Guilt is killing me...

[GLDheart]

Why is this so hard?

 

- Honesty builds intimacy.

- Lies and secrets plant seeds of mistrust.

 

OP, Pick your path.

[Sadwife37]

After reading all the posts here, my two cents is this: If your wife EVER finds out about this event and it is not from you telling her about it in an honest timely way, she will know above everything else that you lied to her and are okay lying to her. Think about that. My H had a real full blown affair and the most difficult aspect is knowing he could look me in the eye and lie. Day after day, lie to me. Now I have to doubt everything. From a BW, that event is harmless. Tell your wife so she will believe it really was harmless and she will know you won't lie to her. If she hears about it later she will doubt you and your honesty and she will wonder if more happened than just the kiss. I know I would wonder and doubt. After all, why wouldn't you tell her about it if it was nothing to hide? Avoid all the possible problems and future hurt by telling her yourself. Show your W she can trust you by telling her the truth.

[oldshirt]

Good Lord..Ron, quickly run and get off this forum. You made a mistake and have realized it..learn and move on. Do not let the bitter, betrayed ones here talk you into burning down your marriage just so you can join them in misery. There is no absolute, one size fits all, type of answer for what you have done. Many couples have gone to their grave with bigger secrets than kissing some girl in a bar, and have lived out their lives happily ever after.You have to do what works for your marriage. If I were you, I would ask what the objective is...if you are determined to stay in your marriage and remain committed, then don't say a word...if you want out, then get out.

 

I agree.

 

 

This was not an affair. It was not a sexual encounter.

 

More importantly there is nothing to indicate it is a sign or symptom of a bigger issue or of any neglect or dissatisfaction in the marriage. There is nothing indicating that Ron74 is dissatisfied with his marriage or that anything is pulling at his heartstrings or his balls urging him to stray.

 

He was out hoot'n and holler'n with some friends and an attractive gal got a little frisky with him and he got a little taken in by it for a few seconds then regained his composure and took care of business.

 

Here is what I think people are really afraid of way deep down. The thing that makes people real uneasy is that way deep down inside of ALL of us (that's right, every single last one of us) is a horny monster that is straining to get out of it's cage and every last one of us is a bit intrigued by the dark side and each one of us (including our own spouse) is vulnerable to some level of temptation.

 

We want to believe that we satisfy our partners so 100%ly that they wouldn't even think of being attracted or tempted to engage another person. We want to believe that we ourselves are so above temptation that something like this would never happen to us and we'd never even slightly wonder what the lips of an attractive 22 year old would feel like......BUT WE ALL DO.

 

We want to beleive that there is a "cure" and a "fix" for this and so we tell ourselves that we must be "honest" and disclose our shortcomings to our spouse so that we can "address the issues"

 

Well here is the "issue" people - WE ARE ALL HUMAN!!!! We all have desires, we all have feelings, we all have urges and cravings and we all deeply crave someone else desiring us. We can't help it. we can't fix it and we can't make it go away. It's hardwired into our DNA.

 

Every single last one of us is going to face some form of temptation and some form of titilation at some point in our married lives. Trying to make this out to sound like some kind of adbomination and some kind of aberrancy is all an attempt to medicate our psyches into thinking this is something bad that needs to be amended for. But it really can't be cured and it can't be rectified because it's part of being human.

 

He didn't bone this chick, he didn't stray on his spouse, he didn't bring home any STDs. He momentarily got taken in by an attractive, seemingly available female and he enjoyed her embrace for a matter of moments then walked away and went home to his wife.

 

Sure he can tell her about that 20 seconds of his life and potentially cause more harm that what the 20 seconds did.

 

She ain't gonna find out about it from other people because IT WAS A NONEVENT!

 

The only thing making it an event is his own guilt because HE ENJOYED IT FOR 19 OF THOSE SECONDS. Guess what, getting kissed by a 22 year old IS enjoyable!! He's human, he responded the way humans respond to sexual advances by those they find attractive and he did the right thing.

