My wife may be having an affair because she's mentally stuck at 16

[carhill]

A legal separation, if I understand correctly, will protect my assets.

 

Implications vary by jurisdiction but, here in California, such creates a milepost and timestamp from which forensics can assess the net worth of the partnership, predicated upon their intent to dissolve. Here, a legal separation is just like a divorce, except the parties are not legally able to remarry. Nearly all issues of divorce are settled or adjudicated during the process. Consult an attorney for more information.

 

I think such would be a reasonable first step and a very long process which, once begun, is not impelled to end in divorce. The partners decide that, right up to the end.

[turnera]

Are you using a keylogger and tracking her phone?

[Owl]

OK...what, specifically, happens in two weeks and one day if she has any contact with OM?

 

How will you know if she does or does not? How will she demonstrate to you in two weeks that she is no longer in contact with him?

 

What, specifically, did you tell her would happen in two weeks if contact continued?

 

Thought you might have missed this, ICDUDE, so I wanted to re-ask my questions.

 

I think that this is critical...you appear to have drawn a line in the sand...the question of what consequences were given if she violates that boundary are critical. Were they clearly defined in your mind, and were they clearly spelled out for her? And most importantly...will you follow through with them if/when she vioalates the boundary?

[whichwayisup]

She has to suffer some major consquences before she wakes up out of her affair fog. Meaning, experiencing what life will be like without you in it.

 

Not saying to divorce, but to ask her to move out (family or to a friends house) and only speak to her when it has to do with the kids or house related issues.

 

She is addicted to how this guy makes her feel and he is her drug. This is why she's having trouble detaching and cutting him from her life.

[2long]

So in response. She says she didn't have sex and I have asked several times. She is a piss poor lie-r when confronted. Plus I read a private email between them when his wife confronted him and his comment to my wife was 'I told her most of what happened but not about the making out,' Again, suggesting that the didn't seal the deal.

 

Sorry, "making out" is definitely a sexually charged activity, so this is a PA, not just an EA. The next step isn't far behind.

 

Here's what happens in two weeks. I ask her if she has stopped talking to him. Her response will be obvious, since she is piss poor when confronted. If she lies I'll know. She will also need to show me proof. i.e. that she has erased him from facebook, and has no current emails from him. I will insist on this.

 

Why 2 weeks? She can't ween herself off the affair. She has 2 go cold 2rkey.

 

She has been warned that she can not keep both of us.

 

But since you've let her keep both of you for another 2 weeks, she knows she can gain ground against you without 2 much trouble.

 

Her position is as one might expect. She wants to keep both of us. She doesn't want to let this guy go, but she is going to do it to make our marriage work. She says she knows she should try to make this work.

She still doesn't know if she wants to.

 

And the longer this goes on, the more you will realize that you aren't sure if YOU want 2.

 

If she can't stop talking to him then I will move to another room and start seeing other women. But I will wait on divorce, as I have said in a previous post, due to my own timing issues.

 

...which are all messed up! If you separate, you're still married. Don't start seeing other women until the divorce is final. Don't like what your wife is doing? Then don't do it yourself, either!

 

-ol' 2long

[Summer Breeze]

Thanks for the positive tone. For what its worth, I am on her everyday about stopping the communication. I do think it is eating at her. But I am also looking at my outside options. As I said previously, I will give her until our next counseling session and push the issue again.

I can't easily leave, and I can't easily kick her out. We live in a home that we both have a legal right to be in and we have kids that I don't want to torment with our separation.

Right now she is just talking to a guy. And she claims that she is really pulling away from him. I get her point (not defending it!) that she has known this guy and is friends with other members of his family from when she was a small child. It might be hard to cut all ties.

 

Is she showing you that she's weaning herself off this guy? Is she showing you the emails so you can judge the frequency? Letting you read them so you can see the emotion lessen? You have every right to ask for access to them. You're giving her the opportunity to wean herself so you should be given the courtesy to see the proof it's happening.

 

She doesn't need to cut all ties with his family. She needs to cut all ties with him.

 

A lot of years ago I was a BS and I left the house that I was entitled to live in. I wouldn't allow myself to be treated that way and if he wasn't leaving then I sure as he!! was going to.

 

As far as her mental health you could let her parents know you'll help her financially till the D is final and then she may need their support. Of course you could reconcile before then but at least you're getting things started.

 

Also, have you told OMs W? She might help in speeding up the weaning process.

