Author iris219 Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 Interesting. now we're getting somewhere... Why is this what you 'most desire'...? Is this your highest ambition? Why do you believe that 'most of us are "built" to live and share our lives with a partner? Where did you learn this? Why have you accepted it as desirable? why do you feel something would be 'missing'. What, exactly? Do you think it's wise to consider having children outside of a relationship? Would you consider adopting, if you didn't have a relationship? Why do you consider it wise or desirable to have children at all? Why do you want children? I'm not attacking you or criticising... I'm getting you to examine your statements, and evaluate their logic. because a couple don't make sense to me at all.... I don’t think most humans were meant to go it alone. We are meant to share our lives with another person. I very much desire to love and be loved by another. At this point in my life I want a husband and children more than anything. This used to just be one of my ambitions. Now, it is my highest ambition because I have everything else I want. I would consider adopting, but it’s very hard and very expensive to adopt healthy infants (which is what I’d want). I would like to give a child a two parent family; that would be ideal, so I'm still undecided about whether or not to have children on my own. TM, what have I said that doesn't make sense?
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I think it takes a really bad long term relationship to be able to fully appreciate being single. At least it was this way for me. As for dating and sex, I think it's always an option for anyone. Also for me, I can enjoy my own company for days on end, doing my own thing. It takes a really, really special person to make me prefer their company to my own. I am not built like most people, to absolutely need a companionship. I would go as far as to say that if society and parents didn't put pressure on me, I would be content with never getting married. 4
xxoo Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I would consider adopting, but it’s very hard and very expensive to adopt healthy infants (which is what I’d want). I would like to give a child a two parent family; that would be ideal, so I'm still undecided about whether or not to have children on my own. If adopting becomes a pressing ambition for you, it might be a good idea to spend some time with kids who need families. You might fall in love with a child and just know that you belong together. Babies aren't great company, anyway
somedude81 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Most people want a relationship, but not everyone gets one. For many people, coming home to an empty house is a reality. They still manage to be happy and lead productive lives. Who are you trying to convince here? Me, or you?
confused_woman1 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I've contemplated this before. I used to really want a family, and I still do. The prospect of being single for the rest of my life is not scary though. It's something that I can still welcome because I realize that there are other relationships and opportunities available only to someone who is single, and those can be just as fulfilling, if not moreso, than being in a romantic relationship.
TaraMaiden Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I don’t think most humans were meant to go it alone. We are meant to share our lives with another person. I very much desire to love and be loved by another. At this point in my life I want a husband and children more than anything. This used to just be one of my ambitions. Now, it is my highest ambition because I have everything else I want. I would consider adopting, but it’s very hard and very expensive to adopt healthy infants (which is what I’d want). I would like to give a child a two parent family; that would be ideal, so I'm still undecided about whether or not to have children on my own. TM, what have I said that doesn't make sense? Basically, you're striving for a "Brady bunch" ideal which in real life is as rare as hen's teeth. Either in marriage or regarding children, there are no guarantees. 50% of marriages end in divorce. And statistically, many that don't have serious issues, dusfunctional relationships and marital problems.... You sound like you want a guy who earns enough to enable you to be a stay at home mum. will his earnings carry on? What if he loses his job? Do you have credentials or qualifications for a career, should you need to work? What happens if you meet Mr Absolutely Perfect - and he decides he doesn't want kids? Who can guarantee either of you will be able to have kids? What would you do if either you or your husband suffered a crippling injury? and even having kids doesn't guarantee they'll be healthy... Most couples are compelled by circumstances, to work - which means paying for a childminder - which means one of you giving up a sizeable portion of your salary to pay someone to look after your kids... Have you any idea how much it costs to bring up a child until they're 18? And as for adoption - this worries me - I would consider adopting, but it’s very hard and very expensive to adopt healthy infants (which is what I’d want). why would you not consider a child with health issues? Don't they deserve a loving, stable home and happiness? by the way - having worked in Relationships counselling - the above are all questions posed to engaged couples wishing to get married in church, during a pre-marriage/counselling weekend Workshop. so I'm not being deliberately obstructive or antagonistic.... i swear if most people who have had kids, knew it was going to be so hard, many of them would have remained childless... it's easily the hardest job on the planet, unpaid and thankless.... 2
Pompom Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 If you don't want to be single but out there and be more proactive. If you want something than take the steps to accomplish it. I'm on it, but I feel like I've exhausted most tactics but dancing drunk in mini skirts and rape.
