My wife may be having an affair because she's mentally stuck at 16

[BetrayedH]

You have a plan...a method of solving this problem (one way or another) and you're sticking to it. Sadly, what you 'feel' is right flies in the face of the advice from those who've experienced it before you. Have it your way.

 

That's my way of saying it's OK if your wrong IC. We all learn differently.

 

Hang in there and chin up. Don't be a stranger. I can't speak for anyone else, but I won't say "I told you so." Good luck finding the happiness you seek.

 

Kudos to you for saying this (I mean that). I took the same slow and patient approach (well, sort of anyway) so I shouldn't be harsh. Ultimately, I don't much blame any BS for what they do after Dday. Just hard to watch, that's all. Good luck IC. I hope it works out.

[icDude]

Thanks for all the advice. I will try to keep you posted as I said.

 

Denial is a river in Egypt:

I know that many of you have been here before. That is why I came looking. I am not in denial that my marriage may end, regardless of what I do. And my wife is well aware that I will not put up with this sh**. She will come to a conclusion. That conclusion will be me or him or no one.

 

I am not a Mr. Nice Guy, I did get the book and read parts of it, turnera. I was a prick and an angry young man. I have never been a romantic and I have never tried to romance my W. I want to try that now. I have been very successful in seduction however, and while this douche might have her heart (and may have always had it). I have her body (as shallow as that sounds). But I have never attempted to take her heart away with any zeal. So it may work. It may not.

 

My marriage could end. My W has said she will always love this OM. I said, fine. But unless he is only in your past, we will have no future. I want respect and loyalty. She can think what she wants, but if she acts on it, we are done (but on my time table).

 

I can not track her computers. They are work computers and a work phone. It might put me in legal hot water. Besides as I said before, there is always a way to hide something you want hidden.

 

Instead, I have a list of things that make a strong marriage. And a list of things I need. If I see her pulling her weight in those activities then I have positive evidence that she is trying to make this work. Does that mean she has given her whole heart to it? No. Does it mean we won't fall apart in the end? No. It means she is trying and I am trying and that is what in the end makes a marriage work. Not love. Not romance. Not anything but a dedication to try.

 

We made out, kissing for the first time in over a month this morning. It wasn't perfect, but it was more than before. (we've had sex, but she was resistant to kissing me). She was embracing me, in a non-sexual way. I know this means nothing to all of you. Could just be a ploy to keep me off her back for a while. I say, so what. I have to get some work done (school/career) and bypassing this drama (divorce) for a little while works for me. As long as I see she is trying, our kids a cared for, and she does her part I will keep moving forward.

 

Good luck to all of you and thanks for all the support.

We'll meet again.

[turnera]

I am not a Mr. Nice Guy, I did get the book and read parts of it, turnera. I was a prick and an angry young man. I have never been a romantic and I have never tried to romance my W. I want to try that now.

I know you were. But you aren't any more. NOW you are a Nice Guy and trying to compensate for your past. Unfortunately, you are doing it at the ABSOLUTE wrong time in your marriage, when she no longer wants you. And the ONLY way to make a woman want a man again is to not be a doormat. Why two weeks? What did you think you'd get from that? Time to romance her? I understand the logic, but I doubt the psychology.

 

If you give her the two weeks and then do NOT file if she's not into you 100%, you will look like a fool to her and she will RUN away.

[icDude]

Lets put it this way. She will make the decision to stay or go.

I have told her that I will let her go and I will move on. She now has that to contend with. And this guy will not save her, he will not pull her out of this because he is a coward. And that is all she has.

I am willing to leave, if that is what she desires, but I continue to romance her. But I am not a doormat. I continue to go out and have fun. I have met several women, who I have not pursued, but have become friends with on social media.

She can make this choice, but she knows that I have never had trouble picking up women, I had trouble giving that up for a commitment, but I can easily go back to it. All she has is some homely guy who can't pick up a women in his home town and has to look to his ex-girlfriend from high school to stroke his ego. Can you spell, "LOSER." And she thinks he loves her because he traveled across the country for a chance at a piece of a**. I've had girls travel across the country for me (when single), with no love at all in their hearts.

She has become more receptive to my advances, and we are now kissing regularly and cuddling at night. These I see as positive signs, but make no mistake, I am not at all worried about this working. I have my eyes on some cute females right now (purely the result of my W's infidelity) and if my W isn't willing to play with me, I'll go play with someone else.

My mind has shifted in the many weeks since d-day, and now I understand that the ball is in my court. And I bounce back.

[BetrayedH]

Turning this into a revenge affair thread would be an interesting twist but I hope you keep your head on straight instead, dude. You're treading into waters that ain't so great to swim in. You think your head is in a good place to be involved with other women any time soon?

