]

Hi,

 

I cannot really relate to her behavior, as I think I'd never start a relationship with someone that younger than me.

 

I'd like to say a few things though.

 

It looks like she's treating you like a toy. I personally dislike anyone showing my pics to people i don't know. And I make it clear when I share a pic of me that it's for the receiver only and I wouldn't appreciate anyone else seeing it. That would save you a lot of trouble.

 

I understand your concern about having feelings for a woman who sleeps around with men outside a relationship. That makes for trouble. Especially in a LDR.

 

Also, you trusted her sharing intimate information on yourself just to get hurt by her distasteful remarks. ANY man would be deeply hurt in their masculinity. You don't mock guys, especially if you care for them. She's showing lack of respect that cannot be justified by your young age.

She didn't mean to hurt you, she just lives in her own small world ignoring there's a completely different life outside of it. I bet she couldn't even locate the 50 states of her country on a map, if you asked her. Yet she probably feels superior.

 

I never heard her cry, she just told me.

 

The second time told me she cried was when she deeply bruised my ego and I got upset with her.

 

The third time was soon after the second, perhaps a week or two where I had gotten paranoid about what she had said.I told her she only wanted to ruin me etc, she said she cried while in wo

 

I just must ask, is she crying for herself or is she crying because I am deeply upset?

I can't tell if she's faking it being a drama queen or she's saying the truth. I never lied on that. I have a hard time saying I cried, because it makes me weak and I don't want others to know. So if I come to the point I say that, it's because I really cried. Sometimes it's just sad silent tears of someone who's hurt, other times it's a "good" cry, where you have to blow your nose and it just won't go away for as much as it hurt. When the cry is over, you feel like crap, like a truck hit you. Long story short: there's no sure way to tell whether she's just playing, the only clue is her behavior when she's interacting with you.

 

About intiating contact, I too prefer a man to do it. If then you're in a serious relationship, everything's different.

 

I try to stay away from the 'love' word as much as possible

Wise decision. You need to know more about her first. As it's wise of you not to introduce her to your parents.

 

I would say, you're almost done with your visa. Fly to the US, start working there and look for some mate to share an apartment with. Don't stay at her place. You just thank her for what she did and you can have a drink with her now and then just as friends and being social.

 

After all, she never expected anything from you, she's well aware you need something else. She can be a good friend maybe, but would she be your dream girl? It seems that you're just settling with her, but I'm not sure you're in love with her.

Edited August 21, 2012 by justwhoiam

[FitChick]

This is a risky position to be in because she controls whether you can work legally in the country, aside from all of the personal drama.

[dacookie]

Hi,

 

I cannot really relate to her behavior, as I think I'd never start a relationship with someone that younger than me.

 

She said I am very mature for my age, which I would agree.She doesnt like me making jokes about her 'snatching me out of the cradle' lol.I am mature but not a serious person and I joke and tease a lot.

 

I'd like to say a few things though.

 

It looks like she's treating you like a toy. I personally dislike anyone showing my pics to people i don't know. And I make it clear when I share a pic of me that it's for the receiver only and I wouldn't appreciate anyone else seeing it. That would save you a lot of trouble.

 

She has referred to me as a toy on a forum.But the topic of conversation was about if you are usually the toy or not.She said usually she is the toy but that this time I am(me) The pictures were on my facebook but I was not friends with these people she showed.We roleplay on this forum, like writing stories etc, she said that she meant me in the toy of the roleplay...seems pretty bull**** to me.The thing is she said that I am a toy BEFORE sleeping with this other guy.She had sex with him and sucked his dick on the first date, she said she not usually like this and has only had sex with 5 guys.She has been overweight her whole life and a part of me feels that when I help to lose weight she will just cheat like hell if we got serious.If she is the flirty type with all men(I think she is) then I wont pursue something serious with her.

 

I understand your concern about having feelings for a woman who sleeps around with men outside a relationship. That makes for trouble. Especially in a LDR.

