MyHeartTakesOver Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 (edited) Today is the first day that I'm making a conscious effort to move on. "Move on" in the sense that I'm going to close this chapter in my life and go no contact (I actually started that last week - he broke it on Saturday evening by calling me from an unrecognized number which I answered to). It's been three months today since the original break up. In that time we've had a lot of contact with each other; angry phone calls, loving emails, lied to each other, cried together, apologised, made love (lots), had long discussions, etc. A month after the break up I found out what I suspected anyway, despite talking to me about what would be needed to get back together, he had started a new (open) relationship. To a degree, in those three months I've moved on a great deal but it was this weekend that his new partner moved into our house with him and that opened wounds. The last time I saw him was last weekend when we had a wonderful, loving, easy time together. It reminded me why I fell in love with him. It also reminded me that we look at our past through rose-coloured lenses. We often think about how good it was when things were OK. I know that when I'm apart from him that's what I think and feel. However, when I was with him, I experienced the things I'm too quick to forget; the heavy drinking, the constantly having to clean up after him, the pathological criticism, the anxiety that at some point WWIII would start, the vast differences in outlook, the hopelessness with money and, most of all, I remembered the overwhelming feeling that no matter how deep and genuine the love is (and it is both in enormous quantities) there was a sense that "something was wrong"; a feeling that there are depths in me he couldn't reach and that we could never be happy together (love and happiness are different things - you can have one without the other - he chose happiness, I chose love). I will miss him hugely and I forgive him for failing "us". I also know that no contact will be extremely hard for him but, in a relationship hallmarked by him putting his feelings before my own, it's time that I put what I need before what is going to be hard for him to handle. There's plenty I have to focus on. I have a final year at university starting in a couple of months. I have a body to reclaim (I let him feed me far too much) and make changes to. I have ambitions in life and a career to build. I also have my own shortcomings to deal with which have been exposed to me through this ordeal. More than anything though I have a genuine excitment about what lies ahead for me. All these beautiful things to accomplish and then, one day, I can invite someone into those accomplishments with me, someone who'll be so happy that this relationship failed To those in the same boat; hang in there. You have one life and it is what you make of it. Don't let moments of addictive weakness hold you back from experiencing all the wonders that living a conscious life can offer. The last chapter only sets the stage for the next one. Edited August 20, 2012 by MyHeartTakesOver
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