My wife may be having an affair because she's mentally stuck at 16

[icDude]

All right forum followers, I have posted my story previously in two threads. The last one has been closed by the moderator due to off topic discussion. But none the less I would like to use this forum to document my attempts to save my marriage and so have started a new thread.

 

Some back-story and new developments: My W is having an emotional affair; this affair, as far as I am aware has not turned sexual, although foundling may have occurred.

The OM is her high school boyfriend. From what I know she has been talking to him off and on for the entire duration of my 9 and 1/2 year relationship with her. We had a child out of wedlock nearly 8 years ago, and (new to me) she was seeing him during her pregnancy while I was away in another state, having my own fling (we had been separated at the time). Since then we have been together, but she has been in communication with him on at least two occasions (besides the current offense), once the year before we were married and once after the birth of our second child (these were long term communications, not one offs). Now we have had the birth of our third child and she has started up communication with him again. She has said that she loves him this time and met up with him during a trip to her home town. Her behavior after said trip led me to the questioning and d-day (now over a month ago). We are going to joint and individual counseling and I have exposed the affair to anyone I can.

My attempts to end the affair have been not so successful, however, she said just the other day that "things were rapidly going in my favor," whatever that means.

 

The question: Based on my wife's history with this man, and on the damage in our relationship (more of which can be found in previous threads, just read my posts.) And the additional information that her father committed suicide within the same time frame that she started seeing this guy originally. Does anyone think that psychological help will get my W to break ties with her 16 year old self and start acting like an adult?

[Owl]

IC, this will probably be my last bit of advice for you my friend.

 

Individual counseling and therapy may help your wife deal with the issues caused by her father's suicide.

 

It won't do anything to improve the situation she created by having her emotional affair with the other guy. IC is usually all about treating that one person...often at the cost of any kind of marriage or romantic relationship.

 

MC would be your best bet, if you can find one and INSIST that your wife attend as well.

 

Your best bet remains to stay the course...set boundaries, enforce as needed, and above all do not let her treat you like a doormat.

 

Beyond that...time will tell whether or not your wife will give you the chance to demonstrate if you've changed from past behaviors or not.

 

I wish you the best.

[carhill]

Considering the circumstances, and that you, OP, are the person here asking for advice, I would highly suggest IC for yourself to both clarify your own role in the marital dynamic, your past actions and to learn tools to process current events. Knowledge and clarity are powerful.

 

The only person you can control is you. Your choices are your own. I wish you well in making them.

[BetrayedH]

The IC success stories that I hear are connected to a wayward that is trying to change their stripes and determine the "why" behind their infidelity. The logical and healthy choices for someone in an unhappy marriage are to either fix it or leave (not to betray your spouse and keep them faithful while you are unfaithful, especially considering the risk of a nuke being dropped on the marriage and kids).

 

But these IC success stories come AFTER the affair has ended and during an attempted reconciliation (from the point of a remorseful wayward spouse). Otherwise, ICs may not even encourage the wayward to end their affair since their goal (as Owl said) is not to save the marriage but to jealously represent their own client.

 

Thus, Owl is right that MC is most appropriate since their goal would very likely be to restore the marriage. Sadly, most counselors are not very good at makin this transition and remain frozen in a neutral position that never really holds the wayward accountable. My MC could not have been a more effective faciliatator at rugsweeping my wife's affair. It was damn nearly irrelevant as he tried not to pick a side. A normal IC knows exactly whose side they are on (and her IC will not be on yours).

[CarrieT]

We had a child out of wedlock nearly 8 years ago, and (new to me) she was seeing him during her pregnancy while I was away in another state, having my own fling (we had been separated at the time).

 

Insist on a DNA test for the child ASAP. Could drastically change the dynamic of your relationship.

[carhill]

OP, my apologies. I missed that you are already in IC. How is that going for you?

 

I would agree that MC is the healthiest vehicle to recover the M, as the M is the client. That is predicated upon the MC practitioner being skilled and successful at reconciling marriages to a healthy state.

 

However, as you have no control over what your wife does, either with regards to the affair or her counseling choices, it follows that you must do what is in your best interest.

 

If you filed for divorce and made motions for custody today, what is the worst possible thing that could happen? 'Worst' implies fear. What do you fear the most? Boil it down to one thing. Work that fear.

[yessy21]

Alright... Here it goes.

She is still infatuated with that man. he is just toying her along. she will understand eventually but meanwhile... do you still want to be her second choice? Sounds like if she could... she would drop you like a bad habbit. I hope you have made sure those children are yours...and stop lying to yourself... you know very well that they have had sex. A LOT. Emotional Affair by Arse.

[icDude]

Insist on a DNA test for the child ASAP. Could drastically change the dynamic of your relationship.

 

You know I made a stink about that at the time. And now that my kid is 7, there is no way she isn't my child (same genetically inherited behavior problems). Plus the way my W pines over this guy and wants him now, she would have picked him over me. I was the jerk who left her, he's the one who stepped in when I was away. (like the creepy little worm that he is).

