onthefence210 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I am a FWS. I confessed to my H. I feel his pain. I want to take all steps to help him through it? I see advice given to a BS from another BS point of view, but want to know in your situation as a BS would you have wanted from your WS? I don't see too many WS on here looking for help trying to reconcile, without being personally attacked. Is it bad of me to look at me as a person who cheated and not see a bad person? Or was I a bad person before I cheated and the cheating just proves that? Will I always be defined by my cheating because if this is the case, then why try and reconcile with me? Why would I want to reconcile believing that my H deserves better then the bad person I am? How can seeing myself as this person help my H deal with the feelings that my actions caused? So do I just accept this is who I am, or do I disagree with people who don't know me personally and come across defensive or rug sweeping or selfish or whatever it is that they think? So to all BS's out there, how do I as a WS make my marriage work after such a betrayal?
Later82012 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I am a FWS. I confessed to my H. I feel his pain. I want to take all steps to help him through it? I see advice given to a BS from another BS point of view, but want to know in your situation as a BS would you have wanted from your WS? I don't see too many WS on here looking for help trying to reconcile, without being personally attacked. Is it bad of me to look at me as a person who cheated and not see a bad person? Or was I a bad person before I cheated and the cheating just proves that? Will I always be defined by my cheating because if this is the case, then why try and reconcile with me? Why would I want to reconcile believing that my H deserves better then the bad person I am? How can seeing myself as this person help my H deal with the feelings that my actions caused? So do I just accept this is who I am, or do I disagree with people who don't know me personally and come across defensive or rug sweeping or selfish or whatever it is that they think? So to all BS's out there, how do I as a WS make my marriage work after such a betrayal? Why did you cheat? What did you think it would do to your husband once he gets to know about it before you started cheating and while cheating? Why did you confess? Is this the first time you have cheated on someone?
mercy Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I am a FWS. I confessed to my H. I feel his pain. I want to take all steps to help him through it? I see advice given to a BS from another BS point of view, but want to know in your situation as a BS would you have wanted from your WS? I don't see too many WS on here looking for help trying to reconcile, without being personally attacked. Is it bad of me to look at me as a person who cheated and not see a bad person? Or was I a bad person before I cheated and the cheating just proves that? Will I always be defined by my cheating because if this is the case, then why try and reconcile with me? Why would I want to reconcile believing that my H deserves better then the bad person I am? How can seeing myself as this person help my H deal with the feelings that my actions caused? So do I just accept this is who I am, or do I disagree with people who don't know me personally and come across defensive or rug sweeping or selfish or whatever it is that they think? So to all BS's out there, how do I as a WS make my marriage work after such a betrayal? Get in individual counseling and marriage counseling. Be an open book. If he has questions till 3am then stay up till 4am just in case he has more. Seriously the best thing we did for us is we left town. Just us and the dog. No outside influences. It was the best and worst time of my life if that makes sense. Answer every question truthfully if he asks give him truth. I don't think anything is craved more. And do it quickly, don't think about what truth you'll tell. Gaslighting someone to protect them, isn't a good thing. It hurts like hell. Don't spare his feelings. If he asks it he wants to know. Give it to him. Don't let the infidelity be a life sentence for your marriage. Don't allow it to define your marriage. Don't allow him to bully you. His pride has been hurt but there is a line. He's wounded but still a man. Give him the respect he deserves. Oh and forgive yourself so he can. Good luck. Reconciling is not for the faint of heart. 6
road Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 onthefence, Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Till the book arrives you need to rebuild your BH's trust. First step is to send a NC letter to the OM stating you never again want the OM to contact you ever again. Make cold, to the point, business like. State that the affair was wrong at that you are staying married to your BH. So it to your BH to approve it then let BH send it. Have your BH or you expose the affair to the OMW/GF and OM parents. Tell your BH that you will answer all of his questions about the affair. Be 100% truthful. Let him determine the level of detail that he will need by the questions that he asks. Be honest not brutal. It can be done. Let BH know all the ways that you an OM contacted so that BH can monitor for breaks in NC. Block OM from email, phone, FB, etc. Provide BH with access to your cell and bills, PC, internet accounts and their passwords. How close do you live to the OM? How did you meet the OM?