 

The sexual battlefield is not a neat and clean and tidy place. If you are seeking a world where there isn't temptation, or competition or hurt feelings or anxiety and where everyone lives happily ever after without any dirty linen then you are going to very frustrated and embittered for a long time cause that ain't the real world.

[oldshirt]

And just for the record, if this had been me I would have told my wife all about it the moment I came through the door that night.

 

If some little 22 year old thingy had been making googlely eyes at me and waited outside the bathroom and layed a kiss on me I would have grabbed her @$$, pulled her t!ts into my chest and crambed my tongue down her throat and would have pushed up against the wall and would have pelvic-ground her untill she was dripping down her legs and then I would have broke it off and said if she wanted to finish what she started that she could come home with me so my wife could enjoy her too.

 

Assuming she would have felt like the @$$ she was and declined the offer, I would have told my wife about it when I got home and we would have both had a good laugh over it.

 

that is the kind of relationship my wife and I have. But that is not the relationship Ron74 has with his. Only he can determine if it will be better for his wife and his marriage to disclose this or whether it will be better for his wife and his marriage if he carries this burdon on his own back and takes it to his grave with him.

[oldshirt]

 

Assuming she would have felt like the @$$ she was and declined the offer, I would have told my wife about it when I got home and we would have both had a good laugh over it.

 

 

And one last thing. I'd bet my last dollar this little vixen had no intention of actually banging him or of having an affair with him or had any delusions of being in love with him or of him leaving his wife for her in any way, shape or form.

 

I'd bet the farm she was just getting off on getting some attention from some married guy with a preggo wife and was just getting her own kicks by getting him worked up and walking around with a stiffy.

 

She was playing with him and putting him through all this for her own amuzement and ego.

 

Ron's wife probably already knows that because she probably pulled the same $h!t when she was 22.

 

Him coming to her and telling about his dallience with tears in his eyes and begging for forgiveness is just going to make him look like a schlepp and some gullable weiner.

 

Telling her about this incident is not going to foster some deep reconcilation or address any "issues" in their marraige because there is no issues in their marriage. He just got played by a hussy and enjoyed it for a few seconds.

 

If he tells her all that with tears in her eyes and riddled with guilt she is just going to lose respect for him and it's not going to gain anything positive out of it.

[woinlove]

 

Here is what I think people are really afraid of way deep down. The thing that makes people real uneasy is that way deep down inside of ALL of us (that's right, every single last one of us) is a horny monster that is straining to get out of it's cage and every last one of us is a bit intrigued by the dark side and each one of us (including our own spouse) is vulnerable to some level of temptation.

 

We want to believe that we satisfy our partners so 100%ly that they wouldn't even think of being attracted or tempted to engage another person. We want to believe that we ourselves are so above temptation that something like this would never happen to us and we'd never even slightly wonder what the lips of an attractive 22 year old would feel like......BUT WE ALL DO.

 

We want to beleive that there is a "cure" and a "fix" for this and so we tell ourselves that we must be "honest" and disclose our shortcomings to our spouse so that we can "address the issues"

 

Not even close. My H and I tell each other about our attractions and desires. I like a lot of openness and intimacy in my M and it works very well for us. I think many, but not all, are happier in intimate marriages. I think many W, but not all, would be unhappy discovering their H hid this kind of encounter from them and didn't discuss it. I think only ron might know what kind of M he has and what kind he wants, what his W wants. If he does know. He should base his decision on what he knows about his W and himself and their desires.

[stillafool]

Good grief, are 22 year olds that desperate these days? Not that you're an old geezer or anything OP, it's just that she approached you both times for a kiss. Really? What are people teaching their daughters these days?

[oldshirt]

 

I think only ron might know what kind of M he has and what kind he wants, what his W wants. If he does know. He should base his decision on what he knows about his W and himself and their desires.

 

This is what several of us have been saying right from the git-go.

[oldshirt]

Good grief, are 22 year olds that desperate these days? Not that you're an old geezer or anything OP, it's just that she approached you both times for a kiss. Really? What are people teaching their daughters these days?