TaraMaiden Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 We have several members on this forum who have experienced rape - so your comment is rather crass.... I get the feeling your young mouth runs away with you sometimes... it pays to think a minute before submitting a post of that kind.... Really, that's heartfelt advice. 1
Art_Critic Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 In my late 30's.. a year or so after my divorce I fell upon the comfortable realization that I would be alone from then on. I had built a wonderful lifestyle that revolved around me and being alone.. dog.. cabin in the real mountains.. tons of work and many many projects that last months on end to keep me busy at home... I did occasionally date and did have an OLD account active but like I said.. being alone was something that I truly enjoyed and looked forward to.. Then.... I met my now wife... that was a game changer... Now in my late 40's I'm married and have a wonderful little boy who is looking at turning 5 in March... It's been tough at times.. my wife doesn't like the utter silence of the cabin and we don't go there as much as I'd like.. but life goes on... Sometimes we never know what is in store for us... 5
Author iris219 Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 I think it takes a really bad long term relationship to be able to fully appreciate being single. At least it was this way for me. As for dating and sex, I think it's always an option for anyone. Also for me, I can enjoy my own company for days on end, doing my own thing. It takes a really, really special person to make me prefer their company to my own. I am not built like most people, to absolutely need a companionship. I would go as far as to say that if society and parents didn't put pressure on me, I would be content with never getting married. My last relationship was pretty awful, but instead of appreciating that I'm single now, it made me want a stable, healthy relationship more than ever. My only dating/sex options right now would be with married men or men who are way too young or way too old. These don't even count as options. Basically, you're striving for a "Brady bunch" ideal which in real life is as rare as hen's teeth. Either in marriage or regarding children, there are no guarantees. 50% of marriages end in divorce. And statistically, many that don't have serious issues, dusfunctional relationships and marital problems.... You sound like you want a guy who earns enough to enable you to be a stay at home mum. will his earnings carry on? What if he loses his job? Do you have credentials or qualifications for a career, should you need to work? What happens if you meet Mr Absolutely Perfect - and he decides he doesn't want kids? Who can guarantee either of you will be able to have kids? What would you do if either you or your husband suffered a crippling injury? and even having kids doesn't guarantee they'll be healthy... Most couples are compelled by circumstances, to work - which means paying for a childminder - which means one of you giving up a sizeable portion of your salary to pay someone to look after your kids... Have you any idea how much it costs to bring up a child until they're 18? And as for adoption - this worries me - why would you not consider a child with health issues? Don't they deserve a loving, stable home and happiness? by the way - having worked in Relationships counselling - the above are all questions posed to engaged couples wishing to get married in church, during a pre-marriage/counselling weekend Workshop. so I'm not being deliberately obstructive or antagonistic.... i swear if most people who have had kids, knew it was going to be so hard, many of them would have remained childless... it's easily the hardest job on the planet, unpaid and thankless.... I don't expect the American 1950's ideal family; that's not reality. I understand that most marriages aren't perfect. I've had LTRs; I know they take work. I do not want to be a stay at mom. My career is very important to me and I've worked hard to get to where I am (though, ironically, I feel like I've worked harder to have relationships, but that hasn't happened.) I am completely able to support myself. I have a Master's degree and I've been considering a Ph.D (not sure it's the financially smart to take out loans right now). I don't need or expect anyone to take care of me financially. Just because I won't choose to take a child with health issues (who's not mine biologically) doesn't mean I don't think they deserve good homes; it's just not something I'm willing to undertake. I don't think wanting a husband and a family is that outrageous of a desire.
