Author red.velvet Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 I wasn't being mean you just came across as being young. The fact that you did not think it was a big deal solidifies that he was not a priority. And if you did not come on this board with your story, you would of let it go not postponing your trip because you think you did nothing wrong. But that is a good move and gesture. Giving yourself another last weekend. It is up to him to see if he wants to accept it. Well, I'm not 19, a couple of years older. You are right, I'd have let it go if I didnt come to this board with my story and hear what you guys have to say. He will never know that I have postponed my trip unless he starts talking to me. If he doesnt accept it, and if he is not willing to forgive me, it will hurt, but I'm ready to accept that.
Author red.velvet Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 Well in life sometimes our actions have consequences, if you truly are postponing your trip I would advocate to go see him to tell him. And apologize. And be prepared to explain why you did what you did. And let me explain how he feels. If I were him, I would feel that you weren't truly sincere about post poning your trip because you really think you did nothing wrong. I am sincere about postponing my trip. I feel really bad that this happend. How do I go see someone who wount pick up his phone or reply his texts? I will not be the crazy lady banging on his door and not being let in. We had planned to meet up tomorrow, if he still remains quiet and doesnt acknowledge my apologies or the fact that we are supposed to meet up, I guess it will be time for me to move on.
Author red.velvet Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 Well he sacrificed his feelings to let you go spend your weekend with your friends, now it is time for you to sacrifice and go tell him face to face that you are post poning your trip. Have you been interacting on social networking ? Email ? I have tried everything, even email, he is just not responding to me.
Author red.velvet Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 I'm beginning to think that maybe his silence has nothing to do with me. Maybe something has happend to him, or maybe he is going through some other staf, I think its best I just leave him alone, incase it has nothing to do with me, and when and if he comes around, I will tell him that I postponed my trip and we can have our last weekend together. But in the event that he doesnt come around, I'll have to move on.
ASG Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 In my opinion it is not that big an offense for you to spend time with your friends, when you said you would spend the last 4 days with him. Why is "the weekend" so important? It's not! And it's not reasonable to expect you to not spend time with your friends if you are leaving for a year. But, ok, he got upset, fair enough. He then did the passive aggressive thing of saying it's ok and now he's ignoring you? Yeah... That wouldn't fly with me. It is NOT your fault. He can't communicate. It is fair enough that was upset... People get upset for all sorts of reasons. But ignoring you for days? That is on him and him alone. You may not want to lose him, but your R will not last in a LDR if he can't even tell you that he's upset. 3
Author red.velvet Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 To a couple, people in a relationship, spending a last weekend together has meaning. It may mean nothing to you. But to people who really love eachother priority is key. She put her friends before him. For all she knows he might of had something planned, but she chose her friends instead. So he gets the leftovers, the last four days. Is that how you treat a boyfriend you say you love ? I am not condoning his ignoring behavior but he sure does have the right to feel the way he feels. I would too but would approach it in a different manner. I dont think anything happened to him. Email and text him that you are postponing your trip, you know you made a mistake, and would like to make it up to him. If that doesnt work. Then you two were never meant to be. Thank you I'll try that. I will definitely keep you all posted.
ASG Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 To a couple, people in a relationship, spending a last weekend together has meaning. It may mean nothing to you. But to people who really love eachother priority is key. She put her friends before him. For all she knows he might of had something planned, but she chose her friends instead. So he gets the leftovers, the last four days. Is that how you treat a boyfriend you say you love ? I am not condoning his ignoring behavior but he sure does have the right to feel the way he feels. I would too but would approach it in a different manner. I dont think anything happened to him. Email and text him that you are postponing your trip, you know you made a mistake, and would like to make it up to him. If that doesnt work. Then you two were never meant to be. For ME it is more important to spend the LAST few days with my BF than a random weekend. And if he had plans, again, he should have said. Or just say, plain and simple, that he really wanted to hang out with her and that he would appreciate it if she could rearrange her plans with her friends. *THAT* is what would be right. Not this passive aggressive **** of not saying anything and then being all annoyed and ignoring texts and email. 2
Author red.velvet Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 So he has finally contacted me. He was very very upset. He is over it now. Although I have made it very clear that I will never ever tolerate this kind of BS ever again. Thank you all for your input!
SassyBoots Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I think your boyfriend is being a baby. You have the absolute right to choose to say goodbye to your other friends as well, and if it wound up being over a weekend and you still had four days left before you leave, he has to realize that the most needs to be made of the time that is left for the both of you to be face to face. Whats wrong with doing the same things over the four days that you would have done on the weekend?????????? Sounds like a control issue to me, and I would move on and enjoy your life and not listen to someone who is making you dance to their tune. I am going thru a similar situation myself with mine(I call it the my way or the highway syndrome)and its remarkably similar to my fifteen year olds attitude......which is remarkably similar to my two year old nieces attitude......"me me me me me." You deserve better. Realize it and move on, don't make yourself available to him, let him chase you....and if he doesn't....someone else will. Cheers 2
Author red.velvet Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 Honestly, I'm actually thinking of ending this relationship. I feel bad for what I did, but Ive decided not to have a LDR with him. I'll let him know next I see him.
