What do I do?

[Llakdknek]

Sorry, this is going to be a long story. I got myself into a hell of a situation.

 

In August 2010, a woman that I had met on a message board and had only hung out with a few times moved into my house. She wanted to pursue a college education and I wanted to help out. It was stressful at times and we had our clashes, but in February 2011, we actually decided to become a couple. After a year and a half of turmoil, I decided to break up with her this past weekend.

 

I told her that my needs were not being fulfilled and she stated that hers weren’t either, but she was happy in the relationship. We have struggled many times because I apparently am not manly enough for her, meaning that I am the type who needs to be told “I love you” and needs affection and intimacy. In my eyes, she always avoided those things, but in hers, I was always the problem. I was not being nice enough or trying hard enough. It seemed to me that I was always made out to be crazy because what I wanted was never realistic, that I needed to go to therapy and learn how to just be happy.

 

As soon as I tried to break up with her, she wanted to go live in her car. She actually took a needle and asked for money to do who knows what (I didn’t end up giving her the money). Yesterday, I started discussing how we could make it work because I was sick at how she was handling it. The only way she said she’d stay with me is if we went through couples’ therapy. I was agreeable to it at first, but as the day went on, we kept arguing . Finally, I was trying to talk to her while she was watching T.V. Because I wanted her attention, I reached for the remote and wrestled it from her hand so I could turn the T.V. off. Let me state right now that I understand that was a huge mistake. I didn’t hurt her, but I startled her. She proceeded to shut herself in my bedroom and leaned up against the door. I tried to get in at first and told her that she could just go to the other room while I stayed in there, but the damage was done. She was hysterical at this point, because she was having flash backs of a past boyfriend who would beat her. I realize I was in the wrong as I did scare her, but I have never laid a hand upon her in anger. I apologized many, many times.

 

Again, later that night, she was threatening me to live out in the car and just move away to give up the job that she had lined up and, presumably, scrape by in life. She didn’t that night, but I am in a hell of a situation. I have offered to have her stay with me just to save up some money so that she could move somewhere else. She says that she doesn’t care about money, but she’s also not very responsible in my opinion. She doesn’t realize how much it has actually cost me to take care of her bills and all of that. I have dipped well into my own savings for them. All she responds with when I bring this up is how she's just going to live in her car.

 

I’m just looking for some words of wisdom and I realize this is all over the place. If there is anything that needs clarifying, I’ll try my best. In short, I feel like I have put myself in a situation with two incompatible people and am being manipulated to the hilt. The problem is that I am still emotionally attached to her and care about her. I don’t want her life to fall apart just because we broke up. I will help where I can, I just don’t think we were meant for each other and it’s a sad situation.

Edited August 20, 2012 by Llakdknek
Clean-Up

[Llakdknek]

I don't mean to answer my own questions, but all I can think of to do is just tell her that she can stay with me and we'll try to be roommates and possibly even friends and be as nice as possible to each other during this time. The problem is the potential reaction from her, but I need to try to make myself not care and leave her to her own devices.

[weallfalldown]

the song by the doors....

 

" take him by the hand, make him understand"....

 

your in a relationship because you wanna feel loved, and you wanna see affection!

 

what's the point otherwise?............you did the right thing man, kick her into touch!

[WhatYouWantToHear]

I don’t want her life to fall apart just because we broke up.

 

Don't flatter yourself. Her life is going to fall apart regardless of you guys breaking up. She's broken, and you just can't fix broken people.

 

Probably be best not to be around when it does. Run.

[weallfalldown]

Don't flatter yourself. Her life is going to fall apart regardless of you guys breaking up. She's broken, and you just can't fix broken people.

 

Probably be best not to be around when it does. Run.

 

knob......................

[Llakdknek]

Don't flatter yourself. Her life is going to fall apart regardless of you guys breaking up. She's broken, and you just can't fix broken people.

 

Probably be best not to be around when it does. Run.

 

You're right. I'm not trying to flatter myself. What I'm saying is that I feel a lot of responsibility if she decides she wants to live in her car and give up on life. That threat is almost enough to make me want to say that we can just try to work it out, but I know deep down we can't. This is where I feel like I'm being manipulated.

[Llakdknek]

Update:

 

This is a complete mess. We had a conversation on Sunday, and her takeaway was that we were going to counseling and my take away is that we were broken up and she could live in my house for at least a while.

 

Fast forward to today, and she "discovers" that I have broken up with her. It has hit the fan once again. I'm trying to be more firm this time and not cave in to the emotions and tears. I told her that I would let her live with me for four weeks until she gets things settled and that we can try and remain friends.

 

It sounds like she doesn't want any of this and that she wants to leave most of her belongings with me at my house. She is still trying to get me to go to counseling with her, but my honest opinion is that it's never, ever going to work. It sucks, but we can't meet one another's relationship needs and we're incompatible. You can't fake those things.

[Crila16]

OMG. Drama. This girl is a lot of work. It doesn't have to be this complicated. You two are NOT compatible at all.

