lionqueen Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Hi all I am new on here but would like to see if i can get any advice on my situation. My husband and I have become quite distant although the reason is unclear. Many things have happened in the past 3 years that could have caused it and if anyone can help me figure it out I would appreciate it. About 3 yrs ago my husband got very very ill. Through it all I was by his bedside and my kids were shocked and terrified of losing their dad. After his long recovery we had issues with money and still do. Most concerning to me is that he has now become sooo distant. Gone is the affection, gone is the "i love you" at the end of the phone or at night. He goes to work, comes home, eats and goes to sleep on the couch. I try to wake him but I normally wake up alone ... We were soooo in love and although I have put on weight and gotten very busy I would give anything for my kids to see how we used to be. Any advice?????
Author lionqueen Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 Is it me??? how can i fix stuff when i am scared to talk to him.. i just don't know how to talk to him anymore its like he's a stranger
sb129 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I think you need to put this in the Marriage and Life Partnerships section, you'll probably get more answers. Has it occurred to you that your marriage may be impacting on your daughters dating behaviour?
KathyM Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 It's possible he's depressed. If he had a serious medical issue a few years ago, and financial trouble after that because of the illness, he could be struggling with a lot of stress and turning his anxiety inwards and closing himself off from you. Or it could be that if you've become extremely busy with other things and no longer have much time for him and the marriage, he is feeling neglected. I don't know if your weight would be a cause of his turning away from you, but if you've gained substantial weight in the last couple of years, that could be bothering him. You need to ask him about this change in behavior. Tell him you've noticed he seems distant lately, and you're wondering if something is bothering him, and you'd like to talk about it. That's the only way you're going to find out what's bothering him is by talking it out. Otherwise, you're just guessing. You can't be afraid to talk to your own husband. Communication is so important in a marriage, and that is one of the big things that keeps a couple emotionally close. Ask him about this. 2
pteromom Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Have you tried talking to HIM? Not in a way that would make him defensive, but in a "I would love affection" kind of way. What does he say? What reason does he give? It could be anything. Could be his libido went away when he got ill. Could be stress over financial worry. Could be depression. Could be that he's just complacent. Could be an affair. Could be his illness and your role as caretaker changed the dynamics of your relationship. The only way to know is to talk to him.
Author lionqueen Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 Everytime I think of talking to him I don't quite know how to start or when is a good time. He snaps my head off sometimes and others it seems that he wants to talk so I broach the subject and he ends up getting upset. Its like to him my feelings are unimportant now. He used to get upset that he made me upset about something. Now he gets angry and tells me I am too sensitive etc. I am truly scared of being rejected if I talk to him and it paralyses me into not doing anything. We haven't been out together for over two years just the two of us and the last time we did go out we didn't know what to say to each other and it was just awkward. Is my marriage over???? or is their hope
MuscleCarFan Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Everytime I think of talking to him I don't quite know how to start or when is a good time. He snaps my head off sometimes and others it seems that he wants to talk so I broach the subject and he ends up getting upset. Its like to him my feelings are unimportant now. He used to get upset that he made me upset about something. Now he gets angry and tells me I am too sensitive etc. I am truly scared of being rejected if I talk to him and it paralyses me into not doing anything. We haven't been out together for over two years just the two of us and the last time we did go out we didn't know what to say to each other and it was just awkward. Is my marriage over???? or is their hope Try marriage counseling together.
Author lionqueen Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 SB129 ... I have no doubt that this impacts on my daughters behaviour but how many things can I handle at once. As I have said I am NOT controlling my daughter.. she comes and goes as she pleases, does nothing to help around the house, gets meals provided, a roof over her head etc ... I don't control her !! I don't control anyone.... All I want is to get back my life.. the way it was when I felt loved and valued. I don't at all anymore and I have cried so much about it I can't cry anymore. I lost my mum less than a year ago very suddenly and I was soo close to her and I miss her coz I have NO-ONE to talk to. So I come on here to get advice only to be attacked and told I am a control-freak etc. While my husband is sleeping on the couch everynight I just sit and watch him sleep and feel miserabe cos MY self-esteem is sooooo low, I am terrified to talk to my own husband in case he rejects me too. I feel like I have lost so much lately that it would break me. I have a 10yr old son too and I want him to know happiness and how it was as well. Now come on!! I am fully expecting someone to call me a crybaby or creepy cos I watch my husband sleeping ... WOW.. talk about low
belkin2 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Sorry to hear of your struggles. Seems we would all just be guessing throwing things out there as possible reasons your husband is acting this way. I echo the communication thing, but it doesn't sound like he is interested in doing so in a mutual way. Perhaps he needs help first before you guys will be able to work on anything together. Instead of pointing out issues maybe you can simply ask him if he is happy. If he can admit that he is not it might be a step towards getting him to open up to counseling.