 

Like above, if I ask around and they say she is very flirty, I wont pursue something serious with her.As when she is not overweight I would think the chances are high that she would go around with any guy she wants if she can.She has a very high libido and her testosterone levels are very high, as high in the above average range for a man(proven by blood test)

 

Also, you trusted her sharing intimate information on yourself just to get hurt by her distasteful remarks. ANY man would be deeply hurt in their masculinity. You don't mock guys, especially if you care for them. She's showing lack of respect that cannot be justified by your young age.

She didn't mean to hurt you, she just lives in her own small world ignoring there's a completely different life outside of it. I bet she couldn't even locate the 50 states of her country on a map, if you asked her. Yet she probably feels superior.

 

I dont think she is that dumb but I do think she did not mean for it to come across the way that it did.I am quite sensitive.

 

I can't tell if she's faking it being a drama queen or she's saying the truth. I never lied on that. I have a hard time saying I cried, because it makes me weak and I don't want others to know. So if I come to the point I say that, it's because I really cried. Sometimes it's just sad silent tears of someone who's hurt, other times it's a "good" cry, where you have to blow your nose and it just won't go away for as much as it hurt. When the cry is over, you feel like crap, like a truck hit you. Long story short: there's no sure way to tell whether she's just playing, the only clue is her behavior when she's interacting with you.

 

She was very apologetic about it and said she really likes my innocence.I doubt it was a 'good' cry and she seems like you also.But she has been through a lot, a huge amount of baggage, lost her child at the age of 17 because her boyfriend who was 34 I think physically hit her, raped her and threw her down flights of stairs because she was away and came home early to him having sex with a different woman.All her other boyfriends have been abusive or liars in some way or another.But that story I just told is definitely the worst of it.She says she is super independent now.She doesnt have a child.

 

About intiating contact, I too prefer a man to do it. If then you're in a serious relationship, everything's different.

 

Wise decision. You need to know more about her first. As it's wise of you not to introduce her to your parents.

 

I agree.I am going to withhold feelings and sex until I know her better.She has said she wants to dominate me, spank me for bad behavior though it was me who had to get that out of her she didnt want to tell me and has said she has had those feelings for a long time, soon after we met and started roleplaying she said(being very cheeky, drinking, doing drugs, calling her names-Those are all things that will get 'punishment') I have a bit of a fetish for spanking and am not submissive but with her we just seem to have personalitys which compliment each other greatly, that is why I am allowing this.

 

I would say, you're almost done with your visa. Fly to the US, start working there and look for some mate to share an apartment with. Don't stay at her place. You just thank her for what she did and you can have a drink with her now and then just as friends and being social.

 

It is almost done but I want to stay with her.She said I can stay for free and I dont have a lot of money.She is sponsoring me.

 

After all, she never expected anything from you, she's well aware you need something else. She can be a good friend maybe, but would she be your dream girl? It seems that you're just settling with her, but I'm not sure you're in love with her.

 

I dont know yet, I need to get to know her better, see if she is a liar even on little things, see if she is flirty, see how she treats other men when with me physically and when not with me.

 

 

I have put my answer in bold

 

But I must say that I think I have portrayed all of the negatives and none of the positives.She is very nice to me, very patient with me as I am impulsive and hurt/angered easily.She doesnt shout at me and that helps a lot in seeing her reason.She is letting me stay at her house for free and has offered to pay for all my food until I am settled in the job.When there is conflict she is very attentive to me.Everything is always settled very fast and there is no grudges held, except I still have a bit of one about that other guy.If I found out she is still flirty with guys in her work that would be a deal breaker for me.I know we are not together, but it is literally borderline that and would expect her to be like that especially because of that guy and her 'not knowing'.Said she was very becoming to me and she said she didnt know what that meant and that over there they say 'i want to make you mine etc' that was the main issue with her sleeping with that guy, I thought I made it obvious, doing almost everything except 'i love you' and I was trying to hold back.I dont ever call random girls pet names.

[dacookie]

This is a risky position to be in because she controls whether you can work legally in the country, aside from all of the personal drama.

 

I agree and she has a very hot cousin who said to her that Im 'hot' when she showed a picture to her.She has failed to mention before that she lives with her currently and came off very jealous when I had mentioned her before, primarily I am guessing because the cousin was saying how she is too old for me and that she should be 'set up' with me, the cousin is 17.This cousin added me on facebook, she told me not to accept but when I reasoned with her she said it was fine.Ive talked with the cousin a little but nothing serious.

