Do I? and How if I tell his gf he was cheating on her with me

[Mochalatte]

I am not really the OW by choice but:

A close, long ago divorced male acquaintance became flirty with me via internet back in January. We spoke via internet until April. On the day my divorce was final in April, he decided to be my shoulder and we met. We talked about everything... even about his dating interests. He said he did have one, but it wouldn't work due to distance and she was merely a long time close friend. She lives an hour away. Actually, she even texted him during our conversation. He and I ended up becoming intimate that night.

 

We continued to see one another every two weeks for two more months bc he did not want a relationship. In June, he said the long time close friend he had told me about wanted to take their friendship further, that if it happened he did want to have mislead me. Well, he continued to call and text me. I assumed nothing of it played out because he was still in noncommittal mode. We continued having sex. I got attached. When I did, he backed off and got distant but still maintained a FWB relationship with me. He stated he was not ready to be the kind of man I needed. He needed to work on himself. Big flags went up bc every time I was with him, this woman was texting or calling and he was so attentive to it. Like as if she were a girlfriend. YET I knew he wasn't ready to commit to anyone so once again I doubted. Finally, I outright asked if he was having sex with her. He said he HAD. Once again, stating not wanting relationships.

 

For a few days he went out of town only to end up at her place, unusually posting on fb as having a wonderful time with her and her kids. I imposed a test on him by asking him out via text. He said it would be a week before he was free. I started probing questions which made him feel uneasy. I asked him if were happy. He was said more than he has been in a long time. I asked if it were bc he were ppl he loved. And he said yes. The conversation went on until I got the answers I wanted and mentioned her name…letting him know I knew he was with her…He tried to say I knew they were taking it further than friendship but I rebutted saying I did NOT know they were exclusive. He admitted he was being unfaithful to her. The kicker: He told me he was ready to change. Keep in mind he had just had sex with me 10 days prior to this. He said he was tired of being unfaithful to her. He was getting older and wanted to settle down and do the right thing and not play around with women. That several situations occurred while on his short trip that brought him to this. He said he couldn’t be with me any longer. I asked why he cheated on her and he said it was an opportunity and that any man would have acted on. I made him promise to tell her. He said he would. Then suggested we could still be distant friends!? Wow!!! I said no thank you. How would it make her feel idiot!

 

I now know he has been committed to her since Feb and told others she was his girlfriend!

 

The guy has a history. He cheated on his wife with an 18year old and who knows who else how many times and but only got caught once. He said he was weak due to working long distance from his wife. She divorced him. Then him back to try and work it out, then he got into internet porn and she kicked him to the curb. This long distance close friend has been in his life three years. His exwife says he will always be unfaithful. He flirts with his friends that are women horribly and sends them explicit images. Being the hypocrite he is he even posts bible scripture on his fb page.

 

My question is this: Do I let the girlfriend, that he now “claims” he wants to be faithful to, know that he has been cheating on her with me…without me knowing they were exclusive? Do I warn her? I so badly want to…not out of revenge on him but out of giving her a choice to stay with him or not. She has kids, and I am sure she thinks he hung the moon. Do you think he really had this epiphany to change? Or was it bc I busted him? How should I go about this… I hate that she will be living this lie that he is wonderful!!!! She deserves more. She has raised three kids alone and has a deadbeat exhusband.

BTW- I have proof...

[The Way I Am]

If I were that woman, I'd want to know. It takes a lot of guts to actually tell though, because you put yourself in danger of incurring the woman's wrath. If she's rational, she won't blame you, but a lot of people are irrational or downright nuts.

[Mochalatte]

YESSS! I am so done with him. He and I both have that understanding. ICK.

 

It is NOT an act of revenge by telling her. Really, I have just put myself in her shoes. This woman deserves more. She has invited him into her life with trust...taken him into her home and made him apart of her kids lives. Her kids deserve more! Everything he said he couldn't be to me was really what he can't and hasn't been to her... when I tried to pursue a relationship with him, he said he couldn't. That I deserved someone that would devote their time to me without other obligations, to be loving and not just a lover. I needed someone with compassion. Someone that would be a role model to my kids and show them and me not all men are bad. He said he couldn't do that for me "for now."

I didn't know he was already in a relationship NOT giving someone else this. Poor woman I'm telling you it breaks my heart. I keep thinking how I could have easily been her! She is mom with kids just like myself thinking that she IS getting all of those things. And really, his other obligations I now understand were "her." How awful to be considered an obligation!!!

 

I have asked so many others where to go now in all of this...my responses all point to leaving it alone. I had a betrayed spouse tell me that he had so many people tell him his wife was bad, seeing other men, doing him wrong...but until he felt it in his heart he wouldn't listen or believe any of it. He said to just walk away...and take care of me. Another friend said "let God take care of you...and let God take care of him."

 

So, I'm still torn really. I even considered going anonymously but others say she will know I am fake. The STD thing scares me for her. And I keep putting myself in her shoes... but I have soooo much at stake if I go to her. I have kids that he knows so much about. He could damage the reputation of a family member that is a coworker that is in the process of being promoted. He could lash out at me... He will deny EVERYthing of course only portraying me as an angry nut that chased him...All of this scares the hell out of me too. It seems to bring more trouble instead of peace.