I don't know what to do, please help!

[cuddlebug20]

I have been friends with this guy for 6 months now, at first we only talked online but decided we would take our friendship to the phone. We talked for a couple of weeks for sometimes up to 5 hours a day and really got to know eachother. Our conversations were very intellectual and never boring. Finally, one night I mentioned a movie coming out that I would like to see and he said that if I wanted to he would take me to see it sometime. After pondering on it for a few days I told him yes that I would go. I felt like I knew him good enough to take our friendship to the next step. We had a great time and the chemistry I felt between us when I first saw him was amazing. It was as if I had knew him for years.

 

 

Anyways, as of this past Sunday we have been out a total of four times, twice to the movies, dinner and a park, then twice to his house. I am 20 and he is 35 and the age doesn't bother either of us. I have always been a very mature person, mostly due to the fact that I grew up around older people. I feel so comfortable around him and I feel like I can be myself and not get laughed at or put down. We've decided from the beginning to just be friends for a while and eventually when the time is right we will move on to more. However, we have done sexual things, not actual intercourse, but everything else.

 

 

He treats me SO good, always buys me dinner and pays for everything. He has wonderful manners. I love spending time with him. The only day we get to see eachother is on Sundays because he works 6 days a week. Which is great to me....gives me something to look forward to. Our "in common" list is HUGE, certain things I have very awkward views and beliefs about and I always thought that there was no way anyone could ever think the same way I do, but he does. I feel like we were meant for eachother. BUT the thing is, I don't know if that's how he feels......I'm pretty sure that he has deeper feelings for me then friends, but I just don't know. When I look into his eyes I can feel a strong connection. Everytime he kisses me I feel the same exact way I did the first time he kissed me. Sunday while laying in his bed cuddling he said "isn't it great having a friend with benefits," I'll admit it is, but I feel like I'm ready to move on and start a relationship, but I don't want to rush him into anything and I want to make sure that I don't rush into anything. I mean is it too early to know how I truly feel about someone?

 

 

I've been in a very bad relationship and learned to take my time and make sure that what I feel is real and not just an infatuation, and I feel that I really do care a LOT about him. I'm not going to say I "love" him because I think that love is something that should grow and I can deffinately feel it starting to grow. I know it's wrong to have friends with benefits and usually it means the guy is just using the girl....but he is so different.....he is always talking about doing things to me and always puts himself last and today I had to make him let me please him lol. So, I'm not worried about getting used, to a certain extent anyways, due to my past relationship I am very cautious and probably will always be. Ughhh! I'm so confused. About how long should I wait before I tell him how I feel, I don't necessarily mean that I love him, but the deep feelings that I do have for him.....I don't want to scare him off by telling him too early.

 

 

I'm so scared of screwing up and losing him, I've never had a guy to treat me as nice as he does. Hes is always touching me and looking at me and tells me constantly that I am "cute" and "beautiful".....he makes me feel wonderful about myself. and I won't even mention how much he makes me laugh, I've NEVER laughed so much in my life as I do when I'm talking to him. This past Sunday I spent the day with him at his house, we passed 2 hours by cuddling, holding eachother, kissing all over eachother's faces, rubbing backs and just staring in deep concentration at eachother, we both agreed that the cuddling was the best part of the day, and the fact that it was pouring the rain made everything perfect. It truly was a dream come true. It's like we didn't even have to speak to know what the other was thinking, when I look into his eyes I can feel something that I've never felt before, I can't resist his brown eyes, they melt me.

 

 

He says things that kinda hint that he wants to be more, but I just don't want to read too far into it. For example: the other night I said something that embarrassed me SO bad lol, he mentions it to tease me and I hide my face and laugh lol.....he said "20 years down the road I believe that even if we aren't married I could mention that to you and youd still laugh" ......to me that kinda means that he's thought about us being more then friends, I dont necessarily mean marriage but moving to the next level. But....knowing me, I'm probably reading too far into it. I wish I could just find a way to not come straight and ask him where he thinks we're going but to kinda hint around at the question.....I've rattled my brain trying to think of what to do but I just can't come up with anything, I've never been the type of person to make the move on things like this so, I'm really stuck in a rut!

 

 

I had a discussion with him this morning and it's left me confused lol, (which is nothing unusual for me, seems like I stay confused lol) anyways I was wondering if maybe you could give me some advice on what he means, I don't know whether to take it as a good thing or bad.........

