When will it get easier?

[waterwoman]

Hi,

 

I'm new here. I never thought I'd need to be somewhere like this .

 

2 months ago I discovered texts on h's phone to a coworker. About a hundred from just a few days. In one of them he said 'I love everything about you'. I tackled him. It was just supportive apparently .

 

A few days later he came clean and admitted he had been having an affair with her (he didn't use those words). In fact the first thing he said was 'I love her'. Which cut like a knife. It was over - she had ended it a week earlier because she' couldn't have all of him' but they had continued texting as friends - but he had gone NC as soon as I found the texts. He told me the facts more or less immediately - I dug and dug later but still nothing more was forthcoming. He didn't have sex with her just 'heavy petting' (which made me laugh to be honest as it sounds so old-fashioned) and kissing and they had said they loved each other. It started in January when I was particularly remote as I was in the depths of depression before I started taking the meds again. I did notice that was more cold towards me than usual and more iritable with the kids. He tells me he never critisisised me to her. He tells me that he never intended to leave me. It wqasn't that he didn't love me or find me attractive, it was just flattering for him and he was suffering some sort of mid-life crisis. All of that - I can accept, to be honest I don't care that much anymore - if it's over those don't really matter.

 

But...and he's the nub, is it really over. He didn't show me the texts he sent her to tell her it was over. He 'can't remember' what exactly they texted each other and said to each other afterwards. So I am finding it hard to feel 100% sure that they are finished. I have to take it on trust - but for the first time in our marriage (20 yrs) I have reason not to trust him. I searched his phone to see what he was saying to his friends - and nowhere did he say he felt lucky, or happy to still be with me, or that he was grateful that I took him back. Just slightly sad messages about how difficult it was.

 

He is being very loving, very attentive and there are days when I feel so happy - it's as if our marriage had been revived. We are both working hard at being together and it seems to work. But..... there are days when I feel a huge weight of suspicion and all the hurt and fury comes back. I feel like a mad woman! If you knew me you'd never beleive I could be so wild and out of control. I HATE this, I hate what it's doing to me.

 

Can anyone advise me? How do I get past this stage?

 

Thanks for reading x

[waterwoman]

I have been doing OK. H doing all the things I need him to do. Getting easier and then...he went back to school today. So scared. He reassured me when he left and has texted me several times to make sure I was OK.

 

He even arranged for some flowers to be delivered (unheard of!) but sadly gave the wrong day and they were due to turn up tomorrow when I would be at work .

 

So still up and down. Sometimes I can laugh about it - make jokes about it with him - be absolutely fine - even feel it has been a good thing for our marriage. The next day it feels as if the world is crashing down around me.

 

I haven't quite had the courage to ask him if she is still in school or if they spoke - makes me sick to think of it and he said he's text me to let me know but I still worry.

[William]

Bumped up for comments due to auto-moderation of most recent posting.

[GLDheart]

Lots of pain and emotional turmoil, thats what is in store for us the Betrayed Spouse. But its the same wether you stay or leave. You need time to heal. Atleast with a remorseful partner, you have his support and love to help you through it. The trade off is, of course, the "triggers". Keep plugging away. In life there is no garauntee. Just make the most of it, be patient, and take care of yourself first.

[waterwoman]

Thanks GLD.

 

Since my last post I have discovered that she is still there. Oddly considering she was leaving to go to her 'dream job' but hey..... I have to ignore her I guess. DH has no contact with her and is continuing to keep in touch with me throughout the day.

 

We are both working really hard at this. But boy! I wish the rollercoaster would stop.

[jojoqueen]

Our stories are very similar.. I have been doing this for 2.5 yrs. I have thoughts everyday still, but the ''rage'' days come farther and farther apart now. By no means am I thinking they will ever go away, but I try. However, I have also accepted that I will probably never fully trust him again, but not to worry, I dont think I could ever fully trust anyone ever again. Sad, but it is the person he created with his actions and now he has to live with those consequences.

[sofedupwiththis]

Hi,

 

I'm new here. I never thought I'd need to be somewhere like this .

 

2 months ago I discovered texts on h's phone to a coworker. About a hundred from just a few days. In one of them he said 'I love everything about you'. I tackled him. It was just supportive apparently .

 

A few days later he came clean and admitted he had been having an affair with her (he didn't use those words). In fact the first thing he said was 'I love her'. Which cut like a knife. It was over - she had ended it a week earlier because she' couldn't have all of him' but they had continued texting as friends - but he had gone NC as soon as I found the texts. He told me the facts more or less immediately - I dug and dug later but still nothing more was forthcoming. He didn't have sex with her just 'heavy petting' (which made me laugh to be honest as it sounds so old-fashioned) and kissing and they had said they loved each other. It started in January when I was particularly remote as I was in the depths of depression before I started taking the meds again. I did notice that was more cold towards me than usual and more iritable with the kids. He tells me he never critisisised me to her. He tells me that he never intended to leave me. It wqasn't that he didn't love me or find me attractive, it was just flattering for him and he was suffering some sort of mid-life crisis. All of that - I can accept, to be honest I don't care that much anymore - if it's over those don't really matter.