 

 

See my post three posts up where I talk about her playing him.

 

Happens all the time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(doesn't really happen to me all that much though...dammit!! LOL )

[woinlove]

This is what several of us have been saying right from the git-go.

 

Okay, just the post you agreed with said if he wanted to stay married he should keep his mouth shut. I would argue not if he and/or his W want a close, intimate M where sexual feelings are discussed openly.

[woinlove]

And one last thing. I'd bet my last dollar this little vixen had no intention of actually banging him or of having an affair with him or had any delusions of being in love with him or of him leaving his wife for her in any way, shape or form.

 

I'd bet the farm she was just getting off on getting some attention from some married guy with a preggo wife and was just getting her own kicks by getting him worked up and walking around with a stiffy.

 

She was playing with him and putting him through all this for her own amuzement and ego.

 

Ron's wife probably already knows that because she probably pulled the same $h!t when she was 22.

 

Him coming to her and telling about his dallience with tears in his eyes and begging for forgiveness is just going to make him look like a schlepp and some gullable weiner.

 

Telling her about this incident is not going to foster some deep reconcilation or address any "issues" in their marraige because there is no issues in their marriage. He just got played by a hussy and enjoyed it for a few seconds.

 

If he tells her all that with tears in her eyes and riddled with guilt she is just going to lose respect for him and it's not going to gain anything positive out of it.

 

If he tells his wife, he should do it in a sincere way and not put on some fake show. Whatever his feelings are, he should allow his W to see them. Otherwise what is the point of even attempting to have an honest, open, intimate M? If this whole thing makes him cry, then his W should see that. If it doesn't, she shouldn't. I think people should allow their spouse to know the real them, not some fake persona.

Edited August 20, 2012 by woinlove

[Tallblueyed]

Very interesting topic.

 

I have to admit that I was honestly on the fence until Duck made some valid points.

 

There must be some shared responsibility for what led up to the kiss. Although 20-seconds of being caught off guard may not warrant sounding the alarms with the Mrs - the first thing she is going to question are the circumstances and events leading up to the kiss.

 

Could it have been some simple flirting (on Ron's part)? Maybe. However, I was with me STBXWS for fourteen years, and I always carried myself in a manner that did not open the opportunity or invite for someone to plant one on me. Would it do wonders for my ego, sure! But no girl, whether she was a tramp, drunk, extremely attracted to me or all the above would ever get the signal that she could pull off a kiss.

 

Now, if he was at Marti Gras and a chic came out of the crowd and planted one on him, then he should laugh it off and tell the Mrs (granted, probably shouldn't be at Marti Gras w/o the Mrs). I think the window of plausible deniability is closing - I would have told my W the minute I walked in the door (while laughing); the longer he waits the more she will raise the red flags if/when he comes clean. After all, if it wasn't a big deal, then why didn't he just tell her.

 

What led up to the kiss(es) is the real issue. No offense Ron, you sound like a very good H, but you need to admit how this girl got the green light to lay one on you. It isn't the end of the world, I imagine you were shocked that your 'harmless' flirting worked so well - good to know you still got it! Now holster your side arm and go eat some humble pie...you'll be okay. It really isn't the end of the world, and in the end your Wife will respect you for coming clean.

[oldshirt]

If he tells his wife, he should do it in a sincere way and not put on some fake show. Whatever his feelings are, he should allow his W to see them. Otherwise what is the point of even attempting to have an honest, open, intimate M? If this whole thing makes him cry, then his W should see that. If it doesn't, she shouldn't. I think people should allow their spouse to know the real them, not some fake persona.

 

 

I didn't say anything about fake personas or putting on any shows or anything of the sort. That's kind of my point in fact.

 

He IS taking this very seriously and IS upset about it and if he goes making all these tearfull confessions and spilling his guts it will be sincere.

 

What I was getting at is his wife knows the games 22 year olds play better than he does and she knows that this little chicky-poo was just playing him for a fool.

