My boyfriend is abusive... and I can't turn away.

[Valikinz]

Listen to my story, and please try to understand me, and why it is so hard to turn away from him.

 

I've been in an abusive relationship before, but the difference was that I didn't realize that my ex-boyfriend was abusive until after we broke up. It took me many months to come to terms to what had happened, and I learned the signs of abuse, and what happens before, after, and during it.

 

I thought I would never be foolish enough to ever involve myself again in a situation like that, having experienced the tremendous pain that is caused by it, and vowed to better myself and focus on myself. I started to "heal."

 

After a year of depression, I finally felt like I was bettering my life and myself. I found things that made me HAPPY again. Then... I met someone else.

 

This guy was marvelous, and at first, I was super hypersensitive to what both of us did, because I didn't want to fall into the trap of trusting him, and then finding out he wasn't what I thought him to be. If I ever felt tempted to trust him, I'd remind myself of the pain I felt at the hands of my ex, and the fear from that pain is what kept me on my guard all the time.

 

At some point, my heart and need for love and care overpowered me, and I started to... actually fall for this guy. Once I let myself feel the sensation of "love", it was much harder to turn back. I'd yearned feeling like that for someone else again, and having "tasted it", it was harder to stop there. At that point, it was really hard to keep on track with myself and my head and past experiences. It was much, much harder to hold myself back.

 

The signs started to show again. Like my ex, it wasn't blatant things, but small things, that little by little started to escalate. I wasn't dumb enough to ignore the signs these times, especially as they became more prominent, but I was also given a fine taste and huge reminder of why it was also so hard to walk away from my ex-boyfriend when he was also displaying the same traits. The only difference this time was that that I was AWARE of what he was doing.

 

I am aware of abusive relationships and the damage they cause to someone, trust me, I KNOW. But I am also aware it is almost impossibly hard to walk away. Let me try to explain...

 

After I walked out of my first relationship, it took MONTHS before I managed to feel ANY joy in anything in this world. I was in constant pain, and it was excruciating. I actually didn't fully stop caring 100% about my ex until I met this guy and felt what I did for him. The thought of walking away from this guy, and going through that bleak period again, so soon, is horrendous to me. I am not ready to go through that again. I'd be shot straight into a depression and dark period again, after finally climbing out of the dark hole I'd been shot into after my last relationship. It feels like my only two options are leaving him, and going through that crappy period again, or staying with him, and coping with the issues there are.

 

I might be stressed and anxious, but to be honest, this is NOTHING compared to what I'd have to face if I were to leave him. I can not find the strength in myself to leave him. Even with my ex, I didn't have a choice in leaving him; I was literally forced away from him. The pain I suffered post-breakup was like going through hell, and the mere thought of going through that hell again is enough to do anything to keep me from going through it - even staying with this guy, that I know does not respect me or care about me.

 

My worst nightmare is reliving itself, and I feel my stress, worry and anxiety is more about my emotional state after I leave him, than the guy himself. I never thought I'd have to go through this again. I have no idea what to do. The most I've been trying to do and "keeping control" of my sanity is by staying away from him, but my desire and pull towards him eventually gives in, and I see him eventually. I can't stay away from him for long periods, especially when he ALWAYS comes back with apologies and lots of attention and care that feed my internal need for love.

 

I am aware all of this is unhealthy, but I didn't do a good job in recovering and feeling better the first time around, and I really feared ever going through this hellhole again. What can I do? I'm in mental shambles.

Edited August 21, 2012 by Valikinz

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear what's happening to you. I completely understand your fear of the pain of a break-up. I agree with the previous poster that therapy is a good idea. If it is possible to obtain, it will at least offer you some support while you work through things.

 

In what way is your boyfriend being abusive? What is he giving you that you really feel you can't get elsewhere with a kind guy?

 

It's kind of hard to know what to suggest without further information.

 

I've known other intelligent women to end up in abusive relationships that didn't start out like that and I'm wondering how these guys manage to convince astute women that they are so great at first.

[amaysngrace]

You live in fear with him and you have fear of what it will be like without him.

 

Fear controls your life.

 

You have no way of knowing how it will be if you break up with him because last time you had the pain of being rejected.

 

If you take control of the situation by leaving him you will come from a place of power. That feels so much better than having none at all like it was in your other relationship.

 

Get strong and stay strong.