 

 

Me: I think that's the one thing that I like more then anything, the fact that you didn't rush us having sex, I mean you've had two chances the past two sundays and you didn't act upon them, I mean I'm not saying I wasn't ready because I was lol, especially this past sunday, but that was so sweet, I didn't feel like all you wanted was sex

 

 

Him: well maybe im just weird, im not sure, i just like taking things step by step and not rushing them.. i mean like we started off with kissing and touching only for our first few dates, then things heated up alot more when u came here the last 2 times, we moved to oral, and maybe this sunday, or VERY soon, we will go all the way.. i just dont see any need to rush something, let it happen naturally

 

Me: oh you're not weird at all lol, I love the fact that you feel that way about it, it was just really nice to not be treated like a sex object for once......when it happens it will happen and I'm sure it will be better then if we had jumped right into it

 

 

Him: well i told u from the beginning that i wasnt ready for a gf, but i would never treat u like a sex object, i consider u one of my very closest friends, and we get along better in person than i ever thought we would, its just amazing how well we click

 

 

 

 

*sighs* I'm willing to accept the fact that he isn't ready for a gf yet and I'm willing to wait, but gosh I'd hate to wait and then find out that I'm not what he considers gf material, I know for a fact that he likes pretty much everything about me, but I don't want to jump to conclusions. I feel like screaming lol, he said that it's amazing at how well we click, I don't know whether to take that as a hint that someday we will be more or what. Ughh! I wish I could stop stressing over this so much, I was doing good until that conversation this morning lol. What's your opinion?

[kizmet74]

He's probably married. I could very well be wrong though.

 

Don't wait for him whatever you do though. Don't put your own life on hold till this guy figures out what he wants. Continue seeing him if you will, but date other people too.

[jen4]

It does sound a little suspicious. He says he isn't ready for a gf,well you want more than just a friendship with him correct? Don't waste your time and feelings on a man who can't give you what you want. It may hurt but you'll be stronger in the end. You deserve someone who wants what you do,a loving relationship, I'm glad you haven't had sex with him yet, I wouldn't if I were you,he's not worth it. I hope you do what you think is right.

[HoldOn]

My first thought is also that he is married. Why can he only see you 1 day per week? What kind of job keeps you busy every hour of every other day.

 

Regardless, even if he isn't married, he's not ready for a girlfriend?? What kind of 35 year old man can't handle having a girlfriend. Has he ever been married before. What happened with that.

 

What do you do when you are together. Do you just hang out in bed all day?

 

IMO, his comment about being "friends with benefits" should tell you not to put all your eggs in one basket here. The best choice would probably be to stop seeing him since he isn't giving you what you need. But the next best thing would be that you should go out with other guys. Actually, I think that if you continue seeing him that you MUST see other men. I would be 90% sure here that he is either seeing someone else or married to someone else...

[Tommyji]

Automatically he's married lol? Who knows what's happened in his past? For example, perhaps he's protecting his feelings, maybe he's been f'd over by a few chicks too. Could it be that he's scared to open up? For me, (in my situation) I've delt with health issues when I was young that mentally haunts me and prevents me from opening up to girls at times. In fact because I had a form of cancer at an earily age, it prevents me from telling girls...cause they go running once they hear about it. So I talk things slow too. I agree, don't put all your hopes into this situation, but keep looking for guys and keep in mind it may not work. In a careful way though give it a shot and see where things my go. Do your research on this guy. You know where he lives. Learn more about his family / friends etc.

 

Be careful!

[HoldOn]

Nah, he's totally married.

 

And if he's not married, he's got serious problems anyway.

[Tommyji]

6 months knowing this guy, where's he hiding his wife when she's over there every week?

[HoldOn]

Maybe they are separated. Maybe he owns two houses. Maybe he is using a buddy's house. Maybe she goes out of town every weekend. Maybe he locks her in the basement with chains.

 

Even if he's not married, I think he is seeing other people the other 6 nights a week. He's got some other girlfriend who thinks he works on Sunday.

