El Brujo Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Let’s say you have a crystal ball and it reveals that you will never be in a relationship. You won’t have sex or date either, or if you do it will be very rarely and it won’t be with anyone who has relationship potential. Could you be OK with that? How would you handle it? (This is aimed at people who desire a relationship.) I'd write a whole book on how love is a fraud. Then I'd end my life.
mn311601 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I've always been single, wouldn't be anything different than usual.
Radu Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 (edited) Let’s say you have a crystal ball and it reveals that you will never be in a relationship. You won’t have sex or date either, or if you do it will be very rarely and it won’t be with anyone who has relationship potential. Could you be OK with that? How would you handle it? (This is aimed at people who desire a relationship.) I'd focus on getting stinking rich and start enjoying my bachelorehood. The sex part won't happen though, thanks to the oldest profession. Maybe i would adopt, if women can have families without guys, so can we. It wouldn't be that bad. I would aspire to be like this guy, who's perfectly content with giving up: File:Overweight biker.jpg - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia That guy is gay. Edited August 21, 2012 by Radu
Emilia Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I agree that we can’t predict the future with certainty, but past events are often an indicator of future events. Only if you don't have the belief in your ability to change your patterns. Anything else is just hot air.
Emilia Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 2. A divorce is better than never being married. I've been through breakups (one that was like a marriage because we lived together & our finances were tied together). I don't wish I'd never had the relationships just because we broke up. I get the sense from your posts that you are just generally unhappy with your life, maybe slightly bored with it, hence your yearning for things you have never done ie marriage and kids. It's like your viewing life as something you are not able to build yourself. I sincerely hope you don't go through divorce to discover how untrue and a bit silly your comment is. When you get married, you think it is for life, it isn't just an LTR where you rub along for years at the time. When you divorce you lose that little bit of yourself that believed in being together through thick and thin, it's a traumatic experience because it's the loss of innocence. It isn't purely about dividing your finances. Having read your threads makes me think you have absolutely no idea what you want in your life because frankly you are not prepared to go out and get it but content instead of posting and complaining here. 2
Snowman219 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I don't think the title is misleading because the elements in the post are all connected, or at least for me they are. What I meant is that you’d rarely, if ever, have the opportunity to date or sleep with anyone, which is connected to never being in a relationship (or could be). Basically, I meant, "What would you do if you knew you’d be alone forever?", meaning little to no contact with the opposite sex in an intimate or romantic way at all. Ya cause lets all have meaningless sex...I'd rather use my hand. Nothing is more meaningless than that.
TaraMaiden Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 My last relationship was pretty awful, but instead of appreciating that I'm single now, it made me want a stable, healthy relationship more than ever. I think the remaining members of LS can equate.... I don't expect the American 1950's ideal family; that's not reality. I understand that most marriages aren't perfect. I've had LTRs; I know they take work. Obviously, 'work' wasn't enough, even then.... I do not want to be a stay at mom. My career is very important to me and I've worked hard to get to where I am (though, ironically, I feel like I've worked harder to have relationships, but that hasn't happened.) I am completely able to support myself. I have a Master's degree and I've been considering a Ph.D (not sure it's the financially smart to take out loans right now). Why would you commit to having children - if you then decide to farm them out to other people to take care of, nurture, bring up and care for? I really completely fail to understand this concept. It's just me, I know - but when I had children, my ex- and I committed to me staying at home and looking after them! I know some people's circumstances change, and they are obliged due to changes in finances to take on working - but it still has to be weighed up against having to pay for childcare... but those who have a career out of choice - then to decide to have kids - and never see them...? What's the point - ?! I'm sorry, I really don't get this imbalance... I don't need or expect anyone to take care of me financially. but you're quite happy to procreate and let someone else bring your children up? WHY -?? Why do you want kids, in that case? Really - please think about that answer carefully! Just because I won't choose to take a child with health issues (who's not mine biologically) doesn't mean I don't think they deserve good homes; it's just not something I'm willing to undertake. so you think that frame of mind guarantees YOU will have a fully-healthy able-bodied child, do you....? What if....? I don't think wanting a husband and a family is that outrageous of a desire. no, it's not outrageous - but it's not something to pin all hopes of undying happiness on.... Having a family is a 100% full-time job. It's damned hard work and frankly, a thankless task. you need to take on a family's 3 young children for a week, in your own home, on your own - to see that for yourself. I'm serious.
