denkyu Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 First time poster so go easy on me And sorry for the long post. So I've been in a relationship with this guy for the past 3 years or so. He's really great and we get along, he takes care of me and we both have similar interests (nerdy/geeky stuff). I'm 25 and he's 39. The age difference has bothered me but I just chalked it up to me tending to over-think things. He says age is just a number and that as long as we love each other then it doesn't matter. I care about him and I love him. The thing is he's my first really serious relationship other than short dating spurts and one-night stands. I love him in the sense that I have no other relationship to compare it too. I'm currently a student and plan to move away in a year or so (job opportunities in my field aren't as good where we currently live). We talked about doing the long distance thing for a while before he eventually moves to me. Here's the thing. From the start our relationship was not equal financially. He has supported me through school, I lived with him free of rent, he bought me things, and he would always pay when we ate out. We went through a whole house buying process together and have been living together for about a year and a half. I didn't pay for anything but went through the whole mortgage/realtor/decision making process. He calls it 'our' home. I told him numerous times that I felt guilty and that I thought it was uncomfortable for me that it wasn't an 'equal' relationship. I asked him if he thought it might be better if he found someone more his age, financially stable and in the same 'place' in life. He said it was all in my head and that I was over thinking things. He asked me if I were in his position and capable of supporting him would I do the same thing? I honestly answered yes I would because I loved him. So that was that. I don't know. Apart from the age-difference, on the outside we seem fine. We like the same things, rarely fight, are able to communicate well... but lately I've been starting to have doubts. I took a 5 week trip abroad to visit my aging grandparents (he encouraged me to go and paid for it) and went out with friends. I guess I miss that part of my life. I saw an old friend that I started having feelings for and realized, if I had the chance I would date him. That got me thinking, what does that say about my feelings for my current boyfriend? Things back home sort of became domestic. Stable but domestic. He says that's normal. That a long term relationship takes work and the fun sparks are only at the start. That its normal to be attracted to other people. To be committed to a LTR takes work. I've started having doubts. I don't know if I'm ready to settle down. The thing is, I love him so much that the thought of hurting him just kills me. He's had a hard life and I was there to support him after his sister died. I don't want to hurt him but I'm afraid that when I move in a year I'll just end up falling for a guy and hurting him even more. That and the guilt I'm having that he's given so much to me, supported me financially, formed social groups with friends, my siblings and family like him... the whole situation is just making me feel like I'm throwing a perfectly good, potentially happy relationship away and that I'm being selfish for wanting something more that may not really exist... Anyway, I'm confused and kind of a mess at the moment. Hoping someone can offer their 2 cents.
MyHeartTakesOver Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Honestly? You'll end it and wish you hadn't. You clearly love this man but maybe feel the need to be young. I have been here (my partner was 20 years older than me) and it can be worked with, especially if your partner is understanding. Understand that a loving relationship isn't a dozen a dime and this guy sounds like he treats you very well. I'd be very reluctant to end it if I were you. Don't believe me? Check out some of these forums and compare your relationship with some of ours... 1