[icDude]

Alright... Here it goes.

She is still infatuated with that man. he is just toying her along. she will understand eventually but meanwhile... do you still want to be her second choice? Sounds like if she could... she would drop you like a bad habbit. I hope you have made sure those children are yours...and stop lying to yourself... you know very well that they have had sex. A LOT. Emotional Affair by Arse.

 

Yeah I could check. And maybe I will, but in the second two cases, we were actively trying to have kids. And they live really far apart (across the country) so this is primarily a phone and internet romance (though other stuff could have transpired). The last two times she talked to him he was stationed in Iraq.

[road]

Insist on a DNA test for the child ASAP. Could drastically change the dynamic of your relationship.

 

Insist on a DNA test. There has to be a reason your WW can not go NC with the OM after all these years.

[yessy21]

O.O he's in the military? okay... im starting to understand this a little more. oh man. She's in love with love. by the way ... DNA test cost 40 bucks... Walmart has them. they work. (Personal experience with my cousins child)

She wants Romance that apparently you werent providing... and he is giving her that part. Now... ask yourself this... If he were to be there... in the same city... Dont you think that they will carry it out? Unless he is absolutley toying with her and just using her to maskerade his loneliness. if your wife is really attractive.. he might just really still like her. i feel like if something is missing out of this. like if there is something that your not seeing.

[Owl]

IF he's active duty military, you may have a lot more options on forcing this situation to end than if he's a civilian. If he's active duty...his behavior is in direct conflict with the UCMJ.

 

If he is active duty...you need to inform his chain of command that he's engaged in an emotional affair with your wife.

 

THEY CAN FORCE HIM TO GO NC WITH HER, OR HE RISKS ACTION UNDER UCMJ.

[scatterd]

I am sorry you are hurting. It might take a big dose of reality to wake her up. Some people have to learn the hard way. If she had a normal relationship with him she would find out he is not what she thinks. She needs to let go of her past. Do not let her walk all over you also.

Be kind and let her know what she is going to loose but

do not be a push over. good Luck

Edited August 20, 2012 by scatterd

[icDude]

IF he's active duty military, you may have a lot more options on forcing this situation to end than if he's a civilian. If he's active duty...his behavior is in direct conflict with the UCMJ.

 

If he is active duty...you need to inform his chain of command that he's engaged in an emotional affair with your wife.

 

THEY CAN FORCE HIM TO GO NC WITH HER, OR HE RISKS ACTION UNDER UCMJ.

 

What if he is now reserve?

[icDude]

O.O he's in the military? okay... im starting to understand this a little more. oh man. She's in love with love. by the way ... DNA test cost 40 bucks... Walmart has them. they work. (Personal experience with my cousins child)

She wants Romance that apparently you werent providing... and he is giving her that part. Now... ask yourself this... If he were to be there... in the same city... Dont you think that they will carry it out? Unless he is absolutley toying with her and just using her to maskerade his loneliness. if your wife is really attractive.. he might just really still like her. i feel like if something is missing out of this. like if there is something that your not seeing.

 

I think that they had a chance and my W turned it down (have personal communications between them to that affect). She wants something safe and distant. And she is attractive... and he's an f-n slob (this is purely a fairy tale from her childhood, I think)

[yessy21]

I must say.... i think 9 years is too long to keep this fantasy up.

Im pretty sure you want this to end already. its time for a heart to heart talk about wether or not this is going to work for you. unless you want to keep living this way. Its disrespectful to you. in every way.

[icDude]

I must say.... i think 9 years is too long to keep this fantasy up.

Im pretty sure you want this to end already. its time for a heart to heart talk about wether or not this is going to work for you. unless you want to keep living this way. Its disrespectful to you. in every way.

 

I agree... it needs to end now. But my past and her past was traumatic, not that that is an excuse, but we had a real rocky road for many of those years and it was only after marriage 4 years ago that I began to put my crazy lifestyle aside and become a committed family man. She may have already checked out by then. Before that, she may have had good cause to keep this guy as a back up plan.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I dunno... You can't control anyone. I tried like hell to contol my wife and to get her to do the right thing. Doesn't work. You can choose to be with her or not. I think all you can do is make a decision based on who she is right now. If she really wants to be with you she'll prove herself, otherwise...it's just not worth it. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to fix something that's not yours to fix.

[icDude]

I dunno... You can't control anyone. I tried like hell to contol my wife and to get her to do the right thing. Doesn't work. You can choose to be with her or not. I think all you can do is make a decision based on who she is right now. If she really wants to be with you she'll prove herself' date=' otherwise...it's just not worth it. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to fix something that's not yours to fix.[/quote']

 

I'm fixing me. And hoping she see's the changes. But if this is going to work she needs to fix her too, which means stopping this affair for good. I have told her that. I am going to give her some space to figure it out. But only some, like until our next counseling session. If that doesn't work I am not divorcing but I am moving on (for real, a total mental separation, but physically still around for the kids). I have alluded to this as well. Then she will have to fight much harder to get me back.

