My wife may be having an affair because she's mentally stuck at 16

[Steadfast]

When things are going bad, we tend to take anything that isn't 'goodbye forever' as good news. This isn't, if what you posted is accurate.

 

In another thread now locked, you described what you believe is a 'split-self' affair because of her behavior pattern. I'm not discounting anything, but IMO she's doing nothing more than acting like a wife who has quit and searching for the best option. Again, IMO, her confusion isn't confusion but an act; the OM is not doing what she wants him to. I suspect if he said 'lets both leave and meet in Chicago' she'd have her bags packed yesterday. But he hasn't; this, despite her making the bold move of telling her husband she loved another man. She was expecting more of a return on her investment. Your role? To maintain the family structure, remain hoodwinked and stroke her ego until a better option comes along.

 

Sorry. You are playing right into her hands by being patient.

 

I'll say it again; the enemy of your marriage is not the OM. It's her. She's bringing it into your lives for whatever reason she has justified. You're shaking things up some, but not enough to really concern her. She knows you...her risks have thus far paid off. She's fairly confident you'll stay put.

 

Until she says "I love you. I'm sorry. I'll do anything to repair our marriage and keep our family together", then you have nothing. The above naturally needs to be backed up by actions to be truly valid, but it's a start.

[icDude]

yessy21, Steadfast; Am I playing into her hand? Who knows. I am maintaining a disposition of trust. But do I trust her? Heck no! She has been deciteful to me and continues to hide her corrispondence from me. But buying into paranoid thoughts, that she is up to something more, does me no good. Should I demand she show me her emails to him before they are sent. Perhaps. Or perhaps I just stay the course.

I know that the OM is not the enemy here, he is her fantasy and he is not living up to her potential as I suspected he would not. However, I continue to surprise her with my willingness to be a better man. I will give her several days to show me with her actions that she is changing her ways. I will then push no contact again. And she is not secure that I will stay put. I have already eluded to backing off entirely and suggested this weekend that we start divorce proceedings if she does not stop contact. My plan for that is in motion. Her comments were a compromise to my proposal and I left it for the moment, to let that sink in, but I will soon be moving to the basement if no contact is not begun and I will contact my lawyer to start seperation documents as well.

[icDude]

Still the question I have is...Is this a psychological break? And if so, shouldn't I stand by her through it?

[Owl]

Still the question I have is...Is this a psychological break? And if so, shouldn't I stand by her through it?

 

No one here is qualified to answer that question. Even if someone here WERE a psychologist, therapist, or witch doctor...none of them have spoken directly to your wife, nor have they gathered enough information to make a diagnosis.

 

If that truly is the crux of your decision making process...then consult a professional and get their opinion. Then get a second opinion.

 

From my side of the internet...trying to put a diagnosis to it sounds a lot like trying to look for a way to not hold her responsible or accountable for her actions...and that's the best possible way I can think of to ensure you'll never have a truly balanced, loving relationship.

 

You need to be responsible for you...and she needs to be responsible for her.

 

Looking for a bunch of internet strangers to give a diagnosis so that you feel that giving her all of the slack that you have (against the majority of the advice you've received here) probably isn't going to solve your problems.

 

FACE your problems head on and deal with them.

 

One way or another.

[icDude]

I'm not going to get pissed at all of you. I understand everything that everyone has said. I just have to think my own way out of this box. Your advice is to move on (and quickly). Also I know that you don't have all the information and can't diagnose the situation properly without it (see Owl's comment). I don't have all the info either and I am in the situation.

What I do know is that, while I can do something to push this along, and am doing so in my own way, if this really is a mental break it won't work until she comes around.

Furthermore, I can live in the same house as her for quite some time comfortably. My kids are here, my stuff is here, and its a lot cheaper than getting a divorce or living somewhere else. Plus it's my house. I've got my and my kids future to think about, so I will focus on my career. If she truly will not end this, then I can pick up a 20 something college student any day of the week for a physical fix and she can happily live in her fantasy world talking long distance with a guy who won't leave his own wife and kids. But I doubt this will keep up.

[icDude]

she still does my laundry, still makes my dinner, still gives me oral from time to time. So yeah, call me king doormat if you want.

[BetrayedH]

she still does my laundry, still makes my dinner, still gives me oral from time to time. So yeah, call me king doormat if you want.

 

For what it's worth, I'm sorry to see you get the doormat comments. I spent 7 months trying to reconciling with my wife and got called every name in the book. Cuckold was my personal favorite.

