Pudge Posted July 16, 2004 Posted July 16, 2004 Ok so here's the story. Me and my girlfriend have been together since high school. We've been together for 4 and a half years, living together for most of it with her step-dad. I know that seems kinda wierd but she's got a whole messed up family thing and i was going to school about 2 hours away for 2 years. Things have been rough for a long time now, but only at times. All the sudden i'll come home from work and she'll be sitting there saying we need to talk. Basically it's the same thing everytime she'll have all this pent up stuff, I wish my brain wasn't so scrambled right now i could remeber what more of it was. Basically she'll tell me that she's not happy, that I hurt her feelings alot of times and made her feel bad(99% of the time i never knew i was hurting her, she would'nt say anything) Then she would say that i guess basically I was holding her back. I made her guilty when she wanted to go out with her friends or that she wanted things like tattoos that I wasn't so fond of. Also it would always get brought up that I didn't help out around the house like I should. It's been the same thing everytime, sometimes we would break up for a few days then get back together. Which basically consisted of me saying how sorry I was and how I would try so much harder(which i was really genuine about I would try so hard and then I would go back to doing the same old crap again never really noticing what was going on). And things would seem good for a few months and then never saying anything I would come home and it would start all over again. Well last time it happened we got the bright idea that it would be so much better if we got an apt by ourselves without her dad being there and she was going to try to tell me more and I was going to try to correct my errors. So we did (which I now terribly regret) Basically where I'm at now is we've gone through most of the talking and she's decided that she's going to move back in with her dad which of course I told her I didn't not want her to I was sooo sorry(I don't want people to take this the wrong way I really am sorry) and I wanted to change... I loved her soo much and she was everything to me. She basically told me she'd heard all that before and it didn't work. So here I am sitting in front of my computer in an empty house. I came home today to see that all of her close were gone and she took alot of here things.. No furniture but basically everything else. I was hystarical, uncontrollable crying etc etc. I called her and left a message for her to come and talk of course no response. So I got on the ended up here and started reading some of the posts. I feel like a deadbeat for a few minutes, then I'll try to tell myself it's not all my fault. Then I start thinking about all the ways were finacially tied together, signed on a lease to an apt I can't afford by myself, etc etc and what I'm going to do about that. I really feel like she's kind of dumped it all on me. I'm just kinda going nuts here. I don't really know what I'm asking here just for some advice/consolment I dunno Sorry for lengthy post and poor grammar etc.
rhonda Posted July 16, 2004 Posted July 16, 2004 This response is assuming that you are fairly young 18-23? It sounds to me that you truly love your girlfriend but since the two of you have been together so long neither of you has had a chance to experience the independence that I believe is an essential part of appreciating a great relationship. I know money can be a stress. Sub-lease the apartment if necessary. Maybe you could forfeit the deposit and break lease then get a cheaper apartment. Stay together, date, spend the entire weekend together even, but try living apart for awhile. That way you will appreciate each other when you do get another apartment or even a house together. In the meantime, instead of coming home from work and thinking about her, missing her, calling her, go out with your friends. Go to the gym, take a class for fun. Be content in the knowledge that someday you will be together and it will be great because you both took the time to be independent and try a variety of experiences while you were young.
Author Pudge Posted July 17, 2004 Author Posted July 17, 2004 Thanks, that actually makes me feel a little better. i went out with a friend of mine tonight had a couple of beers and shot a little pool. Yes you are correct, I am 22. I talked to the people we rent from today and told them my situation, basically they said if I wanted they would start advertising the apt and I would only be resposible for paying the rent until they rented it to someone. So I think I'll try and talk to my mom tommorow and see if I can temporarly move in until they get it rented out and I can find a smaller more affordable place. I talked to alot of people about this today that I work with, my parents, etc. I got alot of differnt oppinions some that I thought were good some were bad they probally varied soo much because it's so hard to try to tell someone the story in just a few minutes. My dad said he thought that it might be best, he said that we were basically maturing at different speeds and that he thought she just wasn't ready to be "tied down" and it was better that I found out sooner than later. Well she called me this afternoon, I had no idea what to say, I didn't want to seem pathetic but didn't want to come off as uncaring. Basically all we talked about was what were we going to do with the apt, furniture, etc etc. I was kind of suprised when she told me she wasn't just going to leave me high and dry just because we were whatever(I asked her what she meant by whatever she said split up). She said tommorrow she was going to come and get her computer and was going to leave everything else until i decided what I was going to have to do then we would figure it all out. I wish she just would have been mean about it, in fact I really didn't want to answer the phone today which was also suprising because I wanted to talk to her sooo badly last night. Which somehow we got on the subject of that how I thought it was probally good we didn't talk last night and that I had a little bit better grip on things today. I then told her that I had talked to a few people about it. Of course she asked what everyone had to say. For some reason I was very vague about everyone except for my dad which I told her what he said. She then says "O so your dad thinks I'm imature?" I said no no no... just that we(for some reason I said we) agreed that you just don't seem ready for a (I think I said serious, or something along those lines) relationship, you seem like you want to go out with your friend and party , etc etc... She then seemed really hurt by that and said "party?" I didn't know what to say so I just told her that I had better get off the phone and get ready to go out before I made anything any worse. Man this is so confusing I'm trying to stay busy and asked a friend about the gym he goes to.... It's just so overwhelming right now and it's hard to find things to do that I don't have to spend an arm and a leg. Well I've made plans for tommorow "going fishing in the morning and out with some friends at night" and I've made plans for next saturday. I would love to ask her if she just still wanted to date and not live together but i'm so afraid that it will just push her away, make me look pathetic and feel rejected more.
Author Pudge Posted July 22, 2004 Author Posted July 22, 2004 OK, here's an update. For one thing GREAT advice!!! In fact I basically told her that I posted on here and I told her what you said and that I thought it was very true/a good idea. At first she wasn't so fond of anything to do with me. But tonight I brang some stuff over to her dad's apt and helped her set her computer up. We talked for a little while and I think what you said is exactly what were going to do. She said a few weeks to herself just talking to each other on the phone etc. to clear her head to try and start with a clean slate. I said I really missed her and wanted to spend time with her badly but that I had to start trying to do things I thought were best instead of just what I wanted at the time. So ,wow, I really hope this works out. I definitely feel a little better and yet a little scared at the same time. Rhonda thank you for spending the time to read my long horribly composed post and giving me such great incite/advice.
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