Furious Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 (edited) The lies worse than the actual affair? In my situation when I discovered my husband's affair I was more hurt by the nearly two years of lies rather than the thought of him having sex with someone else. What bothers me the most about his affair was that it robbed me of my own reality and that many of the decisions I made during the time of his affair would have been different. I definitely would not have been as supportive in his promotion and the frequent travel it entailed. I would not have agreed to the purchase of a cottage and the debt it put us in. I definitely was not aware that I was in an open marriage without my knowledge. My husband could have been honest and given me the chance to try something new and different also, but it was apparent he preferred I was loyal to him while he was disloyal to me...lol. In my opinion affairs are a dime a dozen, anyone can have an affair at any time, it's not rocket science. Just because someone is married doesn't mean we are blind to someone attractive to us. So why lie, why not tell the truth and give the spouse the same option. I realize that the lies were more than him sleeping with someone else, it was more about control and selfishness. Am I wrong? Edited August 19, 2012 by Furious 10
mercy Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 It makes you feel stuck doesn't it? I mean you were making all these choices and he was 'out there' making other choices. Nothing is harder than living with other peoples choices. With me it was the talking. eh, to the sex. I got that. The talking? It took a long long time to get over. Speaking of, it took him a long time to get that the talking mattered, to me. He was like, uhh, we just talked and I'd lose it. The counselor finally told him, lets not say that anymore. When they finally get the pain of what mattered to you healing starts. 3
Author Furious Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 It makes you feel stuck doesn't it? I mean you were making all these choices and he was 'out there' making other choices. Nothing is harder than living with other peoples choices. With me it was the talking. eh, to the sex. I got that. The talking? It took a long long time to get over. Speaking of, it took him a long time to get that the talking mattered, to me. He was like, uhh, we just talked and I'd lose it. The counselor finally told him, lets not say that anymore. When they finally get the pain of what mattered to you healing starts. Mercy Ironic how when someone lies it becomes a solution to covering up more lies, until lying becomes second nature. It's very difficult for me to look back at that time and see the me that didn't know and connect her to the me that now knows. It also bothered me that they talked, but it's also amazing what they didn't talk about, actually it was more about feeding their ego's and saying what they each wanted to hear.
mercy Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Mercy Ironic how when someone lies it becomes a solution to covering up more lies, until lying becomes second nature. It's very difficult for me to look back at that time and see the me that didn't know and connect her to the me that now knows. It also bothered me that they talked, but it's also amazing what they didn't talk about, actually it was more about feeding their ego's and saying what they each wanted to hear. Saying what they wanted to hear... oh for the love of God, the stupidity of man.... Spare me. Like the old saying, feed me horse sh*t but tell me it's sugar. Does your h get what he has done to you?
96nole Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Let's not forget, not only is it the lies and the talking, but it's also the wonderful things they say about the betrayed spouse. I doubt there are many WS's saying their BS is wonderful and everything they could ever hope for. 2
Author Furious Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 Saying what they wanted to hear... oh for the love of God, the stupidity of man.... Spare me. Like the old saying, feed me horse sh*t but tell me it's sugar. Does your h get what he has done to you? Yes he gets it now, and he also gets it that he was also lying to himself. He lied to himself, and rewrote our history. 4
Author Furious Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 Let's not forget, not only is it the lies and the talking, but it's also the wonderful things they say about the betrayed spouse. I doubt there are many WS's saying their BS is wonderful and everything they could ever hope for. That would defeat the purpose, I can't imagine an OW/OM that would want to get involved with a happily married person and whose spouse is wonderful.