Lonely Ronin Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 He didn't tell her not to go with her friends. In fact he said have fun. She chose to go. And if you cannot see that a last weekend with a boyfriend after going away for a year is special and takes priority over being with your friends, then you dont belong in a relationship. I call that "I really dont care about my boyfriend syndrome". ^^ What he said...
Author red.velvet Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 Honey the relationship was already ended when you picked your friends over your boyfriend. Enjoy that trip of yours. Bon Voyage. Haha! funny! Its not over until I say so. But thanks a lot for your advice, you helped me understand his passive agressive behaviour.
Greznog Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Until you say so? How do you know your bf is not going to end it when you see him first? And I said it in a metaphorical way. Talk about who is the control freak. It is not over until I say so. You never had an ounce of respect for this man. Imagine the same post with the genders reversed and see how fast a ****storm would ensue.
pteromom Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I don't see the big deal either. You spend a weekend with your friends. You had four days to spend with him. If the weekend was special to him or if he wanted you to switch up which days you spent with him, he had a voice and could use it at any time. "Hey, I'd really like to take you out Saturday night. How about you visit with your friends on Monday?" Instead, he said to go and have fun. Someone can't say go and have fun, THEN get mad after the fact because they felt like second priority. That's just passive-aggressive BS. It's up to him whether he feels a weekend is more special than a weekday, but he has a responsibility to communicate - not just assume that his gf should feel the exact same way. 1
pteromom Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I am not condoning his passive aggressive behavior at all. I would of spoke up. Things like this make or break relationship. I am a romantic, and spending the last weekend with my significant other before I deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan multiple times was VERY significant. I would of been very disappointed if my S/O chose her friends over me. I dont agree with the way he or she handled it. But I do believe her loyalties should of been with him. Wouldn't you want your spouse or S/O to be on the same page as you? Sure... but you can't EXPECT the spouse or S/O to be on the same page without communication. In your case, it would have gone differently. Her: "I was thinking about going to XXXXXX with my friends on Saturday." You: "I was really hoping we could spend your last weekend here together." Her: "Oh ok. I'll let my friends know we can do it on Monday. What do you want to do Saturday?" Crisis averted. Clear communication is key in situations like this. It's unfair to expect someone else to read our minds, and ESPECIALLY unfair to say one thing (Go and have fun!) and mean another thing (I told her to go and have fun, but if she loved me, she'd know that I really would rather her be with me. IMO her loyalties WERE with him. She laid out her plans to him and gave him input into them. At any time, he could have spoken up about his own desires. 3
pteromom Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I agreee with about 95% of your post, but you cannot avert the fact that she chose her friends to hang with over her boyfriend. Even if he did bring it up and verbalized his idea, she still would of wanted to hang with her friends. Even if she gave up her plans with her friends and hung up with him for the weekend, its like it wasnt genuine, because he was not a priority. See my point? But here's the thing. You (and apparently he) feel that a weekend is somehow more special than the last 4 days she'd be there. She (and I) feel that it is more important to spend the last days with him. IMO, she was getting her friends out of the way first so she could spend the last four days with only him. Neither viewpoint is right or wrong, but again it comes back to communication. She couldn't know how he feels unless he shares it with her. I disagree that if she'd changed her plans to hang with him, it wouldn't be genuine. It's part of being in a mature relationship - communicating and negotiating a solution. You simply can't expect a partner to feel exactly like you do about something like this. 1
pteromom Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I don't see this as being a mature relationship, so can we agree on that ? And I do think weekends are special. But we are all entitled to opinions. Definitely not a mature relationship. And yes, we are all entitled to opinions. And we all have a responsibility to share those opinions with our S/Os if they are going to be affected by said opinions.