 

But...and he's the nub, is it really over. He didn't show me the texts he sent her to tell her it was over. He 'can't remember' what exactly they texted each other and said to each other afterwards. So I am finding it hard to feel 100% sure that they are finished. I have to take it on trust - but for the first time in our marriage (20 yrs) I have reason not to trust him. I searched his phone to see what he was saying to his friends - and nowhere did he say he felt lucky, or happy to still be with me, or that he was grateful that I took him back. Just slightly sad messages about how difficult it was.

 

He is being very loving, very attentive and there are days when I feel so happy - it's as if our marriage had been revived. We are both working hard at being together and it seems to work. But..... there are days when I feel a huge weight of suspicion and all the hurt and fury comes back. I feel like a mad woman! If you knew me you'd never beleive I could be so wild and out of control. I HATE this, I hate what it's doing to me.

 

Can anyone advise me? How do I get past this stage?

 

Thanks for reading x

 

it is just going to take time to get past this stage. you have to be able to rebuild that trust that was lost. rebuilding takes time. My advise right now would be to take it one day at a time. Maybe it would be beneficial to talk to a counselor. They seem to be very helpful in my experience, especially with things like this.

 

What can he do to earn your trust back? once you can answer that, maybe things will start to get better. What do you want him to do?

[waterwoman]

Thankyou jojo, pinball and sofedup. Appreciate your responses.

 

I don't know what else he could do. Endless patience, love and openness - but I am getting that.

 

What he never did when I asked him to twice was to send her a final letter/text/email - to tell her his choice was final and there would be no contact between them - at least not one that I saw although it has been said already. He didn't want to send one the first time i asked because he said it seemed cruel to her (as if I cared at the time) and then a few weeks later because it was pointless as she already knew. He agreed to do it in the end both times but never did. I guess I could insist that he did so but I suspect he is right - it is pointless this far down the road and it would only be for my comfort. I think this is something I am going to have to live with but it will make recovery harder for me.

[BetrayedH]

Sorry you haven't gotten more responses. Stick around and I think you'll develop connections with people that are very helpful.

 

I'm sorry to say that the first thing that really struck me in your posts is his claim that it was "just heavy petting." Please understand that this line is quoted straight out of the cheater's handbook. It plays on your emotions because you would really like to believe it (and he sure would love for you to believe it, too). The fact is that it isn't believable and neither is he. The handbook states that you lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. He's demonstrated that he is perfectly capable. No sex? Really? Honestly, what are they 12 years old? Combine this is with his "I love her" and it certainly doesn't add up. Not having seen their texts puts you at a huge disadvantage.

 

It feels somewhat cruel to say to you because he is otherwise demonstrating (many of the) behaviors of a remorseful spouse. I'm not usually in the business of raining on someone's reconciliation. But of all of the behaviors I wanted to see, the only one that mattered was honesty. If I could believe my wife was prepared to be honest with me, well, that's what I needed.

 

I honestly think you need more honesty from him. Do not hesitate to ask questions. Do not hesitate to ask for his phone, passwords to everything, internet history, phone history. A truly remorseful spouse will see that if they are truthful and transparent and you find nothing, this is a win-win. Consider asking for a detailed timeline. His willingness to talk about the affair and reveal the hardest parts will tell you a lot about whether you can trust him to be honest in the future.

 

You may need something other than what I needed but honesty is what I really needed in the end. Sadly, it took a lot of digging to find out that I didn't get it.

 

My gut says you are hesitant to ask for what you need to heal. Why?

 

Truly, I hope your reconciliation works out for you. It's a long road and you can take your time. Good luck.

[waterwoman]

Thanks betrayed.

 

A few weeks after i found out I compiled a list of questions that i needed him to answer. one was 'Did you have sex? I know you said you didn't but what exactly happened other than kissing?' And that's when he said 'heavy petting'. He was very uncomfortable with the answer. His reasons for not having sex were 1. He felt that not having sex meant it wasn't quite so bad. 2. There was no opportunity - they work in a school, they are never alone for more than a few minutes. Whenever they met out of school there was always others there - and as it was a school rumours spread like wildfire and both were worried about that.

 

To be completely honest I am not too concerned about whether they had sex. It isn't the biggest problem for me. The biggest problem was that he said that he loved her - and he knew that which is why he said it straight out to get the worst over with. That is the real betrayal. That is what haunts me - not where he might or might not have stuck his dick,

 

There are also other more personal reasons why I suspect he is telling the truth - he has minor physical problems with sex at the moment but I am not going into details on here.

 

I beleive I have had honesty from him. I beleive I had it right from his first confession - all my later questions to him did not bring out any new information just more minor details.

[waterwoman]

I have access to his phone whenever I want it. He doesn't use email. i check the phone periodically. The old texts were all deleted.

