amaysngrace Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I don't agree. The silent treatment is VERY widely used. And it is abusive, whether it is a reaction to received abuse or not. "Withholding" is very real emotional abuse. Yea but that's the extent of the abuse she is claiming. He gave it to her after she went onto her FB account. But if it's a common occurrence in her relationships...well she is the common denominator.
pteromom Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Yea but that's the extent of the abuse she is claiming. He gave it to her after she went onto her FB account. But if it's a common occurrence in her relationships...well she is the common denominator. I don't see that it's the only abuse she's claiming. He "guilt trips" her. He calls her names. He goes on tirades. Yes, she's the common denominator. But that doesn't change the fact that MANY people use the silent treatment. So I'd say her ACCEPTANCE of the silent treatment is the common denominator. And yes, not insisting that it stop (in some way) is absolutely acceptance. You can't do the same thing and expect different results.
The Way I Am Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I'm really surprised that people don't consider him calling you an "annoying bitchy girl" emotional abuse. Even if he was upset that you weren't paying enough attention to him or said something in a way he doesn't like, there's no excuse to talk to you like that. His ignoring you sounds like emotional manipulation. You're very right in catching these warning signs. I grew up with an abusive father, and the thing I've been told about people who've been abused is that they tend to attract abusive people. It's no coincidence that you find yourself with another one. You need to be healthy yourself before you start attracting and being attracted to healthy men.
pteromom Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I grew up with an abusive father, and the thing I've been told about people who've been abused is that they tend to attract abusive people. THIS is a fact.
amaysngrace Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 THIS is a fact. I agree. But it works both ways. He was attracted to her too.
The Way I Am Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Just read the posts I missed while I was writing my last reply. I agree with pteromom -- except after calling me an "annoying bitchy girl", I'd break up with the current guy and practice the boundary setting after he was gone. I think amaysngrace, you have a point that it does have a lot to do with Valikinz, but it's not as simple as being immature. The dynamics of abuse are definitely in play in the situation you described, Val. You've at least got the tools to recognize the warning signs now, but you don't fully have the tools for how to handle and avoid abusive people. You tried when you confronted him about what he said being rude. But then you fell back into victimization after he gave you the silent treatment in response. When he asked if you were mad, you downplayed what he did instead of sticking up for yourself and demanding and apology. Instead of insisting on respect, you gave him the chance to go at you again and start calling you immature. It's not immature to confront someone after they've called you names.
pteromom Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Just read the posts I missed while I was writing my last reply. I agree with pteromom -- except after calling me an "annoying bitchy girl", I'd break up with the current guy and practice the boundary setting after he was gone. I understand what you are saying, but I don't know that I agree. I think if she is able to set and enforce boundaries within this relationship, she will walk away from it MUCH stronger. - with the disclaimer that if any type of physical abuse occurs or is threatened, she immediately leaves.
InJest Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I disagree with pretty much everyone here, and I have zero sympathy for you in this situation. I pity you for what happened in your first relationship you spoke of, but not this one. I think you actually deserve this treatment from this current guy, since you said yourself, you are able to recognize the signs of abuse as clear as day. I think you deserve this, and will deserve it until you make a choice to change it.