pteromom Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 That is something I have to work on in relationships. I am not perfect. I am a communicator but sometimes I get frustrated if my S/O doesn't do what I feel is the right thing. And if I have to tell her what needs to be done to fix something, in my eyes it makes it less genuine. Perfect example: Sent flowers and balloons to a girl I was dating for about three months to her work. Just to say hi I care and I miss ya! Now mind you we texted every day at work. I called the Florist to confirm she received and signed for them. Took her 9 hours to "text" me say oh thanks for the balloons. I was expecting a phone call not a text. If I told her the right thing to do is call the person it makes it less genuine. I agree this is something you need to work on. However, in your example, I do agree that MOST people would realize that their bf was waiting to hear that she liked the flowers and balloons, and would say thank you right away. I don't think it is unreasonable to be disappointed about a text 9 hours later. But having expectations and not communicating those expectations is dangerous for relationships. As is feeling it isn't "genuine" if you have to express your own feelings about something if someone can't just read your mind or doesn't automatically feel the exact same way. Giving to someone else when it meets their needs, but isn't the way you'd naturally do things is actually MORE effort than just doing what comes naturally, and shows a lot of caring. 1
pteromom Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Thats the thing, if things don't come naturally, there is a disconnect. A lot of it I think is common sense. It is almost like having to remind someone to wish you happy birthday Sometimes. Like I said, in your balloons example it seems like common sense. But in the OP's example, I don't think it is natural that someone should automatically feel that the weekend was more important. Just in this thread, there are people agreeing with you, and others saying "I would rather have the last 4 days." 1
pteromom Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Well do you think your anniversary is special ? If you are married or had a significant other ? Or the day you met ? Weekends are special. Weddings, social events, romantic things usually occur on the weekends. That is how I feel. The fact the OP doesn't feel that way to me speaks volumes as to what type of realtionship these two had. Anniversary, yes. The day we met, yes. Weekends, no. The only reason weddings and social events happen on weekends is because most people are off work to attend them. I think you are entitled to your opinion, but I don't think the fact that someone else would feel differently about the importance of a weekend is why they have a poor relationship. Again, it's about communication. I mean - I don't think weekends are a big deal, and that doesn't mean I am incapable of a relationship. (shrug)
TheFinalWord Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 (edited) so yesterday, my boyfriend got mad at me because it was my last weekend in the country and I spent it with my friends instead of with him. I am leaving for work for a year and we wil have to long distance. I apologized and told him we would spend the next four days together before I left. he told me it was okay and that I should have fun with my friends and that he was cool. I text him later to ask him if we could talk because I just wanted to know how his day was and he ignored my text. I text him again today to find if he was okay and he ignored me again. i'm now angry coz I think he is being rude. Also, I leave in 4 days, I cant imagine that he will spend this time ignoring me. what should I do? Could he possibly still be angry?? Hello, The instant a behavior does not align everyone says "Dump, it's over". Can you imagine the chaos if everyone in a relationship did that at the first miscommunication? Yes, there is a time to end things, but giving up at the first sign of trouble is not the way to do things. Try your best and if there is an impasse, then end things. I've been in a LDR. They are difficult. Communication is paramount. This was the first test of MANY to come. There will be misunderstandings in all relationships; LDR 10x more so because you do not have regular interaction. When people get mad they handle it in one of three ways: Passive, Aggressive, Assertive. Passive and aggressive can be improved, though passive is usually easier to deal with than aggressive. For men, we often need time to process emotions. He felt threatened that he was not your top priority. The stress response in the body is the natural reaction to a perceived threat. This was probably an irrational decision on his end. I don't know b/c we don't know the dynamic of your relation and we only have one side of things (there are two sides to every story). Your behavior triggered the stress response (fight or flight) in him. Until the stress response resides, rational dialogue can not occur. For some people, when the stress response is initiated they shut down (flight). Once the emotion has subsided they can communicate rationally. If your boyfriend shut down, you just need to give him time to relax and think rationally. During these times it is important not to jump to conclusions. Patience is required on both ends. Instead, you got angry too. Understood. But you will have to learn how he responds when he is angry. He is passive, and not aggressive, which is good if you have to pick between the two. Aggressive guys will often use bullying and physical to handle conflict. Passive, he will bottle it up until he has cooled down. This is when dialogue has to take place. So he has finally contacted me. He was very very upset. He is over it now. Although I have made it very clear that I will never ever tolerate this kind of BS ever again. Thank you all for your input! You will both get angry at each other again. No point in making demands that are impossible. That's as irrational as his response. You will have to remain receptive to understanding how he reacts when angry and decide if the relationship is important enough that you will be patient. Eventually you will learn what triggers his anger and will be able to avoid it, unless you get married, then you can poke at each other for fun Good luck with your new job! Edited August 20, 2012 by TheFinalWord
nessaaa Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 yup i knew he was being a sucky baby...hes just mad he didnt get his way that was all.
nessaaa Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 should have gave him a real reason to be mad.. psh... i swear people will find any excuse to cause a fight.
Lonely Ronin Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 i swear people will find any excuse to cause a fight. You have a lot of experience doing this do you? 1
Els Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I think there are three key issues here that people seem to be missing: 1. He did not even make any plans for them for the weekend 2. He shrugged it off when she told him her friends had asked her out, and told her he didn't mind when he actually did 3. Even after the fact, instead of straight-up telling her that he actually DID mind, he went the passive-aggressive route and started ignoring her instead I get that he is unhappy that she'd gone off with her friends on the last weekend they had together, but frankly he did absolutely nothing to communicate his needs to her. She is not expected to read minds. Some people would not have minded. He did. He should have told her. I would have been unhappy had I been in his position, but the difference is that I would have acted differently on all three points; I would have told him that I had wanted to spend the weekend with him and it was important to me. Had her bf done so, I doubt things would have turned out the way they did. I agree with TheFinalWord, though - this relationship really doesn't seem like it's made for a LDR. LDRs, like illness and poverty, are trial-by-fire for relationships. Those with weak foundations are mercilessly culled; and even some of the strong fall. Perhaps it is better that you find this out right away, OP, instead of going through a long period of long distance before it falls. 4
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