[todreaminblue]

All right forum followers, I have posted my story previously in two threads. The last one has been closed by the moderator due to off topic discussion. But none the less I would like to use this forum to document my attempts to save my marriage and so have started a new thread.

 

Some back-story and new developments: My W is having an emotional affair; this affair, as far as I am aware has not turned sexual, although foundling may have occurred.

The OM is her high school boyfriend. From what I know she has been talking to him off and on for the entire duration of my 9 and 1/2 year relationship with her. We had a child out of wedlock nearly 8 years ago, and (new to me) she was seeing him during her pregnancy while I was away in another state, having my own fling (we had been separated at the time). Since then we have been together, but she has been in communication with him on at least two occasions (besides the current offense), once the year before we were married and once after the birth of our second child (these were long term communications, not one offs). Now we have had the birth of our third child and she has started up communication with him again. She has said that she loves him this time and met up with him during a trip to her home town. Her behavior after said trip led me to the questioning and d-day (now over a month ago). We are going to joint and individual counseling and I have exposed the affair to anyone I can.

My attempts to end the affair have been not so successful, however, she said just the other day that "things were rapidly going in my favor," whatever that means.

 

The question: Based on my wife's history with this man, and on the damage in our relationship (more of which can be found in previous threads, just read my posts.) And the additional information that her father committed suicide within the same time frame that she started seeing this guy originally. Does anyone think that psychological help will get my W to break ties with her 16 year old self and start acting like an adult?

 

 

How is she acting like a 16 year old? 16 year olds dont normally have affairs .....they have relationships that last shorter than an affair would.....she i snot reliving her 16th year....she is cheating as an adult.....with adult consequences....do you mean that she is young at heart or that she acts young for her age or her level of maturity is different to yours? I am young at heart because i have kids who are young i have to be young at heart or they wouldnt relate to me and when i fall in love it is like being a kid again i am in love at the moment and hyperventilate often doesnt make me a 16 yr old though.....16 yr old girls i wouldnt consider to be cheaters in a relationship your wife is mucking up not a 16 yr old she isnt 16 psyche might help both of you...... to why you both feel the need to sleep with others

 

marriage counselling required in my opinion.....extensive marriage counselling and dont put all the blame on her you cheated too ...you honestly need help too in my opinion..i wish you luck in life and love and a very good counsellor......best wishes....deb

[icDude]

How is she acting like a 16 year old? 16 year olds dont normally have affairs .....they have relationships that last shorter than an affair would.....

 

marriage counselling required in my opinion.....extensive marriage counselling and dont put all the blame on her you cheated too ...you honestly need help too in my opinion..i wish you luck in life and love and a very good counsellor......best wishes....deb

 

FYI we are in marriage counseling. My point is that she is stuck on the guy she dated at 16 and can't let that part of her life go. perhaps due to other events at that time like the suicide of her father.

I have not had an affair during our marriage. I saw another women during a relationship break early on. And I picked up women at bars in our early days (Many years ago) as well. But I have been serious for a while now.

 

As to revenge affairs; I have to keep my mind open to options (its how I keep my head level) but it is not high on my radar. I think that would be a low blow and right now she says she is going to give us another shot.

conversation last night:

"Are you still my woman?"

"We're still married aren't we."

"Do you want to be my woman?"

"I don't know, but I am going to give it another shot."

[drifter777]

...

 

conversation last night:

"Are you still my woman?"

"We're still married aren't we."

"Do you want to be my woman?"

"I don't know, but I am going to give it another shot."

 

Not exactly enthusiastic responses, but I guess you are willing to accept whatever crumbs she tosses you. I mean, you posted this like it's some kind of new commitment to reconciliation and it just doesn't read that way.

 

The next time you see your MC be sure to repeat this conversation to him/her verbatim. You need a reality check from a professional on this weak, non-commitment commitment.

[worldgonewrong]

and right now she says she is going to give us another shot.

conversation last night:

"Are you still my woman?"

"We're still married aren't we."

"Do you want to be my woman?"

"I don't know, but I am going to give it another shot."

 

This is another shot?

Substitute certain words and it's actually a mundane, lifeless commitment:

 

"Are you still eating cheeze doodles?"

"We're still buying 'em aren't we."

"Do you want to try a healthier snack?"

"I don't know, but I am going to give it another shot."

[g450]

I have to agree with Worldgonewrong.

 

You are still not getting it Ice and it breaks my heart to see you be your own worst enemy.

 

Ill say it again. Start the paperwork and have her served.

At this point you and her both need a reality check.

[icDude]

Good grief.

I don't think this is a valuable commitment. I see it as a submission and accepted defeat. I am not pleased about this. I am pissed that she hasn't been able to commit to our marriage. But if I want to rectify this than this is one step in that direction. Do I want to rectify this? Not sure. I am pissed.