 

If he goes and spills his guts at this point he is just going to look like a fool and she is going to lose respect for him not because he got off on a few seconds of a little hottie pressed up against him but because he got played by a little hussy and fell for it.

 

Again, this was a NONEVENT. This was some barroom frolicks and he got had a little bit of a hormone rush that he hadn't had in a long time and it put a little of a zap on his brain. This isn't an affair or a potential affair or any kind of indication that there is any lacking or anything wrong with his marraige. this is just some barroom antics that got outside of his comfort zone and it scared him.

 

He feels bad about it, he has no intention of "going there" and he's OK with the status quo of his marriage.

 

This train has left the station and the steam has cleared out of the depot. This is over, no harm done, no foul.

 

I would have told my wife about it if it was me cause to me and to my wife and to our marriage this is absolutely nothing...but that is us. To the OP and his wife it is something all together different. Only he can determine if it is in her best interests and the marraiges best interests to discuss it or not.

[woinlove]

I didn't say anything about fake personas or putting on any shows or anything of the sort. That's kind of my point in fact.

 

He IS taking this very seriously and IS upset about it and if he goes making all these tearfull confessions and spilling his guts it will be sincere.

 

What I was getting at is his wife knows the games 22 year olds play better than he does and she knows that this little chicky-poo was just playing him for a fool.

 

If he goes and spills his guts at this point he is just going to look like a fool and she is going to lose respect for him not because he got off on a few seconds of a little hottie pressed up against him but because he got played by a little hussy and fell for it.

 

Again, this was a NONEVENT. This was some barroom frolicks and he got had a little bit of a hormone rush that he hadn't had in a long time and it put a little of a zap on his brain. This isn't an affair or a potential affair or any kind of indication that there is any lacking or anything wrong with his marraige. this is just some barroom antics that got outside of his comfort zone and it scared him.

 

He feels bad about it, he has no intention of "going there" and he's OK with the status quo of his marriage.

 

This train has left the station and the steam has cleared out of the depot. This is over, no harm done, no foul.

 

I would have told my wife about it if it was me cause to me and to my wife and to our marriage this is absolutely nothing...but that is us. To the OP and his wife it is something all together different. Only he can determine if it is in her best interests and the marraiges best interests to discuss it or not.

 

Okay, I think we just differ in our opinion. I think if he goes to his wife and spills his guts honestly, he is just showing his W who is in and one should be safe to do that in a M. My H and I do it all the time. Sometimes the other reacts with comfort, sometimes the others says, yes, I can see why you feel bad, we have something to discuss here. Either way, we work it out. That's what people in love who trust each other and reveal their true selves do. I would never caution someone from showing his W what he is really feeling, because to me that is not a strong, intimate M. It's up to him if he tells or not, but if he does, my advice is just show how you really feel, even if that is crying.

[Cb3657]

I agree that some folks around here are way too far on the " tell them everything" train. Honesty is admirable but can also be destructive, if your wife is feeling horrible about herself and ask if you still find her attractive you don't typically say " well you were hotter 20lbs ago". Although that's honest it is hurtfull for no good reason.

I will say Ron' s guilt is really the troubling aspect of this, by his account he should have no trouble telling his wife some young lady kissed him, he did not initiate and walked away so where is the issue. if I was Ron in this scenario I would not be worried to tell but the guilt says he was sorly tempted.

I still say he should not tell her since it would be hurtfull for no good reason but he should also make sure he takes himself out of harms way and no more late nights with this crew. I believe that most people who don't cheat also don't place themselves in situations where cheating is likely. The next time you are out with this crew cheating is likely.

[standtall]

Why put down other posters, assigning them labels that may not fit? This just detracts from the civility of the thread. I'm not a betrayed spouse, but for me, honesty and intimacy is very important in my M. My advice differs from yours, in that I think it depends on what level of intimacy and honesty ron wants in his M, and that he shouldn't necessarily keep this a secret just because he wants to stay married. It depends on what kind of marriage he has and wants. The thing about posting on a public forum is you are likely to get differing opinions. It is more useful to criticize the content of the posts if you feel so compelled, than to criticize or put down the posters themselves, which is what you just did.