seren Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 tell the truth when asked, don't make assumptions that not telling will hurt. Lies hurt far more. better to have it all out in one fell swoop, than trickle truth and it come out later once healing has begun. Let the BS talk, but don't always wait for them to bring it up. Talk about how you are feeling too. Acknowledge their pain, try to understand the seemingly irrational howling at the moon behaviour and be there to pick up the pieces. If you are asked to check in or are going to be late, check in. It wasn't a deal breaker for me, but for some it is. Ask yourself why? and when asked why, be honest. Never say I don't now, if you don't know, how will the BS make sense of it. Also ask yourself why you stay and remember that. Reassure, love, make time to be together, keep A rants short, agree to a timescale otherwise you will go around in circles and achieve nothing. We are almost 5 yrs down the road and I think my H has faced up to what he did, we looked at what had gone wrong with us. he has been honest, brutally so sometimes, but it gave me choice. Informed choice is what we as BS, get taken from us with the lies of the A, truth gives us a level playing field. I gave H the, Letter to a Wayward Spouse to let him know how the gaps in the A telling made me feel. read it and you might get an understanding of the importance of truth. I hope you make it, it is hard work, but you can have a great marriage despite an A. 2
GLDheart Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 So to all BS's out there, how do I as a WS make my marriage work after such a betrayal? First it would take my ex 100% commitment to "us". Then it would take being humble and honest. It would take patience... I might be prone to some wacky mood swings. Seriously. You would be surprised the weird things that will trigger a rush of anger/sadness/etc... I wouldn't ask you to take abuse from me, but show a little patience, like: "I understand you are upset, but you are lashing out at me. I know what I did hurt you. I am here to talk. When you can calm down and speak to me right I will be waiting to talk to you in the other room." It would also take whatever time it takes. Don't ever pull crap like "it's been a month. can we get over this already?!?" And finally it would take 100% effort, 100% commitment to making an effort to show me that I matter enough to stay with me as I heal. And a 100% promise to never do it again. And then everyday for the rest of our lives together living up to those promises. In return I would then help work on whatever issues led you to feel needy, entitled, and cowardly enough to lie about it all. 2
Ninja'sHusband Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 GOod points made so far. The truth people keep harping is SOOO important. And it's messed up so badly so often by WSs. You have to rebuild trust, and the way to do that is telling the truth...not the "but I'm not cheating now!" truth...rather the "This is what happened, this is where I am now...and he contacted me yesterday" kinda truth. You need to go no contact with your former AP for life. It may be hard but it needs to be done, no checking up at tempting as it is. If they contact you, notify your H immediately. He may be snooping and will know already, you will lose so much trust if you hide that kind of thing. Be prepared for a rollercoaster of emotions. Be prepared for your H to have changing thoughts and requirements every day. This stuff makes people crazy and it takes us a while to figure out what it all means to us. Show your H love, even if he pushes you away. He needs to know that you are fighting to keep him. Be completely transparent. If he asks questions, answer honestly. If he snoops be ok with it. It will slowly stop as you prove yourself. Don't lie about anything! Maybe find the thread about "Why some people can't heal" or something like that, and read it. Lots of good stuff in there.
jnj express Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 If your H., wants to R--he will set in boundaries----as long as NOTHING IS ABUSIVE TO/TOWARD YOU, and you, yourself want to save the mge---you follow those boundaries If your H., allows you, you help him thru his triggers, thru his pain---hold him when these times occur, if he will allow you You show repentense/remorse/contriteness, you are to not lie ever again, you do all the heavy lifting, you stay NC. You find out the WHY, and YOU FIX IT----you become SELFLESS, never again to be SELFISH But always remember, you are never to take any ABUSE in going thru the R., you may get screamed at, yelled at, cussed at---it's all part of what the betrayed goes thru, and you just need to allow it to happen---if you can't handle those types of things, leave for a while, or go to another room, you should actually suffer the betrayed's tirades, a few times, but not again, and again, and again You will figure out what to do----biggest thing, and you can ask for this, but it should actually come from betrayed---is to TALK TO EACH OTHER, about everything, everyday---and never again slip into the situation where you just let things go Plan on date nights, if the betrayed allows you---spice up the mge---- On your part, no alcohol, no drugs, no GNO, no contact with men of any kind for any reason----stay off all the electronics----get into hobbies, do things your H., likes to do Basically try to get back to those days, when the two of your courted each other, and there was no one else in the world but THE TWO OF YOU
nofool4u Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 (edited) So to all BS's out there, how do I as a WS make my marriage work after such a betrayal? Simple, you start acting like a wife. Second, you stay your ass home. Consider it self imposed house arrest. Because you can't any longer be trusted in certain social settings. Yes, you will have to do things away from your husband, but unless its necessary, you should refrain from any questionable activities, and if your H can't be included in a social activity, then you refrain from it.(at least until such time as your husband has healed, and your activities away from him do not cause triggers) Because honestly, you F'd that up. It may sound extreme, but let me ask you this, do you think your betrayed H should really have to put up with you going out and doing things(for example drinks with friends) and not knowing if you are screwing around again? Edited August 21, 2012 by nofool4u
Tallblueyed Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Be an open book. If he has questions till 3am then stay up till 4am just in case he has more. Answer every question truthfully if he asks give him truth. answer all of his questions about the affair. Be 100% truthful. tell the truth when asked, don't make assumptions that not telling will hurt. Lies hurt far more. and when asked why, be honest. Never say I don't now, if you don't know, how will the BS make sense of it. truth gives us a level playing field. I gave H the, Letter to a Wayward Spouse to let him know how the gaps in the A telling made me feel. read it and you might get an understanding of the importance of truth. Link to letter: Letter to Wayward Spouse BUT the LIES are worse in the long run. The truth people keep harping is SOOO important. And it's messed up so badly so often by WSs. You have to rebuild trust, and the way to do that is telling the truth... I am forced to reconcile the emotions of my STBXWS affairs without any truth from her and it is killing me inside. The only pieces of the puzzle I get to see are the ones that I discovered while playing “private investigator”, she will not own up to one single detail that I cannot prove; and I know there are several other pieces. It is literally tearing me apart. Her wishes for reconciliation are not an option if she doesn’t give me the full truth and depths of her deception. Unfortunately, her neglect for my healing has now gotten to the point that I do not believe anything will change my mind – even if she came clean. But even still, I would be grateful to still have a complete picture in hopes that it would help me heal. If you truly want to make it work with your H, then don’t make the mistake that my STBX made. Give him the full truth, even if he doesn’t ask about a specific incident; he deserves to see the same picture.