pteromom Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I disagree with pretty much everyone here, and I have zero sympathy for you in this situation. I pity you for what happened in your first relationship you spoke of, but not this one. I think you actually deserve this treatment from this current guy, since you said yourself, you are able to recognize the signs of abuse as clear as day. I think you deserve this, and will deserve it until you make a choice to change it. You sound like someone who has never lived through an abusive relationship. It's VERY easy to say what you are saying looking in from the outside. But abuse does things to you. It makes you doubt your sanity. It makes you doubt your judgment. It makes you worry what you are doing that causes this. It makes you feel guilty. It makes you feel confused. It makes you try so hard to reconcile the gentle man who held you and whispered "I love you" last night with this horrible angry screaming monster yelling obscenities at you today. It erodes your strength and power, and learning to get it back is a process. It's easy to say "I recognize the signs, so I must leave." It's harder to actually leave. 1
The Way I Am Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I understand what you are saying, but I don't know that I agree. I think if she is able to set and enforce boundaries within this relationship, she will walk away from it MUCH stronger. - with the disclaimer that if any type of physical abuse occurs or is threatened, she immediately leaves. Don't misunderstand. I don't think it's necessarily wrong to stay. I see the benefit of staying and learning to stand up for herself. Leaving has the benefit of removing a source of negativity that can hinder building self-esteem. I personally, would rather have a source of negativity gone. In this case, your advice to stay and work on setting boundaries might be the best choice for her since she's so worried about falling into depression at losing the relationship. I disagree with pretty much everyone here, and I have zero sympathy for you in this situation. I pity you for what happened in your first relationship you spoke of, but not this one. I think you actually deserve this treatment from this current guy, since you said yourself, you are able to recognize the signs of abuse as clear as day. I think you deserve this, and will deserve it until you make a choice to change it. I appreciate that not having "dislike" buttons keeps down the drama from people having their feelings hurt, but comments like this really make me wish we had them. 2
InJest Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 You sound like someone who has never lived through an abusive relationship. It's VERY easy to say what you are saying looking in from the outside. But abuse does things to you. It makes you doubt your sanity. It makes you doubt your judgment. It makes you worry what you are doing that causes this. It makes you feel guilty. It makes you feel confused. It makes you try so hard to reconcile the gentle man who held you and whispered "I love you" last night with this horrible angry screaming monster yelling obscenities at you today. It erodes your strength and power, and learning to get it back is a process. It's easy to say "I recognize the signs, so I must leave." It's harder to actually leave. I have never lived through an abusive relationship. My sense of self worth is far too inflated for that. I'm not really concerned with how it's making her feel, and it really doesn't seem to be very confusing for her at all. She seems to have a pretty keen understanding of what is going on. Like I said, I felt sorry for the first time this happened to her. At this stage she is just inviting it, and I still think she deserves it, as long as she allows it. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Shame on the OP. I realize it's harder to leave than to just say you need to leave, but life can be hard, but she needs to grow up.
threebyfate Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Valikinz, no offense intended but what you've described isn't abuse unless calling you names is a consistent pattern of behaviour and guilt tripping is to the level of harassment. Also concerning is your description of how the atmosphere suddenly changed. This sounds more internal than external, causing action (you), reaction (him). Seriously consider therapy, particularly considering your devastating fear of abandonment.
pteromom Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I have never lived through an abusive relationship. My sense of self worth is far too inflated for that. THIS is easy to say too. Abusers are quite keen and manipulative. They know how to reel someone in and slowly turn up the heat on the abuse. You are in a happy relationship and the next thing you know, you are standing there saying "What just happened?" and trying to figure out what you are feeling.
InJest Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 The title of this thread states, My boyfriend is abusive, and I can't turn away. It should read, "My boyfriend is abusive, and I won't turn away." You are absolving the OP of all responsibility for her own happiness. She certainly can turn away, but she refuses to. This is a conscious choice she is making to stay in this situation that she has already been through once. No sympathy here. She knows how this story ends already and she's still playing along. I understand people can change suddenly, but then it is up to you decide if you can accept these changes and act accordingly. She doesn't have kids, property, or anything else tying her to this guy, so I don't see where he quarrel comes in. I always think people deserve what they allow, when they're in easily changeable situations. No matter how tough it is emotionally, there is a very simple fix to this problem. Maybe I'm just an insensitive prick, but I cannot(or will not?) feel sorry for masochists.