[The Way I Am]

Kudos to you for realizing your previous relationship was abusive and for educating yourself about abuse. The problem is that your brain is wired to associate abuse and love. Humans crave love. Knowing how to spot abusive behavior won't stop you from craving it. You need therapy and a support system to rewire your brain to make healthy associations with love.

[Yookie]

The longer you stay in, the harder it is to leave. You need a strong FOCUS outside of this relationship that will keep you strong and out of depression. For lack of a better word.. you need a LIFE that doesn't involve a man to dictate what you do day to day.

 

Is there anything that you have an interest in outside of the relationship that makes you happy? Focus on THAT to get through the times when you just need to forget about the pain of breakup and move on.

[Valikinz]

You live in fear with him and you have fear of what it will be like without him.

 

Fear controls your life.

 

You have no way of knowing how it will be if you break up with him because last time you had the pain of being rejected.

 

If you take control of the situation by leaving him you will come from a place of power. That feels so much better than having none at all like it was in your other relationship.

 

Get strong and stay strong.

I like to tell myself that too, that last time I came out without power so that's why it wounded me so deeply. This time, I have tried my best to keep hold of my sanity and a grip on reality, because last time it was what I had lost and what took the longest to recover, after I got past the "what the hell just happened" stage (took months to accept the type of person my ex was).

 

As to the question how he is abusive... sorry I didn't go into much detail before, I didn't want to make my OP much longer than it was.

 

I've always tried to keep control of my mental state, make sure I didn't fall into a state of "questioning" myself and everything I did. At first, I was conscious of it all. But like I said, it started really really small... things you normally wouldn't look twice at, and it's not until they "evolve" into something bigger that you pay attention, and look back and realize what those small things meant. I stopped being so cautious, and I decided to give him a chance. So I let myself become vulnerable, little by little (but looking back now, I think I didn't wait as long as I should have - I think my decision to let myself become vulnerable to him was partly due to the fact I was lonely, and was craving the desire to be loved and to care in return, since I'd been stripped of that since my previous relationship). I started to feel for him, and although I tried not to, I built hopes. That, I think, was what killed me.

 

The worst thing that could have affected me were the guilt trips. Subtle at first, and little by little getting more and more serious. I think anyone who tries to "psychologically" read me can tell that guilt is the biggest weapon one can use against me. Even when I KNOW I'm being guilt tripped, one can still manage to sneak their way into my head and manipulate me by guilt. When someone proposes to me that I KNOW is a guilt trip, it still inkles into my head and triggers a horrendous guilt that dominates my every thought. It is either ignore the guilt trip and go on (logically what the "right" thing to do is), or succumb to their manipulation and quench the guilt in my head. Sometimes, the guilt trips would have some "credibility" (or he made me believe there was enough), that it would torment me so bad I'd do whatever possible to stop feeling like I did. They were just so horrible on my conscience. Sometimes, I didn't notice until after the fact that he had just manipulated me using guilt.

 

I can sit here and talk calmly about all this happening to me, and even as I type it, I know there's a black-and-white in a logical sense of view from a third-party not affected by the emotions in it all and that I should "logically" just run away from him as far as I can, but my heart and emotions won't let me. I know if I left him right now, I'd feel tormented by guilt of "abandoning" him, and having wronged him. And he wouldn't lose a chance to tell me how bad of a person I would be acting towards him, by leaving him behind.

 

I know it'd be all manipulation, but a part of my head - that I CAN'T shut up - is always "maybe he's right..." and "he's not completely wrong..." and it just shoots me into a further nightmare in my head that just makes leaving him so much more rougher than just staying with him.

 

My family or friends do not know any of this, and let me tell you I have ZERO intentions of letting them know. It is more of a personal problem in my head that prevents me from telling them, because I know if I did, I'd hate myself so much in my head and resent myself. It's hard to explain this thought process that holds me back from seeking help from those close to me...

[Anela]

I wish that I had some way to make it so that you would love yourself more than you love this man, or any other man like him.

[Valikinz]

I wish that I had some way to make it so that you would love yourself more than you love this man, or any other man like him.

You saying that makes me a little bit sad, to be honest. After my past destructive relationship, I realized I had some confidence issues I needed to work on. This guy I'm with right now wasn't the first guy to try to get with me. The time between him and ex, I had many guys try to have something with me, but I turned many of them away because I knew I'd be prone to falling into something destructive again if my confidence wasn't where I wanted it to be.