TaraMaiden Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 ...... I took a 5 week trip abroad to visit my aging grandparents (he encouraged me to go and paid for it) and went out with friends. I guess I miss that part of my life. I saw an old friend that I started having feelings for and realized, if I had the chance I would date him. That got me thinking, what does that say about my feelings for my current boyfriend? Things back home sort of became domestic. Stable but domestic. He says that's normal. That a long term relationship takes work and the fun sparks are only at the start. That its normal to be attracted to other people. To be committed to a LTR takes work. I've started having doubts. I don't know if I'm ready to settle down. The entire prequel to this post - which I haven't included, is largely irrelevant. What really blares out, is the bolded part. And it wouldn't matter what the prequel was - this is what it hinges on. The thing is, I love him so much that the thought of hurting him just kills me. He's had a hard life and I was there to support him after his sister died. I don't want to hurt him but I'm afraid that when I move in a year I'll just end up falling for a guy and hurting him even more. That and the guilt I'm having that he's given so much to me, supported me financially, formed social groups with friends, my siblings and family like him... the whole situation is just making me feel like I'm throwing a perfectly good, potentially happy relationship away and that I'm being selfish for wanting something more that may not really exist... Anyway, I'm confused and kind of a mess at the moment. Hoping someone can offer their 2 cents. There's a lot of sympathy feeding the love here, and I can see an awful lot of other emotion mingled in with the love. but again - the bolded part is the real clincher.... isn't it? that's what's known as GIGS. Grass Is Greener Syndrome. remember, as someone said on this forum - even if the grass is greener, it still needs care and maintenance. Really, you seem to have fallen for a wonderful man here. Think very, very carefully before dispensing with something that seems to be extremely wonderful for.... what, exactly? Trust me when I tell you - what on the face of things, seems staid and settled - is worth its weight in gold. treasure it - it's rare. 1
Author denkyu Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 I guess I left a few things out. I moved back in with my parents (this happened last Saturday) while I look for a new apartment. He said I needed to get this out of my system and the sooner I do this the better. Like I mentioned, he supports me in a lot of ways (not just emotionally but financially) so I'm wondering whether I'm confusing "love", with "comfort". I've become used to things and am wondering whether a part of me is just staying with him because I'm comfortable and/or I don't want to hurt him-- in which case, I don't think that's fair to him. My biggest worry is that I'll just fall for some guy down the line and hurt him even more. That, like the poster above mentioned, the Grass is Greener syndrome. Since I moved out it seems as if a weight has been lifted and that I'm free. I know this may contradict what I said above but its been fluctuating (probably because its only been a few days). I've been going from I miss him terribly and want to be with him to a weight has been lifted. I'm afraid this says something about how I truly feel about him and that we'd be better off breaking now then down the line and me hurting him more. I don't want to hurt him but I guess I don't trust myself to be the right guy for him down the line Another thing I left out was that we've been in an open relationship for the past year or so. Our rule is one-night stands are OK but dating and relationships are not. A part of me wants to date and see whats out there-- like I said, he's my first really serious relationship. I "love" him but I don't think I trust myself to know what "love" is since he's really the only person I've been in such a serious relationship with. The open relationship was more for my benefit than his. He didn't want me to feel like I was missing out on anything. Geez the more I write the more I think like I'm throwing something special away cuz he's so understanding... I don't want to abuse his sensitivity with my selfishness/stupid young guy's libido Aarrgh! doesn't the fact that I'm having these doubts 3 years down the line say something about how I feel about him? My parents said that with time you're supposed to grow more sure, not become more doubtful/have the same doubts... I may be over thinking things...
Pod81 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 As someone that's been a victim of GIGS, please don't take a "break" from your boyfriend. Either stay in the relationship or break it off completely. Personally, I'd choose the latter since once you begin doubting the relationship, it's damn near impossible to fix the relationship without a *significant* amount of time and soul searching. Nothing is worse than being strung along with false hope while you're flip-flopping between the two choices - especially if you do care for him.
