BeautyRush Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Background: My husband and I broke up when my daughter was only 5 months old. I filed for a domestic violence and a restraining order against him. He never reached out nor attempted to see his daughter again. Few months later, our marriage was finally annulled. After 2 months from break up, I had to go to another state for a work. I left my baby to my parents and got a nanny for her. I went home every month and this goes for more than a year until I decided to go back home and be with her finally. Now, my daughter is already 2 years and 7 months old to be exact. Everytime she sees me, she would scream and cry and got really scared of me. It hurts me a lot. I tried talking and asking her why but she just cries and says she's scared of me. Why? What should I do? I get really frustrated at times. I feel so defeated and sometimes, I would cry myself. She got so attached with her nanny. Initially, if she sees someone new, she would cry but later on she gets friendly with them. Now, I've been home 6months already and she sees me everyday yet she still screams and cries whenever I'm around. What have I done to cause this? Does she hate me for leaving her? What should I do for her to "not get scared" of me? She throws tantrums and won't stop crying til I leave her room. Help!
TaraMaiden Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Go into the room. Pay no attention to her, don't try to connect with her, don't talk to her, don't look at her. do something really interesting with a colourful toy, or something that looks fascinating. (You can but some good quality 2nd-hand toys from charity shops, or items of colourful clothing for her age group.) Try to find toys that come in several parts, or that come to bits for reconstruction.... Ignore her reaction, sit on the floor, and start playing with the toy or whatever it is you have.... Don't budge an inch, don't look at her, and completely ignore whatever she's doing....just carry on playing... Gradually, bit by bit, her curiosity will get the better of her.... she will come and be curious about what you're doing. Just let her participate and join in.... let her take something from you, and look at it... pick something else up gently, and start playing with that... she'll want to see what you're doing. Let her take over. Just sit, look at what she's doing - not at her - and just observe how she calms down.... let her natural interest and curiosity, calm her down. Never force the issue, or try to impose yourself on her. Gradually, she will come to accept you as trustworthy, pleasant to be around, and interesting. Another time, also have a bowl of dry raisins, or sliced peeled apple... or banana bits.... let her see you eat one.... she may enjoy eating them too. Offer her a piece.... Make all your moves slow, and deliberate, not jerky or sudden... don't force the "I'm your mummy" issue.... One day, she will come to you, smiling, holding out the toy to play with you. Be patient... and take it slowly.... 8
Author BeautyRush Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 Thank you so much Tara. You always give the best advice I will try this today.
pink_sugar Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 The first few years of a baby's life is very critical. My mom went on vacation for a month when I was 1 or 2 and my dad would tell me "mommy doesn't love you, mommy abandoned you" and needless to say, I was reluctant to go to her when she came home. Babies and toddlers have short memory spans and when I brought this up to my counselor, she said it is essential to be with your baby for the first few years of life for positive emotional development. The baby may not remember it, but the time the mother and/or father was gone is a very difficult transition for a baby or toddler. 1
Author BeautyRush Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 The first few years of a baby's life is very critical. My mom went on vacation for a month when I was 1 or 2 and my dad would tell me "mommy doesn't love you, mommy abandoned you" and needless to say, I was reluctant to go to her when she came home. Babies and toddlers have short memory spans and when I brought this up to my counselor, she said it is essential to be with your baby for the first few years of life for positive emotional development. The baby may not remember it, but the time the mother and/or father was gone is a very difficult transition for a baby or toddler. My Gosh! This makes me feel really bad... SIGH! The other day, I got too frustrated because I couldn't take her screaming anymore. So when I entered her room, I asked her nanny to step out and my daughter went ballistic, as always! Like she saw a scary ghost about to snatch her. She kept screaming, jumping for nanny! I just sit on her bed calmly. She pulled my hand, jumped at me with all the screaming and asking me to carry her out to nanny. I kept my cool and in a very low and slow voice, I asked her not to scream and be calm because we're getting out of the room to look for nanny. She asked me to dressed her up and put her shoes on while still crying out loud. I told her I will get her dressed if she calms down and asks me quietly. Viola! She did! It was like magic! The whole afternoon, she wasn't scared of me anymore! I was so shocked! But early that evening, my mom was home and my daughter was with her and when I went down and she saw me, there... She started crying again... urgh! Did I do it right the other day? It was like forcing her or leaving her no choice to do the right thing... errr... I do hope I'm not causing any psychological damage to her...
florence of suburbia Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Is it possible she fears you will take her away from her nanny permanently, who right now is the primary mother figure?
