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I can't stand my daughters bf


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Posted

Hi all

 

My daughter has been going out with a guy she met online for 7 months. This is one issue as I am shocked to think her self esteem was sooo low that she needed a website to find a partner to start with.

 

We have had battles upon battles about this relationship as she was dishonest and disrespectful about it from the start. She goes and stays at his parents house for days on end but I have said there will be NO staying here. She has a younger sibling and I don't want him getting the wrong idea.

 

The thing that I can't stand is that no matter how hard we try to be nice to him this boy will NOT give us an inch. He is deathly shy and sooooooo boring. My girl is (or was) a beautiful, animated, fun girl and I see her cutting herself off from everyone just to be with him.

 

They talk/text ALL day and if not then on computer and she will ignore or stop everything else just to answer him. We have invited him to partys etc at our place and he always has some excuse including HER birthday. She cried and was upset all the morning of her birthday about it but forgave him straight away.

 

That's part of the story !! Any comments:p

  • Like 1
Posted

Help us out, what age is your daughter?

Posted

Second Balzac's question. Very important piece of information, that.

 

If she is below 18 and you feel he isn't actually harmful to her (as opposed to just 'not being worthy' of a girl like her), IMO the best way forward would be to allow her to make her own mistakes, just with clear boundaries in place. You are mixing the issues of her disregarding your rules and him just being 'shy and boring'. The former is what you should be focusing on and not the latter. You can't judge how 'boring' someone is, especially in your capacity as her mother. You don't know what he's like when he's actually talking to her.

 

If she's above 18, just leave them alone. You can set rules for what is and isn't allowed within the bounds of your house, but that should be it, since there is nothing actually bad or abusive going on.

  • Like 5
Posted
Hi all

 

My daughter has been going out with a guy she met online for 7 months. This is one issue as I am shocked to think her self esteem was sooo low that she needed a website to find a partner to start with.

 

We have had battles upon battles about this relationship as she was dishonest and disrespectful about it from the start. She goes and stays at his parents house for days on end but I have said there will be NO staying here. She has a younger sibling and I don't want him getting the wrong idea.

 

The thing that I can't stand is that no matter how hard we try to be nice to him this boy will NOT give us an inch. He is deathly shy and sooooooo boring. My girl is (or was) a beautiful, animated, fun girl and I see her cutting herself off from everyone just to be with him.

 

They talk/text ALL day and if not then on computer and she will ignore or stop everything else just to answer him. We have invited him to partys etc at our place and he always has some excuse including HER birthday. She cried and was upset all the morning of her birthday about it but forgave him straight away.

 

That's part of the story !! Any comments:p

 

I can relate to the boy. Google "social anxiety"; I was like your daughter, before I developed the anxiety. Maybe if you try to understand him, rather than writing him off as "shy and boring," and you show that you are, she'll open up to you eventually.

 

Plenty of people find their partners online, and they don't have problems with self-esteem. This boy may find it easier to communicate over the internet (at first), so she was able to get to know him in a way that she might not have otherwise.

  • Like 3
  • Author
Posted

My daughter is 20yr old. Her bf is 23. I feel awful to seem so judgemental but I was trying to be honest about my feelings. I have cried and cried about this because its so upsetting to me. I don't want my daughter to be like me and just fall for the first guy that shows any interest regardless of what the future holds. Its so easy to stick those rose coloured glasses to your head and become oblivious to the world. I have done it and I am paying for it now and so are my kids. We have money problems and family problems and all sorts of issues because I didn't think about and try and imagine the future. I do hate being told that I need to leave them alone when every inch of me wants to scream and shake her and say "STOP" !!! I have imagined the future with this guy as my soninlaw and cannot see it. He just would never fit in to our family .. we are very social... big parties, lots of friends, bein stupid and having fun. I have been nothing but nice and even tried to gently coax a conversation and a laugh out of him but he just gives NOTHING :(... It makes me sad

  • Author
Posted

Can I also add that my daughter has a great relationshipp with their whole family but we don't even know him or his family at all and doesn't look like that's gonna happen anytime soon :(.... It does make me a little jealous only because I want to like him sooooo much and welcome him. :(

Posted

You need to start disentangling yourself from your desire to control your daughter's life. I have no doubt that you love her, but she is 20, for chrissakes. She needs to be able to live her own life and make her own mistakes and choose her own path. This is her life you're talking about, not how well her bf would fit in in family dinner parties in the future.