[cuddlebug20]

The only way that he could possibly be married is if they don't live together lol. I call him in the mornings and tell him goodmorning and we talk for a few mins. and sometimes we talk during the days if he's not busy working, and everynight for the past month and a half we talk from 9 until 11 or 12. He owns his own computer business and it is next door to his house, he works 6 days a week from 10 until 6. It takes approximately 45 mins. to get to my house, with the route that he drives, he doesn't like crossing the mountain lol so it makes it hard for him to come over here during the weekdays. Eventually I will be able to go and see him during the weekdays, due to the fact that he lives about 10 mins. from my ex bf my parents don't feel safe with me driving there by myself yet. From what I know he has lived with his parents his entire life......and that is still where he lives, and I know that for a fact, all of their stuff is still in the house and I can tell by the thousands of pictures on the walls lol.

 

I'm thinking maybe he's not ready to commit himself to something serious yet.....his mother passed away May of last year and I am the first girl that he has actually dated since. He met other girls but they never worked out, for some reason they didn't like his appearance. I absolutely love the way he looks....hes about 5'11 and around 230 pounds maybe, I'm not good at guessing weight lol. He is somewhat bald but he does still have a lot of hair, he has a perfect smile and browneyes that melt me hehe

 

I also wonder.....the way he touches me I can tell that he hasn't done much with a woman. He's VERY gentle, that "gosh what if that hurts her" kinda gentle. I was with a 32 year old man a couple of year ago and he touched me in a way that I KNEW he was experienced lol. My ex bf was 100% virgin, I was the first girl that he had ever even kissed. This guy touches and kisses me the exact same way he did at the beginning. He doesn't seem like the type of guy that women would throw themselves at, he's very intelligent and to me he's very handsome, but he's not the brad pitt type.

[Tommyji]

Originally posted by HoldOn

Maybe they are separated. Maybe he owns two houses. Maybe he is using a buddy's house. Maybe she goes out of town every weekend. Maybe he locks her in the basement with chains.

 

Even if he's not married, I think he is seeing other people the other 6 nights a week. He's got some other girlfriend who thinks he works on Sunday.

 

...and if they were to come on strong in stead, then they're a creep right? No wonder guys cant figure females out. So judgementle, what a shame. Maybe give some people a chance, not everyone has life so easy...

 

damn, bet you'd never guess I'm a republican by what I wrote there huh? lol

[cuddlebug20]

and if they were to come on strong in stead, then they're a creep right? No wonder guys cant figure females out. So judgementle

I deffinately have to agree to that, one of my friends told me that he was cheating also, because he stays his distance......I asked her the same exact thing, if he was to come around everyday and stay a few hours he'd be considered a creep lol. Kinda not fair if ya ask me.

 

 

It's kinda funny, the only thing we have found different about us so far is the fact that he is a republican and I am a democrat.....neither of us are very interested in politics so it's not a problem.

[reasontosigh]

The only day we get to see each other is on Sundays because he works 6 days a week. .......

 

This was from the first post.

 

It's altogether possible - would need to know more about the work situation, though.

 

I'd still be in yellow light mode, though.

[cuddlebug20]

"This was from the first post.

 

It's altogether possible - would need to know more about the work situation, though. "

 

 

He works Mon-Sat. 10 am until 6 pm, sometimes later if he isn't done at 6, he works on computers and always guarantees to have the customer's computer fixed the same day they bring it in.....some days business is slow and some days it is rush, rush, rush. By the time he gets off work at usually about 6:30 he goes and gets his dinner then comes home, watches some tv, sometimes we'll chat online for a few mins. if one of us has to do something online, but everynight at 9 I call him and we talk until we get sleepy and we hang up and go to bed, we've fell asleep many times on the phone lol. He "could" come over here and see me, but it takes approximately an hour to get here, that would be about 7:30, he would have to leave by at least 9 because he doesn't like to drive at night very often, too many freaks on the roads at that time lol. So that means he would only get to stay for an hour and a half, and I would rather him to just not come at all than to have to only stay an hour or so.....that would rip my heart out, and it would be too rough on him to do that. But.....eventually when my parents stop being so paranoid that my ex is going to try and hurt me I'll get to go see him during the week anytime I want to.....he's told me to come over anytime I want to that he doesn't care and he's even invited my parents to come over.

[HoldOn]

OK, so he's probably not married.

 

Regardless, he is still weird.

 

So you live with your parents and he lives with his dad. At 35 years of age?? That's a little strange.

