Tips on how to keep her mentally stimulated, entertained, interested???

[dextm]

It's been 2 strong months (exclusively dating, but not LTR yet) and things are still going well between us but I feel like I might be running out of gas very soon. NO excuses...but I work full time and train for volleyball competitively a couple times a week. I barely have time to make my own dinner and zero time to watch tv or play video games. By the time I come home, eat, shower, talk to the "gf", it's past midnight already, I'm tired, and I need to sleep and wake up @ 6AM the next morning.

 

What does she want? Mental stimulation, entertainment. Of course her favourite line is "Entertain me!!!" I mean I can do that by talking about things that happened during my day or just random observations, but sometimes there's just nothing to talk about. Even when we're together, I sometimes just want to enjoy her presence, hold her, rather than talk for 5 hours straight about nothing in particular.

 

Don't get me wrong, I love talking to her, and she loves talking to me, but it's obvious she loves talking more than me. And I'll admit she's better. My question is... what can I do to keep her mentally stimulated, "entertained"? How can I improve?

[ScienceGal]

Does she ever bring up topics that you feel you have nothing to talk about?

Do you know that she needs deeper conversation than you or are you just nervous?

 

I have been most attracted to men that have a lot going for them. And no, I don't mean money, I mean life interests and activities. You work full time and play volleyball, what else do you like/do? IMO, having a sense of who you are and just talking about that is good enough at this stage of the game. You should both be talking about light stuff like work and hobbies/interests and getting to know each other. You should be talking about books or movies, or where you liked to travel someday. You should be learning each others favorite color and favorite foods. And, you should just be happy and flirty and carefree.

 

If that's not good enough for her, then so be it. But, don't stress 2 months in about keeping her mentally stimulated, just be yourself.

[ja123]

"Even when we're together, I sometimes just want to enjoy her presence, hold her, rather than talk for 5 hours straight about nothing in particular."

 

Tell her that ^

 

It seems to me that a relationship shouldn't be that much "work": like you have to be "on" all the time. You, too, may not have the same rhythm and so may not be suited.

 

Why not try not entertaining her and see how that feels. See if you can be comfortable together in the silence.

[phineas]

"entertain me"

Who says that?

 

Is she intelligent?

What does she want to talk about?

[rocketman122]

but it's obvious she loves talking more than me.

 

Thats a good thing in my book. if she didnt talk that would make me feel awkward. if a woman is not a talker then I have a problem because Im the strong silent type sometimes. but what you can do is be a great listener. have all your attention on her. Im a great listener and remember details so if it comes up again, it will show that I care.

 

what can I do to keep her mentally stimulated, "entertained"? How can I improve?

 

its good you have the will to make things better but I think youre trying to hard. its not a chore and shouldnt be such a labor to talk to someone you like.

 

 

I'd let this one go.

some people give some bad advice here..dont take this one. 2 months isnt a lot of time for a relationship. you should have a lot of things to talk about. keep trickling info from her (since she's the talker) and add your part in relation to that.

[pinkie]

Ask her to entertain YOU....

 

Just explain to her that you are physically and mentally exhausted sometimes and may not be able to 'entertain'.

 

To me, she sounds a bit selfish and thoughtless about who/what you're about and all that it entails. It also sounds to me that you really don't have time for a 'gf' at this juncture in your life...? Does she have one? (a life of her own)

 

Set boundaries, take 2 days off a week from her to 'recharge'. Otherwise, it could go downhill pretty quick. If she's high maintenance, it doesn't sound like she's the one for you. Goodluck!

[2.50 a gallon]

Women are big on talking, so much so, in general they have a far larger vocabulary than we men.

 

I regret to say, but in all likelyhood if you want this relationship to flower you are going to have to find a way to give her more of your time. And as the relationship grows you are going to have to find even more time

 

You can't expect her to put her life on hold while you are off doing your thing, eventually another guy who can give her more of his time will come into her life and you will be history. And you will hear the old "You had your chance" line

[dextm]

Does she ever bring up topics that you feel you have nothing to talk about?

Do you know that she needs deeper conversation than you or are you just nervous?

 

No, because majority of the time I'm able to chime in...unless it's something strictly girl-related.

 

She needs deeper conversation because she told me that's what attracted her in the first place (after we went on a couple dates). She needs someone with enough IQ and mental stimulation to keep up with her and I don't mean that in any condescending way (otherwise I wouldn't be dating her). I on the other hand welcome this challenge.

 

I have been most attracted to men that have a lot going for them. And no, I don't mean money, I mean life interests and activities. You work full time and play volleyball, what else do you like/do? IMO, having a sense of who you are and just talking about that is good enough at this stage of the game. You should both be talking about light stuff like work and hobbies/interests and getting to know each other. You should be talking about books or movies, or where you liked to travel someday. You should be learning each others favorite color and favorite foods. And, you should just be happy and flirty and carefree.