Bazamu Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Damn, one night stands and financially set and loves you. You would be a fool to throw that away. 2
MyHeartTakesOver Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 (edited) This set up was so like my own in many ways. The thing you have to remember is that you have natural drives when you are our age, he understands that and wants you to work with it. That youthful Will to Independence isn't incompatible with being in a loving relationship. You're looking at the relationship as something that's holding you back. It isn't. The feeling that a weight has been lifted is a temporary assertion of Self; read no more into it than that. Again, I'd be very reluctant to end it; he sounds like the kind of man you wouldn't replace in a longtime. If in spite of all this you do decide to end it, please pass his mobile number and star sign onto me... Edited August 21, 2012 by MyHeartTakesOver 2
Author denkyu Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 Wow. Its almost like you can read my mind-- like you understand where I'm coming from. Your sense of Self comment in particular I think hit the nail on the head. You all have been very helpful and I appreciate everyone's frank, honest comments. I told him to give me 2 weeks to sort through all my feelings for him and he was OK with that. I made sure he understood how much I appreciated his patience and understanding and that it was important to me that he knew that I was seriously reflecting on the situation, my feelings for him and my commitment to the relationship. Although I've pretty much decided at this point that I'm just being really stupid, I think I should wait out the 2 weeks just in case. If anything, the experience will be something I can look back on if I ever have these doubts again as a reference to how I truly feel about him. Again, thanks for everyone's frank comments. I have a lot more soul searching and self-reflection ahead of me but I believe its for the best and it will (hopefully) work out in the end. 1
MyHeartTakesOver Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I've been there. Lots. Gay relationships with older men are something of a specialist area All relationships are a balancing act. You have your own self identity with it's wants, desires, likes and dislikes and they have theirs. That's especially hard in the early 20s when identity is forming. Take the time you need to yourself, do the things you like and get in touch with who you are. But... Don't let this man go. He loves you and you love him. That's reason enough. The fact that he understands you, is being trusting and loving with you and that you feel you can be honest with him all tell me this is something special. Promise me something? Come back and check in with us before making any major changes.
soccerrprp Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Sounds like the age difference does make a difference. You are both in different places in terms of life experiences.
CarrieT Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I am a dissenter from MyHeartTakesOver. I don't think you have given yourself an opportunity to date and fully explore your own life before attaching it to someone else's. You are a product of your relationship and not a whole person in your own right. Two weeks isn't going to do it... I also am a believer that many people (not just women) come into their own in their late 20s and their perspective on life changes; what they want, who they want to be, etc. I believe you DO like the comfort and security but are unable to fully commit because you've been with him from too early an age to really know life. If you are questioning it now, I think you are going to question it even more in your early 30s and, ultimately, the relationship will not last. Sorry - but that's just coming from my experience in a similar situation and seeing others.
Chi townD Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Why do I have a feeling that when you visited your grandparents, you did a little more than develop feelings for this "friend". There's a little bit more to that story that you're not telling. Well, regardless. When you break up with your current boyfriend, you have to remind yourself it's for good. You're making a choice to have him out of your life. Therefore, you have to cut him completely out of your life for good (or at least for a long while) so he's given every opportunity to find his own happiness without you. You are not friends. I'm sure he didn't get into a loving and caring relationship with you only to take a step back and become nothing more than a friend to you. That's not fair to him and you would be filling him up with false hope. Therefore, that would be cruel on your part. Hence, you have to resign yourself to not talking to him, not seeing him.....nothing. Remember, you believe that being on your own for a couple of weeks before you hook up with this "friend" is more important to you than he is. And hey, if what I wrote stings a little, welll....that's just reality. If you're not happy, then get out. Don't string him along. If you're not happy with him, then leave. But, be prepared to lose him for good, because he deserves to find his own happiness too, right? Well, he can't do that if he's constantly contacting you and you allow it.
Frank13 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 If you really loved him you wouldn't want one night stands. I say end it. You are young and have a lot of time to find the right person. You know he is not for you. Let him go. You're also nuts if you think he is letting you have one night stands and he is not having them.
pteromom Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I dunno... reading what you wrote, I'm not getting a sense of GIGS so much as a sense that you really want to be able to be independent. Your bf supports you financially, and you want to support yourself. You live your life as a part of his, and you want to be able to hang with friends and be "free". You had an attraction to a friend. We've all been there, and I don't think it has to mean too much. My question is this - can you assert yourself and your independence while still remaining attached to your boyfriend? Will he give you the space to have your own place, succeed on your own, and create your own routines and schedule without accusing you of going backward? If so, you may not need to take a break from him. It all hinges on how understanding he is, and how much you want to date others.