 

Why can't you go over to his house on Saturday nights or something? I don't know it's just a little suspicious.

 

Anyway, he also said that he enjoys being "friends with benefits." Unless that is exactly what you want, you are allowing yourself to be used. If you want a boyfriend, you are not going to get what you need from him.

 

knowing me, I'm probably reading too far into it. I wish I could just find a way to not come straight and ask him where he thinks we're going but to kinda hint around at the question.....I've rattled my brain trying to think of what to do but I just can't come up with anything, I've never been the type of person to make the move on things like this so, I'm really stuck in a rut!

 

He's being so mysterious, i think you should come right out and ask him "What are your intentions?"

[Tommyji]

Originally posted by HoldOn "

Think you should come right out and ask him "What are your intentions?"

 

 

Agreed. Figure out exactly what you want from this, and see where he's at. Don't over step beyond where you want to go. Take your time and be careful.

[cuddlebug20]

So you live with your parents and he lives with his dad. At 35 years of age?? That's a little strange.

His mom passed away last year and his dad passed away a few years ago.....they left him the house, which is where he lives.

 

 

I probably could go over on saturday nights, but....I don't see my parents approving of that right now....I know I'm 20 and old enough to make my own decisions, however, since I do live with them, I try to be respectful to them and try my best to keep things cool and calm around here.

 

 

i think you should come right out and ask him "What are your intentions?"

I'm going to do that today and hope and pray that everything works out ok.

 

Thank You all so much for your advice!

[Dinny]

Make sure and let us know how it goes!!!!!

 

You're so young hun, why don't you go out and find someone younger who won't be set in their ways and have some fun!!!!!!!

 

If he's always lived with his parents and hasn't had many girlfriends do you really wanna be tied down with someone like that?

 

Hope it goes well hun if that's what you want!

 

Wish I was 20 again...................

[cuddlebug20]

Well I didn't get to see him yesterday, he was almost here when his cousin called and told him that his aunt was sick and they were rushing her to the hospital. He was running late it was 30 mins. passed the time that he was supposed to be here, so I was worried to death finally he called me and told me what was going on. (His aunt is ok, it was mild chest pains, but they thought she was having a heart attack)

 

So....now, unless I can go see him one day this week, I won't get to see him until next sunday *sighs* .

 

 

You're so young hun, why don't you go out and find someone younger who won't be set in their ways and have some fun!!!!!!!

 

If he's always lived with his parents and hasn't had many girlfriends do you really wanna be tied down with someone like that?

Older people need lovin too lol Yes, he is older then me, but I love that, I have always been around "older" people, while other kids were out playing with their friends I was usually sitting on the porch with my granny listening to her tell stories from "way back"lol. I'm a very mature 20 year old. I'd much rather spend the day at his house with him just cuddling and watching tv or just talking instead of going out to a party. It's just the way I am. I'm pretty much set in my ways myself. Guess, that's why we get along so good. We've had pretty muchthe same home life, we have the same interests, like about the same foods and we both like the same kind of music. We just get along so well it shocks me. I've never gotten along so good with a guy.

 

Just because he's lived with his parents and not had many girlfriends doesn't necessarily make him a freak or not worthy of me. It just means that he hasnt found the right person yet. I'm still living with my parents, I didn't the past year, I lived with my ex bf, but that's a different story lol......I've only had two actual boyfriends in my entire life, and both of them were from the internet. I dated one four months and the other a year. So.....I'm kinda in the same boat as him.

[Dinny]

Sorry hun!

 

I didn't mean to offend you in anyway

 

I think I just read too deep into your message and thought a young, bubbly girl like you would probably get more out of a relationship with a younger guy.....I just thought maybe you say yourself as someone who could "mother" him rather than have a "50-50" relationship with him.

 

If that's what you want darlin then go for it!!!! I only hope he realises what a loving, giving girl he has in his hands.

 

I agree, older people do need loving.....when I was 22 I went out with a 45 yr old man for about 6 months.....yes he was set in his ways and still lived with his mother but I actually really enjoyed the experience. He was astounded that someone of my age was able to be so mature, open and honest and hold intellectual conversations with him.

 

I did enjoy my time with him but eventually I found that I still wanted to have some kind of a "party life" aswell as the quiet dinners with great conversations and that wasn't for him so we broke up.

 

On reflection then.........please forgive me........you know what you want so go for it girl!

