Do I and how...to tell his gf he cheated on her

[Mochalatte]

A close, long ago divorced male acquaintance became flirty with me via internet back in January. We spoke via internet until April. On the day my divorce was final in April, he decided to be my shoulder and we met. We talked about everything... even about his dating interests. He said he did have one, but it wouldn't work due to distance and she was merely a long time close friend. She lives an hour away. Actually, she even texted him during our conversation. He and I ended up becoming intimate that night.

 

We continued to see one another every two weeks for two more months bc he did not want a relationship. In June, he said the long time close friend he had told me about wanted to take their friendship further, that if it happened he did want to have mislead me. Well, he continued to call and text me. I assumed nothing of it played out because he was still in noncommittal mode. We continued having sex. I got attached. When I did, he backed off and got distant but still maintained a FWB relationship with me. He stated he was not ready to be the kind of man I needed. He needed to work on himself. Big flags went up bc every time I was with him, this woman was texting or calling and he was so attentive to it. Like as if she were a girlfriend. YET I knew he wasn't ready to commit to anyone so once again I doubted. Finally, I outright asked if he was having sex with her. He said he HAD. Once again, stating not wanting relationships.

 

For a few days he went out of town only to end up at her place, unusually posting on fb as having a wonderful time with her and her kids. I imposed a test on him by asking him out via text. He said it would be a week before he was free. I started probing questions which made him feel uneasy. I asked him if were happy. He was said more than he has been in a long time. I asked if it were bc he were ppl he loved. And he said yes. The conversation went on until I got the answers I wanted and mentioned her name…letting him know I knew he was with her…He tried to say I knew they were taking it further than friendship but I rebutted saying I did NOT know they were exclusive. He admitted he was being unfaithful to her. The kicker: He told me he was ready to change. Keep in mind he had just had sex with me 10 days prior to this. He said he was tired of being unfaithful to her. He was getting older and wanted to settle down and do the right thing and not play around with women. That several situations occurred while on his short trip that brought him to this. He said he couldn’t be with me any longer. I asked why he cheated on her and he said it was an opportunity and that any man would have acted on. I made him promise to tell her. He said he would. Then suggested we could still be distant friends!? Wow!!! I said no thank you. How would it make her feel idiot!

 

I now know he has been committed to her since Feb and told others she was his girlfriend!

The guy has a history. He cheated on his wife with an 18year old and who knows who else how many times and but only got caught once. He said he was weak due to working long distance from his wife. She divorced him. Then him back to try and work it out, then he got into internet porn and she kicked him to the curb. This long distance close friend has been in his life three years. His exwife says he will always be unfaithful. He flirts with his friends that are women horribly and sends them explicit images. Being the hypocrite he is he even posts bible scripture on his fb page.

 

My question is this: Do I let the girlfriend, that he now “claims” he wants to be faithful to, know that he has been cheating on her with me…without me knowing they were exclusive? Do I warn her? I so badly want to…not out of revenge on him but out of giving her a choice to stay with him or not. She has kids, and I am sure she thinks he hung the moon. Do you think he really had this epiphany to change? Or was it bc I busted him? How should I go about this… I hate that she will be living this lie that he is wonderful!!!! She deserves more. She has raised three kids alone and has a deadbeat exhusband.

Edited August 19, 2012 by Mochalatte

[Mochalatte]

BTW- I have proof...

[BetrayedH]

The only time I recommend any hesitation about disclosing cheating is if your motivations are suspect (revenge) or if the betrayed person is known to be suicidal. Doesn't sounds like that's the case here.

 

The fact is that the girlfriend has a right to know and to make informed decisions about her life.

 

And bring that proof. She's not likely to blindly believe terrible things about her BF. As well, he may well have told her that some crazy girl is stalking him and saying crazy things. It's a standard response.

 

Otherwise, be kind about details. Answer what she asks honestly but some details should only be shared if she asks.

 

Good luck.

[NotCamelot]

The GF needs to know. Then she can decide if she wants her life tied to that. And you too can see what that relationshiop is really about.

[GLDheart]

If I were in her shoes, I'd want to know. But yeah bring that poof.

 

The first thing that ALWAYS happens is denial. It would be easier to believe that he had a twin brother and YOU were somehow confused.

[Mochalatte]

Thank you all for your help. I keep going back to the idea that I would want to know. I just don't know how to handle this. I have kids, a job...a life. And a parent that works in his field with superiority. This guy knows all about me. I want to be protected from him as well as from her. I don't know her or how she will react. She has known him closely for 3yrs and has been undoubtly exclusive with him since Feb. It's going to hurt. I would even bet she stays and gives him a chance. He will give those 3 whatever life changing events credit for making him now want be faithful to her. I know how he operates. And she will lose all pride-dignity and stay giving him a chance.