Author Valikinz Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 The title of this thread states, My boyfriend is abusive, and I can't turn away. It should read, "My boyfriend is abusive, and I won't turn away." You are absolving the OP of all responsibility for her own happiness. She certainly can turn away, but she refuses to. This is a conscious choice she is making to stay in this situation that she has already been through once. No sympathy here. She knows how this story ends already and she's still playing along. I understand people can change suddenly, but then it is up to you decide if you can accept these changes and act accordingly. She doesn't have kids, property, or anything else tying her to this guy, so I don't see where he quarrel comes in. I always think people deserve what they allow, when they're in easily changeable situations. No matter how tough it is emotionally, there is a very simple fix to this problem. Maybe I'm just an insensitive prick, but I cannot(or will not?) feel sorry for masochists.It's okay, when I was a teenager high on self-entitlement, I used to share all your opinions, and say everything you just did. Then I lived it, and realized it's not as simple as black-and-white. This is why your comments make zero effect on me. Quite obviously you don't understand past the third-party observation, since you are quite incapable of putting yourself - TRULY putting yourself - in the shoes of someone else, and understanding why it's not as easy as black-and-white. When I was a teenager, I also used to say "I'll never be dumb enough to let that happen to me," then I lived it, and I understood why people make the decisions they do. This thread isn't for people like you who quite clearly can't empathize - notice how I'm saying EMPATHY, and not SYMPATHY, because I do not seek your pity, neither now or for my past relationship - so you are quite just a negative force in this thread, and it'd be for the benefit for all women who are in similar shoes that you just, quite frankly, keep your ignorant opinions to yourself. I have no idea how you think you are of any help. Thank you, and bye bye.
Mrlonelyone Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Val. All we are saying is this is your life. If you think you are being abused by a man with whom you have no children, and to whom you are not married; then you are free to walk out. Just take your self respect and walk out. As a woman you will have tons of social support and sympathy. There are battered and abused womens services and shelters in all large US (and probably UK) cities. Take charge of your happiness and walk out if he is abusing you. Otherwise, admit to what so many men on here are thinking....on some level...if a man did not "abuse" you, you would not think of him as relationship material.
amaysngrace Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 It's okay, when I was a teenager high on self-entitlement, I used to share all your opinions, and say everything you just did. Then I lived it, and realized it's not as simple as black-and-white. This is why your comments make zero effect on me. Quite obviously you don't understand past the third-party observation, since you are quite incapable of putting yourself - TRULY putting yourself - in the shoes of someone else, and understanding why it's not as easy as black-and-white. When I was a teenager, I also used to say "I'll never be dumb enough to let that happen to me," then I lived it, and I understood why people make the decisions they do. This thread isn't for people like you who quite clearly can't empathize - notice how I'm saying EMPATHY, and not SYMPATHY, because I do not seek your pity, neither now or for my past relationship - so you are quite just a negative force in this thread, and it'd be for the benefit for all women who are in similar shoes that you just, quite frankly, keep your ignorant opinions to yourself. I have no idea how you think you are of any help. Thank you, and bye bye. See Val...you can defend yourself quite articulately and it's this attitude that makes me question you as being an instigator in certain situations. It would benefit you to stop portraying yourself as a victim for your own convenience. You've maybe played that card one time too many.
FitChick Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 We teach people how to treat us. What is OP teaching her boyfriend?
Author Valikinz Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 (edited) See Val...you can defend yourself quite articulately and it's this attitude that makes me question you as being an instigator in certain situations. It would benefit you to stop portraying yourself as a victim for your own convenience. You've maybe played that card one time too many.It's quite easier when it's a random stranger on the Internet that you know nothing of but the negative comments they shoot at you, than someone you know in real life that you know well in their good and bad, and in their good times, they bring tremendous amount of joy and hope into your world. That is much different than a random Internet stranger, OR even a random person in real life, that you only know for the bad things they mouth off at you. If your best friend did ONE bad thing towards you against a hundred good things, would you really change your opinion of them at once? The Facebook status that he liked earlier today? A random trivial status about my MANICURE. The actual status was, copy-pasted, "One week later, my shellac manicure is still going strong." I think you all misunderstand me on this thread. The thing I fear the most is not being