 

I think you do need to meet up with him as soon as possible, try and be alittle firmer with him and tell him that you are prepared to......... but that it is a 50-50 relationship and is he prepared to give as much to it as you are?

 

I know there is illness and has been death in the family but you have to access whether they are his excuses not to commit alittle more? A partner is someone who is there to love and support through all times and he should not see you as a distraction that is taking you away from his other commitments.

 

Think on darlin..............

 

........p.s. I keep seeing "lol" through threads.......what does this mean please?

 

Keep me posted on what's going on!

[cuddlebug20]

I didn't mean to offend you in anyway

You didn't offend me in anyway at all, I hope I didn't come off as rude in my last post, I'm just not use to these early morning hours lol I've been up since 5

 

Oh Yeah...."lol" means laugh out loud

 

 

"I just thought maybe you say yourself as someone who could "mother" him rather than have a "50-50" relationship with him."

 

I don't think I'd ever be able to mother him....he's not the "oh honey will you get me a pop" or "will you go get this or that for me" He's VERY independent.....this reminds me of last Sunday at his house, he asked if I wanted a pop and I said yeah sure, he said well go help yourself, I looked at him and laughed he said well, I don't expect you to go get mine so you shouldn't expect me to go get yours lol. I didnt mind it at all....just strange to have a guy that is like that.

 

I think you do need to meet up with him as soon as possible, try and be alittle firmer with him....

I'll do that for sure, my mom has always told me that I'm too soft-hearted, I've been trying to work on it. I've never been really good at assertiveness.

 

 

I know there is illness and has been death in the family but you have to access whether they are his excuses not to commit alittle more?

It was sad that I didn't get to see him yesterday, but, I do know how much he cares about his aunt and family is VERY important, they can be irritating but, ya gotta love them lol. This is the first time anything like this has ever happened. Last Sunday we didn't think we were going to get to see eachother because the same aunt was in the hospital and he had family that came in from NC to see her and they stayed with him....she got out of the hospital so they went and stayed with her instead.

 

Once again....sorry if I came off as rude in my previous post

[Dinny]

No darlin, don't worry......you weren't rude at all & thanks for clarifying the "lol" for me .........I've only receintly joined the forums and have to get with the terminology hee!!

 

From what you're saying, this guy actually sounds really nice & seems to have alot of respect for you which is the first and foremost priority believe you me hun!

 

After reading the previous posts from other people I definitely don't think he is married but I do think that he is taking this all at his own pace which is alittle unfair to you which is why I suggested you be alittle firmer with him and ask him where he thinks you are heading.

 

He has to be fair to you and tell you & don't let him side track and bring up the family distractions.....yes, family are very important to him but someday you might be his family and he has to treat you with the same amount of respect and with the same attention as them.

 

.....remeber hun, you are the most important person to you and you must know so that you can decide if there is any future in this for you.

 

I am the same as you, I am very soft hearted aswell and some people will take advantage of that but others will appreciate your sensitivity.....that's what I have found over the years.

 

Keep intouch

[cuddlebug20]

he is taking this all at his own pace which is alittle unfair to you

I agree 100% with that, it just doesn't seem right that I have to wait....but I'm gonna take your advice and be a little firmer with him. I have a feeling that he is the type that needs a little push into things. I just don't want to push too far lol.

 

Men say women are complicated, geez lol this guy is the most complicated guy I've ever knew....in a way I like it though, sometimes a good challenge is nice.

[Dinny]

I agree with you hun! God.....when I think of my ex....he was soooo complicated, he would react to something one way one week and completely different the next depending on his mood!!!!!

 

Didn't know who he was in the end hee!

 

Yea hun, do that....just be alittle more direct with him, you've been with him awahile now so you know hoe firmly you can take it and just see once you get an idea you'll be able to work on that.

 

By the way.....(don't know whether I'm allowed to ask you this or not so don't worry if you don't want to answer) but I'm curious........what signs of the Zodiac are the 2 of you?

 

Are you a good match astronomically hee!!!!

[HoldOn]

OK, let's put the age difference aside and accept that he's not married. This gentleman still has several red flags.

 

1.) He doesn't spend enough time with you.

2.) He calls you a "friend with benefits."

3.) He doesn't treat you like a girlfriend, otherwise, you'd be going to visit the sick aunt too.