GLDheart Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 That would defeat the purpose, I can't imagine an OW/OM that would want to get involved with a happily married person and whose spouse is wonderful. Exactly. They need to "rescue" the poor tortured oppressed soul stuck in a cage of an unloving marriage... 3
Author Furious Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 Exactly. They need to "rescue" the poor tortured oppressed soul stuck in a cage of an unloving marriage... In MC we discussed how my husband subconsciously sabotaged our marriage to justify the cheating. He fed the affair and starved the marriage. 1
todreaminblue Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 (edited) The lies worse than the actual affair? In my situation when I discovered my husband's affair I was more hurt by the nearly two years of lies rather than the thought of him having sex with someone else. What bothers me the most about his affair was that it robbed me of my own reality and that many of the decisions I made during the time of his affair would have been different. I definitely would not have been as supportive in his promotion and the frequent travel it entailed. I would not have agreed to the purchase of a cottage and the debt it put us in. I definitely was not aware that I was in an open marriage without my knowledge. My husband could have been honest and given me the chance to try something new and different also, but it was apparent he preferred I was loyal to him while he was disloyal to me...lol. In my opinion affairs are a dime a dozen, anyone can have an affair at any time, it's not rocket science. Just because someone is married doesn't mean we are blind to someone attractive to us. So why lie, why not tell the truth and give the spouse the same option. I realize that the lies were more than him sleeping with someone else, it was more about control and selfishness. Am I wrong? no you are not wrong fro feeling the way you do.What I found hardest with the affair is th econfusion i felt when he woudl get so angry with me....i would ask him fro advice about how to deal with the kids or ask him for a lift to court(wayward son) or make him a special dinner and he would get angry with me...its called transferrance but i didnt know what was happening i felt useless and confused most of the time....so i shut him out to concentrate on the kids....relied on public transport and handled everything myself so i ended up pretty sick actually then when he told me he was having an affair after i caught him out when he wasnt at work and i was minding his parents house while they were on holiday and their dog...he was in a hotel room with his new partner.....so do i think you shouldnt feel what you are feeling no way on earth should you deny your feelings....i denied mine fro a long time...have even thought a while ago abotu going back to him can you believe that for narcissism....NO MORE.....accept your feelings he did wrong not you, you have every right to feel what you are never deny what you feel, or you may forget why you should have those feelings and why he isnt right for you....then forgive him sky is the limit for you.....i wish you luck and hugs.....deb Edited August 19, 2012 by todreaminblue 2
96nole Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 In MC we discussed how my husband subconsciously sabotaged our marriage to justify the cheating. He fed the affair and starved the marriage. My ex did the same. For the last few months we were together, our sex life went way down. She would often come home complaining about not feeling well, was tired and wanted to go to bed early, etc. Then after I kicked her out, one of the things she complained about was that we didn't have enough sex and there wasn't a spark in the relationship. I guess she didn't want to cheat on her dirtbag with her husband. And as far as the spark in the relationship, she snuffed it out. Oh, and thank God she snuffed out the spark, with all of her farting, a spark may have blown the house up. 2
Author Furious Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 no you are not wrong fro feeling the way you do.What I found hardest with the affair is th econfusion i felt when he woudl get so angry with me....i would ask him fro advice about how to deal with the kids or ask him for a lift to court(wayward son) or make him a special dinner and he would get angry with me...its called transferrance but i didnt know what was happening i felt useless and confused most of the time....so i shut him out to concentrate on the kids....relied on public transport and handled everything myself so i ended up pretty sick actually then when he told me he was having an affair after i caught him out when he wasnt at work and i was minding his parents house while they were on holiday and their dog...he was in a hotel room with his new partner.....so do i think you shouldnt feel what you are feeling no way on earth should you deny your feelings....i denied mine fro a long time...have even thought a while ago abotu going back to him can you believe that for narcissism....NO MORE.....accept your feelings he did wrong not you, you have every right to feel what you are never deny what you feel, or you may forget why you should have those feelings and why he isnt right for you....then forgive him sky is the limit for you.....i wish you luck and hugs.....deb I'm so sorry for what you've been through, and I also wish you luck and peace. You derseve it. Hugs to you too deb.