 

Also, she's a little manipulative with the "I'm going to live in my car and give up my great job." You should say "Go ahead...it's your life." You need to stop being so co-dependent. You are definitely, a class A co-dependent.

 

She needs to go, if only for your sanity. Also, with the remote situation...you did nothing wrong. The girl sounds nuts and overly dramatic.

 

Love isn't this complicated. You need to get rid of her, so you can heal and find someone better for you. This is just a downward spiral, negative relationship. It will only bring you down, and love is supposed to lift you up.

[Llakdknek]

Thank you.

 

I fully admit that I am not perfect and have my problems.

 

I think you are right on the money with the co-dependency issues. I have been told that a few times before by others. That is a struggle for me on my own end.

 

I realize that I'm too sensitive. I absolutely hate this for her. I wish it was working. Logically, I know it is much better to sever the relationship a year and a half into it than go through these ups and downs for several more years or even get married. It will all be amplified compared to now. We simply have no future. Deep down, I think I'm doing the right thing, but it's difficult plus I have made quite a mess of it, it sounds like.

[Llakdknek]

Another Update:

 

Predictably, our attempt to make it work was a complete disaster. We broke up for good in early October and I have been living at my parents' house for about a month while she lived at my house. She is supposed to be out of my house for good as of tomororow.

 

However, I found out some interesting information in a letter written by her to her father, her mother, and her stepmother. I don't know if the letter was ever delivered to them or not, and I know it wasn't for my eyes.

 

The subject matter, to be as concise as possible, dealt with trauma such as rape and abuse and how, while she was in college, she slept with a new guy just about every night. She was a self-proclaimed sex addict who even engaged in prostitution. However, in the 18 months of our relationship, we slept with each other 10 times. I must have been that bad, I guess.

 

In short, she lied to me big time.

 

It ends up that I dodged a bullet with this one, although I was stupid enough to get used as much as I did.

Edited November 4, 2012 by Llakdknek

[justanidiot]

You dodged a bullet. It's sad your ex has gone thru what she has. That's a rough one. However, take pride in the fact you tried your hardest, you are who you are, and leaving a bad relationship is for the best. Drama is exhausting, and dramatic people usually have many issues, and if they aren't willing to deal with them, they'll never work out with you. Amazing when you learn a persons background, you start to understand why the way they are. Take care man!

[Llakdknek]

I wrote this letter out. I'm thinking of actually sending it. At least it felt good to get it all off my chest. Holy s***, I sure know how to pick 'em.

 

Here goes (all quotes and paraphrases are from her):

 

I would like to start this off with a quote if I may:

 

“Now for the reason I dropped out of [redacted]. Even when you’re a fat and ugly chick going to [redacted], you get hit on constantly. I didn’t know it at the time, but I have a sexual addiction. I was losing control of myself very quickly. That is all I was doing – sleeping around. Even though I really did enjoy school there, I HAD to leave. I was sleeping around every night. It even got to the point where I was taking money for sex.”

 

Before you conned me into being in a serious relationship with you, you told me that you had sex with five six total people. To paraphrase you, at the time, I believe you said that I acted like you had “f***ed the whole world”. I should have trusted my instincts at that time. You lied to me, not just on this point, but on many others. I know the lies that I have caught you in, and I am confident that they are but a small percentage of the total number of lies that you told me.

 

I dodged a bullet by never proposing to nor marrying you. You have no concept of how relieved and thankful I am for that.

 

There is a lot to be said about this type of thing. But, I do not need to say much of anything at this juncture. Some old favorites out of the Nine Inch Nails catalog come to mind, “Terrible Lie” and “You Know What You Are?”. You know those well.

 

I do not care to ever know what other lies you told me. I do not care to know what else you did to betray me while we were together. There is only one thing I know with absolute certainty: you never loved me. I think it is important enough that it bears repeating.

 

You never loved me.

 

You had me hook, line, and sinker. You honestly did. You are excellent at manipulating people, especially me. You willfully used me to a substantial degree. Although I feel like saying “caveat emptor” to anyone who might listen, I will practice restraint.

 

Let me indulge you with another quote:

 

“I feel like it’s the first time in my life I’ve actually let myself totally love someone.”

 

You should have received a package recently. I believe it included one pair of KinkLab Bondage Basics Leather Ankle Cuffs (Red), one pair of KinkLab Bondage Basics Leather Wrist Cuffs (Red), and KinkLab Nickel-Plated Snap Hooks (4-Pack). I must say that you appear to be moving along quite rapidly with regards to getting over a person you “actually let yourself totally love”.

 

As of today, any attempts at contacting me directly or by proxy will be futile. Let me be perfectly clear: do not ever contact me again for any reason.

 

I know what you are even if no one else in your circles ever has or will. It is not my place to ever tell them. You know what you are.

 

It turns out that my intuitions about you were correct the entire time.

 

Good riddance.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Oh good, a crazy, I-just-need-closure-letter-so-I-am-writing-to-tell-you-to-never-contact-me letter.

 

Please post updates about your guys relationship as you continue to break up and get back together.