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I don't think it would be possible for me to believe a crystal ball....I'd just ignore it and go on with life...only If my life turned around completely and all of a sudden I couldn't find a relationship no matter who I meet would I start to be a little concerned. My main concern is not being single or not being in a relationship, it's how to fit in kids into the whole dynamic. What If you don't end up married or finding someone you want to have kids with? someone that would meet your criteria as a parent as you take having children very seriously...that would be my dilemma not so much the singledom and relationship situation as I wouldn't take a crystal ball seriously. If you only want to have kids out of marriage like I think most people would...what would be the compromise if you could have only one or the other? or couldn't rely on marriage. You'd have to adjust your expectations...which could be difficult, even though there are many who have children and are divorced, I doubt they intended it that way but that is a reality.
ascendotum Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I'm unaccepting of a future life of loneliness simply because it's all I've known so far. I know things will only get worse the older I get. I seriously can't imagine being 45 and getting off work and coming home to an empty house. That would only mean that I have failed. What would be the point to living? By 45 you'll be Knackered from a hard days work, and all you'll want is to throw a meal in the microwave, plonk yourself down on the couch put your feet up on the table after pushing last few night's scraps & plates out of the way, hook your hand in your pants like Al Bundy, and crack open a stubby, and you can watch whatever you want on the box...football, porn, zombie movie, online first person shooter, with no nagging. You'll love it. and if thats not enough you can also get yourself a chihuahua or parrot.
xxoo Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Having a family is a 100% full-time job. It's damned hard work and frankly, a thankless task. This is true, although also immensely rewarding, ime. iris, I could be the mirror image of you. My focus has been marriage and kids, at the cost of my career. I've worked, but my work has always taken a second place to my family responsibilities. Contrary to the story we've been sold--we can't have it all. Few, if any, can be highly successful at career, marriage, and parenting all at the same time. Something's got to give. Objectively, what would you choose to take a hit? 1
TaraMaiden Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 This is true, although also immensely rewarding, ime. It's true, I don't dispute that - but it's sad to note that united happy families tend to be an exception and a refreshing breath of air.... I know both kinds... and sadly, the ones with some kind of problem - be it with the kids, the spouses, finances, work, extended families - tend to be in the majority.... especially with the high number of divorces.... and even those families which 'stay together' there are problematic issues.... Every family hits a wall at some point - and some, don't 'get over it'..... 1
xxoo Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 It's true, I don't dispute that - but it's sad to note that united happy families tend to be an exception and a refreshing breath of air.... I know both kinds... and sadly, the ones with some kind of problem - be it with the kids, the spouses, finances, work, extended families - tend to be in the majority.... especially with the high number of divorces.... and even those families which 'stay together' there are problematic issues.... Every family hits a wall at some point - and some, don't 'get over it'..... Yes, the demands are great, and something's got to take a hit. In our family, we objectively chose career/finances to be a lower priority. It was a conscious sacrifice, with very real consequences. We have always been on the same page--never second guessing that choice, and never blaming each other when money has been tight--so it has worked for us. It helps to be mindfully grateful for what we chose, and what we have--rather than focus on what we did not choose and do not have. 2
sandflea Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Hmm. Well, I was married for 10 years, and engaged (3 years ago) - but called it off. So, single for the rest of this run might not be so bad. I never had kids - so my inner child is my only concern. I know plenty of single people who are very happy and loving life. Like most things - it comes down to attitude.
Radu Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 This is true, although also immensely rewarding, ime. iris, I could be the mirror image of you. My focus has been marriage and kids, at the cost of my career. I've worked, but my work has always taken a second place to my family responsibilities. Contrary to the story we've been sold--we can't have it all. Few, if any, can be highly successful at career, marriage, and parenting all at the same time. Something's got to give. Objectively, what would you choose to take a hit? Hope i don't start a gender war. I've heard this argument before, it came from feminists who realised that 'you can be all' was just a polished up lie. Later i read a very interesting essay about the one thing that we all have equal in our lives, no matter of what are status was when we were born. Time, it's a constant, 24hs a day is all we have.
Jethro Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I don't believe in crystal balls. I guess I am lucky enough to believe that if I want something bad enough, and work hard enough for it, I will get what I want. It's an amazing thing- actually working hard to get a result. Seems it's a dying art in the world today.
Big Blue Box Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Let’s say you have a crystal ball and it reveals that you will never be in a relationship. You won’t have sex or date either, or if you do it will be very rarely and it won’t be with anyone who has relationship potential. Could you be OK with that? How would you handle it? (This is aimed at people who desire a relationship.) I would be perfectly content with being permanently single. There are no rules saying or implying anyone must be in a relationship to be happy or content with life.