  • Like 5
Posted
This is one issue as I am shocked to think her self esteem was sooo low that she needed a website to find a partner to start with.

 

Thats pretty harsh.

 

In the world 20 somethings live in, online dating is normal, not a sign of low self esteem.

 

Many people on this board met people online, including myself. I met my husband online, we have a child together and are both normal people with healthy self esteems.

  • Like 3
Posted (edited)

"He is deathly shy and sooooooo boring"

"No staying here"

 

he keeps out of your way cuz of what you think of him

including her birthday; he spent it separate to avoid you

i don't blame him

Edited by darkmoon
  • Like 5
Posted

To some extent you are right OP, but your initial message was filled with a lot of anger, and it seemed not to come from worrying about your daughter having a child this early.

It seemed to come from entitlement ... 'my daughter deserves better than this loser'.

 

Social anxiety is real, i had it and still have it ... not to the level that this guy has it.

He either has it at a big level, or he is also somewhat social hypsersensitive [they are intertwined in some ppl], so he is bound to take any form of rejection incredibly hard.

Walked past my 2 girls in HS, heard either my name or a similar word being spoken. Avoided them for a long time because i thought they disliked me, spent the first few days after the 'incident' trying to imagine what they hated about me.

 

What else do you know of this guy ?

Posted
My daughter is 20yr old. Her bf is 23. I feel awful to seem so judgemental but I was trying to be honest about my feelings. I have cried and cried about this because its so upsetting to me. I don't want my daughter to be like me and just fall for the first guy that shows any interest regardless of what the future holds. Its so easy to stick those rose coloured glasses to your head and become oblivious to the world. I have done it and I am paying for it now and so are my kids. We have money problems and family problems and all sorts of issues because I didn't think about and try and imagine the future. I do hate being told that I need to leave them alone when every inch of me wants to scream and shake her and say "STOP" !!! I have imagined the future with this guy as my soninlaw and cannot see it. He just would never fit in to our family .. we are very social... big parties, lots of friends, bein stupid and having fun. I have been nothing but nice and even tried to gently coax a conversation and a laugh out of him but he just gives NOTHING :(... It makes me sad

You are jealous, thats all. Its normal to have those "rose coloured glasses" when you are young. Thats how families are made. Without them your daughter will eventualy turn into an old childless spinister, afraid of all men, lonely, unhappy, spitting venom at each and everybody. Thats what future holds. Is that what you wish her? You have to leave them alone. If she stops because you wish so, she will become unhappy. Its her life, not yours. The future will come without you imagining it. And the fact that you have financial problems is no way the boys fault. Or your ex-mans fault. Divorce and live your own life if he is not worth, don't drag past along. Proved: I also had my "rose coloured glasses", got 2 wonderful children, now grownups, divorced after the "rose coloured glasses" fell off, earn my own money, live and let live, no problem. Don't mess your life with your daughter's life. They will have their own friends and parties. Without you, if you keep this attitude.

Posted (edited)

Odd to read that your daughter of twenty is living in your home. At that age I would expect her to be in college, a distance from home, working away from home for the summer or in summer school. At twenty-three I'd think BF would have completed his undergrad. Yet you make no mentions of education.

 

What strikes me about your descriptions of BF is that the very traits and skill set generally thought required to be a successful "provider" for your daughter, never mentioned. Many a young scientist, age 23, entering graduate school, could easily fit your description.

 

I'm a guy, not a mom, but worrying about permanence at ages 20/23 seems like folly. Surely your daughter is using a 99% effective method of contraceptive. At age 23 I'd expect the young man to have at minimum 4-5 years before thoughts of marriage enter his reality.

 

I believe you are putting too much focus on him as permanent. Interesting read though.

