Author Furious Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 I agree. I guess i really just don't understand why honesty is so difficult. I think honesty is difficult because it removes the control from whatever a cheater wants. Honesty comes with consequence, lying is a free pass.
Summer Breeze Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Do you know what got me? It wasn't the lies he physically told me or the truth that he kept from me. It was the times he looked me in the face when we were out with friends or family. It was the times we laughed at our little girl or played baseball outside with his kids. Every second that was normal was all of a sudden ripped away from me. I could never forgive him for taking everything away from me. He had thousands and thousands of minutes and moments that he could have told me the truth but he chose to smile lovingly at me and keep on going. The lies about working late weren't nearly as hurtful as the silent lie that our M meant anything to him at all. That is why I could never ever trust him again. 2
Spark1111 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Do you know what got me? It wasn't the lies he physically told me or the truth that he kept from me. It was the times he looked me in the face when we were out with friends or family. It was the times we laughed at our little girl or played baseball outside with his kids. Every second that was normal was all of a sudden ripped away from me. I could never forgive him for taking everything away from me. He had thousands and thousands of minutes and moments that he could have told me the truth but he chose to smile lovingly at me and keep on going. The lies about working late weren't nearly as hurtful as the silent lie that our M meant anything to him at all. That is why I could never ever trust him again. Great point, SB! I could not look at any photo of our family times during the affair for years! I could not imagine the kind of compartmentalization it would take to love your wife, your family, while pretending to love another, even texting her! on those special occasions. It seemed to me like MY entire life during the affair -- even the wonderful happy times as a couple--were a complete lie because I was operating under such a false assumption that we were good and happy, and if not good and happy, both on the same page at least. But that in time faded....and I realized my life was true and authentic for me! I lived it with the integrity and sincerity I have always tried to bring to the table. The pictures have slowly re-emerged from hiding and the smile on my face is the only one I concentrate on. My reality is my reality, and no one, not even a man I love and have come to forgive, can take that away from me. I will NOT allow it. The regrets are his alone to deal with today, a bell that cannot be unrung. 4
Author Furious Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 Great point, SB! I could not look at any photo of our family times during the affair for years! I could not imagine the kind of compartmentalization it would take to love your wife, your family, while pretending to love another, even texting her! on those special occasions. It seemed to me like MY entire life during the affair -- even the wonderful happy times as a couple--were a complete lie because I was operating under such a false assumption that we were good and happy, and if not good and happy, both on the same page at least. But that in time faded....and I realized my life was true and authentic for me! I lived it with the integrity and sincerity I have always tried to bring to the table. The pictures have slowly re-emerged from hiding and the smile on my face is the only one I concentrate on. My reality is my reality, and no one, not even a man I love and have come to forgive, can take that away from me. I will NOT allow it. The regrets are his alone to deal with today, a bell that cannot be unrung. The lies, that came in all sizes, each and everyday. The lies he told the kids, the excuses of why he had to miss that game, or how tired he was and snapping at them. The advice he gave to them, and in the meanwhile being a hypocrite. The holidays and special events and him sitting at the head of the dining room table slicing the turkey. He took from me what I would not have given him if I knew the truth. He cherry picked the the bits he took from me and our family and took the bits from the secret affair he was wrapped up in. I've also packed away the photo albums from that time. Too difficult to look at those family photo's and the history of our lives tainted by lies. 2
nofool4u Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 The lies worse than the actual affair? No, the affair itself is worse. The lies are just icing on the cake of a lousy character.
beenburned Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Spark, Great post! Just this week this has hit me squarely between the eyes. After 30+ years, we finally had our old home movies put on blu-ray DVD!!! Talk about a blast from the past! After watching all 8 hours of them, I quietly asked my H, "which of those years was my life a lie"? He said my life with you and the kids was never a lie. I have always loved you and our marriage, I was just a young immature idiot. He cheated on me 3 times when both kids were very young. He also said it wouldn't have mattered who he was married to at that time, he still would have cheated. Like spark, I have totally reclaimed my life in all of its glory for many years now!! However, that doesn't mean I can't be triggered every once in a while, by old memories. 3
Spark1111 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 I had a similiar trigger a few months ago when we HAD to clean out boxes and boxes of photos and papers and cards from the attic. As I looked at it ALL...from the cradles of my children to the graves of his parents and my dad and my brother....all I felt was gratitude that my life has been blessed with so much MORE than I could have ever anticipated. It was always enough for me. He was always enough for me. And I have always been proud of the life we worked so hard to create together. I was not the unhappy one who sought solace elsewhere with another; who needed a cheap ego-boost and validation from a stranger. I think what hurts the most today is the realization that my spouse was not the super hero I thought he was, but an insecure and vulnerable man. Ahh, love is blind and maybe it is suppose to be. For the life of me, I will never understand it completely: not him, the affair, or the woman who helped him betray his very own legacy. She always told him that she wanted what I had. Well, had she ever returned my calls, I would have told her you have to EARN a life like mine, built on honesty and integrity and self-sacrifice and respect. No man, with a fat wallet, is ever going to do that for you toots. 2
SoMovinOn Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I guess i really just don't understand why honesty is so difficult. For a lot of reasons... fear of consequences, fear of rejection, conflict avoidance, ego ... humans lie, every day, for all manner of reasons, good and bad.
