M30USA Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 It's been 6 months since separation and temporary court hearing. I have never suspected her of having an affair. She was constantly suspicious of me, however, for the entire duration of our marriage: always checking my texts, phone call history, emails, etc. I wondered why she was so paranoid. There was one day, during an especially rough time in our marriage, where I came home from work and she was acting very strange. Kind of hyper, nervous, and just different. She kind of walked outside and started talking about something insignificant in the backyard, and even as a generally imperceptive person I realized she was trying to get me to go outside to distract me. I looked around the house before walking outside, looking for any clues. I checked her phone call list...didn't see anything. She later told me that she had a lot of chocolate that day and was ansy. I don't know. Something about her that day was different. I had to fill out a divorce discorvery interrogation asking me if I'd ever had an affair. Obviously I wrote no. I'm now beginning to wonder if she ever did. She told me that she was very unsatisfied with our sex life. I tried the best I could but apparently she had expectations higher than I was capable of fulfilling. She told me that she felt tempted to have an affair. I told her I didn't know what to say. I told her that I loved her and was trying my best and that I'm sorry if she felt that way. What other signs are there that she might have had an affair?
Balzac Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Why are you looking so hard? What's your goal with this?
Author M30USA Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 Why are you looking so hard? What's your goal with this? I'm not looking hard. I've never looked before. But that's precisely why a person like me could have been so easily duped. It's only after filling out her interrogation thru discovery process that I started thinking, "Hey, how the hell do I know she didn't have an affair?" 1
Balzac Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Interrogatory is all about a fishing expedition. Her focus on your behavior, expressed to her attorney. Seems to me your gut now is reeling with suspicion. In my mind ... If you spot it you got it. Her very words to you spoke volumes. In many ways divorce is a strategic war. It's adversarial and thus painful. Listen to your attorney. When is your deposition? Maybe your attorney is just using interrogatory discovery to determine conflicts in her fact statements?
Author M30USA Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 Interrogatory is all about a fishing expedition. Her focus on your behavior, expressed to her attorney. Seems to me your gut now is reeling with suspicion. In my mind ... If you spot it you got it. Her very words to you spoke volumes. In many ways divorce is a strategic war. It's adversarial and thus painful. Listen to your attorney. When is your deposition? Maybe your attorney is just using interrogatory discovery to determine conflicts in her fact statements? Gosh, man...after being away from her craziness, I'm just now starting to think clearly. She even told me that she had cheated on one of her ex-boyfriends. (What ever happened to "once-a-cheater-always-a-cheater"?)
Balzac Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Yup ~ you'll never figure out crazy. Glad your mind is clearing up. Whiplash and a concussion are challenges to daily life. Such women cut off the oxygen to relationships. By the time you realize your mind is in confusion your small motor skills are impaired and escape is awkwardly difficult. 1
karnak Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 gshe even told me that she had cheated on one of her ex-boyfriends. (what ever happened to "once-a-cheater-always-a-cheater"?) red alert red alert
TaraMaiden Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 When you're buried in a pile of manure, after a while, you get used to the smell.... You were buried so deep you never even saw daylight, M30USA. It's good that now you're clear of it, you're beginning to find your head again. But it goes a long way into explaining why you seemed to be so compliant and capitulant. After a while, it seems to be the only way you can be - and being any other way doesn't even figure.... Like the donkey tied to the mill-stone... wears a deeper and deeper circular path.. and put out to pasture, just gets confused by the limitless space.... WTF?? All he knows how to do, is to go round and round.... 2
Author M30USA Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 The craziest part is she had me thinking Im this horrible, insensitive husband who was the cause of her erratic behavior. I thought...gosh, if she's saying Im so awful then I might as well actually be an abuser or cheater. Its like she wanted me to be. 2
worldgonewrong Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 The craziest part is she had me thinking Im this horrible, insensitive husband who was the cause of her erratic behavior. I thought...gosh, if she's saying Im so awful then I might as well actually be an abuser or cheater. Its like she wanted me to be. I went down this same effing road. Cheaters compensate for their own self-disgust by painting you black. And because you've trusted this person, you're inclined to believe whatever crazy stuff comes out of their mouths; the betrayed spouse (unwittingly) lends compassion and will even take the blame for ANYthing -- and all the while, the cheater is hating you more & more because you truly ARE too good for her. 3
Author M30USA Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 I went down this same effing road. Cheaters compensate for their own self-disgust by painting you black. And because you've trusted this person, you're inclined to believe whatever crazy stuff comes out of their mouths; the betrayed spouse (unwittingly) lends compassion and will even take the blame for ANYthing -- and all the while, the cheater is hating you more & more because you truly ARE too good for her. And knowing all this I was still willing to make myself a sacrifice for her. Even knowing I was taking up her demons. But it got to a point where I couldn't handle it and I broke down. I knew I couldn't take on her demons anymore. We would both go down. 1
road Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Many WS while in there own affair become paranoid that their own BS may be having their own affair. That statement by your WW indicates that she was stepping out on you. 1
oldshirt Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I have never suspected her of having an affair. She was constantly suspicious of me, however, for the entire duration of our marriage: always checking my texts, phone call history, emails, etc. I wondered why she was so paranoid. I don't have any usefull info on if your wife had an affair or not but I do sometimes wonder if the people that are inordinantly suspicious and paranoid are the ones that have cheating hearts themselves. I can't help but wonder if the reason they are so suspicious is because they themselves are always looking for a window of opportunity and realize how easily that window is opened. People that are faithfull and content just don't think in those terms. 4
karnak Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I don't have any usefull info on if your wife had an affair or not but I do sometimes wonder if the people that are inordinantly suspicious and paranoid are the ones that have cheating hearts themselves. I can't help but wonder if the reason they are so suspicious is because they themselves are always looking for a window of opportunity and realize how easily that window is opened. People that are faithfull and content just don't think in those terms. True. Most decent, honest people usually see the others as a reflex of themselves. That's why they usually fall prey to nasty people. The same way cheaters see the others as a reflex of themselves
The_Face Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 People that are faithfull and content just don't think in those terms. I disagree. So bad things never happen to good people? Whatever.
shiftman Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 I disagree. So bad things never happen to good people? Whatever. I thought the same thing. If a decent person has an affair, have they become a bad person, or were they really one to start with? 1
The_Face Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 I thought the same thing. If a decent person has an affair, have they become a bad person, or were they really one to start with? Would having an affair be something that a "decent person" would do? I'm confused by your question, shiftman. To try and answer it anyway, a decent person wouldn't have an affair, to begin with. Affairs are not the decent approach to dealing with problems in a relationship. Ending it is the decent thing to do. What I was getting at earlier was a response to what oldshirt said, the quote "I can't help but wonder if the reason they are so suspicious is because they themselves are always looking for a window of opportunity and realize how easily that window is opened." I was just trying to say that a faithful person could still be suspicious of their partner. Suspicion can fall on just about anyone, given the circumstances. Sure, alot of cheaters are quick to accuse their partner of the same thing they are doing. Alot of cheaters are suspicious of their partners, who in many cases are the only faithful one in the relationship. That does seem to be pretty common. But I wouldn't go as far to make the statements in the way oldshirt made them. As if all suspicous people are guilty themselves. If one person is doing questionable things, maybe having changes in their usual behavior, acting wierd or being more secretive than usual, etc., than it wouldn't be wrong for someone to think their loved one is up to something. It's not so black and white. My point, sometimes faithful people get scared of being cheated on, too. Could be insecurity or a number of reasons to think that way. 1
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