strong enough to deal getting out of this relationship. It's leaving him and succumbing to depression like last time. And the MIND F***. After getting out of my last one, I was dead inside. I felt nothing. I was paranoid, I was having nightmares every night, and my life was just meaningless for the next year. Like I said, I did everything to try to find joy - I picked up hobbies, I worked, I went out with friends - but I just felt so DEAD inside. And the manipulation and trying to get his control over me to go away was horrendous. One of the things my ex used to manipulate me and really ingrain in me was that I was a horrible person, and one of my friends went and blabbed to him about how I had cigarettes, and let me tell you, the lecture he gave me afterwards - let me point out my ex was a chain smoker - was so ingrained in my head. It caused a storm of emotions, ranging from guilt to self-loathing to anger at him and myself. Ironically, it was his anti-smoking lecture and me trying to break free of his control that now has me smoking regularly. I didn't smoke to feel "cool" or for any other social reasons, I smoked because the guilt of not smoking was bigger than smoking. It's harder to explain what was going through my head then now, but I just REMEMBER it was horrendous. I remember being outside in the snow with a cigarette in my hand, with a horrendous feeling of just wanting to dissapear, and make the cigarette in my hand just dissapear, but not being able to, because if I did, I felt I would let him "win" in controlling me. I now smoke half a pack a day, and I'm 20 years old, and it kills me because it was the habit I always swore I'd never pick up. The above is just an example, and a reminder, of the hell I went through inside my head, and how I felt like I was going crazy after my breakup. It is this fear, and going through that hell and barely coming out that has me terrified of leaving my current boyfriend. I don't mind breaking up, but only if I KNOW I can come out with my sanity and power in-tact. If I force myself like I did last time - because last time I literally just pretty much closed my eyes and left my ex-boyfriend coldturkey - and I'm not mentally prepared... well, it's going to be hell. And that, I'm really sorry to say, I can not and refuse to risk. It took me far too long to regain my sanity and sense of self back, only for me to give it back up. I am not scared of pain. As long as I can come out believing - TRULY believing - that I WILL be okay, I would find the strength to get out. But I do not believe it now. I do not believe I will not be okay. You can tell me all you want I'll be okay, but I will not believe it. Edited August 24, 2012 by Valikinz
2sunny Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Take YOUR power back! You shouldn't ALLOW anyone to treat you poorly! Why did you even stay tht night for one second longer? You should have left right then nd there! Get counseling! You need to value yourself! Stay busy! Work and volunteer until you're so tired you don't have time to even think of him! Never, ever settle! Believe in yourself! Do not respond if he calls or texts! Stay too busy to be bothered with that jerk.
robaday Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I dont want to come across as insensitive here, but here goes. A lot of your posts talk about your ex bf, and your experience with him. In fact he probably dominates your post, more than your current boyfriend. It seems almost as if you are "expecting" this guy to be your ex boyfriend.......and you are looking for signs here there and everywhere. Im not saying theyre not there, but how much is the state you are feeling now determined by your experiences with your ex boyfriend? What Im saying is sometimes these things are a self fulfilling prophecy. My ex gf had been abused badly in her first relationship. But sometimes, just sometimes, it felt like she wanted me to be her ex. I remember times shed scream at me and throw objects, and invade my personal space, almost as if she wanted me to hit her.....I never did. But eventually I did become colder, and way more distant. I would at times give the silent treatment because I simply had no way of coping with this extreme range of emotions, and I have a hard time losing my temper, which is great, but sometimes unhealthy too. Guilt trips are soo hard to define - on one level theyre somebody simply expressing disatisfaction, on another they are intended to make you feel bad. Im just saying this because I wonder if your over your first boyfriend. I also wonder if your expectation that this guy turn abusive, has become a self fulfilling prophecy....
Revolver Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Women of all backgrounds and ages stay with guys Who beat them all the Time. I don't feel sorry for them
Mrlonelyone Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Women of all backgrounds and ages stay with guys Who beat them all the Time. I don't feel sorry for them They were born 60 years too late. At a time where this was funny and new they would fit right in. jackie gleason one of these days--POW! - YouTube
pteromom Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 You are absolving the OP of all responsibility for her own happiness. No, I am not. Read my first reply. I give her some very straight advice about how to start making changes for herself. What I am giving her is understanding. I UNDERSTAND how she is in this situation, because I've lived it. Now it is up to her to gain the strength to make changes. It's a process.
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