Edited by Balzac
Posted

Oh, no, I meant to add that I do somewhat understand. If it seems like your daughter is losing herself, then it's understandable. I wasn't offended. :)

 

I don't know what to say, because I would smile and try; I'd avoid people, if I thought that I would just be sitting there and making them uncomfortable.

 

My daughter is 20yr old. Her bf is 23. I feel awful to seem so judgemental but I was trying to be honest about my feelings. I have cried and cried about this because its so upsetting to me. I don't want my daughter to be like me and just fall for the first guy that shows any interest regardless of what the future holds. Its so easy to stick those rose coloured glasses to your head and become oblivious to the world. I have done it and I am paying for it now and so are my kids. We have money problems and family problems and all sorts of issues because I didn't think about and try and imagine the future. I do hate being told that I need to leave them alone when every inch of me wants to scream and shake her and say "STOP" !!! I have imagined the future with this guy as my soninlaw and cannot see it. He just would never fit in to our family .. we are very social... big parties, lots of friends, bein stupid and having fun. I have been nothing but nice and even tried to gently coax a conversation and a laugh out of him but he just gives NOTHING :(... It makes me sad
Posted
My daughter is 20yr old. Her bf is 23. I feel awful to seem so judgemental but I was trying to be honest about my feelings. I have cried and cried about this because its so upsetting to me. I don't want my daughter to be like me and just fall for the first guy that shows any interest regardless of what the future holds. Its so easy to stick those rose coloured glasses to your head and become oblivious to the world. I have done it and I am paying for it now and so are my kids. We have money problems and family problems and all sorts of issues because I didn't think about and try and imagine the future. I do hate being told that I need to leave them alone when every inch of me wants to scream and shake her and say "STOP" !!! I have imagined the future with this guy as my soninlaw and cannot see it. He just would never fit in to our family .. we are very social... big parties, lots of friends, bein stupid and having fun. I have been nothing but nice and even tried to gently coax a conversation and a laugh out of him but he just gives NOTHING :(... It makes me sad

 

I think you are being very controlling and you make him nervous as I can't imagine you make much of a secret about it.

 

Your daughter is 20, she has the right to have a boyfriend. YOu should be grateful that he treats her well and is so good to her. Do you know how many loudmouth, 'outgoing', douche-y 23 year-olds are out there who would cheat on her just because a lot of guys at that age don't know any better? I think you need a wake up call lady, you need to reflect on what your real issue is with this guy. At your age some kind of maturity and understanding of how human beings come in all shapes and forms would be expected. If you keep judging your daughter and her boyfriend, you will make her life a misery and she will spend more and more time away from you.

 

Rose-tinted glasses are the right of the youth by the way, who do you think you are?

  • Like 4
Posted

Seriously, thank God for web sites, or pathetic little me would never have gotten a boyfriend. I recognized my first boyfriend from a class we shared on MySpace - we started talking there, then immediately met in person the following week. I talked to my current boyfriend (and future husband) for a year on-line before we met in person.

 

The world has changed. Meeting partners on-line doesn't make them 'pathetic' - it makes dating EFFICIENT. I could sit and talk to multiple guys on the Internet at once, weeding out the losers before ever having to go face-to-face. I think it's just the smart way to meet.

 

You've got a classic case of projection going on here. And every excuse you've had about your daughter's boyfriend is pitiful - he's too boring? Too quiet? And you're concerned that he won't fit into the family? With that kind of attitude toward him - which I'd imagine you've barely disguised - he won't fit into the family because he'll always feel uncomfortable and unwelcome.

 

I have a rowdy, big parties type of family too - and while I'm not as excessive as my family is, I have a more gregarious personality. My boyfriend, however, is very shy and quiet. There are a few others who have married into the family who are like that, and they are made to feel welcome and loved. There are enough clowns to go around - sometimes you just need an audience.

 

They've only been dating for 7 months, so they're likely still in the puppy dog phase - so it's not surprising she's spending a lot of time with him. Is this her first relationship (I get the impression it is)? Were you just unprepared for the competition with her time (i.e., suddenly now she's devoting several hours a week to her boyfriend)?