Author iris219 Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 I have a friend who adopted in her late 30s, and then found love and marriage afterward (married this year, in her 40s). Even if she had not found the guy, she made a full life for herself by adopting children. Most of my single friends at least have a pet to come home to. Some live with family members. Single doesn't have to mean living alone. Did she foster first? Do you know how difficult the adoption process was for her? Who are you trying to convince here? Me, or you? Both. Many people are alone, so I assume they manage to be happy. We just have to figure out what they are doing to be happy and do it. In my late 30's.. a year or so after my divorce I fell upon the comfortable realization that I would be alone from then on. I had built a wonderful lifestyle that revolved around me and being alone.. dog.. cabin in the real mountains.. tons of work and many many projects that last months on end to keep me busy at home... I did occasionally date and did have an OLD account active but like I said.. being alone was something that I truly enjoyed and looked forward to.. Then.... I met my now wife... that was a game changer... Now in my late 40's I'm married and have a wonderful little boy who is looking at turning 5 in March... It's been tough at times.. my wife doesn't like the utter silence of the cabin and we don't go there as much as I'd like.. but life goes on... Sometimes we never know what is in store for us... But you had already been married and you say you were comfortable being alone. I've never had the opportunity to be married and I'm not comfortable being alone forever. Though I would find ways to make the best of it, my life would always be lacking. I see your point about not knowing what's in store for us, but I don't think the universe means me well...
Bristolius Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I see your point about not knowing what's in store for us, but I don't think the universe means me well... The universe can't be plotting against you, it's too busy messing with me. 1
Ross MwcFan Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I was devestated and suicidal when I was much younger, now though at the age of 36, I've come to accept it, and the prospect doesn't really bother me. Heck, having sex doesn't even seem like it'd be that great anymore. 1
grkBoy Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Let’s say you have a crystal ball and it reveals that you will never be in a relationship. You won’t have sex or date either, or if you do it will be very rarely and it won’t be with anyone who has relationship potential. Could you be OK with that? How would you handle it? (This is aimed at people who desire a relationship.) I've been there. Several years before I met my fiancee. I was burned out, frustrated, and bitter at the fact another girl started off liking me a lot, then flaked out and ran. I grew tired of it all and finally asked myself "if every time I date, I end up alone, miserable and burned...why do I keep doing it?" My first response in my head was "because I want to find Ms Right, fall in love, etc." Then I asked the harder question..."what if you are meant to be alone? what if you woke up and God came out of the sky and said "sorry...I have no one for you. You are to grow old and die alone.'" Yeah...sounds depressing, but then I thought about a life where one isn't bound to the hassles of dating, relationships, etc. I was watching friends already dealing in drama of dating, and I thought about it this way... Can you imagine a life without having to pay for a wedding?Can you imagine a divorce you'll never deal with?Can you imagine no nagging wife, or worse a nagging wife who blimps out and chops her hair off?Can you imagine no kids sucking up your time and money?Can you imagine the freedom to do whatever you want for the rest of your life? I know some of this sounds mean or even "selfish", but it helped me to stop imagining a life of depression and loneliness. I didn't picture myself as some old fart hating the world and watching TV all day. I instead imagined walking the streets of Italy, sipping a cappuccino in a little cafe, going to look at art, or learning to cook something amazing from an expert. I imagined traveling, working harder to push my career, doing things, living life. I even imagined my married friends who had kids all jealous that I'm out doing stuff while they go day by day wondering how to pay the bills. Most importantly, I felt FREE. Free of the pressures to be a certain height, weight, look, financial standing, cocky confidence, etc. Why not? I don't have to go hit on women anymore or deal with them. NOW...I didn't become a misogynist. I didn't hate women...I simply stopped taking them seriously when it came to dating. I took solace in my friends, and just became much much happier. Meeting my fiance was just plain luck, but I know if I had not, I'd simply be living that life I described. I'd travel alone and just enjoy it all. 5
oaks Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I would handle it the same way as I handle knowing that I won't win the lottery. Iris, you need to move house (and leave the crystal ball behind). When are you coming to London?
runningfar Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Let’s say you have a crystal ball and it reveals that you will never be in a relationship. You won’t have sex or date either, or if you do it will be very rarely and it won’t be with anyone who has relationship potential. Could you be OK with that? How would you handle it? (This is aimed at people who desire a relationship.) Disappointed but relieved... Not knowing is the worst part. While I would like a relationship, I am pleased with myself and would like to know there is no point in stressing over it and I should just go forward with plans to be by myself forever. 1
runningfar Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Disappointed but relieved... Not knowing is the worst part. While I would like a relationship, I am pleased with myself and would like to know there is no point in stressing over it and I should just go forward with plans to be by myself forever. To be clear, the relief wouldn't be at no relationship. I could merely accept that. The relief would be knowing now vs my deathbed!
