How do I stop over-analyzing?

[AmeliePoulain]

I've been dating my bf for over a month. I was the one that was hesitant to be in a relationship but he pursued me and I eventually fell for him and we've been happy. However, I have a tendency to over-analyze everything and I don't want it to affect my relationship.

 

I come across a lot more confident than I am. I do well in keeping certain feelings to myself and not to let them boil. Inside my head I ask myself "why is this bothering me, where is it coming from, will this really matter tomorrow" and I work it out on my own. I am also very independent and do not like people who are clingy. My bf is very good at not being clingy (maybe because he knows I don't like that lol). He's a very secure guy which is attractive.

 

We don't have a lot of things in common but to me they are superficial things that don't change the way I feel about him. For example, he's really into sports/cars and I have no interest in any sports or cars and he knows this. This is fine and he said he likes that I'm understanding in his hobbies. Despite not having material things in common, we both have a great sense of humor and don't take things too personally and can talk about other things.

 

Now the part I feel insecure about are several things. First and foremost, I over-analyze but I don't vocalize it to him because this is something I want to work on for myself. It can be trivial things like why hasn't he contacted me all day even though I was at work lol, why did he ask so much about my friend - he must like or be attracted to her.

 

He tells me things like I'm amazing, cute, pretty, that he's so lucky, I am good with his friends, funny, and tells me he's excited to see me later that day. If he only knew inside that I do feel spouts of jealousy/insecurity but I know better than to display such feelings. I guess a part of me is wondering since he was the one who pursued me so much and now that I'm his, I wonder if he will not have to try so much and get more comfortable. That part when the honeymoon wears off is worrying me because I don't want him to lose interest. Yesterday, I was feeling kind of off and wasn't saying much. I was still engaging in conversation but not talking as much and I'm worried that because I felt off that he felt it, too? On the car ride home, I really didn't have anything to say because I felt like I was in a funk but I'm fine now. Do you guys ever have days where your relationship feels off? I know it was only on my part and he probably didn't notice anything.

 

He's a lot more active and fit. I haven't exercised since high school (I'm 27) but I'm generally thin and look as though I'm fit. He must think I have no hobbies other than go out with friends to happy hours and drink. The main things I like to do is watch films, listen to music, play piano, and read. Not that exciting from the outside, so I'm worried he might find someone who he has more in common with?

 

If you met me, you would think I've got my stuff together and outgoing and confident. I have a huge streak of introversion which I appreciate because I like my alone time and he does, too. Now as you can see, this post is all over the place. I'm obviously analyzing more than one thing. I also get jealous when he met my friends for the first time and he said "I really like (name), she's really nice" and asking about her. My friend is very sexy and outgoing so she attracts a lot of men, but now I don't even really want them in the same room lol

 

I have a feeling I know what I will read on here such as "he's with YOU so stop worrying" "your insecurities will push him away" (that's why I don't show them and want to maintain a healthy relationship with him). So what in the world else can I do? I feel like this is a mental daily task to tell myself that everything is fine. Any advice on how you guys keep it together despite what you feel inside?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

C'mon, being in a realtionship is FUN, and REWARDING.

 

And it increases the immediate rewards to be always thinking about the relationship, and always investing ourselves further in the relationship.

 

That's all you're doing, and it's fine!

 

The so-called "over-analysis" is merely (enjoying) thinking about the relationship when your alternative is to be thinking about clothing patterns and styles, or contemplating what you're going to have for lunch or dinner today or tomorrow... etc.

 

One-month in and you aren't far enough to take it for granted and yet you've passed the new and investigatory (is that a word?) stage to where you're ready to start investing...

 

It also helps to have had plenty of experience at being in adult relationships in the past... in part to get used to the understanding that "yeah, it/this can even happen to meeeeeeeeee!"

 

 

Don't make any drastic changes... just let time be your ally.

[pteromom]

I disagree with SincereOnlineGuy. I am tired just READING your post.