[dacookie]

Do you guys think girls with baggage are usually a lot of trouble and always will be or is this just me having a bad experience with another girl who had a lot of baggage?

 

If it means anything, her cousin has said she is 'sweet'.I want to believe she is genuine but past experiences have told me not to judge just yet, and she seemed very hurt when I said I dont trust her completely yet

[justwhoiam]

Do you guys think girls with baggage are usually a lot of trouble and always will be?

In most cases, yes. But it wouldn't take you much to know. When you two start an argument, her behavior seems to be good overall, it might be softened by the distance, or maybe she's just containing herself. She seems the flirty type.

 

Also, I don't know anything about your culture. But it might really clash with hers.

 

So, well, you might end up as her personal gigolo. Or things at her place might turn out bad.

[dacookie]

In most cases, yes. But it wouldn't take you much to know. When you two start an argument, her behavior seems to be good overall, it might be softened by the distance, or maybe she's just containing herself. She seems the flirty type.

 

Also, I don't know anything about your culture. But it might really clash with hers.

 

So, well, you might end up as her personal gigolo. Or things at her place might turn out bad.

 

At the end of the day I think it comes down to that, in the worst possible scenario ill be her personal gigolo.Best scenario there is something between us.Imma keep my distance and feelings in check until we meet and just see how things play out.

[TMichaels]

... one day I had said I had wanted to live in the US while talking to her and she offered her place as a permanent stay. This is after she had seen pictures of me but we had not talked intimately. I accepted and she got me a job as a secretary and started organizing my visa, she said I wasnt gonna have any obligations to have a relationship with her.

 

I hate to break your bubble dacookie, but it's virtually impossible for anyone to sponsor someone from another country to do a job as low on the totem pole as a secretary in the U.S.

 

In general, you can only hire a non-US resident if there are no US residents qualified to do the job. There certainly is no shortage of people in the US who are qualified to be secretaries.

 

There might be a slight chance your "friend" would be able to get you a job in the US via an intra-office transfer -- but you'd have to be already working for an overseas office of the same employer you'd be working for later in the US. Again, convincing the UCIS that it's imperative an unskilled secretary working in an overseas office be admitted to the US to do the same work is doubtful.

 

I don't know what sort of game your "friend" is playing, but it would behoove both of you to do some research about the whole issue so you know what's fact and what's just blowing smoke your way.

 

Quite frankly, I don't know why you're wasting your time with this woman. She sounds like a manipulative, troubled nut case. And, if the only reason you're even entertaining her is because you think you're going to gain entry into the US, all the more reason why you need to do your homework before wasting any more of your time because the carrot she's holding out in front of your nose only exists in the two of your minds.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[dacookie]

I hate to break your bubble dacookie, but it's virtually impossible for anyone to sponsor someone from another country to do a job as low on the totem pole as a secretary in the U.S.

 

In general, you can only hire a non-US resident if there are no US residents qualified to do the job. There certainly is no shortage of people in the US who are qualified to be secretaries.

 

There might be a slight chance your "friend" would be able to get you a job in the US via an intra-office transfer -- but you'd have to be already working for an overseas office of the same employer you'd be working for later in the US. Again, convincing the UCIS that it's imperative an unskilled secretary working in an overseas office be admitted to the US to do the same work is doubtful.

 

I don't know what sort of game your "friend" is playing, but it would behoove both of you to do some research about the whole issue so you know what's fact and what's just blowing smoke your way.

 

Quite frankly, I don't know why you're wasting your time with this woman. She sounds like a manipulative, troubled nut case. And, if the only reason you're even entertaining her is because you think you're going to gain entry into the US, all the more reason why you need to do your homework before wasting any more of your time because the carrot she's holding out in front of your nose only exists in the two of your minds.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

She has told me that the place I will be working in has gotten in trouble for having too many white americans and not enough black americans, black americans simply arent applying for this job.The town I will be working at is almost all whites(75%).I am classified as foreign and thats how she got me this job.

 

The visa has already been accepted and is being put in the US database.She is not lieing about this, there is no way she would tell her family and friends about me and then lie about this.I have talked to her cousin, one of her friends indirectly too.Its just not possible.