Summer Breeze Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Great point, SB! I could not look at any photo of our family times during the affair for years! I could not imagine the kind of compartmentalization it would take to love your wife, your family, while pretending to love another, even texting her! on those special occasions. It seemed to me like MY entire life during the affair -- even the wonderful happy times as a couple--were a complete lie because I was operating under such a false assumption that we were good and happy, and if not good and happy, both on the same page at least. But that in time faded....and I realized my life was true and authentic for me! I lived it with the integrity and sincerity I have always tried to bring to the table. The pictures have slowly re-emerged from hiding and the smile on my face is the only one I concentrate on. My reality is my reality, and no one, not even a man I love and have come to forgive, can take that away from me. I will NOT allow it. The regrets are his alone to deal with today, a bell that cannot be unrung. I see what you're saying Spark and our responses to what they did are as different as 2 humans could be. I totally agree about living being true to yourself. I did too. I gave everything I could to him and to our family and extended families. I loved him as much as a W could love a H. Like you I never wavered. The difference between you and I is I couldn't forgive him bypassing a years worth of opportunities to come clean about it. You're right -- no one can take from either you or I what we each had. I couldn't justify a world for me where he had the right to have the real thing back again. Like I said though, we're all different in our responses and choices. I always respect when people do something I couldn't do. 2
carhill Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 The lies worse than the actual affair?Am I wrong? IMO, you're right. The lies, regardless of level, and selfishness were the most hurtful and regrettable parts for myself. That said, the process taught life lessons on many levels which may have never been learned otherwise, specifically about boundaries. Clarity and boundaries were my two largest positive takeaways from the process but were overshadowed by the former, negative takeaways.
Author Furious Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 The biggest lie a WS believes is that while in an affair they are special. Truth is that an affair is rather common, and that their affair partner is just another insecure person with poor coping skills, and who are also desperate to feel special. A truly special person has integrity, and respects themselves while also respecting others. 4
road Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 The lies are not worse then the affair. Apples and oranges Without whole truth the healing will never finish. Without the truth the BS can never leave the affair in the past. The BS quest for answers will never let the BS forget the affair. Witholding the truth the WS will prevent the BS from rebuilding the trust that the affair broke.
Author Furious Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 The lies are not worse then the affair. Apples and oranges Without whole truth the healing will never finish. Without the truth the BS can never leave the affair in the past. The BS quest for answers will never let the BS forget the affair. Witholding the truth the WS will prevent the BS from rebuilding the trust that the affair broke. I agree to disagree, without the lies there wouldn't be an affair. It would just be an open marriage.
road Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 I agree to disagree, without the lies there wouldn't be an affair. It would just be an open marriage. An open marriage is another way of saying having affairs. Whether it is agreed to cheat on done on the sneak, sleeping with an OP instead of your spouse an affair. A marriage is between two, not three, not four, not any number but two.
Author Furious Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 An open marriage is another way of saying having affairs. Whether it is agreed to cheat on done on the sneak, sleeping with an OP instead of your spouse an affair. A marriage is between two, not three, not four, not any number but two. I entered into a traditional marriage, and for myself that is what I chose. A cheater who lies, has decided that they will deceive their spouse and basically conduct a one sided open marriage. This is where the lies come in. My husband knew I would never agree to this kind of arrangement and therefore lied, denying me the rights I deserved to the truth. His affair hurt me terribly but the lies have left an even deeper scar. 2
96nole Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 I entered into a traditional marriage, and for myself that is what I chose. A cheater who lies, has decided that they will deceive their spouse and basically conduct a one sided open marriage. This is where the lies come in. My husband knew I would never agree to this kind of arrangement and therefore lied, denying me the rights I deserved to the truth. His affair hurt me terribly but the lies have left an even deeper scar. Something a WS will never be able to understand unless they are a BS themselves at some point. 2
Silly_Girl Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 I hate lies. I've never had a good relationship with lies. I'm irrational about them and suspicious of them. I find them to be nasty and cruel, deliberate and directed at the person being lied to, even if they're not. I'm not good at understanding how someone can lie by accident. Let's say someone genuinely forgets to tell me something - a lie by omission - it takes a lot of effort on my part to accept that it's not some Machiavellian rouse! A lot of that is due to 8 years with a liar. But even before that when my son was small, I remember telling him that everyone makes mistakes, things get broken or we lose our temper in the playground etc etc, the thing you do that's wrong initially? That's one 'naughty'. But LYING about it after? That's a second 'naughty' it's bigger than the first and brings with it a much bigger punishment. No lies, ever. And that's what got me so angry about exMM. The state their marriage was in, crikey, no one with half a heart could condemn the guy for meeting someone else. This stuff happens. But to lie about it over and over. To let her think her universe was one way when in reality it was entirely different?? That stank. Made me fume. And she said pretty much the same thing herself when she first heard about us. It wasn't my existence that upset her, it was the fact a man she'd known for 13 years just kept on lying to her. Millions of 'naughty's And in my own experience of being cheated on, I could understand how it happened, but couldn't forgive the lying. 1
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