Spark1111 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 ....and please, do not apologize and then say, BUT as any sort of justification for your actions. There is no justification for cheating. Were there issues in your marriage? Of course. There are issues in EVERY marriage. Cheating is the worst possible attempt at solving any issue within a relationship. We BSs want to know the why of it all, as an assurance that this will NEVER happen again to us if we give you a second chance. So keep digging in IC. What you thought were the reasons (your rationale)rarely turn out to be the real reason of your infidelity (your subconcious). Done properly, the journey of introspection is both painful and ultimately liberating. Expect and prepare for your spouse, if you are even given the chance, to go through all the stages of PTSD, and often they overlap. Prepare for his rollercoaster of pain, anger, denial, shock......and if you are one of the lucky ones, eventually forgiveness and acceptance. You have a lot of work to do. You cannot control what your H will decide for his future, but your future can be both stronger and filled with integrity if you do the right things starting to day.
nofool4u Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Expect and prepare for your spouse, if you are even given the chance, to go through all the stages of PTSD, and often they overlap. Prepare for his rollercoaster of pain, anger, denial, shock......and if you are one of the lucky ones, eventually forgiveness and acceptance. Exactly. H is going to be a powder keg some days, quiet the next. Its expected that he will be angry and he is entitled to it. So to onethefence, when he does get angry, you cannot go on the defensive and get mad back at him. Afterall, his anger and pain are a result of your selfishness. Take it like a woman and be patient.
BTBH Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 - Accept that it takes a lot of time: I have been working on it for 15 months and often I don't see the light at the other end of the tunnel. My wife - like you - is totally clear on wanting to stay with me, and has been extremely considerate all the way, but...well there are a lot of "but"s. - Reassure him that you know he's hurting. Believe me: you don't! (unless you have been through it yourself). He won´t (or might not) be talking to many people about his pain, at least you can simply listen, and probe gently when he looks hurt. A caress, a kiss and a few words of comfort can work wonders (albeit only temporarily) - If he looks tormented, ask him to talk about it, or better still, you start talking. You wouldn´t believe how fed up I am with myself for not being able to get over the trauma and move on, and instead drag up the same injuries all over again. Other times I feel like a chmapion for having made it so far, but still feel awkward about ruminating over things that we have talked about before. Convince him that you are not "bored" by his complaints and litanies, he´ll talk about them more easily. I talk to my psychologist every week, but the person I really want to address is my wife. - I don´t agree about giving complete access to all your e-mail, phone calls etc. He must learn to trust you, and incidentally, if I had complete access to her mail, in my "tormented" moments I'd probably think she has other accounts. However, if you sense jealousy in him, you might show him you mail (without giving him the password), or try to address it any other way. Don´t blame him for his mistrust: he suffers from it much more than you do. - Do not ask him to "make up his mind or decide once and for all". If you want a final decision, there is only one: divorce. That is final. Staying together entails a hopefully not endless series of decisions, taken continuously, every day, to try and keep trying. Right now I am not sure I will ever be able to say what I thought 2 years ago: I want to stay with you forever. What I can say is that I want to be with you now. - And reiterating on what so many have said before me: honesty. Give him every bit of information he asks for BUT with some sensible censorship. I often felt that I wanted every dirty detail, right now I think it is better not to go into the the specifics of their encounters. Incidentally, my wife has been particularly unhelpful in this respect. What I know is a general summary of the affair, plus a lot of are half truths, hints and insinuations. But I don´t think it would help me if I knew much more abot the OM. Of course your H may be different in this respect. - He might want to read some books. The ones I have read, and have helped (to varying extent) are How Can I Forgive You? - Janis A. Spring The Art of Intimacy - T.P Malone and P.T Malone (father and son) Fire in the Belly - On Being a Man - Sam Keen Women´s Infidelity - Michelle Langley The Erotic Silence of the American Wife - Dalma Heyn and some other books, that are not available in English. You could also read some of them, or others. Judging from their titles, there are a lot of books aimed at wayward spouses, trying to reconcile. 1
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