 

She is going to bring my visa documents when she comes over to see me.

 

I think I just overreact a lot when in an LDR or whatever you want to define this as.They just dont suit me at all and I didnt want to be in one again but it happened.

 

Edit: Also if it helps Im from Ireland.Ive been told that Ireland has a completely different relation compared to other countrys.I am apparently classified as a foreigner not an 'alien'

Edited August 23, 2012 by dacookie

[TMichaels]

She has told me that the place I will be working in has gotten in trouble for having too many white americans and not enough black americans, black americans simply arent applying for this job.The town I will be working at is almost all whites(75%).

 

Bunk. What she's talking about is Affirmative Action (AA) and Equal Employment Opportunity (EEO) laws which have nothing to do with Immigration.

 

If the employer is a unit of government, college/university or a private company that receives $10,000 or more annually in federal funds they must comply with a variety of those regulations which generally prohibit employment discrimination based on race, color, religion, gender, national origin, or disability.

 

Companies "get in trouble" when their hiring history indicates a pattern of discrimination whether intentional or not. It may be a case of not enough workers from "under-utilized" groups applying and being hired for positions but the solution is not to go out and hire people from other countries to fill the jobs -- the company has to increase their recruitment efforts within the U.S.

 

In other words, if your company doesn't employ enough people of color in low-level positions you can't simply import "foreigners" to comply (unless we're talking about seasonal agricultural positions which is a recent change).

 

Sorry, but there is no shortage of people of color in the US to fill secretarial positions. Your "friend's" company simply is not recruiting aggressively enough and will just be in further "trouble" if it's discovered they are circumventing labor laws and hiring foreign nationals to fill on-going, low-level positions that can be held by average Americans.

 

I am classified as foreign and thats how she got me this job.

Anyone who doesn't have a Green Card or is a US Citizen is a foreigner, so your point is?

 

 

The visa has already been accepted and is being put in the US database.She is not lieing about this, there is no way she would tell her family and friends about me and then lie about this.I have talked to her cousin, one of her friends indirectly too.Its just not possible.

It most certainly is.

 

Here's the US Visa Classifications for Temporary Workers from the US Embassy in Ireland site. The only type of visa you *might* have a remote chance of obtaining is an H-2B visa - but again, given the history of your friend's company not meeting AA/EEO quotas and the fact her company would have to demonstrate the need to hire is seasonal and not on-going, it's highly unlikely one would be granted. There's also a cap of only 66,000 of these granted a year -- from all eligible countries in the world -- including from Ireland.

 

H-1B visa: Specialty Occupations, DOD Cooperative Research and Development Project Workers, and Fashion Models is required by an employee who is coming to the United States to perform services in a prearranged professional job. To qualify, the alien requires a bachelor’s or higher degree (or equivalent) in the specific specialty for which employment authorization is being sought. It is the responsibility of the USCIS to determine whether the employment constitutes a specialty occupation and whether the alien is qualified to perform the services. Before filing the petition, form I-129H, with the USCIS Service Center, the employer is required file a labor condition application with the Department of Labor concerning the terms and conditions of the contract of employment.

 

• H-2A Visa: Temporary Agricultural Workers;
  
• H-2B visa: Temporary Non-Agricultural Workers (skilled and unskilled worker). A H-2B visa is required by an employee who is coming to the United States to perform a job which is temporary or seasonal in nature and for which there is a shortage of U.S. workers. A U.S. employer must file a Form I-129, Petition for Nonimmigrant Worker with the USCIS, on a prospective worker’s behalf.
  
• H-3 Visa: (Nonimmigrant Trainee or Special Education Exchange Visitor) is required by a trainee who is coming to the United States to receive training from an employer in any field of endeavor, other than graduate education or training. The training cannot be used to provide productive employment and cannot be available in the individual’s home country. The employer is required to file a petition, form I-129H, with the USCIS Service Center to gain approval for the training.
  
• L-1A Intracompany Transferee Executive or Manager classification is required by an alien who is being transferred by his current employer to a specific executive or technical job with the same firm, or subsidiary thereof, in the United States. The employment must be approved in advance by the USCIS in the United States. Follow this link for further information regarding the L-1 visa classification.
  