SunandMoon Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I've sort of lived this, well okay I've had 3 relationships, but nothing worth mentioning as they were extremely short. Honestly, if I found out I'd never have another relationship I'd be as selfish as I can be. XD And have one helluva porn collection. I would probably be a bit depressed, however. Keep away from being bitter/jealous and enjoy my free time. And if there never is anything = there is nothing to screw up, which is one of my biggest fears, so some good. I'd be okay-ish, so long as I don't let depression take root real bad. I'm to my self a lot anyways.
Tea Leaf Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 *shrug* Trying to be in a relationship is going pretty poorly. If I knew it wasn't going to pay off, at least I could focus on other things with a clear conscience.
ForgetMeNots Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I'd feel the need to hang out more with friends and occupy my time with work and my hobbies. I can please myself when it comes to cravings, so all n all, I am very self effiecient anyways. Sometimes I'd get lonely but those feeling would just come and go,so I'll be okay. Not end of the world if I am forever single,cause I'd know I am not technically alone as long as I got family and friends.
Author iris219 Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 I've been there. Several years before I met my fiancee. I was burned out, frustrated, and bitter at the fact another girl started off liking me a lot, then flaked out and ran. I grew tired of it all and finally asked myself "if every time I date, I end up alone, miserable and burned...why do I keep doing it?" My first response in my head was "because I want to find Ms Right, fall in love, etc." Then I asked the harder question..."what if you are meant to be alone? what if you woke up and God came out of the sky and said "sorry...I have no one for you. You are to grow old and die alone.'" Yeah...sounds depressing, but then I thought about a life where one isn't bound to the hassles of dating, relationships, etc. I was watching friends already dealing in drama of dating, and I thought about it this way... Can you imagine a life without having to pay for a wedding?Can you imagine a divorce you'll never deal with?Can you imagine no nagging wife, or worse a nagging wife who blimps out and chops her hair off?Can you imagine no kids sucking up your time and money?Can you imagine the freedom to do whatever you want for the rest of your life? I know some of this sounds mean or even "selfish", but it helped me to stop imagining a life of depression and loneliness. I didn't picture myself as some old fart hating the world and watching TV all day. I instead imagined walking the streets of Italy, sipping a cappuccino in a little cafe, going to look at art, or learning to cook something amazing from an expert. I imagined traveling, working harder to push my career, doing things, living life. I even imagined my married friends who had kids all jealous that I'm out doing stuff while they go day by day wondering how to pay the bills. Most importantly, I felt FREE. Free of the pressures to be a certain height, weight, look, financial standing, cocky confidence, etc. Why not? I don't have to go hit on women anymore or deal with them. NOW...I didn't become a misogynist. I didn't hate women...I simply stopped taking them seriously when it came to dating. I took solace in my friends, and just became much much happier. Meeting my fiance was just plain luck, but I know if I had not, I'd simply be living that life I described. I'd travel alone and just enjoy it all. You had a great outlook. Unfortunately, I don't feel the freedom you felt. I feel trapped in a life that's not entirely fulfilling. 1. I don't want a wedding. 2. A divorce is better than never being married. I've been through breakups (one that was like a marriage because we lived together & our finances were tied together). I don't wish I'd never had the relationships just because we broke up. 3. Always a concern, but still better than being alone. I had an ex gain weight while we were together and it didn't bother me. 4. Kids are worth it. 5. I don't want to do things alone. I force myself to try and have fun/be happy on my own, but I doing things alone or even with friends isn't the same as doing them with a SO. Some people are relationship oriented people and are at their best when in a relationship. Disappointed but relieved... Not knowing is the worst part. While I would like a relationship, I am pleased with myself and would like to know there is no point in stressing over it and I should just go forward with plans to be by myself forever. I agree. I'd just like to know, so I can give up completely and stop thinking about finding love. I would handle it the same way as I handle knowing that I won't win the lottery. Iris, you need to move house (and leave the crystal ball behind). When are you coming to London? Maybe soon. I got a passport last year that I haven't used yet.
MaxNoob Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 It wouldn't be that bad. I would aspire to be like this guy, who's perfectly content with giving up: File:Overweight biker.jpg - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
oaks Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Maybe soon. I got a passport last year that I haven't used yet. Yay! Come on over.
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