 

She may or may not wind up with him. But it is her choice and her decision to make. I'm marrying a guy many would deem 'quiet' and 'boring.' But he's not like that with me, for starters. Even if he were - is that the worst possible thing that a partner could be?

 

It sounds like you wound up with a bad egg your first time around, and now you're terrified of the same happening to your daughter. Just because it's her first relationship doesn't mean it's going to be a bad relationship. I know of a few folks who dated their first partner, and are now happily married to that person 10, 20 or more years later.

 

It's unlikely that most people marry their first partners, but not all.

 

What you need to do, OP, is drop this nonsense against him. You need to apologize to your daughter. Then, you need to apologize to her boyfriend. I'm sure that your behavior has been obvious to them. Then, I think you need to make efforts at getting to know him - by asking him open-ended questions ("What do your parents do for a living? Can you tell me about any interesting vacations you've had over the years?").

 

If you make the effort to get to know him and start breaking the ice - converse with him, even start telling him more about your own life - you may find that you grow to love the idea of him someday marrying your daughter.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted

Wow... I wasn't expecting responses quite like this. Although I did post this thread to get some constructive criticism about this situation as I don't have many people to talk to about this. I tried to be absolutely as honest as I could about my feelings to this end.

 

My daughter lives at home because she has no job and cant financially support herself. She finished her studies last year.

 

You are all right to some extent and I do agree that I am feeling jealous and hurt because I wasn't prepared. It all happened so quickly. I am also jealous when she tells me of the meal his mum cooked or what his family are doing etc cos his family are at least getting a chance to get to know MY daughter whereas we know ZIP about him or his family :(

 

I did not mean to offend anyone about the online dating comment. I didn't call anyone a "loser" I don't think. :( It was simply my opinion for MY daughter and HER situation. I wouldn't judge others as I don't know their personalities or circumstances.

 

I can promise you that in NO WAY have I made her bf feel uncomfortable. He works away for two weeks out of three and when he is back and comes to pick her up I try to be so welcoming and friendly. I try to make conversation with him (gently) and all I ever get is one-word answers or grunts.

 

Its a bit unfair that a lot of you have judged me as making him uncomfortable and not hiding my feelings and that this is why he is scared. I have even introduced him to my friends who have been here on the occasion he has been picking her up and tried to ask him advice on a problem with my car etc. I understand him being shy etc ... but so am I to some extent.

 

I feel anxious now when he comes over because I am thinking that maybe my daughter talks about us and he has a false impression. I feel like I have to make a good impression on him coz I don't want him to not like me and my daughter then be resentful towards me. I wanted him to think we are a nice welcoming loving family and this is causing me anxiety now when I am around him. But I keep trying more and more when he comes so he feels comfortable but I am human and its getting hard to deal with now.

 

Who do I think I am??? Just a mum that wants the best for her daughter which isn't a crime last time a checked. I am not vocalising this to her or her bf just seeking advice from people who aren't close to the situation.

 

I am not married to a loser but my life has been very challenging and I have been around the corners that she can't see around so it would be remiss of me as a protector to not let her know what can happen.

 

I am a good person and a loving mum and I just want to make sure she is happy. I have said to her as long as she is happy I am happy and I haven't told her any of my other feelings. That's why I came here for advice.

  • Author
Posted

P.S "Darkmoon" they had only recently started going out when it was her birthday and I think that is mean to say that he wanted to avoid me when he didn't even know me we had only met him ONCE at that stage. I was upset for her because she was so excited that he was coming and then he made up some lame excuse at the last minute.

Posted

While others have covered the most probable central factors (social challenges, no matter how much of a princess mom might envision her daughter to be)... I don't sense that anybody has given fair consideration to the CHANCE that we're not getting a full, fair picture of 'mom', or at least 'mom, as the daughter sees her'.

If daughter is avoiding bringing the boyfriend around for any in-depth bonding, there could be a reason why she leans the other way.