• L-1B Intracompany Transferee Specialized Knowledge. The L-1B nonimmigrant classification enables a U.S. employer to transfer a professional employee with specialized knowledge relating to the organization’s interests from one of its affiliated foreign offices to one of its offices in the United States.
  
• O-1 Visa: Individuals with Extraordinary Ability or Achievement in the sciences, arts, education, business, or athletics, or who has a demonstrated record of extraordinary achievement in the motion picture or television industry and has been recognized nationally or internationally for those achievements;
   
  
  
• O-2 classification applies to persons accompanying an O-1 alien to assist in an artistic or athletic performance for a specific event or performance;
   
  
  
• P-1 classification applies to individual or team athletes, or to members of an internationally recognized entertainment group;
  
• P-2 classification applies to artists or entertainers who will perform under a reciprocal exchange program;
  
• P-3 classification applies to an Artist or Entertainer coming to be part of a Culturally Unique Program;
  
• Q-1 classification applies to participants in an international cultural exchange program for the purpose of providing practical training, employment, and the sharing of the history, culture and traditions of the alien's home country.
  

 

She is going to bring my visa documents when she comes over to see me.

I don't know why she would need to do that. She can easily send you a copy by snail mail, email, FAX, etc. At the very least, why don't you ask her to send you a copy of *the application* she *submitted* so you'd know if she's telling you the truth or not BEFORE you waste any more time on this.

 

You also do realize, don't you, that applications like this have to be filed six months in advance of when a worker is needed as it takes that long for the application to be approved?

 

And, this is only "Step One" of the process -- that *you* will also need to file for a Temporary Worker Visa yourself if/when the petition for employer-sponsored employment has been approved...

 

I suggested before instead of acting like an innocent lamb being led down "your friend's" primrose path you need to do your own homework so you can judge for yourself whether she's really just leading you on.

 

Here's just one link that you may find informative about H-2B visas (if indeed that's the one she thinks you'll qualify for).

 

I think I just overreact a lot when in an LDR or whatever you want to define this as.They just dont suit me at all and I didnt want to be in one again but it happened.

I think you are just incredibly impressionable, naive and gullible which is understandable given your age. I also think it is a mistake to allow this woman to ostensibly apply for an employer-sponsored visa when you have not even met her in real life.

 

I don't want to alarm you, but you could end up in a very dangerous position if somehow she manages to get you into the country and you are at her mercy in terms of a place to live, a job, and your well-being.

 

My advice to you is to slow down and take this relationship one step at a time. Meet her in person first -- on your own turf -- and see what you think of her. Don't let her hold all the cards as it's *your life* she's playing with and not the other way around.

 

Edit: Also if it helps Im from Ireland.Ive been told that Ireland has a completely different relation compared to other countrys.I am apparently classified as a foreigner not an 'alien'

Simply put: You've been misinformed.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[dacookie]

I will talk about this more with her and cant give you a proper response because Im not informed fully yet.I just dont see why someone would be messing with someone elses life like you are proposing.I have been waiting to go over there since march, she has even painted my bedroom for me which her cousin confirmed to me.

 

I have been waiting since early April, the visa is well past 'stage one' and has already been accepted and is being put in the US database.She rings them often and gives me new information every once in awhile.It is just not possible that this is all a lie.

 

I will ask her about the type of visa tonight but I will say that its been mentioned that I can stay as long as I continue to work there.

[TMichaels]

I will talk about this more with her and cant give you a proper response because Im not informed fully yet.I just dont see why someone would be messing with someone elses life like you are proposing.I have been waiting to go over there since march, she has even painted my bedroom for me which her cousin confirmed to me.

 

I painted my spare bedroom in May which my friends and family members can affirm. Does that mean I'm arranging for an non-US national whom I've never met to live in my house and work in America for the company for which I also work?

 

I have been waiting since early April, the visa is well past 'stage one' and has already been accepted and is being put in the US database.She rings them often and gives me new information every once in awhile.It is just not possible that this is all a lie.

Do you have proof? Why don't *you* ring or contact the proper authorities and check yourself instead of relying on her word?