 

If that's not good enough for her, then so be it. But, don't stress 2 months in about keeping her mentally stimulated, just be yourself.

 

We probably did all of that within the first 2 weeks of seeing each other. IMO we talked too much in the beginning... two 10+ hour dates where we pretty much interrogated each other and then several long 4-6 hour phone chats after.....

 

"Even when we're together, I sometimes just want to enjoy her presence, hold her, rather than talk for 5 hours straight about nothing in particular."

 

Tell her that ^

 

It seems to me that a relationship shouldn't be that much "work": like you have to be "on" all the time. You, too, may not have the same rhythm and so may not be suited.

 

Why not try not entertaining her and see how that feels. See if you can be comfortable together in the silence.

 

I agree everything should feel natural and everyone should act natural.

 

Entertain her in what kind of way? She hates silence. Whenever I'm silent, she ALWAYS asks me "What are you thinking of?"

 

"entertain me"

Who says that?

 

Is she intelligent?

What does she want to talk about?

 

Someone that's bored? She's fairly intelligent I would say. Has a dominant male side, a logical thinker when it comes to solving puzzles or explaining processes, but very illogical when it comes to relationship talk. She wants to talk about anything...anything that is interesting, thought-provoking, or funny I guess. Random stories, funny experiences, I've told her many.

 

but it's obvious she loves talking more than me.

 

Thats a good thing in my book. if she didnt talk that would make me feel awkward. if a woman is not a talker then I have a problem because Im the strong silent type sometimes. but what you can do is be a great listener. have all your attention on her. Im a great listener and remember details so if it comes up again, it will show that I care.

 

I can be a great listener, but I know she wants more than just a listener. She needs someone that is strongly opinionated, someone who is extreme on one end of the spectrum. Me? I'm more of the neutral/balance type. I want the best of both worlds and I want everything. That's why it pisses her off when she asks me some random question and I pick the most logical, balanced answer...it's because she can't profile me into some certain category

 

I'd let this one go.

some people give some bad advice here..dont take this one. 2 months isnt a lot of time for a relationship. you should have a lot of things to talk about. keep trickling info from her (since she's the talker) and add your part in relation to that.

 

She's a talker but never talks about herself. I still don't know her age and where she works. Even her closest friends and parents don't know... so you see it's pretty hard to talk to a "brick wall". I've tried many different methods to extract this info but I get thwarted every time. She's private and well guarded. But we somehow find other things to talk about.

 

Ask her to entertain YOU....

 

Just explain to her that you are physically and mentally exhausted sometimes and may not be able to 'entertain'.

 

To me, she sounds a bit selfish and thoughtless about who/what you're about and all that it entails. It also sounds to me that you really don't have time for a 'gf' at this juncture in your life...? Does she have one? (a life of her own)

 

Set boundaries, take 2 days off a week from her to 'recharge'. Otherwise, it could go downhill pretty quick. If she's high maintenance, it doesn't sound like she's the one for you. Goodluck!

 

I have time for a 'gf' and if I don't I will make time for one. Same for her. We both have busy lives even though she has more "free time" than me. I live a bit of a more structured life because of full time work and extracurricular commitments whereas she's more of a free spirit.

 

We're already calling each other less because I expressed my need to get more sleep. Occasionally the rule is broken but for the most part I've gotten more sleep. I could definitely get more though.

[dextm]

Women are big on talking, so much so, in general they have a far larger vocabulary than we men.

 

Agreed.

 

I regret to say, but in all likelyhood if you want this relationship to flower you are going to have to find a way to give her more of your time. And as the relationship grows you are going to have to find even more time

 

You can't expect her to put her life on hold while you are off doing your thing, eventually another guy who can give her more of his time will come into her life and you will be history. And you will hear the old "You had your chance" line

That's not the issue here. My apologies for failing to explain my situation properly.

 

Here's a rough estimation of our timeline spanning 8 weeks:

 

Weeks 1-2 - Saw each other twice, talked on phone 2-3 times

Weeks 3-4 - Saw each other twice, talked on phone 5-6 times

Weeks 5-6 - Saw each other 3-4 times, talked on phone almost everyday

Weeks 7-8 (current) - Saw each other 5 times, incl. Fri-Sat-Sun last week, talked on phone almost everyday

 

As you can see from our progression, time investment is not the issue. Because I'll go as far as to say this - I've invested slightly more time, energy, effort into this relationship than she has thus far. But that's alright with me. A guy needs to chase a girl just enough to keep her interested, but not cross the boundary and seem dependent, attached, clingy.