[icDude]

Thought you might have missed this, ICDUDE, so I wanted to re-ask my questions.

 

I think that this is critical...you appear to have drawn a line in the sand...the question of what consequences were given if she violates that boundary are critical. Were they clearly defined in your mind, and were they clearly spelled out for her? And most importantly...will you follow through with them if/when she vioalates the boundary?

 

I will start the process of legal separation and I may do it anyway at the end of two weeks because she is not showing me that she is weaning herself away yet.

[icDude]

Is she showing you that she's weaning herself off this guy? Is she showing you the emails so you can judge the frequency? Letting you read them so you can see the emotion lessen? You have every right to ask for access to them. You're giving her the opportunity to wean herself so you should be given the courtesy to see the proof it's happening.

 

She doesn't need to cut all ties with his family. She needs to cut all ties with him.

 

A lot of years ago I was a BS and I left the house that I was entitled to live in. I wouldn't allow myself to be treated that way and if he wasn't leaving then I sure as he!! was going to.

 

As far as her mental health you could let her parents know you'll help her financially till the D is final and then she may need their support. Of course you could reconcile before then but at least you're getting things started.

 

Also, have you told OMs W? She might help in speeding up the weaning process.

 

I will ask again for the caliber of her emails. So far she has refused. Her parents are aware of this, his W is aware of this. I have asked for the parents support in getting her mental help and they are on the same page. Her friends are supporting me as well. I have the entire militia working to end this. Perhaps that is not clear, but I have contacted everyone and begun to elicit their support.

[Summer Breeze]

I will ask again for the caliber of her emails. So far she has refused. Her parents are aware of this, his W is aware of this. I have asked for the parents support in getting her mental help and they are on the same page. Her friends are supporting me as well. I have the entire militia working to end this. Perhaps that is not clear, but I have contacted everyone and begun to elicit their support.

 

 

I have to say with everyone that knows it's shocking they're still so openly in communication. All I have to say, other than what I have said, is that you need to be prepared when your deadline comes around. You say you are. Get help from some of her family and friends to drive it home. I think on that day you're not going to be in any better situation than you are right now. If you get to the deadline and have the force of all the people who care about her then it might have a little more impact.

 

The other thing. Who told his W? Did your WS tell you that it had happened? Have you verified she really does know? If not, I'd probably doubt that she does. And if she does know I'd imagine it's not the whole story.

[Owl]

I will start the process of legal separation and I may do it anyway at the end of two weeks because she is not showing me that she is weaning herself away yet.

 

OK...so...by "start the process of legal seperation"...what, specifically do you mean?

 

That you'll move out? That you expect her to move out? What does "start the process" mean?

 

I get that you will file some paperwork indicating that the two of you are seperating...but filing paperwork isn't a real consequence. It means nothing, and it's revocable at any time.

 

She needs to know clearly what you intend to happen on the day after the two weeks are up. She moves out (or you do), and at that point she becomes responsible for xxx of the bills, with you responsible for yyy of them. She no longer communicates with you in any fashion except relative to what is required to care for your daughter, or to work through the terms of the seperation.

 

She needs to see this as a very, very clearly defined boundary with dire, clear cut consequences. Anything less will not help your situation.

 

What's the status on contacting OM's chain of command?

[icDude]

OK...so...by "start the process of legal seperation"...what, specifically do you mean?

 

That you'll move out? That you expect her to move out? What does "start the process" mean?

 

I get that you will file some paperwork indicating that the two of you are seperating...but filing paperwork isn't a real consequence. It means nothing, and it's revocable at any time.

 

She needs to know clearly what you intend to happen on the day after the two weeks are up. She moves out (or you do), and at that point she becomes responsible for xxx of the bills, with you responsible for yyy of them. She no longer communicates with you in any fashion except relative to what is required to care for your daughter, or to work through the terms of the seperation.

 

She needs to see this as a very, very clearly defined boundary with dire, clear cut consequences. Anything less will not help your situation.

 

What's the status on contacting OM's chain of command?

 

I'm still torn on what I need to do. A part of me knows that I need to start a legal procedure, but another part knows that this will cost money that I don't have. Right now we pretty much split the bills as it is, with my W putting in slightly more, due to a slightly larger income. Again, because of cost effectiveness, it might be better to stay in the same house, but in separate rooms. I have another bed I can use.

 

I have not contacted his chain of command, but I have found what I think is his unit, there's only one reserve unit near where he lives that fits his specialization. I can call them at anytime and ask for his superior and tell them what you told me.