 

The internet, when used to its fullest potential for dating, is NOT the tool with which you chat with somebody online for 45 minutes, discover you each go to the same coffee shop every Tuesday, and then deem it wise to leap up off the chair and rush to meet there in 15 minutes. Instead you allow yourself to make/share some sort of an investment in one another, ideally before meeting, and in part so that upon arrival you each know what to talk about that is central to the life of the other.

 

SO, it is most likely that daughter (and especially if she isn't working, without too much social life going on at present) just employed whatever means were available to continue to socialize even while she couldn't afford to go out partying (or whatever). Via this exercise (in avoiding going stir-crazy) she did find an avenue through which she began to share mutual 'investment' with this now-boyfriend... and it's fine that she did.

 

Furthermore, we already know why she was dishonest and disrespectful about the relationship... because she KNEW mom would carry-on exactly like THIS if the truth came out. No daughter needs that sort of combative sideshow in her life when she is wanting to socialize just like everybody else, no matter her limited means.

 

Times are tough for a lot of people, and yet they still want to share the social connections as humans have for centuries.

 

Everybody knows that the best advice to parents in situations such as that you perceive yourself to be in is to not rock the boat any further, and if the mate is as lousy as you say, then the child will realize it and drop him/her in due time.

Posted

If you want to get to know him, maybe you could ask your daughter to arrange an activity that you could all do together (a day trip, or some activity they enjoy together). Do something that is on neutral territory or his turf, so that he feels more comfortable.

 

Focus on telling her your concerns: you miss her, and you want to get to know him.

  • Like 5
  • Author
Posted

I am even more depressed than before... as I said earlier I was honest about my feelings of the situation in order to get some advice and it feels like I have been pounced on by a mob a angry lions.

 

I am trying to work out my feelings out of love for my daughter so that she is happy and I can perhaps be happy. I know that my feelings about the situation are not necessarily acceptable. THAT IS WHAT I WAS ASKING ADVICE ABOUT !!!

 

Everyone is saying that my daughter didn't bring him home because of me or that my attitude has made him uncomfortable etc... I haven't given anyone any reason to believe that I would react in anyway that was unacceptable. I am a caring loving person and I cannot for the life of me be rude or abrupt to ANYONE. I have not given my daughter any cause to be worried about bringing him into our home.

 

I would give anything to have him come here and feel comfortable .. the only rule I have in place is that he wont be spending the night here and I have the right to say that as its MY house. We encourage her to invite him to functions and picnics etc and he always has an excuse.

 

I understand it is her choice but I needed support and advice about how I am to cope with MY feelings to be ok with it all.

 

I didn't expect a character assassination :(:(:(:(:(

Posted

lionqueen,

 

We here cannot know all of the little nuances and things which you see in the mirror every day.

 

That we are merely inspiring you to think, or to open your thoughts to new and different angles, should not be equated to being pounced on by angry lions (note: I've been watching "Big Cat Diary" a lot lately - and I think I can sense a clear difference here).

 

 

You are clearly someone who likely knows that the book of Hoyle on this would tell you to keep your dislike of your daughter's boyfriend to yourself, while secretly hoping she will see the light on her own. You are not doing that, so you must have impulses which are likely fanning the flames rather than doing you any good.

 

Observe that your daughter isn't likely swimming in social spending money, and that her human mind which craves interaction with other human minds its own age has improvised in such a way where she could do just that.

 

It is also quite possible that because she was caused by economic factors, and not you, to find the social path of least resistance, she DID indeed encounter a guy whose own social confidence IS limited, and who, for such reasons, first evolved to online socializing and then, more boldly than is his norm, shared invested feelings with your daughter.

 

SO, he could still BE that socially hesitant/awkward guy, and you have to admit (to yourself at least) that it alone is not a terminal flaw in somebody.

 

 

To review... you have an adult, 20yo daughter, who met a man in a chatroom (he is "23" and not 47 {or 67!!} )... and each may be filling an important 'place' to the other right now.