[icDude]

I'm sorry to say that the first thing that really struck me in your posts is his claim that it was "just heavy petting." Please understand that this line is quoted straight out of the cheater's handbook. It plays on your emotions because you would really like to believe it (and he sure would love for you to believe it, too). The fact is that it isn't believable and neither is he. The handbook states that you lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. He's demonstrated that he is perfectly capable. No sex? Really? Honestly, what are they 12 years old? Combine this is with his "I love her" and it certainly doesn't add up. Not having seen their texts puts you at a huge disadvantage.

 

So first I have to say to waterwoman, my W has had a similar style of affair. Where she claimed only to have 'kissed' the OM. It is possible that BetrayedH is right about his honesty, but from reading emails from the OM to my W I found him using terms like 'making out,' again similar to your situation where it seemed rather childlike and like high school. I too believe that they did not have sex. And what hurts the worst is the so called 'love' they felt not the possibility of sex.

Like your situation, when my W said she had ended the affiar, it was harder to take, because of a lack of trust. I wasn't sure if I could believe that it was actually over. It's only been weeks for me, so I can't tell you how you get over it. But for me, acts of repentance and gratification of my desires from my W seem to help. Though the hurt is still there and things will not be back to good for a while. Ask for what you need, and hopefully he will comply. That may make you feel a little better.

Good Luck.

[Spark1111]

After exhaustive research, it is NOT the AP that they love....he would be with her, no?

 

It is the way the AP made him feel that he loved. And how was that? Important? Special? Exciting? Needed?

 

She could have been anyone. She filled some unexpressed need he had/has. It becomes like a drug addiction hormonally. The same brain chemicals are released.

 

He needs IC to understand what need made him so vulnerable...to this need that he allowed just anyone to fill it. It should be you filling that need.

 

And if you wanted a NC letter, it is not too late to send it. If you want to contact her, it is not too late to do that either.

 

Whatever you feel you need to do to heal is what he should be willing to do for and with you.

[Ladydrib]

 

 

A few days later he came clean and admitted he had been having an affair with her (he didn't use those words). In fact the first thing he said was 'I love her'. Which cut like a knife. It was over - she had ended it a week earlier because she' couldn't have all of him' but they had continued texting as friends - but he had gone NC as soon as I found the texts. He told me the facts more or less immediately - I dug and dug later but still nothing more was forthcoming. He didn't have sex with her just 'heavy petting' (which made me laugh to be honest as it sounds so old-fashioned) and kissing and they had said they loved each other. It started in January when I was particularly remote as I was in the depths of depression before I started taking the meds again. I did notice that was more cold towards me than usual and more iritable with the kids. He tells me he never critisisised me to her. He tells me that he never intended to leave me. It wqasn't that he didn't love me or find me attractive, it was just flattering for him and he was suffering some sort of mid-life crisis. All of that - I can accept, to be honest I don't care that much anymore - if it's over those don't really matter.

 

But...and he's the nub, is it really over. He didn't show me the texts he sent her to tell her it was over. He 'can't remember' what exactly they texted each other and said to each other afterwards. So I am finding it hard to feel 100% sure that they are finished. I have to take it on trust - but for the first time in our marriage (20 yrs) I have reason not to trust him. I searched his phone to see what he was saying to his friends - and nowhere did he say he felt lucky, or happy to still be with me, or that he was grateful that I took him back. Just slightly sad messages about how difficult it was.

 

He is being very loving, very attentive and there are days when I feel so happy - it's as if our marriage had been revived. We are both working hard at being together and it seems to work. But..... there are days when I feel a huge weight of suspicion and all the hurt and fury comes back. I feel like a mad woman! If you knew me you'd never beleive I could be so wild and out of control. I HATE this, I hate what it's doing to me.

 

Can anyone advise me? How do I get past this stage?

 

Thanks for reading x

 

Don't drive yourself crazy with the circles of wanting to trust him but wanting to trust your intuition. Don't give him any more power over you. Here's how to sort it all out, step by step.

 

1. Decide, do you really want to know the truth (even if it's not what you want to hear), i.e. are you prepared to leave him or would you rather live not knowing but always wondering and circling? I as this Because it sounds to me that deep down you fear you will not tolerate any more and you worry that you could leave him. Answer this, do you want to know the truth? If you are sure it's the truth you want, here's how you get it.

 

2. Stop questioning him. 100%. Just let him know your expectation to Never do it again. And tell him you trust he won't risk your marriage. Then leave it be for a few weeks. I don't care how suspicious you get, if he is doing something, he's certainly not going to tell you because you ask him! Just not a word about it. If he does not plan on or cannot commit to your marriage, this silence will tell you because he will slip back to the pattern and you go to step three. (btw, if he is serious about stopping, you'll get good news at step 3)

 

3. Get a PI. They will find the answers. If you get good news you can rest your mind and I'd recommend marriage counseling to keep him on track while he's coming out of it. It will keep him focused on wanting to do the right things to save your marriage. If you get bad news from the PI, well it will hurt. And you'll have to make big decisions all over again. But at least your mind will rest and you'll know the truth.