marilla Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 please help me on this one. I am stuck and i can't move on. Help me out of this hole!!!!please everyone. I was getting to know a man and then he did something that really hurt me. At the time he showed no compassion to the point that i was shocked. I was never treated like that so i went through 2 months of no eating or sleeping. After seeing how much he hurt me he tried to help and make things better. Does that mean he has compassion after all and he deserves another chance? The details are not important here. He showed an extreme lack of compassion enough to scare the hell out of me to the point of not being able to sit with him. After seeing me crying my eyes out he tried to make things ok. But something still scares me. On the other hand he looked so remorseful!!!! I don't know what to do. Please your asnwers will be greatly appreciated. I wasn't physically abused by the way. The pain was severe and it was emotional.
TaraMaiden Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 time to raid the fridge again... i just checked your posting/thread history, girl... for a start, you use way too many exclamation marks. that's just drama. For another - you're obsessed. No, really, you are. you need to quit abdicating your life to a has-been/possible, and dedicate your days to you. you know what they say - "Don't let them live rent-free in your head". In other words, their presence in your mind, has to have purpose. this has no purpose whatsoever, and you're just running around with your foot nailed to the floor. you have to stop this - it's not worth your obsession - and you're wasting weeks - months on la-la-fantasy land.... and the chilli con carne's gone off.....
Author marilla Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 TaraMaiden hello again! thanks for your advice but i can't help myself. I have never been like this before. I try to move on and then my brain sticks on some excuse it makes for this guy and here we go again. It is like i am on a wheel going rounds and rounds and rounds. I still have feelings for him and i may still have a chance to be with him. And that is why i keep on ruminating. Do i throw this chance for a man i care or dive back in? Compassion to me is the most important quality in a person and i don't know what to make of this man at all. He puzzled me for a year. It isn't easy to forget now.. As for the fridge no, i can't eat now. this is putting me down again. I have faced 2 extremes with this man. Him treating me like **** and him begging me back. So i have extreme feelings-fear versus wanting to be with him. I don't know how to explain or what to do anymore.
TaraMaiden Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 TaraMaiden hello again! thanks for your advice but i can't help myself. I have never been like this before. I try to move on and then my brain sticks on some excuse it makes for this guy and here we go again. this is not something healthy, you know that... this obsession is like an addiction, and an addiction basically gives greater power to something outside of yourself, that you have tricked yourself into believing is something you cannot live without. I strongly suspect the active part of your brain is exactly the same part that is triggered by alcohol for alcoholics, cigarettes for smokers and *Insert drug type here* for drug addicts. Strong emotions for people are an addiction - particularly when we crave something that (a) we want, but can't have, and (b) we crave something that we know, for a fact, is actually not good for us.... It is like i am on a wheel going rounds and rounds and rounds. I still have feelings for him and i may still have a chance to be with him. And that is why i keep on ruminating. Do i throw this chance for a man i care or dive back in? Compassion to me is the most important quality in a person I fail to see what 'compassion' has to do with anything... and you forget - Compassion is like the oxygen mask in an air plane... the instructions clearly state "Always secure the mask around your face, before helping your neighbour secure theirs". in other words - compassion - like charity - begins at home. And it's not selfish. It's a life-saver. and i don't know what to make of this man at all. He puzzled me for a year. It isn't easy to forget now.. As for the fridge no, i can't eat now. this is putting me down again. I have faced 2 extremes with this man. Him treating me like **** and him begging me back. So i have extreme feelings-fear versus wanting to be with him. I don't know how to explain or what to do anymore. What notification, indication or news have you received to confirm that this man has changed his actions and behaviour for the better....? None. so, why go back to something you know has the potential to just crash all over again? This is a form of insanity, an emotional masochism, a wilful infliction of self-harm to the soul. Jeesh girl - get a grip - a bit of self-respect - oye madre!!
Author marilla Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 thanks for answer but i do have indications for him getting better. But i need to give the details. So we meet at work. He flirts and i respond zero-i mean it is a job after all. But then i fall for it. And we start to get closer but he gets hit by another woman and he drops me like a rock. I ignore him and get on with my life. After some time the flirting begins again more intensely. Since everyone deserves a second chance i go for this again. But i was not agreeing to meeting him every day and he was getting hurt. But i did fall for him badly. He must have got i had feelings but as soon as she hit again he dropped me like a rock. Then i confronted him and got lost from both of these people. Some time after he comes back saying he had feelings and trying it all to get me. I refused for 2 months. Really scared. And then i was like let's try-he insisted so much i felt sorry for him. I give in again and he drops me like a rock. I did not know why till i found out later that she changed her mind again and hit on him. And then i flipped. He said he no longer had feelings, that i treated him badly and he wanted nothing to do with me. I cut all contact from these people for 2 months. No contact at all! And then he started again. I was told he left her and another woman that really wanted him because he wanted me back. I saw him the past month he was being hit on my another woman( not that same one) but he was trying really hard not to hurt me. He wanted to know us both but this time he did not reject me. In fact he tried to ask me out but we were interrupted and i haven't heard from him since. I know he is very very shy so that could be the reason. So there.....What do you think?
TaraMaiden Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I think you need to move on. seriously - no guy deserves this much drama.
Author marilla Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 I can't do it yet. You sound strong. I wish i can be as strong as you.
TaraMaiden Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 OK, tell you what. Re-read every single one of your posts, and think to yourself: "This is how I have decided I want to carry on feeling and experiencing life, for the foreseeable future. This is how I have decided i want to feel, and i am not going to change that, because it's too much like hard work to change, it's far easier to go on like this, torturing myself, making myself crazy because that's what I have decided I am good for. And i will keep submitting threads, in the same vein, for as long as I want, asking the same questions over and over again, because insanity does that to you, and i won't be surprised if people stop talking to me, because much as i seek input, i refuse to do anything about the same old same-old." see how that works for you. Oh, and there's no milk. I drank the lot.
Author marilla Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 Sorry i think i made you tired. I am so very grateful, and i am speaking honestly, that you have tried to help me. Thanks for the effort and advice. Maybe i do sound as someone that has given up and is leading a miserable life but i haven't given up. I am exercising a lot,reading a lot, i am trying to be distracted all the time. I am just finding it very hard for now....It is like fighting oneself and that is a hard battle it seems. But i am sincerely trying.... Again i do thank you for everything... Sorry about making you drink all the milk-it seems that you lost patience with me-so sorry...Thanks though.
TaraMaiden Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 The only one with access to your thought processes - is you. the only one who can train your mind to be sensible, logical and self-preserving - is you. the only one who can move you on - is you. but you seem resigned to just , as we say here, 'lather, rinse, repeat.' you seem to believe you cannot change your own mind, and determine your own destiny. but if you look at the threads you have begun - you're stuck. You don't have to be. your own fate, is in your hands, and you can control what goers on in your mind - but as the great Henry Ford once said: 'Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't - you're right.' Progress - personal development - begins - and is all - in the mind. There are far more incredible and amazing miracles happening behind your eyes, than will ever go on in front of them. Your mind is an extraordinary tool. Use it. don't be defeated by it.
Author marilla Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 thank you so much. Training the brain to be logical! excellent point. I thought we are born with logic but training the brain to be that-that is something i never thought of. And making the brain work for me and not against me which is exactly what is going on right now-like my own brain attacking me somehow. ok i admit i have a lot to learn! Thanks again for sharing your wisdom and advice and for making an effort on me...Thank you!!!
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