 

I never wanted to take a chance with anyone until I was comfortable in my shoes, but then this guy came along, and although I was wary, I was tired of turning everyone away from my life because I feared relationships. I liked this guy, he was good to me. I actually tried, as ironic as it sounds, to get rid of a fear by attempting to be with him. I tried to get rid of my fear of my past relationship repeating itself, and of the fear of thinking of everyone walking into my life as someone who would do me damage.

 

I regret getting into it, and I wish I had just stayed away from this guy like I had the many before, and never convinced myself to "take a risk." It just reminded me that my confidence wasn't where I wanted it to be, and this is what happens when it's not and you get involved with the wrong person. I'm paying dearly for this mistake, trust me, and I wish I had kept my path on focusing on myself than getting with someone else. Now if I leave this guy, I know he'll tear apart part of my self-esteem (what's left of it anyway), and I'll be starting from scratch again. That, to me, breaks my heart more than anything.

[amaysngrace]

The saying goes "it is better to be well alone than sick with somebody else".

 

Nobody can make you feel anything that you won't allow them to. Just because he tries to pull on your heart strings and make you feel guilt doesn't mean you need to allow it. You have a right to happiness before anyone. It's your life and you don't get do overs.

 

I'm not really sure why you feel like he is all that you deserve and why you feel like a bad person just because someone says you are.

 

ARE you a bad person? Just because you want your needs met? First before another's?

 

Do you think that makes you bad?

[darkmoon]

"but my desire and pull towards him eventually gives in, and I see him eventually"

 

please tell me more about exactly what happens with the "desire and pull" - what goes on inside you? i think you rather like feeling passionate and get carried away

 

stop desiring him - get someone else to date

[Valikinz]

I've been trying to address all posts into single posts... don't fret just because I didn't quote you.

 

I'd love to stay and chat more, but this conversation is kind of making me a bit depressed, and I have a long day at work tomorrow... so I'd rather try to do something to take my mind off things before I go sleep, have a non-stressful day at work, and we'll see where I can continue tomorrow... Thanks to everyone for all the replies.

[amaysngrace]

You know what Val? I've been in your shoes. I married an abuser. Had kids with that abuser. Left that abuser. Divorced him and have been raising our kids on my own for the past seven years.

 

Being a survivor is so much nicer than being a victim. But in order to be a survivor you have to take the bull by the horns, so to speak.

 

It's your life...you only got one.

Edited August 21, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted quote

[Greznog]

"but my desire and pull towards him eventually gives in, and I see him eventually"

 

please tell me more about exactly what happens with the "desire and pull" - what goes on inside you? i think you rather like feeling passionate and get carried away

 

stop desiring him - get someone else to date

 

People like her don't have any internal confidence or self worth, all of it comes from external sources. Being in a relationship validates her as a person, hence even if he's abusive she still feels more worthy with him than without him.

 

What she needs to do is eventually leave him and then become happy being alone, you can't be in a healthy relationship if you're lonely, depressed and sad single.

[Valikinz]

Well, another incident... it happened again.

 

He'd had one of his "tantrums" a few days ago where he'd been ignoring me and everything I did. It wasn't until 2 days later that he finally got over it and started talking to me again (I never begged him during his moment of silence to talk to me again, nor did I try to initiate contact). I went over to his place after work, and he was an absolute doll to me. We watched movies, played games, went out and ate, and I stayed the night and we had sex.

 

It was actually a pretty good day, and the day after (yesterday) was my day off work so we spent the day together and he continued being a doll. We had an amazing day together, he was absolutely perfect. Then out of nowhere, I just felt the "mood" change. He was flicking through TV channels on his bed while I was quickly checking my facebook on his laptop, and as I shut down the laptop and turned to look at him, the atmosphere just felt DIFFERENT than it had all day. He didn't say or do anything strange then, but I just FELT a different air.

 

I made to lie down in bed and a few minutes later he turned off the TV without a word and just settled down into bed without a word, turning his back to me. Which was completely antipathic considering he'd been acting different the whole day up till then. I tried to lighten up the mood by being joking towards him, and I tried to get close to him and grab onto his shoulder, but he just told me off and sounded really annoyed about it all. When I asked him what was up, he snapped at me, and said he'd "appreciate it" if I stopped being an "annoying bitchy girl." I was really taken aback at how he said that to me, but I knew I couldn't let a comment like that just go without saying anything, so I made a remark about that being a rude thing to say to me. He just completely ignored me, kept his back to me, and didn't say anything.