Author denkyu Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 Why do I have a feeling that when you visited your grandparents, you did a little more than develop feelings for this "friend". There's a little bit more to that story that you're not telling. Nothing actually happened. I wrote him a letter after I left letting him know how I felt and told him he wasn't obligated to reply-- it was just important to me that he knew how I felt. He lives in the Philippines and I live in Vegas so I know me wanting to potentially explore a relationship with him is nonexistent/unrealistic. I just learned he came out recently and we were best friends in high school. I never considered the possibility of dating him because I didn't know he was gay/was not out myself. But yeah the possibility (as unrealistic and unfounded as that is) that I could be in a relationship with my BEST FRIEND in high school kind of started the domino effect of making me doubt my commitment to my current bf and question my feelings. Keep in mind too that I had been out of the country for 5 weeks at this point and had little to no contact with my current bf. Remember, you believe that being on your own for a couple of weeks before you hook up with this "friend" is more important to you than he is. I disagree/am a little confused by this assertion. I don't see how me being away for a few weeks and me wanting to hook up with my friend is connected to my feelings towards my current bf. And hey, if what I wrote stings a little, welll....that's just reality. If you're not happy, then get out. Don't string him along. If you're not happy with him, then leave. But, be prepared to lose him for good, because he deserves to find his own happiness too, right? Well, he can't do that if he's constantly contacting you and you allow it. I appreciate your comments and don't worry, brutal honestly is what I need at this point. Its precisely because I don't want to string him along and hurt him down the line that I'm considering breaking up with him in the first place. Thanks for replying.
Author denkyu Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 If you really loved him you wouldn't want one night stands. I say end it. You are young and have a lot of time to find the right person. You know he is not for you. Let him go. You're also nuts if you think he is letting you have one night stands and he is not having them. Maybe so. But you as a guy should understand the difference between sex and love. The reason we have an open relationship is because we both recognize the fact that we can have sex with no emotional attachment. The way he puts it, its basically like masturbation. As long as we both come home to each other at the end of the day and love each other then 'hooking up' is simply sex, nothing more, nothing less. Also I am under no such delusions as to whether or not he is having one night stands. Honestly I couldn't care less as long as he still loves me. Maybe this is symptomatic of something more serious but I know of couples in open relationships that have made it work. For us it was more important to be honest about our needs than repressing our urges because of some cultural definition of monogamy. Again, I'm no expert but I wonder if a lot of couples break up because of a lack of sex/loss of interest which causes the guy to become resentful. I always thought that men were pre-programmed to 'spread their seed' and are not biologically monogamous? Not to say that couples shouldn't be monogamous, but I feel like as long as both partners are on the same page when it comes to their feelings on monogamy then I don't see how the relationship couldn't work with communication. Its worked out for us so far and is not my current problem (as far as I see it). Maybe someone can offer some deeper insight on this. Regardless, thanks for taking the time to comment.
Author denkyu Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 (edited) Haha no its all good. I guess I didn't make it clear in my original post that I was a guy. I've taken the liberty of correcting my gender in your quotes His BF and the rest of us can't pour our what we know, our experiences, and our wisdom into the OP. I do not believe he can get "there" without going through this. I also do not believe he can get "there" within 2 weeks. This is going to take much longer than that. Hence him wanting me to "get it out of my system". In which case I think I should break up with him rather than string him along as a couple of posters here have stated. Although the woman I was with would have done NOTHING to deserve this... Had I stayed, I would have ended up taking her for granted. I would have ended up resenting her. I would have always questioned myself and if I had the "stones" to make it on my own. I would have always wondered if I could have done better. I would have always wondered if I settled. I would have always be curious. I would have always believe that I "missed out", etc. I would have probably ending up divorcing her and it would have been solely due to things going on in-between my ears and would have had nothing to do with her. This. I appreciate your first post and got a lot out of it. You've given me a lot to chew on and think about. Thanks. As for your 2nd post... er... lets just agree to disagree shall we? I wouldn't even know where to begin... Edited August 22, 2012 by denkyu
Glove_slap Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 are you taking a break or fishing for something better?
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