 

What I will say is that many betrayed husbands are here to tell you that the soft way didn't work. I don't know anyone here for whom it did work but I can list several for whom it didn't. In some cases, it just gave the wayward plenty of time to get their ducks in a row while they manage you. You sit there eating sh/t sandwiches thinking you're "winning" and then they leave. At the end of it, you're left wondering why you put up with that crap when kicking their ass out of the house would have forced them to live with the consequences that would motivate them to make a freakin' choice. Your inaction may be stopping you from reconciling. No good deed goes unpunished.

 

Otherwise, you may also eventually snap.

 

You probably won't take the advice, just like I didn't. People will still be here for you.

 

Good luck.

[icDude]

For what it's worth, I'm sorry to see you get the doormat comments. I spent 7 months trying to reconciling with my wife and got called every name in the book. Cuckold was my personal favorite.

 

What I will say is that many betrayed husbands are here to tell you that the soft way didn't work. I don't know anyone here for whom it did work but I can list several for whom it didn't. In some cases, it just gave the wayward plenty of time to get their ducks in a row while they manage you. You sit there eating sh/t sandwiches thinking you're "winning" and then they leave. At the end of it, you're left wondering why you put up with that crap when kicking their ass out of the house would have forced them to live with the consequences that would motivate them to make a freakin' choice. Your inaction may be stopping you from reconciling. No good deed goes unpunished.

 

Otherwise, you may also eventually snap.

 

You probably won't take the advice, just like I didn't. People will still be here for you.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for the positive tone. For what its worth, I am on her everyday about stopping the communication. I do think it is eating at her. But I am also looking at my outside options. As I said previously, I will give her until our next counseling session and push the issue again.

I can't easily leave, and I can't easily kick her out. We live in a home that we both have a legal right to be in and we have kids that I don't want to torment with our separation.

Right now she is just talking to a guy. And she claims that she is really pulling away from him. I get her point (not defending it!) that she has known this guy and is friends with other members of his family from when she was a small child. It might be hard to cut all ties.

[drifter777]

You are blind, you being played, and you don't want to see it. I'm sorry for all the BH's who come here planning to "make things work" while their WW is unwilling to fully commit to reconciliation. And that goes double for men like you who's wives won't even stop seeing the OM while you make excuses for her and groveling at her feet. It's time to wake up and see this for what it is; she's still cheating and you are letting her do it. How can you think this is a good plan? How do you think this is going to end?

[Steadfast]

Until recently there's been a thread of reason and genuine concern in your messages. Now, you're all over the place; talk of separation and divorce in one post, defending (non) action the next. Toss in misguided bravado. Understandable...these things tend to bring out the worst in people. No matter how brave a face you put on, the reality of your situation rings out.

 

Common phrases like "I can't just..." and "She's only..." are written by a person who is still trying to get his sea-legs. When you look back, you'll see what many of the posters here have seen. You are getting good advice.

 

In the grand scheme, waiting a few more days probably won't matter. What seems to be escaping you is that bold action may be the best chance you have of saving your marriage. This goes against instinct. It isn't easy.

 

The children will share the ride with you. You're doing them no favors allowing your wife to bring this into your home and lives. I'd be flat livid.

[yessy21]

Still the question I have is...Is this a psychological break? And if so, shouldn't I stand by her through it?

 

 

No. Its not. In my family this is what we call "UN TREMENDO DESCARO"--- one for doing it in your face...and two... for not stopping.

 

you can stand by her while she plays you emotionally like a fool. (im sorry if this sounds cruel) but im giving you my honest opinion.

 

You must be a really strong man to let this charade go on any longer.

 

you know what... i think you should look at this as the 80-20 rule and figure out who's the 80 and who's the 20. usually people make the mistake of leaving the 80 for the 20....thinking that the 20 was really the 80.

[icDude]

Okay. Getting my sea-legs, LOL

Update: she is still 'weening herself' from this guy, but I gave her a two week deadline and she agreed. As far as leaving... Here's the thing. If I do nothing and focus on my career, I can finish my graduate program and get a good job through the internship I am in. If I start a nasty divorce and custody battle my focus will be shifted away from these goals and may lead to a worse fate down the line, i.e. my attention will be off and my performance will suffer.

Remember in life it is not always about immediate gratification. If my wife is playing me then her time table is set. I believe, from a much earlier discussion with her, that she wants us to sell the house next summer. That is her timeline (if still applicable), which also has something to do with this OM's timeline. That timeline also works better for me, since it puts me much closer to finished with school and perhaps with a job lined up.

If indeed she plans to keep up her end of the bargain and stop talking to this guy and continue with MC, then we may be able to save this. If not; I am mentally prepared for that option.

I am continuing to work on me; my problem was negative thinking and anger management. I want to be a better person not for her, but for everyone around me, and for me. Do I think I can save this? I honestly don't care. (I love her, but I will let her go. I think staying together is the most rational choice, but so what.) I can accept her as my spouse, but she has to accept me as well. She knows what I want. And she knows that if she does not comply this marriage is over, but on my timeline not hers.