I think that our marriage is broken and will require a lot of work to fix it. I spent the last seven years learning to accept and love this woman and she broke that with a snap of her fingers. She will have to come a long way to regain my respect and trust again. And she hasn't even started yet. She needs to beg me for forgiveness, express her love for me and show it, and she must never do anything like this again. I don't know if she can do it. But I will give her the chance; for the sake of my children and for the love I have built for her.

It would be a heck of a lot easier to leave, no doubt. And a heck of a lot less painful.

[BetrayedH]

Good grief.

I don't think this is a valuable commitment. I see it as a submission and accepted defeat. I am not pleased about this. I am pissed that she hasn't been able to commit to our marriage. But if I want to rectify this than this is one step in that direction. Do I want to rectify this? Not sure. I am pissed.

I think that our marriage is broken and will require a lot of work to fix it. I spent the last seven years learning to accept and love this woman and she broke that with a snap of her fingers. She will have to come a long way to regain my respect and trust again. And she hasn't even started yet. She needs to beg me for forgiveness, express her love for me and show it, and she must never do anything like this again. I don't know if she can do it. But I will give her the chance; for the sake of my children and for the love I have built for her.

It would be a heck of a lot easier to leave, no doubt. And a heck of a lot less painful.

 

Why would she beg?

[Owl]

Why would she beg?

 

Something to consider here.

 

Why would she change her actions right now? What does she "suffer" if she doesn't change?

 

Right now...she's under no real, actual pressure to change. She senses your displeasure...but nothing more.

 

Given the pleasure that her affair gives her compared to the small nuiscance of your dipleasure...why would she change her actions and end her affair?

 

Right now, the pleasure of staying where she's at outweighs the displeasure she has because of your unhappiness with the situation.

 

She's going to stay where she's at until that equation changes.

[turnera]

What owl describes is human nature. And you can't fight human nature. We want what we can't have and we take for granted what we can have. We learn to value something if we have to fight to achieve it and we walk on it if it's freely given to us. You learn that raising kids.

 

People want you to succeed, dude. They just want to make sure you're armed with the knowledge you need.

 

What is she having to do to earn you back and to make up for what she did (so she can learn)? Specifically?

[2long]

Oh, for Rice Cake, dude!

 

You've got no business complaining about her affair if you're seeing other women while you're married and contemplating having an affair of your own.

 

Get a hobby, for cryin' out loud!

 

-ol' 2long

[icDude]

Okay just to be clear, I am not seeing other women. I have met some people socially that I would consider seeing, if I were available. Also I have a hobby, I'm an avid bike rider and continue to make associations that increase my time at that hobby.

 

To the other comments. She knows what she has to lose; me. I have told her specifically that she will have to gain my respect back. I have told her specifically that I demand loyalty and respect from her. She says she will work on them, I need to give her the chance to prove it one way or the other.

 

Many on this forum have suggested that what this was, was an Exit affair. If that is truly the case, than any resolve on her part to give it another go, is actually a major victory. An Exit affair meant that she was ready to leave me with no reservations, and now she is second guessing that resolution.

 

I have suggested that it was more of a split self affair. She has known this OM since she was a child and her family is friends with his family. He was her friend before the passing of her father and perhaps gives her a link to that 'better' time. She needs to let it go for sure. She needs to regain my respect and trust, for sure. Otherwise this is over, ...but on my schedule. She has been split between her past and what is now. Most authors on the subject suggest that to move forward those involved in a split self affair need serious counseling and a clearer understanding of themselves before they can really commit to a solid relationship. If that is the type of affair that this is, then her forward movement is also positive, but will have to be coupled to loads of therapy.

 

The real question that all of you are asking; is even if this is so, why am I putting up with it. Where is my self respect? The answer is that I must redeem myself as well. While I have been faithful during the 4 years of our marriage, I have not always made life easy for my W in the 9 years we have been together. We have had years of turmoil that may have lead her to believe that things could never change. I have accepted my role in those years and know that if it wasn't for her, we may not be together now.

Now that she knows my commitment is real, she can give me hers. If she does not, then the answer is clear. And I can walk away knowing that I did my best to make this work.

Edited August 30, 2012 by icDude
info added

[drifter777]

Okay just to be clear, I am not seeing other women. I have met some people socially that I would consider seeing, if I were available. Also I have a hobby, I'm an avid bike rider and continue to make associations that increase my time at that hobby.

 

To the other comments. She knows what she has to lose; me. I have told her specifically that she will have to gain my respect back. I have told her specifically that I demand loyalty and respect from her. She says she will work on them, I need to give her the chance to prove it one way or the other.

 

Many on this forum have suggested that what this was, was an Exit affair. If that is truly the case, than any resolve on her part to give it another go, is actually a major victory. An Exit affair meant that she was ready to leave me with no reservations, and now she is second guessing that resolution.