 

Could it be that you've SOMEhow hinted to your daughter that youuuuuuuu wouldn't be too keen on any child of yours meeting a dating partner on Craigslist or Backpage or in an internet chatroom or dating site? If so, from that, is it possible that she conveyed such a belief to the boyfriend, who only aggravates his own social fears with that potential understanding about you???

 

 

What would your daughter do all day, if she's not working, and IF the internet weren't available to her? Just because a young adult is flat broke (for example) her interest in guys and her liking for all of the things that money used-to/would buy her doesn't just evaporate.

 

SOME of her having met and dated this guy is the product of her own life having slowed-down, for reasons not of her or your origin.

 

No matter how many million thoughts I lay out here, you simply have to derive the motivation to let the relationship run its course without your attempting to hurry it along. And you KNOW very well WHY you do that... because in many cases the alternative becomes you and the daughter getting in a HUGE FIGHT, and her CHOOSING THE GUY over you!!!

 

Now with that as a worst-case scenario, why wouldn't you be opting for the opposite path in the immediate term?

 

 

If you want to share some valuable detail, why not explain how she was "dishonest and disrespectful" about the relationship in the beginning?

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

OP, you sound like my mum -_- You parents are all the same, no matter the country...sigh.

 

All I can say is, no wonder your daughter behaves like this, I can totally relate.

My parents are divorced and they used to quarrel a lot so since then my mum had only 1 rlship for a few years and when it failed, she sort of closed herself off from any possibilities to meet someone new, and I can see in her attitude how much she resents men. This unfortunately affects the things she tells me and her attitude towards my partners. Not to mention that we have completely different opinions in 95% of the things so her idea of 'an ideal bf' for me is completely different from mine so I guess I'm doomed and we'll be fighting all our lives about it. She didn't like my first bf, with who I was for 4 long years and I bet she would get furious if she got to know I have an LDR bf now, of different race and different country. That's why I won't tell her anything, unless me and him decide to marry or something. I'm simply saving myself trouble cause I know if she got to know, she wouldn't leave me alone - she would nag and yell for MONTHS, EVERY SINGLE day and I'd hear all the ugly and disrespectful things about him, she would do everything to make me leave him. So I'm not surprised how your daugther behaves. Oh btw, I started to laugh when I read your line 'I am shocked to think her self esteem was sooo low that she needed a website to find a partner to start with' - seriously? LOL. You parents just don't understand this is one of normal ways of meeting people nowadays, nothing wrong with it.

 

Also, I behaved in the same way at the beginning of my first rlship, I wanted to keep my bf away from home cause I simply didn't want my mum to butt in and start to make judgements about him (which of course happened as soon as I started to bring him into our house, so I was right), this is juts very frustrating to deal with. And I want a happy, peaceful life with my bf.

 

She is also saying things like you, 'I dont want you to make the same mistake, blahblah', alright I can understand her concern but it doesnt mean at all that she knows what's best for me and it doesn't mean she can dictate me what to do with my life. Sheeesh.

Edited by blugirl
Posted (edited)
While others have covered the most probable central factors (social challenges, no matter how much of a princess mom might envision her daughter to be)... I don't sense that anybody has given fair consideration to the CHANCE that we're not getting a full, fair picture of 'mom', or at least 'mom, as the daughter sees her'.

If daughter is avoiding bringing the boyfriend around for any in-depth bonding, there could be a reason why she leans the other way.

 

The internet, when used to its fullest potential for dating, is NOT the tool with which you chat with somebody online for 45 minutes, discover you each go to the same coffee shop every Tuesday, and then deem it wise to leap up off the chair and rush to meet there in 15 minutes. Instead you allow yourself to make/share some sort of an investment in one another, ideally before meeting, and in part so that upon arrival you each know what to talk about that is central to the life of the other.

 

SO, it is most likely that daughter (and especially if she isn't working, without too much social life going on at present) just employed whatever means were available to continue to socialize even while she couldn't afford to go out partying (or whatever). Via this exercise (in avoiding going stir-crazy) she did find an avenue through which she began to share mutual 'investment' with this now-boyfriend... and it's fine that she did.