[worldgonewrong]

Update: she is still 'weening herself' from this guy, but I gave her a two week deadline and she agreed.

 

/bangs head on desk/

 

You just gave a her and the OM a coupon for 'Two Weeks Worth of Blowjobs n' More'.

 

I would not have given her two weeks. It seems strong to you; to her, it's spineless because you've drawn this line in the sand in which she has two weeks to continue her same old behavior.

And I don't believe for a second that it's an Emotional Affair. Your typical OM doesn't linger around for chit-chat.

[icDude]

/bangs head on desk/

 

You just gave a her and the OM a coupon for 'Two Weeks Worth of Blowjobs n' More'.

 

I would not have given her two weeks. It seems strong to you; to her, it's spineless because you've drawn this line in the sand in which she has two weeks to continue her same old behavior.

And I don't believe for a second that it's an Emotional Affair. Your typical OM doesn't linger around for chit-chat.

 

If you have been reading you would know that he is across the country from her. I don't really know what he is getting out of it. Seems to be emotional to me, at least for my W. She has already agreed to no physical contact. If your looking for a loser, I think I know one, and I can give you his address and phone number if you like. This is an ex boyfriend, married with 2 kids and just talking to my W on the internet and phone. Don't ask why, I guess he's a real

winner is all.

[yessy21]

/bangs head on desk/

 

You just gave a her and the OM a coupon for 'Two Weeks Worth of Blowjobs n' More'.

 

I would not have given her two weeks. It seems strong to you; to her, it's spineless because you've drawn this line in the sand in which she has two weeks to continue her same old behavior.

And I don't believe for a second that it's an Emotional Affair. Your typical OM doesn't linger around for chit-chat.[/quote

 

EXACTLY.

 

[icDude]

EXACTLY.

 

 

See above message.

[worldgonewrong]

icDude- Sorry, man - it's hard to keep Betrayed Spouse's stories straight, and I'm in that camp too.

My point being is - In 2 weeks, do you HONESTLY think she will be putting in the earnest grunt work it requires to be "weened off" this other guy?

In my opinion, you are treating her with a lot more respect (2 weeks is generous) than she is toward you.

Anyway, don't get me wrong; I really AM on your side. But don't be surprised if she manipulates the situation and you're stunned by it, even in the aftermath of your generosity.

[icDude]

icDude- Sorry, man - it's hard to keep Betrayed Spouse's stories straight, and I'm in that camp too.

My point being is - In 2 weeks, do you HONESTLY think she will be putting in the earnest grunt work it requires to be "weened off" this other guy?

In my opinion, you are treating her with a lot more respect (2 weeks is generous) than she is toward you.

Anyway, don't get me wrong; I really AM on your side. But don't be surprised if she manipulates the situation and you're stunned by it, even in the aftermath of your generosity.

 

I am being very generous with her, mostly because I think she's gone mental. Honestly, if I can't get her back I am going to stay married to her just so she is covered under my medical insurance for the psychological testing she needs. She will always be the mother of my children, and since that is true, I want her has sane as possible when helping to raise them.

[g450]

If you have been reading you would know that he is across the country from her. I don't really know what he is getting out of it. Seems to be emotional to me, at least for my W. She has already agreed to no physical contact. If your looking for a loser, I think I know one, and I can give you his address and phone number if you like. This is an ex boyfriend, married with 2 kids and just talking to my W on the internet and phone. Don't ask why, I guess he's a real

winner is all.

 

That doesnt mean a ****ing thing icDude!

 

My situation was similar to yours. EA with her HS lover from 37 years ago. Online romance thanks to FB and classmates.com. He lives in FL, we lived in TX.

 

Fact is, her EA travels and so did my XW. And they both loved to go to HS reunions. Like you I have no proof of a PA but had he came to my state I guarantee they had sex if he was down here. And the fact that he was married and had something like four or five kids didnt mean a damn thing to him. I even contacted him and he played dumb and gave me the usual "we are just friends" BS.

 

You are still being a doormat. She is walking all over you. How many people have to tell you this before you get it?

 

Do what I did. Separate your finances and file for divorce and give her a wake up call as to what her life is going to be like! That is the ONLY WAY you are going to get through to her and if that doesnt work then your marriage is already over. You just haven got the news yet.

 

It hurt to read your OP because my situation was so similar. But buddy you have to wake up and you need to do it now.

[g450]

I am being very generous with her, mostly because I think she's gone mental. Honestly, if I can't get her back I am going to stay married to her just so she is covered under my medical insurance for the psychological testing she needs. She will always be the mother of my children, and since that is true, I want her has sane as possible when helping to raise them.