 

I have suggested that it was more of a split self affair. She has known this OM since she was a child and her family is friends with his family. He was her friend before the passing of her father and perhaps gives her a link to that 'better' time. She needs to let it go for sure. She needs to regain my respect and trust, for sure. Otherwise this is over, ...but on my schedule. She has been split between her past and what is now. Most authors on the subject suggest that to move forward those involved in a split self affair need serious counseling and a clearer understanding of themselves before they can really commit to a solid relationship. If that is the type of affair that this is, then her forward movement is also positive, but will have to be coupled to loads of therapy.

 

The real question that all of you are asking; is even if this is so, why am I putting up with it. Where is my self respect? The answer is that I must redeem myself as well. While I have been faithful during the 4 years of our marriage, I have not always made life easy for my W in the 9 years we have been together. We have had years of turmoil that may have lead her to believe that things could never change. I have accepted my role in those years and know that if it wasn't for her, we may not be together now.

Now that she knows my commitment is real, she can give me hers. If she does not, then the answer is clear. And I can walk away knowing that I did my best to make this work.

 

You have this all figured out - her motivation for cheating, how you contributed to it, your commitment to forgiving her if she still wants to, your concern for you family - why are you still posting here? Are you vetting your decisions and actions or are you still looking for advice and feedback?

[BetrayedH]

Okay just to be clear, I am not seeing other women. I have met some people socially that I would consider seeing, if I were available. Also I have a hobby, I'm an avid bike rider and continue to make associations that increase my time at that hobby.

 

To the other comments. She knows what she has to lose; me. I have told her specifically that she will have to gain my respect back. I have told her specifically that I demand loyalty and respect from her. She says she will work on them, I need to give her the chance to prove it one way or the other.

 

Many on this forum have suggested that what this was, was an Exit affair. If that is truly the case, than any resolve on her part to give it another go, is actually a major victory. An Exit affair meant that she was ready to leave me with no reservations, and now she is second guessing that resolution.

 

I have suggested that it was more of a split self affair. She has known this OM since she was a child and her family is friends with his family. He was her friend before the passing of her father and perhaps gives her a link to that 'better' time. She needs to let it go for sure. She needs to regain my respect and trust, for sure. Otherwise this is over, ...but on my schedule. She has been split between her past and what is now. Most authors on the subject suggest that to move forward those involved in a split self affair need serious counseling and a clearer understanding of themselves before they can really commit to a solid relationship. If that is the type of affair that this is, then her forward movement is also positive, but will have to be coupled to loads of therapy.

 

The real question that all of you are asking; is even if this is so, why am I putting up with it. Where is my self respect? The answer is that I must redeem myself as well. While I have been faithful during the 4 years of our marriage, I have not always made life easy for my W in the 9 years we have been together. We have had years of turmoil that may have lead her to believe that things could never change. I have accepted my role in those years and know that if it wasn't for her, we may not be together now.

Now that she knows my commitment is real, she can give me hers. If she does not, then the answer is clear. And I can walk away knowing that I did my best to make this work.

 

I'm not sure you answered my question. Your right to avoid it if you like but the question remains...Why would she beg?

[Owl]

ICDUDE...the point that most of us are trying to make is that you are TELLING her that if she doesn't change, she'll lose you.

 

You're not SHOWING her that if she doesn't change, she'll lose you.

 

Words mean nothing...actions demonstrate intent.

 

How are your ACTIONS (not your words, not what you're telling her) demonstrating to her that she's going to lose you if she doesn't end the affair and and start making major effort to fix the problems?

 

Look at it as if she were deaf...and she couldn't hear your conversations. How have your ACTIONS demonstrated to her that she's going to lose you if she doesn't change her actions?

[icDude]

ICDUDE...the point that most of us are trying to make is that you are TELLING her that if she doesn't change, she'll lose you.

 

You're not SHOWING her that if she doesn't change, she'll lose you.

 

Words mean nothing...actions demonstrate intent.

 

How are your ACTIONS (not your words, not what you're telling her) demonstrating to her that she's going to lose you if she doesn't end the affair and and start making major effort to fix the problems?

 

Look at it as if she were deaf...and she couldn't hear your conversations. How have your ACTIONS demonstrated to her that she's going to lose you if she doesn't change her actions?

 

Owl, my actions haven't. My words foretell my actions. If she can't see that she is making a mistake, then she will make it. She either believes me or she doesn't. In the end it is her choice to lose me or not. Make no mistake when I make a decision I stick to it. And she has known me long enough to know that.

 

BetrayedH, maybe I misspoke. She does not have to beg me for forgiveness, I have already forgiven her. She needs to convince me to trust her again and to respect her, by whatever means it takes (begging, pleading, actions and time) Or I will not trust her and not respect her, and will still consider leaving her... on my timeline.