RedRobin Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 (edited) Contrary to the story we've been sold--we can't have it all. Few, if any, can be highly successful at career, marriage, and parenting all at the same time. Something's got to give. Objectively, what would you choose to take a hit? I'd ask the men the same question. Apparently lots of men are 'having it all'... kids, marriage, AND career... and noone bats an eyelash. Not only that, they take it for granted... it is only women who are expected to do any juggling... F that. ... but to answer the question... Knowing I'd be permanently single (rather than just wondering and flailing about continuing to keep trying) would be somewhat satisfying... in that one's energy is spent elsewhere. I'm pretty much in that state right now. I can't say I really try anymore... but I'm not a lump sitting at home either. Just returned from my trip to Martha's Vineyard and met lots of great people... am returning in a few weeks to help out with a triathalon... and just test drove a Suzuki GSXR 600 today (hmmm... should I spring for the 750??). Anyway, lots to do and see... Edited August 21, 2012 by RedRobin
xxoo Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 (edited) I'd ask the men the same question. Apparently lots of men are 'having it all'... kids, marriage, AND career... and noone bats an eyelash. Not only that, they take it for granted... it is only women who are expected to do any juggling... F that. Yes, but that's part of the the myth. Men can't have it all, either. They also have to choose between big career, closely parenting their children, and/or strong marriage. The only difference may be that traditionally there were lower expectations and desires in parenting for fathers (mostly about providing) than for mothers. That is their sacrifice to make, but it is a sacrifice still. Women can make the same sacrifice, if they wish. Edited August 21, 2012 by xxoo
somedude81 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Yes, but that's part of the the myth. Men can't have it all, either. They also have to choose between big career, closely parenting their children, and/or strong marriage. The only difference may be that traditionally there were lower expectations and desires in parenting for fathers (mostly about providing) than for mothers. That is their sacrifice to make, but it is a sacrifice still. Women can make the same sacrifice, if they wish. Exactly, it applies to both genders. Though it is more common for men to try and have it all. And that's simply because the women can pick up their slack. But if a woman puts a lot of time into her career, who is going to be there for the kids?
Radu Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I'd ask the men the same question. Apparently lots of men are 'having it all'... kids, marriage, AND career... and noone bats an eyelash. Not only that, they take it for granted... it is only women who are expected to do any juggling... 24hs ... you can't have it all. Exactly, it applies to both genders. Though it is more common for men to try and have it all. And that's simply because the women can pick up their slack. But if a woman puts a lot of time into her career, who is going to be there for the kids? There are Stay At Home Dads.
paperboy48 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Let’s say you have a crystal ball and it reveals that you will never be in a relationship. You won’t have sex or date either, or if you do it will be very rarely and it won’t be with anyone who has relationship potential. Iris - Why do you think you there is a chance you will be alone forever? I'd be content with just making music, money and watching football That's BS.... In my late 30's.. a year or so after my divorce I fell upon the comfortable realization that I would be alone from then on. I had built a wonderful lifestyle that revolved around me and being alone.. dog.. cabin in the real mountains.. tons of work and many many projects that last months on end to keep me busy at home... I did occasionally date and did have an OLD account active but like I said.. being alone was something that I truly enjoyed and looked forward to.. Then.... I met my now wife... that was a game changer... Now in my late 40's I'm married and have a wonderful little boy who is looking at turning 5 in March... It's been tough at times.. my wife doesn't like the utter silence of the cabin and we don't go there as much as I'd like.. but life goes on... Sometimes we never know what is in store for us... Why did you think you were doomed to be alone forever? Did you think you were not marketable to the opposite sex? I was devestated and suicidal when I was much younger, now though at the age of 36, I've come to accept it, and the prospect doesn't really bother me. Same Question: why do you think you will be alone forever?
xxoo Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Exactly, it applies to both genders. Though it is more common for men to try and have it all. And that's simply because the women can pick up their slack. But if a woman puts a lot of time into her career, who is going to be there for the kids? How are men having "it all" when they are delegating the parenting to the mother? Parenting is like everything else; you personally get out of it what you personally put into it. When a woman puts a lot of time into her career, the partner can be there for the kids (taking a hit to their career). Or, if both are career driven, the parenting is largely hired out in nannies, daycare, boarding school, etc. Or sometimes they run themselves ragged using all free time for the kids, and the marriage suffers. I'm sure there are some exceptions, but I don't know any personally.
RedRobin Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Yes, but that's part of the the myth. Men can't have it all, either. They also have to choose between big career, closely parenting their children, and/or strong marriage. The only difference may be that traditionally there were lower expectations and desires in parenting for fathers (mostly about providing) than for mothers. That is their sacrifice to make, but it is a sacrifice still. Women can make the same sacrifice, if they wish. Yea, but the men aren't going to be made to feel like evil, child neglecting demons if they wish to do both... (witness some of the posts on this thread). Far from it... He is some kind of noble provider blah blah... but really all he's got is live in help... Gotta love it when they throw the mistress into the mix too once he's got 'mommy' at home and dependent on his paycheck. Sorry... I work around all men, so I've seen alot of shyte. There are alot of great men/fathers too. Still... even with the best guys... I don't see too many of them really stepping up to fully co-parent though. One of the biggest reasons I chose not to have kids... I refused to do it all myself and wasn't going to be a career/life casualty so my ex-H could have his nice little family dreams (that he chose to spring on me AFTER we were married)
RedRobin Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 How are men having "it all" when they are delegating the parenting to the mother? They delegate the crappy stuff (literally) to the mom and save their chosen parenting hours for 'fun-time-dad' activities that the dad enjoys... That is how they are 'having it all'... Usually...
somedude81 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Let me ask this. Who usually wants to have kids?
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