4.) You are ready for a relationship and he is not.

5.) I don't think it's funny that he wouldn't get you a pop, I think it's rude.

6.) I don't understand why you can talk on the phone for 2-5 hours at a time, but you can't see him.

7.) He is 35, but doesn't have much experience with touching women.

 

So some questions for you:

1.) Can you accept being second to everything else in his life?

 

2.) I know you think you have SOOO much in common. But let me ask these questions: Do you both want to get married? How many kids do you want? How soon would you get married? Are your religious beliefs compatible? Are your financial habits compatible?

Seeing as he can hardly make time for you, I don't think this is a good situation for you.

 

3.) He's a republican and you are a democrat... It might bother him more than you realize...

 

 

I feel you are putting your life on hold for man who can barely carve out one day a week for you. Is that fair?

 

Also, I don't think that you are as compatible as you are saying. Just because you both like kissing and the same kind of food doesn't mean you should be together.

I don't think you should settle for this man, when he's not giving you his all.

[cuddlebug20]

"1.) He doesn't spend enough time with you." I stay pretty busy myself at times, I'm constantly taking my dad or mom to the doctor, going to the doctor myself, taking my nephew to the doctor or taking my mom to babysit my nephew, so my weeks are pretty busy also....However, I do agree that he should at least offer to come and see me at least one other day during the week, it would be really nice. I guess once I mention me coming to his house during the week, which hopefully I'll get to wednesday, if he puts me off then I'll know for sure something is up.

"5.) I don't think it's funny that he wouldn't get you a pop, I think it's rude." I agree it was somewhat rude, because I would've gotten him a pop....

 

 

So some questions for you:

"1.) Can you accept being second to everything else in his life?" Not really, maybe in the stage that we are in right now, as friends, but not in a relationship

 

"2.) I know you think you have SOOO much in common. But let me ask these questions: Do you both want to get married? How many kids do you want? How soon would you get married? Are your religious beliefs compatible? Are your financial habits compatible?

Seeing as he can hardly make time for you, I don't think this is a good situation for you." Yes we both want to get married, he told me in the beginning that he was ready to settle down and get married but only with the right person at the right time. We both LOVE kids, but, I'm not exactly for sure if I want kids, I mean they are very precious and wonderful but....I just haven't gave it much thought. I'm not sure how soon I would get married, I mean, I guess it all depends on how long in the relationship it is until the guy proposes. We have the same exact religious beliefs, we're spiritual but we don't attend service on a regular basis. We have the same views about financials also....to me, I feel that financial decisions in a relationship should be made together 50/50 he feels the same way. We both believe that having a good solid savings account is important as well as a solid checking account.

 

"3.) He's a republican and you are a democrat... It might bother him more than you realize..." I don't think it does, the only reason I am registerred democrat is because when I registerred I didn't know what to put and since my dad was democrat I put democrat lol, I have a lot of republican views.

 

 

"Just because you both like kissing and the same kind of food doesn't mean you should be together." We have much more in common than just food and kissing, we both have about the same hobbies, we have the same views on abortion, adoption, rape, abuse, I could go on and on forever about things we've talked about and felt the same way about. We both agree on how a relationship should be, 50/50, he is very much set in his ways and so am I.....In the time that we've been talking on the phone, there has never been a time when we didn't have something to talk about. He is the ONLY person I am that way with.....we've talked about some pretty stupid things but it's nice to be able to talk to someone and just let it flow and not worry about what you say. We have compared our dad's and it's amazing at how much they are alike lol.....I never thought that maybe there was someone like my dad, because I have to say he's pretty unique. We have pretty much the exact same home life.....both had to help with gardens and work around the house as kids to help out our parents.....he's just a country boy and I'm just a country girl. Neither of us have to have money, we just want to be happy, have food to eat, a roof over our heads and a place to sleep and clothes to wear. He deffinately isn't like other guys, he doesn't have to have all the toys and money to make him happy.

 

I could be wrong about everything.....but, I guess I'll find out with time. I know there are red flags that's why I'm being cautious. Everyone deserves a chance and he's getting his, it's up to him if he wants to screw it up or not. I hope he doesn't but I can't make him change who he is and I don't want to. I'm just going to have a talk with him and tell him how I feel and get his comments and depending upon what they are I'll make my decision from there.