 

 

It wasn't directed at anyone in particular....nor to offend. For the authors who the shoe fits, it is written all over their threads. The intent on the statement "bitter, betrayed ones" was twofold

 

1. Up to that point a lot the responses were "confess"..I wanted to point out to the OP where the perspective of some of them were coming from, and what the truth...no matter what..can sound like.

Edited August 21, 2012 by standtall

[woinlove]

It wasn't directed at anyone in particular....nor to offend. For the authors who the shoe fits, it is written all over their threads. The intent on the statement "bitter, betrayed ones", was twofold.

 

1. Up to that point a lot the responses were "confess"..I wanted to point out to the OP where the perspective of some of them were coming from.

2. To point out to some posters how their betrayal pours out of their posts.

 

If it is written all over the threads, why do you need to point it out in an offensive way? As your say, your insult is not directed at anyone in particular, you could be insulting everyone who disagrees with you (that is the impression you give me) or just insulting some of the people who disagree with you. Similarly, one could speculate that your own need to repeatedly paint other posters as bitter, trying to have others join them in misery comes from your need to justify to yourself your own actions of treating others poorly. May not be true, just like your allegations of others may not be true. As I said, I think it just detracts from the civility of the thread to put down other posters, rather than focus on the posts themselves.

 

If you really only wanted 1, you would have simply said some argue "confess" because they have been betrayed by dishonesty. I argue in favor of honesty for intimacy in a M. Others may have other reasons. People don't just argue for honesty because they are bitter. As to 2, something for you to think about too, the need to post in this way, isn't it?

Edited August 21, 2012 by woinlove

[standtall]

I

 

If you really only wanted 1, you would have simply said some argue "confess" because they have been betrayed by dishonesty. I argue in favor of honesty for intimacy in a M. Others may have other reasons. People don't just argue for honesty because they are bitter. As to 2, something for you to think about too, isn't it?

 

Whatever..you say caramel, I say carmel. Please go opinion police someone else, or perhaps I should give you a blank and let you write would I should say so it is non-offensive to you. My advice was to the OP, not to you. You're quite apparently offended because you don't agree with my perspective about the honesty end, and will now find fault and argue about everything I post. That is your right, but don't expect me to go back and forth about it. You will not change my perspective.

 

The OP at the time when I put up the original post was getting beat up pretty bad by some of the posters that have recently see the end of their marriages. I wrote what I wrote and that is the end of it to me no matter how much you try and brow beat me.

 

OP, I noticed that you checked out when your where at the peak of getting bullied. Hopefully you got what you were seeking and heard the whole spectrum of opinions here.

[BetrayedH]

I agree that some folks around here are way too far on the " tell them everything" train. Honesty is admirable but can also be destructive, if your wife is feeling horrible about herself and ask if you still find her attractive you don't typically say " well you were hotter 20lbs ago". Although that's honest it is hurtfull for no good reason.

I will say Ron' s guilt is really the troubling aspect of this, by his account he should have no trouble telling his wife some young lady kissed him, he did not initiate and walked away so where is the issue. if I was Ron in this scenario I would not be worried to tell but the guilt says he was sorly tempted.

I still say he should not tell her since it would be hurtfull for no good reason but he should also make sure he takes himself out of harms way and no more late nights with this crew. I believe that most people who don't cheat also don't place themselves in situations where cheating is likely. The next time you are out with this crew cheating is likely.

 

Some might say that the OP shouldn't lie for no good reason.

[Cb3657]

There was no event here just a temptation, he does not have to lie just not offer a hurtfull story to a pregnant wife while she is uniquely vulnerable. I would say I would tell,but maybe not when she pregnant,cause women usually feel very bad about their looks then. Let's face it for all the BS's Out there if this was all that happened and no further you would still be happily married. Would you need to know then?

they are happy , let him be a human being who overcame temptation and let her be a happy new mom. I find this story a huge relief in nearly all the others the temptation was not overcome and the results are heartbreaking.