GLDheart Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 The lies were a huge hit... like being hit in the face with a sledge hammer. It was similar to when they say "having your life flash before your eyes." But instead of a life and death thing, I was bombarded by all the little lies that I had accepted. Every little "huh? that was weird..." moment came into a new light. I felt like a blind fool... How could I miss it? How could I have trusted her? Did she think so little of me? I felt disgusted. Did she kiss him then kiss me too? Did she ever touch him and then come come back and touch me? Was this a thrill for her? Was it some revenge for some slight I unknowingly did to her from somewhere in our past? Mostly it was confusion. What just happened to my life? When did it start? Could I have avoided this? Where do I go from here? Yeah the whole thing was tough, but the lies are king. They are what made everything else so painful. 2
Author Furious Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 The lies were a huge hit... like being hit in the face with a sledge hammer. It was similar to when they say "having your life flash before your eyes." But instead of a life and death thing, I was bombarded by all the little lies that I had accepted. Every little "huh? that was weird..." moment came into a new light. I felt like a blind fool... How could I miss it? How could I have trusted her? Did she think so little of me? I felt disgusted. Did she kiss him then kiss me too? Did she ever touch him and then come come back and touch me? Was this a thrill for her? Was it some revenge for some slight I unknowingly did to her from somewhere in our past? Mostly it was confusion. What just happened to my life? When did it start? Could I have avoided this? Where do I go from here? Yeah the whole thing was tough, but the lies are king. They are what made everything else so painful. So true...the lies they told you with a straight face. The lies, day in day out, and the cruelty of it is like a knife to the heart. The truth hurts... but lies hurt even more. At least from the truth you can rebuild and recapture choices you were denied.
GLDheart Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 ...and the cruelty of it is like a knife to the heart.. The craziness of it is in the way they truly hide who they have become right under your nose. My ex acted like life as usual. We even had sex fairly regularly that she initiated! wtf?!? Was it all just a cover to hide the affair? Or did she want the attention of two men? After ten years together, who the hell was I now living with?!? Looking back at our last few months together, I feel like an an Alien had come down and replaced her with some twisted emotion faking body double. Where did that girl I loved go?? and when and how the hell did this happen?!? 3
GLDheart Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 It happened because when she was growing up, her parents fed her with a slingshot...... Well I gave her back to them. And I sent her home hungry. 2
Betrayed&Stayed Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 What bothers me the most about his affair was that it robbed me of my own reality and that many of the decisions I made during the time of his affair would have been different. Take that to the next level and there is an incredible imbalance of power in the marriage. That is what bothered me the most. I lived 8+ years with a false reality, and the whole time she KNEW I was living a false reality. During that time I (we) made huge life changing decisions (moves, career, kids). Looking back it is hard to know what was a genuine mutual decision or what was unilateral manipulation. 3
Author Furious Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 Take that to the next level and there is an incredible imbalance of power in the marriage. That is what bothered me the most. I lived 8+ years with a false reality, and the whole time she KNEW I was living a false reality. During that time I (we) made huge life changing decisions (moves, career, kids). Looking back it is hard to know what was a genuine mutual decision or what was unilateral manipulation. It is utter manipulation whichever way you look at it. That the person we have placed our trust and love with abused it knowingly, stealing our own choices and the right to our own destiny. 3
SoMovinOn Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Am I wrong? No. I think you're right on. I know in my case, my W had no reason to lie to me. She knew from the very beginning that I can deal with honesty, no matter how harsh the truth, but I cannot stand being lied to. She saw many examples of this over the years. Things would have turned out *so* much better for her if she had been honest with me (she's gone now, and she doesn't want to be). Certainly, that's not always the case. Someone involved in an A would be crazy to be honest with someone who'd likely, or even possibly, turn violent. ... but, in every other situation, why not just lay it on the line? 1
frozensprouts Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 No. I think you're right on. I know in my case, my W had no reason to lie to me. She knew from the very beginning that I can deal with honesty, no matter how harsh the truth, but I cannot stand being lied to. She saw many examples of this over the years. Things would have turned out *so* much better for her if she had been honest with me (she's gone now, and she doesn't want to be). Certainly, that's not always the case. Someone involved in an A would be crazy to be honest with someone who'd likely, or even possibly, turn violent. ... but, in every other situation, why not just lay it on the line? I agree. I guess i really just don't understand why honesty is so difficult.