 

I went into panic mode then, because when he starts acting like that, it's when the situation completely slips out of my control. I hate feeling like I can't do anything to improve a situation or I have zero control over it, so I was freaking out in my head. I guess he could sense this, because after like 5 minutes he flipped around and asked me if I was mad at him. I said no, I just found what he said to be rude. He made a hugely exasperated sound and started going off about how immature I was, how I was making a big deal out of nothing, etc etc. After he finished his tirade, he turned his back to me and didn't say anything else for the rest of the night.

 

At some point I guess I ended up falling asleep, but I was completely feeling the panic and loss-of-control over the situation. I had no idea what to do. When morning came, I got up before he woke up and left for work. I came directly home after work, and I've been here since.

 

He hasn't called me or bothered trying to message me or anything, but I know sometime tomorrow or the day after he'll do it and act like nothing happened. If I DARE bring up the past incident, he'll get angry and will just stop talking to me.

 

I hate it when he does this crap. My ex used to do the exact same **** of being a sweetheart one minute, and the next minute just completely cold. What causes people to do this? Why do they do this? What goes through their head? How could they cause this to someone and not feel anything of it?

 

I know it's exasperating to all outsiders to see me putting myself through this, and obviously I should "leave him" so he doesn't pull these stunts with me, but it's much harder than that. When I broke up with my ex, who used to act the exact same ****ing way, I went through a huge period of depression. I literally tried to get my **** together and focus my life on myself. I swear to God I did try, and I tried my best to focus on myself and give my life some meaning. I picked up hobbies, I exercised, I took some classes, I went out with my friends more, I made NEW friends, I tried to surround myself with people who were positive in my life, and I NEVER ONCE contacted my ex. I did all the "right" things by the book. Even if most of the time I felt no life in anything I did, I still forced myself to do it because the only other alternative was soaking in my grief and self-pity in my room while listening to sad songs and watching sad movies. I swear to you, I DID try.

 

So why am I stuck in this routine again? Why is it happening to me again? How can I just "leave him", knowing if I leave him, he'll take any possibly joy I have in my life with him, and I'll be just as miserable as I was first-time around? What does it matter if "time heals all wounds" if the same type of injury keeps being inflicted on me, just by different people? What did I do wrong first time around? Why did I get stuck in this again?

 

How could I leave him, knowing my only other choice is being miserable and alone yet again? I'll feel even more empty if I leave him. I complain about my boyfriend being an abusive and manipulative dick, but part of me likes it MUCH BETTER than just going back to my sad and joyless period I was in before him. I guess people like me is why they say girls like *******s.

 

I try to cope by thinking, it's okay I'm young, this isn't serious and I'll get over it one way or another, there will be much more serious things to worry over when I'm older (I'm only 20). I have a career to look forward to, and many more things. This will mean nothing in the long-run, so I'm wasting my time and energy worrying.

 

I feel hopeless. I know I should feel better about myself, but I swear to God, it was my biggest fear to get stuck in this situation again, and I tried EVERYTHING to prevent it. I promise you I DID. What am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me?

Edited August 23, 2012 by Valikinz

[Valikinz]

accidentally double posted, sorry

[Mrlonelyone]

Please excuse my ignorance. It reads to me like he tried to spend a quiet chilled out nite at home with you.

 

You had the rite idea before you met him. You are in no shape to be in a relationship right now. Leave him, it would do both of you a favor. Then just be single for two or three years until you really see that life goes on just fine without a man in it.

[amaysngrace]

You say the last two relationships you've had, both guys gave you the silent treatment?

 

I hate to say this but if this is the reaction more than one person has, it probably has more to do with you than them.

 

You say you don't like feeling out of control? The silent treatment is a reaction one takes when they've been feeling the same way. Maybe you hurt his feelings by ignoring him and going on Facebook? Maybe you got in a mood and it shut him down?

 

It could be that your approach to warming him back up was insensitive? I don't know...I wasn't there...but these are things you should think about because the problem seems like it might be you.

 

If you want to work on your relationship you need to have open communication with him and be aware of your tone. If you come off as being ready to argue you may send him into another one of his "moods".

 

I'm shocked that you call this abusive though. While giving the silent treatment can often be considered abuse, at times it can also be used as a shield for being abused.