I have created a fictitious facebook account. I considered dropping her a short note through messaging. Maybe saying I was a friend of the OW. If she wants delve more into specifics she can ask... Is this a good idea?

What do I say to give enough info to get a feel for her response but not go hog wild in depth? I would rather stay anonymous. You never know these days... I could have easily taken a torch to him...grrrrrr.

[BetrayedH]

I don't have a lot of experience in anonymous exposure but on the surface, your idea sounds like a reasonable one to me. Perhaps the fake friend gives you enough plausible deniability that you could avoid bringing drama into your life.

 

I suppose it is conceivable that she could be upset with you as you're officially the other woman but really, you were an unwitting OW that wouldn't stand for it, came clean with her for her sake, and aren't pursuing him anymore. But that doesn't mean he wouldn't be vindictive and he doesn't sound like such a nice honorable guy anyway, right?

 

My gut says to share that he had a sexual affair with your "friend," that she cut it off when she found out she was the OW then see what she asks. Out of respect for her, answer any questions honestly. The worst part of being betrayed (and trying to decide if you should stay) is never knowing the TRUTH. But oddly to me, some don't want it (the details are painful and replay over and over in your head). Most do want it and never get it.

 

Of course, be prepared when the BF calls to ask if you are the one talking. My gut says that it should a friend of a friend that spilled the beans so yoh aren't harrassed to put a lid on it. The whistle-blower could be someone that was betrayed themselves.

 

Normally I am an advocate for full honesty but in this case, you didn't ask for this drama and I think it is ok to protect yourself while trying to do the right thing by this guy's betrayed GF.

 

Good luck.

[GLDheart]

Is any part of you revealing this an act of revenge?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Is any part of you revealing this an act of revenge?

 

 

 

LOL - god, it is ALL "revenge" in this case. It screams from the page!

[2long]

I have kids, a job...a life. And a parent that works in his field with superiority. This guy knows all about me. I want to be protected from him as well as from her.

 

Are you worried for your parent's safety or job, if he retaliates 2 your exposure? If so, expose 2 them first, so they know what 2 expect in the worse case.

 

...but this does sound like revenge 2 me, 2. Exposure should be a simple telling of the truth, not a vindictive thing.

 

-ol' 2long

[GLDheart]

LOL - god, it is ALL "revenge" in this case. It screams from the page!

 

You know it. I know it. I was looking for the OP to answer it.

[Mochalatte]

Actually it isnt out of revenge at all. This man is totally out of my life... And I only have God to thank for that! I did not CHOOSE to be the OW so why would I want revenge? I wasn't exclusive with him either. He never promised me a relationship... Of course now I know why. I DO NOT want him back, nor am I trying to take him down. Am I angry that he lied to me... Hell yeah! What normal person wouldnt be. But not enough to waste my time in stirring up trouble on his behalf. Am I angry at what he has done to her? Hell yeah! Even moreso bc she placing alot of love and trust in this guy... She deserves better. Her kids deserve better... A better role model.

 

But I decided to let it go. Its between them. God will take care of me... And he will take care of him for being unfaithful to women. No matter what anyone tells her about this guy, she wont believe them until she feels it in her heart. He will make me out to be the stalker chick and she will believe them. I also have kids to protect...

[BetrayedH]

Bummer for her. Hope she doesn't get an STD.

[Mochalatte]

She stood that chance before I even came along... And I am sure she will still stand that chance now that I am gone. He won't quit. He will pacify her bc he is so damn charming...and "changing" his ways. She will carry on with him... just like I did until I finally put two and two together, did MY OWN research and busted him. You see, I knew he had been unfaithful to his wife...that he was a flirt...that he didn't want commitments. But I still hung in there. Even with playing with the idea he had a FWB going on with her and me I still stayed, not wanting to believe and thinking he would one day want something more with me. He is a CHARMER and CUNNING. He tells half truths and lies to pacify you. He has a way with words...he is a very educated man and skilled in what he does. I almost think it's hopeless to tell her. He wormed his way into her life 3 yrs ago, so I have the odds of time against her believing me and trusting him.

 

This is the hardest decision...

But my family is my heart. I have two little ones...and I should put their safety first...nothing but more trouble will come out of this. If she approaches me at any given time with suspicions, yes...I will come forth. But, I can't go out looking for it and have her or him lash out at me or my family. When she is ready, she will be ready.

 

If I could protect everyone I sure as hell would in a second

Edited August 23, 2012 by Mochalatte