Spark1111 Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 It is utter manipulation whichever way you look at it. That the person we have placed our trust and love with abused it knowingly, stealing our own choices and the right to our own destiny. It certainly is manipulation and selfish too! And they hurt me worse than the affair. I loved my H enough to let him go, or at least separate, attend counseling to see if we had a marriage worth saving while he explored his feelings for another and allowed me to do the same. As much as that scenario would have hurt, at least he would have maintained his integrity. Even our children told him so! And he would not have had to build the case against me to assuage his guilt. Very painful to be painted the bad guy while the halo had to sit on her head. And it was the one question he could not answer....why didn't you tell the truth? It would have been kinder than the almost two years of daily deception he and she had to perpetrate. I think lying and sneaking makes it oh so much more fun for the emotionally immature who find the rebellious, sneaky aspect a big part of the excitement and allure. Bottom line: My H would NEVER have been able to emotionally handle me dating other men! And he has said as much in therapy. That's why I always caution OW to truly examine a MM's motive for not leaving the spouse.... Cake-eating at it's finest. 4
waterwoman Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 What bothers me the most about his affair was that it robbed me of my own reality and that many of the decisions I made during the time of his affair would have been different. Totally agree! Who gave them both the right to make such a fundamental change to my marriage without my consent? I am still in the process of remembering things that I did with the kids during the affair period, usually without my H because he was so uninterested and hostile to us at the time, when he was almost certainly elsewhere calling her or texting her like a man possessed, and his head was full of her not us. 1
96nole Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 The lies were a huge hit... like being hit in the face with a sledge hammer. It was similar to when they say "having your life flash before your eyes." But instead of a life and death thing, I was bombarded by all the little lies that I had accepted. Every little "huh? that was weird..." moment came into a new light. I felt like a blind fool... How could I miss it? How could I have trusted her? Did she think so little of me? I felt disgusted. Did she kiss him then kiss me too? Did she ever touch him and then come come back and touch me? Was this a thrill for her? Was it some revenge for some slight I unknowingly did to her from somewhere in our past? Mostly it was confusion. What just happened to my life? When did it start? Could I have avoided this? Where do I go from here? Yeah the whole thing was tough, but the lies are king. They are what made everything else so painful. I don't know how many times I felt the exact same way. 3 comments you have above really rented some space in my head for a while. Did she think so little of me? Could I have avoided this? What just happened to my life?
96nole Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 The craziness of it is in the way they truly hide who they have become right under your nose. My ex acted like life as usual. We even had sex fairly regularly that she initiated! wtf?!? Was it all just a cover to hide the affair? Or did she want the attention of two men? After ten years together, who the hell was I now living with?!? Looking back at our last few months together, I feel like an an Alien had come down and replaced her with some twisted emotion faking body double. Where did that girl I loved go?? and when and how the hell did this happen?!? Many years ago, my ex didn't lie about anything. It was one of the reasons I had absolute trust and faith in her. Obviously that has changed now as she has become very skilled at lying and deceiving. A few months ago, I just happened to see a picture of her that was taken within a few years of us getting married. I just stared at it wondering what the hell happened to that person. Where did she go? I've had a few family member say that if we put everyone in the family in the same room, they thought the ex would be the last one in that room to lie and cheat. Boy were we all wrong. She had us all fooled. It's amazing at what she has become. 1
beenburned Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Furious, Thank you for starting this great thread! For years after d-day, my biggest resentment toward him was how he took all my choices away by keeping me in the dark! Like you and many others, during these years I had to make many life altering decisions about things that would control my whole future. It makes me sick to my stomach to know he influenced me not to accept many things that would have made me/ my career/ my financial future MUCH brighter!! Keeping me in the dark was all about manipulation and control, so he could configure his life exactly like he wanted it. 7
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