[FitChick]

You both sound very immature. If you want to save the relationship go for couples counseling where they teach you how to communicate. Otherwise, leave him and get your act together.

[Valikinz]

Well... here's an update. I've been at work all day, but he "liked" one of my Facebook posts earlier this morning. Let me point out he NEVER bothers to check anything on Facebook, ever, let alone comment or like anything. He hasn't talked to me since snapping at me that night, and I haven't talked to him either. The most contact I've gotten from him since is that Facebook like.

 

Trying to keep calm and stress free, but in reality I'm just waiting for him to get over his anger and reach out for me...

[Valikinz]

You both sound very immature. If you want to save the relationship go for couples counseling where they teach you how to communicate. Otherwise, leave him and get your act together.

I actually have tried very hard to communicate with him since the start... I even told him when we first started dating that open communication was valuable to me. If I try to have an open discussion, he gets mad at me for "making a big deal", or he feigns doing anything wrong, getting mad instead at me "accusing." It's extremely frustrating on his end.

 

I'd confided in one of my friends about him before, and he found out and went mental over me talking to other people about him. That we didn't need tried parry intervention and I was obviously too immature to talkdirectly to him. Yet when I TRY to talk to him, he blows me off and doesn't TRY at all.

 

I don't know what the hell he wants because everything I do is wrong in is eyes.

[pteromom]

I know he'll tear apart part of my self-esteem (what's left of it anyway), and I'll be starting from scratch again. That, to me, breaks my heart more than anything.

 

That's not the way it works. You don't start from scratch. Your wounds turn to scars, and as long as you don't keep picking at them and let them heal, your scars turn to wisdom.

 

You are never starting over. You are constantly evolving and growing.

 

He has no power to tear your self-esteem from you unless you give it to him. YOU are in control of your choices. YOU are in control of your strength. YOU are in control of your fate.

 

You didn't learn the right lesson the first time, so you are being given the opportunity again. And it truly is an opportunity.

 

BUT - don't break up with him yet (unless he is physically abusive.)

 

Step 1 is to create and enforce boundaries for yourself. It is your choice what those boundaries are. Such as: I will NOT be called names. So - if he calls you a name, such as "annoying bitchy girl", you get up and walk out. Just LEAVE. Doesn't matter if you just go for a walk, or your friend's house or the mall. Just go. If he texts/calls you, ignore it. Then when you go back, you say, VERY calmly and non-emotionally: "I am no longer accepting being called names. When you call me a name, I will leave."

 

Another boundary - I will make my own choices and will not allow his influence or "guilt trips" to make me change my mind. Note: This is different than normal relationship negotiations. So if you say "I'm going to my friend's house." and he says "Oh sure, you would rather hang out with her than me!" or some other guilt trip, it's ok to reassure him, but not ok to change your plans. So give him a hug and say "Awwww, I'll be back in a few hours. I love you." and continue doing what you are doing. EVEN IF you are riddled with guilt inside.

 

Anyway, do some reading on creating boundaries in relationships, and create some for yourself.

 

Lastly, whenever he "guilt trips" you.... ask yourself "Have I done anything wrong to feel guilty about?" If yes, apologize. If no, realize that the problem is HIS, not yours.

 

You will get stronger. And as you create boundaries and gain strength, one of two things will happen. He will either realize you are no longer accepting his abuse and he will work on changing it, OR he will ramp up the abuse. In which case, you will leave.

[pteromom]

I don't know what the hell he wants because everything I do is wrong in is eyes.

 

Work on yourself and don't even worry about doing anything to try to please or change him.

[amaysngrace]

So what did you post on Facebook that he "liked"?

[pteromom]

You say the last two relationships you've had, both guys gave you the silent treatment?

 

I hate to say this but if this is the reaction more than one person has, it probably has more to do with you than them.

 

I don't agree. The silent treatment is VERY widely used.

 

And it is abusive, whether it is a reaction to received abuse or not. "Withholding" is very real emotional abuse.

[pteromom]

My ex used to do the exact same **** of being a sweetheart one minute, and the next minute just completely cold. What causes people to do this? Why do they do this? What goes through their head? How could they cause this to someone and not feel anything of it?

 

Could be immaturity.

Could be Borderline Personality Disorder.

Could be selfishness.

Could be a lack of empathy.

Could be a form of manipulation.

 

Rather than focus on their motivation, focus on your reaction. After all, it's the only part of the equation that you control.