 

As far as contacting his wife. My W told me that she knows and I verified by reading an email sent from the OM to my W which stated as much and included the phrase which I posted earlier, eluding to the fact that she does not know all. However, I can contact her via facebook (my contact her through this medium did not elicit a response from her, but was followed by the subsequent discussion between the OM and her) and have her email address.

 

So, to recap, I am reconsidering a legal separation due to financial issues and would like some alternate advice on how to drive this issue home to my W. I am strongly considering contacting his chain of command, for what it is worth. And I can contact his wife again if needed.

[icDude]

Does anyone think that I should just let her make the move? Why is it so pressing that I make the move, when she is the one deciding to stay or go?

[carhill]

So, to recap, I am reconsidering a legal separation due to financial issues and would like some alternate advice on how to drive this issue home to my W. I am strongly considering contacting his chain of command, for what it is worth.

 

If you take these two steps, having a process server or sheriff serve her a separation lawsuit, as well as contacting OM's chain of command as Owl suggested, that will be a big rig full of issue driving right home to her. I would add to (and pardon me if I'm not up on details) request that she vacate the marital domicile. You can't force her out, to my knowledge, but persistent requests will sour the milk. Good luck.

[2long]

Does anyone think that I should just let her make the move? Why is it so pressing that I make the move, when she is the one deciding to stay or go?

 

You can do that, and I will predict the following. Check back in here in a month or 2 and tell me if my prediction was wrong:

 

If you don't "make the move", she won't either, and the affair will still be on.

 

-ol' 2long

[yessy21]

Take the blindfold off and Open your eyes.

 

Making Out? Oh... im sorry Sticking his tongue and spit down your WIFES throat isnt enough?

 

Listen... this is what you should do.

 

1. File for Divorce

2. Dont tell her....let her keep trying to Ween herself away from him... (sarcasticly)

3. Find a nice little efficiency.

4. Print out her emails that you can get your hands on.

5. GIve them to your lawyer. They might be useful to him.

6. Start calculating CHild support costs.

7. Let her keep the house.

8. let her know that the only reason she should be able to reach you is in regards to your children.

 

SHe isnt going to stop. Neither is he. She has no respect for you. Neither does he.

She isnt going to show you any email because she wont stop. If she really wanted your marriage to work. she would have either A.) Not done it. or B.) Stopped after the first flirtatious email.

She is not mentally ill. your being dilusional. she just likes him. and she doesnt care what anyone thinks. thats it. point blank. the reason she hasnt really left you is because he hasnt CEMENTED it into her. He most probrably doesnt want to pay alimony and childsupport and stuff. she doesnt love you the way that you want her to love you....if you want to believe that she does then your Blind and Deaf. just because she kept having your babies doesnt mean anything...

 

this woman isnt dumb.she thinks your a looser. If your not cautious she might make it look like you were doing something wrong. PROTECT yourself, your children and your assets. YOU MAKE THE FIRST MOVE. AND STICK TO IT.

[turnera]

Does anyone think that I should just let her make the move? Why is it so pressing that I make the move, when she is the one deciding to stay or go?

Are you talking about physically moving, or 'the move' to divorce?

[Owl]

IC...We've given you pages of advice. Most of us are telling you the same thing, in numerous different ways and styles.

 

Until you choose to change the situation, there's nothing more I can offer to you.

 

I wish you the best, my friend. Keep us posted, and good luck.

[icDude]

I will keep you posted on how things develop. In response to the last few posts. I do not believe she loves me like I should be loved. I also do not think she respects me like I should be respected. However I think that I am the better man, and the OM is the loser. I mean he can't handle even his own family, what makes him think he can handle mine.

Futhermore, I am making strides to have more fun with my family and with my wife, and our relationship is improving.

 

Here is what I think:

 

1) My wife is passive and I am aggressive. In her passive way she basically told me, "I've been unhappy in our marriage and now I am done, And I guess I should have told you earlier." Well poo. I am aggressive and my aggression comes out in the form of negativity and anger, which no one can put up with for very long. So I need to change and have been putting in strides to do so. And she needs to grow up. Will she do it? That's up to her. Part of that is giving up the past and getting on with her life. Her family is her life.

 

2) I need to figure out what I want and need in my marriage. And I need to figure out what I am willing and not willing to do to accomplish those things. I am not going to destroy my marriage to save it. I am going to be a better man and try to create a stable home for my kids.