 

While we're on the subject of "your friend"...

 

Why does this woman need to wait to meet you until after your supposed visa has been arranged and fly back *with you* to the States?

 

If she's that hot to trot about spending time with you then she'd have done so by now. Doesn't it strike you a bit odd that she hasn't? *She* doesn't even *need* a visa to get on a plane and fly from the US to Ireland and visit as a tourist.

 

Why hasn't she done that?

 

Filing visa applications and work permits is expensive. Why would someone you've never even met shell out thousands of dollars for a stranger or be able to use her employer's funds to do so? In the same vein, who's paying for your plane ticket to the States? If it's her, why would she do that? More importantly, why *would you* allow it?

 

Have you spoken to this woman on the phone? Do you have her phone number? Have you checked whether it really belongs to her?

 

How do you know "her cousins" are really just that? And, why would you trust their word either since you don't know them from Adam and if anyone, they're going to be on "your friend's" side, not yours.

 

Have you seen/spoken to this woman on webcam? If not, then insist that you do. You have no idea who you are really talking to and what he/she is up to.

 

What's the name of this company at which you will supposedly work? Have you checked to see if it's legitimate?

 

Have you called the company to see if she really works there? Have you spoken with anyone in their HR office about the position, the status of your paperwork, pay rate, benefits, etc.?

 

I suspect you haven't done any of those things and *she* is the source of all the information you have about what's going on and why. Don't be a fool.

 

I will ask her about the type of visa tonight but I will say that its been mentioned that I can stay as long as I continue to work there.

I don't know what you mean by "I can stay as long as I can continue to work there." The ONLY reason why you would be granted permission to stay in the country and work is because a company was successful in getting you a work permit which no matter what type of visa it is, it *is not* a permanent arrangement. It has to be reviewed, and an extension applied for. "Automatic" renewal is not possible nor guaranteed.

 

As I cautioned you before dacookie, you really need to study up on what's permissible and what's not, and quit relying on this woman as your sole source of information.

 

The whole thing makes no sense and it's likely you're going to end up in a whole lot of trouble. If you want so badly to experience life in the US, get a job, save your money, and come over on a tourist visa with no strings attached to/by anyone.

 

Or, go to university and after you graduate check into a working holiday arrangement. Plans have been afoot to set up one between the US and Ireland and by the time you get your act together it's possible that will be a legitimate and much safer route for you to pursue than believing in what some "friend" you've never even met is telling and promising you which I'm sorry, sounds like a load of s-h-i-t-e to me.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited August 23, 2012 by TMichaels

[dacookie]

Once again I have not spoken to her yet but will just clarify some things.

 

She doesnt need to wait, in fact she has already got some of the vaccines she apparently needs to visit here.She even suggested coming over to see me before the process is complete.

 

It is not her employer, its a friend and they are the ones sponsoring me.She is just giving me a place to stay at.I am the one paying for the flight to go there and she is the one paying for hers to come over here and to go back.She has offered to pay for all my food until I have got settled in there with the job and everything.

 

I have spoken to her on the phone a lot, i have her phone number, we write to each other almost every day, but am currently limiting this now to distance myself.Im only replying when she asks something.We will most likely have a very serious conversation tonight about all of these things in this thread.I have her work email, her personal email, her home address, have heard her grandma and mother talking in the background before when we skyped.

 

I have been to the US 4 times before, I have already experienced it and really like it and want to live there.

 

Can you just clearly list things I should ask her?Here is what I know so far that I should ask: A copy of visa application, type of visa, name of company and outline to her the seriousness of all this and that this is my life in her hands.And just other general things.

[TMichaels]

She doesnt need to wait, in fact she has already got some of the vaccines she apparently needs to visit here.

 

That's bull-crap. She doesn't need any vaccinations to visit Ireland from the U.S. Look it up.

 

She even suggested coming over to see me before the process is complete.

You shouldn't even be considering living with someone on the other side of the world if you haven't met them. Nor should she. The fact that she is willing to should be a red flag. (And, *you* should know better even if you are only 20 yrs-old.)

 

It is not her employer, its a friend and they are the ones sponsoring me.

Who are these people? Why would they do that? What's the name of their company? Have you checked any of that out?