 

I thought the same exact thing. In fact she got all her other medical stuff up to date on my dime because she was planning on leaving me.

 

My lesson learned: She will deny she has a problem. And you cant force her to go. Its a losing battle. And honestly, it may be that both your wife and my XW has nothing wrong with them. You need to consider this.

 

You are wasting your time. Take the advise given to you. You cant play soft. Play hard. From the sound of it she emotionally left you long ago just like my XW did. Get the legal part done and over with and begin to heal. Its all you can do.

Edited August 22, 2012 by g450

[icDude]

I thought the same exact thing. In fact she got all her other medical stuff up to date on my dime because she was planning on leaving me.

 

My lesson learned: She will deny she has a problem. And you cant force her to go. Its a losing battle. And honestly, it may be that both your wife and my XW has nothing wrong with them. You need to consider this.

 

You are wasting your time. Take the advise given to you. You cant play soft. Play hard. From the sound of it she emotionally left you long ago just like my XW did. Get the legal part done and over with and begin to heal. Its all you can do.

 

She is already going to IC and MC with me. I don't think that she had turned herself off from me that long ago. As I said we just had a child 6 months ago. And it was her idea to have another one. I guess it could just have been mommy instinct, but if she wanted out, would that be something she wanted to do?

 

I hear your hurt g450, and I am sorry for what you went through. Literally feel your pain. But I have turned my emotions off. She can not hurt me anymore. Like I said, if she is playing me with her intentions to change than that will come out in the wash. I will not have further emotional scars. I am being tough. I have given her a time line and plan to stick to it. when the time line is done she will have to show me her resolve or I will move toward legal separation of assets, but hold off on divorce until it is more convenient to me. Unless she wants to pull the trigger, which she will not, at least for a while.

 

Honestly, I believe that she got tired of my anger and felt that I was never going to change. Which made her seek the arms of another. That said, she is beginning to see that I am changing and am doing things that prove my efforts in that direction. Is that enough? Like I said, time will tell.

[Owl]

Okay. Getting my sea-legs, LOL

Update: she is still 'weening herself' from this guy, but I gave her a two week deadline and she agreed.

 

OK...what, specifically, happens in two weeks and one day if she has any contact with OM?

 

How will you know if she does or does not? How will she demonstrate to you in two weeks that she is no longer in contact with him?

 

What, specifically, did you tell her would happen in two weeks if contact continued?

[turnera]

We are going to joint and individual counseling and I have exposed the affair to anyone I can.

My attempts to end the affair have been not so successful

You're going about this all wrong. You say end the affair or I'm divorcing you.

 

Period.

 

You didn't do that so she felt entitled to keep BOTH of you. Sucks, doesn't it?

 

So stop being a doormat and tell her cut off all communication or I'm filing.

 

There's nothing more to discuss.

 

Oh, and if you think they met up and didn't have sex you're a bigger fool yet.

[turnera]

I am being very generous with her, mostly because I think she's gone mental. Honestly, if I can't get her back I am going to stay married to her just so she is covered under my medical insurance for the psychological testing she needs. She will always be the mother of my children, and since that is true, I want her has sane as possible when helping to raise them.

She can do that from another household.

[icDude]

So in response. She says she didn't have sex and I have asked several times. She is a piss poor lie-r when confronted. Plus I read a private email between them when his wife confronted him and his comment to my wife was 'I told her most of what happened but not about the making out,' Again, suggesting that the didn't seal the deal.

But I digress. Who cares if they did it? The major point is this crazy 'love' thing that she won't give up.

Here's what happens in two weeks. I ask her if she has stopped talking to him. Her response will be obvious, since she is piss poor when confronted. If she lies I'll know. She will also need to show me proof. i.e. that she has erased him from facebook, and has no current emails from him. I will insist on this. I will not say anything about divorce.

I will however, get a good feel about what she is willing to divulge and go to my lawyer to discuss legal separation or divorce if that is his legal advice.

She has been warned that she can not keep both of us.

Her position is as one might expect. She wants to keep both of us. She doesn't want to let this guy go, but she is going to do it to make our marriage work. She says she knows she should try to make this work.

She still doesn't know if she wants to.

I am not pushing what she wants or doesn't want, I can't control that. I can tell her what will work and what won't (for me). It won't work for her to keep talking to this guy, It also will not work if she does not want us to work.

A legal separation, if I understand correctly, will protect my assets. It also might scare her into thinking I am serious. If she can't stop talking to him then I will move to another room and start seeing other women. But I will wait on divorce, as I have said in a previous post, due to my own timing issues.