[carhill]

What if he is now reserve?

Personal Jurisdiction

 

The UCMJ applies to all members of the Uniformed services of the United States: the Air Force, Army, Coast Guard, Marine Corps, Navy, National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration Commissioned Corps, and Public Health Service Commissioned Corps. The Coast Guard is administered under Title 14 of the United States Code when not operating as part of the U.S. Navy. However, commissioned members of the NOAA and PHS are only subject to the UCMJ when attached or detailed to a military unit or are militarized by presidential executive order.

Members of the military Reserve Components under Title 10 of the United States Code (Army Reserve, Navy Reserve, Marine Forces Reserve, and Air Force Reserve) or Title 14 of the United States Code, Coast Guard Reserve when not operating as part of the U.S. Navy, are subject to the UCMJ if they are either (a) active duty Full-Time Support personnel such as FTS or Active Guard and Reserve (AGR), or (b) traditional part-time reservists performing either (a) full-time active duty for a specific period (i.e., Annual Training, Active Duty for Training, Active Duty for Operational Support, Active Duty Special Work, One Year Recall, Three Year Recall, Canvasser Recruiter, Mobilization, etc.), or (b) performing Inactive Duty (i.e. Inactive Duty Training, Inactive Duty Travel and Training, Unit Training Assembly, Additional Training Periods, Additional Flying Training Periods, Reserve Management Periods, etc., all of which are colloquially known as "drills"

 

 

You can confirm with local JAG officials. This was sourced from Wikipedia

[Owl]

What if he is now reserve?

 

Then he is still subject to the Uniform Code of Military Justice. UCMJ actually does have articles covering adultery and conduct unbecoming.

 

So...what you need is his name, rank, and unit (if you have it...since he's reserve, it's not usually too hard to figure out what unit he's attached to...it'll be whatever unit is closest to him physically...you can look that up with a google search). When you search his unit, look for a PAO (Public Affairs Office) to contact...and inform them that you need to speak with the Inspector General office covering that unit/area. You shouldn't have to give much detail on the situation at that point, simply let them know that you need to speak with the IG. Alternatively, they could connect you with the unit commander.

 

Once you get his CO or the IG on the phone...explain the full situation to them. Explain to them that his affair...the ongoing adultery he's committing with your wife (use that word, adultery) is destroying your marriage, and you're aware that this is conduct unbecoming a service member (use that phrase..."conduct unbecoming a service member"). Explain to them that you're aware that this is in violation of the UCMJ (see acronym spelled out above), and that you're asking their assistance in ending this situation by requesting that they no longer allow this service member to continue to contact your wife in any fashion or form.

 

Odds are...that's what they'll do. Give him a direct order to end any and all contact with your wife. If he continues to do so after they've given him that order...inform them of the violation, and he'll potentially face punishment under UCMJ.

 

The fact that he's military will likely work to your advantage here.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I'm fixing me. And hoping she see's the changes. But if this is going to work she needs to fix her too, which means stopping this affair for good. I have told her that. I am going to give her some space to figure it out. But only some, like until our next counseling session. If that doesn't work I am not divorcing but I am moving on (for real, a total mental separation, but physically still around for the kids). I have alluded to this as well. Then she will have to fight much harder to get me back.

Sounds like a good plan, I had the same idea for a while actually. It's just a matter of pulling it off. Good luck man, hopefully she steps up better than mine did.

[whichwayisup]

Does anyone think that psychological help will get my W to break ties with her 16 year old self and start acting like an adult?

 

Is your wife willing to go? That's up to her. If her past memories are too painful and she's acting out, reverting back to a 16 year old, she may not change her ways until she is forced to or suffers major consquences.

 

Counselling could help you cope with all this too.

 

How are the kids handling it? They must see how different she is? Or does she pull it together as a parent, while at home?

[icDude]

Well, yesterday, my W said that she was going to 'ween' herself away form the OM. This was in response to my suggestions about working on our marriage days before. She said she couldn't go 'cold turkey' and had tried that before. I told her to seek help from her friends and maybe a forum like this one for advice on stopping as I had seen that it was hard to stop something like this from members of this forum.

While it isn't exactly what I want, I took it as a positive step in the right direction and left it at that. Any debate may have just pushed her back the other way. A few more days and I will push the issue again.

But now I am constantly jumpy about her lack of interest in us and the potential for another man to slip into her mind (and heart).

Erg.

 

Thanks for the advice on the UCMJ, I will look into that if this continues much further. As far as therapy... I haven't brought up the subject again. The cogs in her head are slow to turn. I have planted the seed and will see if it grows. One step at a time, I keep saying, ...one slow step at a time.

[yessy21]

Honestly, if you dont see a change soon... your going to have to make a decision. you are just prolonging the situation. if she really is serious about this she will have no problem letting you read emails before they are sent to him and so on. Trust has to be earned not given.