Mithel Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I've been reading "he's just not that into you" (so that I could comment on it on another forum). So let's flip this to be "she's just not that into you". So if I listen to the book then she's not into me unless she is constantly making an effort to call me and be with me. A lot of people would call that "too clingy" or "too needy". Personally I like a close relationship and I want my partner to want to be with me every day. So I do interpret any woman that isn't busting her ass to be with me as someone that just really isn't interested. Fair? Or unreasonable?
Brooklynkid Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I met a guy in April and he's been stringing me along till last week when I finally broke up with him. I was lucky if I heard from him once a week, yet he was sooooo crazy about me (that's the bs I heard from him anyway). He couldn't call me because he was too busy, which I rightfully translated into meaning, 'too busy for me.' I'm an independent girl but not hearing from someone whose supposed to care so much about me for weeks on end was too much. You're right, it's neither needy or clingy to want to hear from someone you care about.
Author Mithel Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 Good for you. I feel the book is too simplistic and such books generally aren't worth giving any thought to. But the main theme is correct. If your partner isn't wanting to be with you, making an effort to be with you and communicate with you, then they are "just not that into you". Gender doesn't matter, the concept applies to both men and women.
Got it Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Good for you. I feel the book is too simplistic and such books generally aren't worth giving any thought to. But the main theme is correct. If your partner isn't wanting to be with you, making an effort to be with you and communicate with you, then they are "just not that into you". Gender doesn't matter, the concept applies to both men and women. I agree, to me it is like a tennis match and you need equal energy volleying the ball back to your side. It is not a game that can go on long with only one player actually hitting the ball. Look at actions, not words. We all want/need different amounts of energy. It isn't wrong if what one needs is different than another, it just means they aren't a good fit. It is about finding a partner that will match skills and interest into a very satisfying tennis match. 1
Author Mithel Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 I agree, to me it is like a tennis match and you need equal energy volleying the ball back to your side. It is not a game that can go on long with only one player actually hitting the ball. Look at actions, not words. We all want/need different amounts of energy. It isn't wrong if what one needs is different than another, it just means they aren't a good fit. It is about finding a partner that will match skills and interest into a very satisfying tennis match. Beautifully stated! If the person you are "dating" isn't hitting any volleys back then you might as well call it a game and move on to the next person. It's not about the words, it's the actions. And nobody is at fault if it doesn't work, that was just not a compatible match. 1
LFH Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I've been reading "he's just not that into you" (so that I could comment on it on another forum). So let's flip this to be "she's just not that into you". So if I listen to the book then she's not into me unless she is constantly making an effort to call me and be with me. A lot of people would call that "too clingy" or "too needy". Personally I like a close relationship and I want my partner to want to be with me every day. So I do interpret any woman that isn't busting her ass to be with me as someone that just really isn't interested. Fair? Or unreasonable? Interesting question. I think that it should be noted that women have been "trained" that guys don't want to hear from us that often too... so unless you tell her you'd like to hear from her, or you are reaching out, it may be that she doesn't want to appear clingy or needy. Just a random thought as I wandered through the section.
Author Mithel Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 Interesting question. I think that it should be noted that women have been "trained" that guys don't want to hear from us that often too... so unless you tell her you'd like to hear from her, or you are reaching out, it may be that she doesn't want to appear clingy or needy. Just a random thought as I wandered through the section. I think we need to unlearn our "training" and treat each person as an individual. We each have our own styles. So I'm going to naturally end up with women that other men would classify as "needy" because I enjoy a lot of communication. I'm tempted to make judgements about those who don't want a lot of communication and I'd question whether or not they really are in quality relationships. If the other person doesn't really care if they hear from you then do they really have a strong interest in you? Likewise if you don't really want to hear from your partner a lot then are you really that interested in them? This "training" seems in my opinion, designed to support mediocre relationships. I'm not really interested in a mediocre relationship.
LFH Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I think we need to unlearn our "training" and treat each person as an individual. We each have our own styles. So I'm going to naturally end up with women that other men would classify as "needy" because I enjoy a lot of communication. I'm tempted to make judgements about those who don't want a lot of communication and I'd question whether or not they really are in quality relationships. If the other person doesn't really care if they hear from you then do they really have a strong interest in you? Likewise if you don't really want to hear from your partner a lot then are you really that interested in them? This "training" seems in my opinion, designed to support mediocre relationships. I'm not really interested in a mediocre relationship. Oh I agree with you 100%. I like and want and expect and need a lot of communication. If that makes me needy so be it, but my partner is aware of this because I spelled it out for him, and told him that while I didn't expect him to respond to not be shocked if I sent him 3 emails in an evening because I happened to be thinking of him. He grinned and said "I like email," and that let me know that he liked the attention from me as well. I was just throwing it out there because I think a lot of time we don't specify what we need or want from another person, and my magic wand,crystal ball and mind reading abilities just suck, I don't know about anyone elses.
Author Mithel Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 ...my magic wand,crystal ball and mind reading abilities just suck, I don't know about anyone elses. {laugh} A problem that plagues us all! We expect our partner's to read our minds and that is prone to failure. So we need to communicate and learn the form of communication that our partner prefers and desires. I love e-mail, I can fit it in between work all day long. I was lucky enough to have had a wife who was comfortable in e-mail and we'd e-mail each other all day long. Some women love phone conversations. I hate the phone, but I'll adapt if I know that she loves hearing my voice. So for me, if I don't call you that means nothing, but if I don't respond promptly to an email then there is either a technical problem or I'm busy or "I'm just not that into you".
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