 

She is just giving me a place to stay at... She has offered to pay for all my food until I have got settled in there with the job and everything.

Why? You've "known" each other for six months and never even met in person. Do you not find her "level of generosity" odd?

 

I am the one paying for the flight to go there and she is the one paying for hers to come over here and to go back.

Good, but I'd believe it when I see it. Ask her to come over for a visit *now* and see what she says. (Better yet, see if she shows up.)

 

I have spoken to her on the phone a lot, i have her phone number, we write to each other almost every day, but am currently limiting this now to distance myself.Im only replying when she asks something.

That's lovely, but do you know who the phone number belongs to? Get on the internet and find out. Where does she live? What's her address? Has she told you she owns her house? Does she really? Have you done a background check on her including a criminal history search?

 

Unlike in the UK/EU where much of that information is restricted due to online privacy laws, you can verify that kind of information about people in the US online quite easily and for a modest fee.

 

The fact you *really* know nothing about this woman except what's she's told you should be of concern and spending a few Euro to verify what she's told you is indeed true is a small price to pay for your well-being and sanity.

 

 

We will most likely have a very serious conversation tonight about all of these things in this thread.I have her work email, her personal email, her home address, have heard her grandma and mother talking in the background before when we skyped.

You assume that's who is in the background, but you have no idea if in fact that's the truth.

 

Ask yourself this: Why in heck would anyone be proposing what she has to a complete stranger eight years her junior? And, why would her family think there was nothing wrong with it at all?

 

I have been to the US 4 times before, I have already experienced it and really like it and want to live there.

How many times do I have to tell you this? YOU CANNOT just pick up sticks, move and live in the US because you'd like to.

 

You can visit as a tourist, attend university as a full-time student, get a temporary work permit if you meet certain stringent criteria, or become a permanent resident through marriage or by petitioning to join immediate family members who already are citizens or have their Green Cards.

 

YOU CANNOT JUST MOVE OVER, WORK IN AMERICA AND STAY AS LONG AS YOU LIKE NO MATTER WHAT YOU'VE BEEN TOLD OR WOULD LIKE TO BELIEVE.

 

Can you just clearly list things I should ask her?Here is what I know so far that I should ask: A copy of visa application, type of visa, name of company and outline to her the seriousness of all this and that this is my life in her hands.And just other general things.

You should have thought about and checked all of this out months ago. But it's not too late to do some digging and decide whether she is legit.

 

For starters, I suggest you tell her you'd like to meet her NOW and invite her over for a visit and see what she says to that.

 

If she doesn't take you up on your offer and gives you a bunch of excuses then I would tell her behavior is a deal-breaker, then RUN (don't walk) away as fast as you can.

 

And *don't* let her talk you into coming over to see her (even if she promises to buy your ticket) in lieu of her visiting you in Ireland. I'm sorry, but I think you should be concerned for your safety and by going over *to visit her* you're putting all the cards in her hands and that's just not wise.

 

Let's say *she agrees* to come over and visit. Get her to set a date and see if she's true to her word. If so, spend time with her so you can judge what kind of person she is.

 

In the meantime or after you meet her in person, don't be ashamed to verify what she tells you with external sources and pay attention to how she acts, what she says, and whether her actions match her words.

 

To be honest, even though you say you've been distancing yourself from her I think you're kidding yourself. I think you see her as some sort of "fairy god-mother" who magically has appeared in your life and has the power to give you your dream. You're afraid to ask questions or tempt fate as that will ruin everything.

 

Fair enough, but there's another scenario: That she is full of crap, playing you like a fiddle, and her intentions are not so innocent, generous or chaste.

 

If you're so enamored with the American way of life, then it's time you learned the meaning of this well-worn piece of advice: If it sounds too good to be true, it isn't.

 

And finally, to coin another popular American phrase: The best defense is a good offense.

 

As I said before, DO YOUR HOMEWORK, and don't be so gullible. Get off your butt and get the facts on your own and if they don't add up to what you're being told, then get the heck out of Dodge. Life's too short to be the target of cruel games like that and at your age there's plenty of other fish out there in the sea.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited August 23, 2012 by TMichaels