 

My issue is, what can I do to keep her constantly engaged, interested, stimulated when we're together? What do we talk about when there's nothing to talk about?

[Almond_Joy]

Agreed.

 

Here's a rough estimation of our timeline spanning 8 weeks:

 

Weeks 1-2 - Saw each other twice, talked on phone 2-3 times

Weeks 3-4 - Saw each other twice, talked on phone 5-6 times

Weeks 5-6 - Saw each other 3-4 times, talked on phone almost everyday

Weeks 7-8 (current) - Saw each other 5 times, incl. Fri-Sat-Sun last week, talked on phone almost everyday

 

 

 

My issue is, what can I do to keep her constantly engaged, interested, stimulated when we're together? What do we talk about when there's nothing to talk about?

 

From this info, and her entertain me remark, I'd suggest it's safe for you to just maintain your current level of engagement and let her figure out how to satiate her need to discuss things in other ways - friends, reading, discussion forums, meeting new people.

 

I'm very much like your gf, and my bf is very much like you. Not so busy, but more of a reactive conversationalist than a conversation initiator.

 

I found that the more time you spend talking in the beginning, the less you really have to talk about later on. There aren't always going to be engaging mental concepts or issues to discuss, and if there are, it doesn't mean your partner's up for that kind of talk all the time. It takes a lot of mental energy for those kinds of discussions, and not everyone wants to expend their energy that way on a regular basis. I found it more helpful to respect that difference in my bf instead of egging him on to satiate my need to converse all the time.

 

Just my perspective - it's not your job to entertain her, and that's kind of an unfair expectation of you considering your schedule. I mean you guys put in A LOT of talk time already. I can't imagine having something engaging to discuss every night of the week after that interaction schedule, and I think it's better when you don't need that kind of discussion with a person to be happy to spend time with them.

 

I don't know how you can convey that to her - maybe just not really respond? That's kind of rude, though....

 

I think my bf used to say "I haven't thought much about {said topic}, so I don't really have an opinion on it." Something along those lines. If it's something that interested him he'll revisit it later. If not, I can find someone else to have a discussion on the topic with.

 

 

Hope this perspective helps.

[Almond_Joy]

Totally missed this post before responding.

 

We probably did all of that within the first 2 weeks of seeing each other. IMO we talked too much in the beginning... two 10+ hour dates where we pretty much interrogated each other and then several long 4-6 hour phone chats after.....

 

....yeah, it's not logical of her to expect you guys to keep that kind of pace all the time.

 

Entertain her in what kind of way? She hates silence. Whenever I'm silent, she ALWAYS asks me "What are you thinking of?"

 

Kind of a red flag, if she can't be quiet for a couple minutes.

 

 

She's a talker but never talks about herself. I still don't know her age and where she works. Even her closest friends and parents don't know... so you see it's pretty hard to talk to a "brick wall". I've tried many different methods to extract this info but I get thwarted every time. She's private and well guarded. But we somehow find other things to talk about.

 

She gets to be private about her life and motivations while picking your brain? Sounds pretty unfair to me.

 

I really think she needs to be willing to share more about herself. I mean two months and she still hasn't shared her age? Doe she know this stuff about you? Whether she does or doesn't, that's a red flag to me.

 

 

I can be a great listener, but I know she wants more than just a listener. She needs someone that is strongly opinionated, someone who is extreme on one end of the spectrum. Me? I'm more of the neutral/balance type. I want the best of both worlds and I want everything. That's why it pisses her off when she asks me some random question and I pick the most logical, balanced answer...it's because she can't profile me into some certain category.

 

Sorry, but this really makes it sound like she's bent on establishing control by pumping you for information while withholding some info herself.

 

My bf's opinions don't have to be extreme or passionate, but I prefer him to have an opinion than none at all. I prefer the balanced perspective also, and find that it does irritate people more often than not .

[SoleMate]

Tips on how to keep her mentally stimulated, entertained, interested???

When I first read this I leapt to the assumption that you were talking about a new puppy you had adopted! But I see now that the question relates to a human female. OK, couple of thoughts for you:

 

1) To be a great romantic/loving/***** partner, read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. Basically, his data-driven point is that people stay with the person who meets their emotional needs. Job #1 is to find out what those needs are....not to leap to the assumption that her primary needs are for mental stimulation and entertainment. Those are not the typical top emotional needs of women (of course, everyone is an individual).

 

2) It's good to work at a r/s (see point 1 above), but something about your letter made me wonder if you were planning to work almost TOO hard. Being phony does not result in a r/s that is stable over the long term.

 

Bottom line: Learn her most important emotional needs, and do a great job meeting them while continuing to be your authentic self.

 

You're welcome.