 

Furthermore, we already know why she was dishonest and disrespectful about the relationship... because she KNEW mom would carry-on exactly like THIS if the truth came out. No daughter needs that sort of combative sideshow in her life when she is wanting to socialize just like everybody else, no matter her limited means.

 

Times are tough for a lot of people, and yet they still want to share the social connections as humans have for centuries.

 

Everybody knows that the best advice to parents in situations such as that you perceive yourself to be in is to not rock the boat any further, and if the mate is as lousy as you say, then the child will realize it and drop him/her in due time.

 

I think you're reading a bit much into the situation.

 

She might be feeling a bit smothered; I also think that she has such strong feelings for this boy, that she is choosing him over her family, because that's what so many people do when they are in love (or think that they're in love). She wants to spend time with him, she wants him to be comfortable, so she goes wherever he goes.

 

I can't stand my sister's boyfriend (with good reason), and she's now 35. I knew, years ago, that I had to step back; my mother is in the land of pretending that she likes him, but I won't be forced into dealing with him, when he has hurt me, and in the past, used me to hurt her. She built her life around him, had been thinking about going to college on the west coast, but now denies ever wanting that (she didn't go, partially because of him). I was nice to him, until he really crossed a line.

 

I have dealt with social anxiety for years, and no matter how nice someone is to you, it takes a while for the anxiety to calm. I don't think that she is intentionally making him uncomfortable - although he might be sensing what she's feeling. I see the awkwardness in others, they don't know what to do with someone who is so quiet (most people, anyhow). I remember the family of my dad's friend, seemed to breath a huge sigh of relief when the topic of conversation turned to something that I was interested in, and I joined in a little bit.

 

This is another situation where I can see both sides. If he's dealing with a strong level of anxiety, then I know how he feels. I also see why lionqueen is upset, if she thinks that this guy is negatively affecting her daughter. Anyone would be upset at that. She doesn't know the full extent of their relationship, she can only do the best she can to show her daughter that she wants to make him feel comfortable, that she's trying to find some common ground with him and wants to know him, and hope that her daughter will talk to her about things, if she needs to (eventually).

 

People will be dishonest about a situation, if they know that it would bother someone (like their mother). I'm going on the assumption that he's socially anxious, since she mentioned that he's very shy, but we don't know that he isn't a controlling <expletive>; something that lionqueen is afraid of? That could easily be me reading too much into the situation. She's there, I'm not. It doesn't sound like he's making much of an effort here.

Edited by Anela
  • Author
Posted

thank you !! Finally someone who's not going to metaphorically bash me !!.

 

I AM making an effort to know him. I AM trying to make him comfortable. You mentioned she wants to go where he goes...in seven months they have been to the pictures twice just the two of them and stayed the weekend in a Resort hotel (where they stayed in the room watching TV and ordered pizza in... my daughter actually said she preferred to go away with ME cos it was so boring). The rest of the time they stay at his house in his room (single bed) and watch tv :(

 

That's up to her I know but I am just trying to explain the situation. If he is dealing with social anxiety I am sorry for him.. I have it to a certain extent also. But that is not the point.

 

She tells me that I am not nice etc and it just isn't true and I desperately want her to have a normal relationship with all of us together.

 

Also, since meeting him her ambition to travel and live in Europe for 6 - 12 months.... Out the window. In fact every plan she had evaporated and when I asked her about it I got my head bitten off.

 

She is supposedly happy but she is always unhappy even when we all try to be funny etc

 

Do you really blame me as a mum for being concerned?? :rolleyes:

Posted
(where they stayed in the room watching TV and ordered pizza in... my daughter actually said she preferred to go away with ME cos it was so boring).

 

 

When that happens enough times she will dump him

 

Also, since meeting him her ambition to travel and live in Europe for 6 - 12 months.... Out the window. In fact every plan she had evaporated and when I asked her about it I got my head bitten off.

 

 

She will have to learn along with everyone else what should be priority in her life and what shouldn't. Maybe it was only bravado? Lots of people talk about things they will never do.

 

She should be allowed to make her mistakes, it's her life

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