Greznog Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Background: My husband and I broke up when my daughter was only 5 months old. I filed for a domestic violence and a restraining order against him. He never reached out nor attempted to see his daughter again. Few months later, our marriage was finally annulled. After 2 months from break up, I had to go to another state for a work. I left my baby to my parents and got a nanny for her. I went home every month and this goes for more than a year until I decided to go back home and be with her finally. Now, my daughter is already 2 years and 7 months old to be exact. Everytime she sees me, she would scream and cry and got really scared of me. It hurts me a lot. I tried talking and asking her why but she just cries and says she's scared of me. Why? What should I do? I get really frustrated at times. I feel so defeated and sometimes, I would cry myself. She got so attached with her nanny. Initially, if she sees someone new, she would cry but later on she gets friendly with them. Now, I've been home 6months already and she sees me everyday yet she still screams and cries whenever I'm around. What have I done to cause this? Does she hate me for leaving her? What should I do for her to "not get scared" of me? She throws tantrums and won't stop crying til I leave her room. Help! It's because children form their closest bonds during their first years of life, you weren't around, your parents were. If you were gone for a year she doesn't consider you her mother in the same sense that other children do.
sb129 Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 You may be her mother, but unfortunately due to your limited presence in her life, you arent really her parent right now. Tara's suggestion is best- you need to bond with your daughter slowly, and gain her trust and confidence. This will take time- be patient.
austyre Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 actually let her come too you when she is ready, Do what your doing just being in her presence allows her too form her own opinion and building relationships take time, Being scared and crying in your presences would be hard for you to adjust especially if your trying your best( don't blame yourself patience is the key to the future:)
Wolfcub Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 I do hope I'm not causing any psychological damage to her... Babies do this easily - both forget you and get friendly again. My youngest daughter was about 1 year old when I went away to work for some 2-2,5 months. She stayed with my husband, older brother and my parents, all in one big house. When I returned it was not that bad as with your daughter, but she did completely ignore me for several weeks. I tried to be nice and not force myself on her, just like the forum here advises you. It worked. Now she is 18 and we have fantastic relations. So don't panic, it will smooth out!
Ninja'sHusband Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 My Gosh! This makes me feel really bad... SIGH! The other day, I got too frustrated because I couldn't take her screaming anymore. So when I entered her room, I asked her nanny to step out and my daughter went ballistic, as always! Like she saw a scary ghost about to snatch her. She kept screaming, jumping for nanny! I just sit on her bed calmly. She pulled my hand, jumped at me with all the screaming and asking me to carry her out to nanny. I kept my cool and in a very low and slow voice, I asked her not to scream and be calm because we're getting out of the room to look for nanny. She asked me to dressed her up and put her shoes on while still crying out loud. I told her I will get her dressed if she calms down and asks me quietly. Viola! She did! It was like magic! The whole afternoon, she wasn't scared of me anymore! I was so shocked! But early that evening, my mom was home and my daughter was with her and when I went down and she saw me, there... She started crying again... urgh! Did I do it right the other day? It was like forcing her or leaving her no choice to do the right thing... errr... I do hope I'm not causing any psychological damage to her... Wow this sounds like a total power struggle. Have you tried Tara's idea yet? I'd love to know how that worked out.
GorillaTheater Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Go into the room. Pay no attention to her, don't try to connect with her, don't talk to her, don't look at her. do something really interesting with a colourful toy, or something that looks fascinating. (You can but some good quality 2nd-hand toys from charity shops, or items of colourful clothing for her age group.) Try to find toys that come in several parts, or that come to bits for reconstruction.... Ignore her reaction, sit on the floor, and start playing with the toy or whatever it is you have.... Don't budge an inch, don't look at her, and completely ignore whatever she's doing....just carry on playing... Gradually, bit by bit, her curiosity will get the better of her.... she will come and be curious about what you're doing. Just let her participate and join in.... let her take something from you, and look at it... pick something else up gently, and start playing with that... she'll want to see what you're doing. Let her take over. Just sit, look at what she's doing - not at her - and just observe how she calms down.... let her natural interest and curiosity, calm her down. Never force the issue, or try to impose yourself on her. Gradually, she will come to accept you as trustworthy, pleasant to be around, and interesting. Another time, also have a bowl of dry raisins, or sliced peeled apple... or banana bits.... let her see you eat one.... she may enjoy eating them too. Offer her a piece.... Make all your moves slow, and deliberate, not jerky or sudden... don't force the "I'm your mummy" issue.... One day, she will come to you, smiling, holding out the toy to play with you. Be patient... and take it slowly.... Great advice, and it occurred to me that this same method works with horses.
2sure Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Maybe she initially was afraid of you because you were not there day to day for so long. And maybe her reaction has simply become her habit , or since she has done it so long..she genuinely feels afraid, but has no reason to be...its has become her normal with you. Ignore the behavior and dont be pushy about it just like TM said.
TaraMaiden Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Great advice, and it occurred to me that this same method works with horses. ...And dogs....) If 'you' bear in mind that children, without any guidance, control, education or direction, are - to put it bluntly - miniature little 'savages' - they learn behaviour from us. Where their vocabulary is limited, body language amply fills the gap. You have to communicate at a level that is comfortable for them, and which they can digest, quite quickly. Often, speaking, cajoling, and other forms of vocal interaction, serve no purpose but to distress them further. Calm, silence and gestures work brilliantly. 1
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