 

You spend your time worrying. Worrying whether you are interesting enough. Worrying about the future. Worrying whether he will be attracted to one of your friends. Worrying about the end of the honeymoon period. Worrying if a day is "off" and what the repercussions will be. Worrying that he'll find someone else.

 

It must be EXHAUSTING.

 

First - you have to believe that you are a good woman with a lot to offer him in your relationship. You are good enough as you are, and don't need to be more interesting, more sexy, or anything "better" than who you are.

 

He will either complement you and your relationship will grow, or he won't, and your relationship will end. If it ends, it isn't your "fault" for not being enough - you simply aren't right for each other.

 

If he's a cheater looking for other women, it doesn't mean another woman is "better" than you. It means he's a cheater. It means he could never give you what you want, and you are better off without him.

 

So believe you are good enough as you are.

 

Secondly, work on letting go of that which isn't in your control. You have NO CONTROL over what he feels or what he does. If he's a cheater, he will cheat. If he gets bored easily and runs away at the first hint of tediousness, he will run. If he is gonna flirt with every sexy friend he meets, he will.

 

If one of those things happen, you have no control over stopping it from happening, so why worry about it?

 

I would suggest some reading. Read about how to build your own confidence. How to build self-esteem. How to stop worrying.

[FitChick]

Analyzing is wanting to control. I agree with Pteromom. You can only control yourself. If you feel you are boring, learn to do something that isn't boring. Maybe something that will surprise him later. Keep the lines of communication open but do not constantly seek reassurance. Look for ways to make him happy which will keep the focus off of yourself.

 

The time to start worrying is when things go wrong and not when everything is fine. Enjoy the good times while they last.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Analyzing is wanting to control.

 

 

That is absurd.

 

It doesn't even explain The Wall Street Journal.

 

 

 

And the OP isn't saying many things that don't fall well within the realm of complete normalcy.

 

If the guy broke-up with her tomorrow, she would still spend the same amount of time thinking about him, only the difference would be her then pining away for him, instead of the present-tense version of same.

 

When her guy lands here complaining about her trying to "control" him, only then do we make up absurd connections to controlling behaviors. Until then, common sense would be a better alternative.

[Titanwolf]

You sound like a scorpio. I agree with Fitchick though.

[AmeliePoulain]

I appreciate all the replies. (I'm actually a Sagittarius, TitanWolf )

 

The day after I posted this on the forum, I hung out with my bf the next night and had the most amazing time. He said how fortunate and lucky he was to have met me and thinks we complement each other well. I had a great time and felt giddy inside. During that time I also wondered why I go through spells of self-doubt and analyzing when I'm having such a wonderful time. I know what I feel but I want to be able to not allow it to have a detrimental effect to myself nor my relationship.

 

I'm also not controlling as someone may have suggested. I just want to be able to maintain healthy thoughts because I know I can't control the way anyone else feels. Since I come off more confident with people (friends, work, bf) it's as if I'm waiting for my self-esteem inside to catch up with what I display. Almost like a fake it til you make it type of deal where I have to keep practicing and convincing myself that I truly am a cool girlfriend and one day I won't even have to try.

 

I also think I'm overly-critical of myself. My mother has also been critical of both me and my sister, so I know that it's up to me to change the way I feel. Are there things you guys tell yourself daily or remind yourselves that you're awesome. I come on here to read posts that will help me understanding others and about myself.

 

Tonight I'll be going to my bf's house. He said his mother has been wanting to meet me. I know it'll be fine, although I need a filter in my mouth as I'm such a blunt person. We're just going to watch a movie at his place and I'm excited about it. Meeting parents is not something I worry about, but the start of a long-term relationship, oh yes, I could use the help lol

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I can imagine Amelie a few years ago, back in school... just wishing and OVER-wishing that "a boyfriend" would happen to/for her.

 

Spending all this time thinking about it, and imagining him...

 

 

and only today, she finally HAS that guy... only her mind is so used to (going a million miles a minute in that area)... that she just wants to keep FOCUSED on what is so important to her.

 

 

Indeed she may tear her hair out at times, just for concentrating too hard on occasion, but I don't sense it to be so bad...