 

3) The world is not full of evil people. It is full of mostly good people who do stupid things, because they have been corrupted, abused, chemically imbalanced, or immature. I know my wife and I know that she is good. She will return to me because she now sees that the things she feared in me I am willing to change. However, if she does not see these things my life will go on. I am not dependant on her for my happiness and success. I will get by and I will survive; in the words of the Greatful Dead.

 

4) As far as tracking my W's interactions with this guy, thats like trying to prove the non-existance of a unicorn in a haystack. Just because I haven't found one yet doesn't mean it isn't there. So basically that would be a huge waste of my time and a lot of anxiety. Instead I will focus on the positive changes that I see in my wife that indicate that she is warming up to me again. These things I can see and they are better evidence that she is returning to me. Just because she stops talking to one guy doesn't mean she won't start with another. But her interest in me, will suggest that we are once again on track.

[BetrayedH]

I am with the (Bangs head on desk) dude.

 

If you were to look, you might find the haystack pile has one giant unicorn under it.

 

And filing for divorce isn't "destroying" your family but is likely to be the only thing that saves it.

 

All that said, I'm with Owl. I don't think there's anything more to be said here.

[2long]

So basically you're okay with her continuing her affair for as long as it takes her 2 choose one of you over the other?

 

Let me put it another way: Your house is on fire. What do you do? Do you take the pickup down 2 the local Home Despot and load it up with 2x4s, plywood, drywall and shingles, take it home and patch the holes when the fire breaks through the roof, and try 2 rebuild faster than it burns down?

 

Or do you put out the fire before you start 2 rebuild?

 

-ol' 2long

[turnera]

Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet?

[nofool4u]

You can do that, and I will predict the following. Check back in here in a month or 2 and tell me if my prediction was wrong:

 

If you don't "make the move", she won't either, and the affair will still be on.

 

-ol' 2long

 

Exactly icDude.

 

If you don't make a move, she won't either, will still be cheating, and you will be settling for being a cuckold.

[nofool4u]

I am with the (Bangs head on desk) dude.

 

If you were to look, you might find the haystack pile has one giant unicorn under it.

 

 

I agree. Its not like a needle in a haystack at all.

 

Its an elephant in the room, and he is trying to ignore it so he doesn't have to clean up the sh**

[Steadfast]

You have a plan...a method of solving this problem (one way or another) and you're sticking to it. Sadly, what you 'feel' is right flies in the face of the advice from those who've experienced it before you. Have it your way.

 

That's my way of saying it's OK if your wrong IC. We all learn differently.

 

Hang in there and chin up. Don't be a stranger. I can't speak for anyone else, but I won't say "I told you so." Good luck finding the happiness you seek.

[g450]

Are you using a keylogger and tracking her phone?

 

I also agree with turnera. I wish I did this early on but my XW was pretty smart. She locked me out of her laptop and her phone was in her name and by her side 24/7.

 

Like I said earlier. My XW knew she was leaving me. And she is the one that actually filed for divorce. In your case YOU need to be the one that files. My XW wanted to do the online divorce thing and that is the worst and most dangerous way to do it. I went to a real lawyer the next day to protect myself and get it done right. File now. It does not mean you will divorce but you should file to get the ball rolling.

 

Back to the the issue at hand: Get a keylogger, software to tap her phone, a VAR or two and even a GPS device if necessary. Go all out. This is your marriage and your future life and kids's life as well as assets we are talking about. Spare no expense on this and dont feel guilty for doing it. You are protecting yourself and your children, remember that.

 

On a side note I agree with all here about boundries. You have given her NO consequences if she continues with this affair. You are giving her essentially a green GO sign and she is running with it. You need to use the divorce threat as a consequence for her continued disrespect of your marriage.

 

You are basically me about three years ago. And honestly I probably would have posted some of the same stuff that you did back then. I rationalized the situation and was in self denial. But the writing was on the wall well before d-day. I just didnt know it yet and maybe I tried to ingore the obviouse truth out of fear. I think you are doing the same thing.

 

But I am the you three years from now. I am out of the fog that is currently chocking your logic. Although you deny it, I think you are still running mostly on emotions and that will cloud your judgment. Heed the advice given here and a year from now you will understand you did the right thing.

 

Something else to keep in mind is that even if your marriage somehow survives this, it will NEVER be the same. Her affair will affect your marriage for the rest of your lives. And do you really want to have to look over your shoulder for the rest of your life? Do you really want to live like that? Ask yourself that question and let it sink in.