pteromom Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Everytime I think of talking to him I don't quite know how to start or when is a good time. He snaps my head off sometimes and others it seems that he wants to talk so I broach the subject and he ends up getting upset. Maybe a letter? Write him a letter that focuses on how YOU feel. (alone, unloved, undesired.) DO NOT accuse him of ANYTHING. Make it a plea to help you solve a problem. Tell him you want the romance and spark back in your marriage, and ask him what you can do to get it back. Maybe even have a friend read the letter to ensure there is nothing in it that would make him retreat into defensive mode. Then give it to him and wait for a response. He's either going to be open to fixing things or he isn't. As far as the "low" posters on here - please remember that in general, the people who come here are facing some type of relationship struggles. So they relate your situation to your own and say what they would have loved to say to their own spouse/partner/ex. Don't take it personally. Take the advice you agree with, and leave the rest.
Author lionqueen Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 Thank you for your kindness... I had thought of the letter myself although I feel like a silly kid doing it. It makes me sad that I can't bring myself to talk to him about my feelings. Maybe I don't feel deserving of love. Could my self-esteem have dropped soooo low that I don't believe I am worth of a happy, loving relationship??? Then again maybe writing the letter would be at the very least therapeutic for me?
belkin2 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Thank you for your kindness... I had thought of the letter myself although I feel like a silly kid doing it. It makes me sad that I can't bring myself to talk to him about my feelings. Maybe I don't feel deserving of love. Could my self-esteem have dropped soooo low that I don't believe I am worth of a happy, loving relationship??? Then again maybe writing the letter would be at the very least therapeutic for me? I recently heard a quote that has become my personal mantra. Perhaps it can help you too. "Get comfortable with being uncomfortable" In some sense you already are since you are living with a lot of hurt, but you need to break out of the comfort of saying or doing nothing to minimize your feelings being hurt further. It won't feel comfortable, but doing nothing will never change your situation. It sucks and it hurts and often even when both parties start trying to work together it gets even harder before it gets better, but rest assured that if you make excuses and never face these fears of trying to communicate this situation will not change on its own. Everyone deserves happiness, but those who do nothing will receive nothing. 2
pteromom Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Thank you for your kindness... I had thought of the letter myself although I feel like a silly kid doing it. It makes me sad that I can't bring myself to talk to him about my feelings. Maybe I don't feel deserving of love. Could my self-esteem have dropped soooo low that I don't believe I am worth of a happy, loving relationship??? Then again maybe writing the letter would be at the very least therapeutic for me? But from what you've said, you HAVE tried to talk to him. And he either shuts you down or gets angry. So you haven't been able to share all you are feeling. You can sit around wondering if your self-esteem is low, or worrying what's wrong with him, or wondering if you are normal, or... you can take action to make a change. You aren't happy with the way things are, so it isn't that much of a risk to try SOMETHING to make yourself heard. Once he knows how you feel, his response will be a clue as to whether you should try to fix things or walk away.
Author lionqueen Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 You are right .. it is probably worth trying to talk to him as you say it can only gleen a perspective as to where he is at !!
Author lionqueen Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 So ok, help me with this one please. My husband enjoys playing the guitar and having singalongs. Yesterday my father was rushed to hospital with a suspected heartattack. Background: I lost my darling mum in November and Dad had two heartattacks and surgery last year also. It turned out ok and Dad is home now but... the whole day left me drained physically and emotionally and I had a massive headache. My husband says to me "you wanna play the guitar tonight?" ... I explained I had a headache and wasn't really in the mood. His response: Well, fine I am going to lie on the couch and if I fall asleep don't f***ing bother waking me up !!!! So, now he knows I am upset that he doesn't wish to sleep with me and he has turned it into a punishment. What do I do???
Author lionqueen Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 So because of events of the day and frustration built up over time i exploded tonight and tried to tell my H about what I was feeling. My daughter also had to add in as she has been really upset about his behaviour. Well, I get told... why don't you get a job, and a tirade about what I do that he doesn't like and then he went to the couch and lay down and went to sleep!!! Ugh... why doesnt he care !!!!!!
CarrieT Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 Ugh... why doesnt he care !!!!!! Maybe it is the fact that you "exploded" and didn't just sit down and have a normal, calm conversation with him about all the issues at hand. I'm not pointing fingers, but for many people, they shut out and shut down when being yelled at. Personally, I don't listen and maybe he doesn't really know how difficult it is for you right now. He may or may not care, but without a calm discussion about all the issues, you really don't know what is going on in his brain.
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