A female friend possible future wife without a father

[enoch7]

I have a female friend of mine who I've known for 6 years, it's been a very long time but she's 21 now and I am 22 (I am a year older). She lost her virginity to a friend of mine (around the same time I met her) she ended up having sex with her second guy, another friend of mine "by accident" (while I was actively pursuing her) I was a virgin around that time and wanted her genuinely. We were very very good friends and despite the abcense of her father (all her life) I managed to help her through her difficulties and mistakes BUT sexual contact never happened between us, (even though I was looking for her to be my first). We both had feelings for each other as teens but eventually tension, gossip and misunderstanding came in between us and left us apart. For some odd reason this has created a resentment/avoidance towards me which I will further elaborate on in the next paragraph.

 

Fast forward 3 years

 

I see this girl at my bestfriend/roomate's house and she reappears in my life, she tried having sex with my roomate but it didnt happen. Eventually they became good friends, we all be came cool occasionally we hangout with eachother and its been 3 years since she reappeared, although i dont see or hear from her on a consecutive basis. However our strong bond and friendship we have had in the past when I first met her has created a very very strong foundation in the way we view eachother. However there STILL hasnt been no sexual contact between us, she recently (2 days ago) had sex with ANOTHER good friend of mine and this has set off and created gossip, stress on her end AGAIN. I honestly dont like the fact that she had sex with a good friend of mine but deep down inside she is not my girlfriend so I have to accept it. Its almost as if history is repeating itself all over again (high school). Except this time she feels I am a common denominator and that I am a bad guy, deep down inside she knows I am a good guy she knows that I am good for her.

 

Now, due to her lack of fatherhood this has caused her to be a stripper. However I still see her as the same and honestly I would still marry her. But that is not my intention right now, right now my issue is trying to get on good terms with her and gain her trust it hurts me when she see's me as a big fat X when im the good guy. She said she feels like I am obsessed with her and I am some sort of psycho creep. She also said she (she didnt say this to me)feels that I come off as her father whenever I am giving her advice. I've told her that I Love her as a friend and I care for her, (just like when i first met her) I only want the best for her.We've even talked about marriage, we can really see ourselves together but I feel like a part of her is scared of me. She tends to distance herself from me openly but she communicates to me about alot of issues(stuff that good friends talk about/personal life issues). Due to her lack of fatherhood she needs a guy like me and she knows that. But at the end of the day everything is a process. I created a buisness opportunity for her and she see's this as a way out of stripping, however if we're going to work with each other we need to repair our relationship. Knowing that she is fatherless I have looked up symptoms of females without fathers I find her to be very similar. How should I go about this? How do I get back on good terms and deal with this situation? How do I gain her trust and have her realize and finally admit that I am a good guy?

 

Also another thing thats probably weird but very critical, we're both Aquariuses and we act alike in a sense.

Edited August 19, 2012 by enoch7

[amaysngrace]

If all she has had was chaos in her life, someone who's grounded may frighten her.

 

I would back off if I were you. You sound like you want to rescue her and that could indicate that you also have a problem with white knight or whatever. So if I were you I'd worry more about what's wrong with me rather than thinking about how not having a father affected her.

[Radu]

She's a wreck, move away slowly.

 

Why do you feel the need to be Captain Save-a-nutcase ?

[jocy_20]

She will only resent you the more you try to make her see what's the best for her. She need to see this herself, and if that mean she have to go threw he**, that's how it will be. You will not be able to help her right now.

[enoch7]

thanks alot guys, more responses are welcome.

 

Ive been thinking somewhere along those lines but a part of me still feels like letting her know im not the bad guy.

[Komsan6063]

Personally i would make a move on her. If she accepts you, do your best to take care of her an show her how much you care about her. But if she denies you id say get out of it an stop worrying about her because you will only be causing problems for yourself.

[MCGar]

This is no good.

 

People aren't going to get better unless they want to help themselves get better. It has to come from within. You can't be that drive or spark for her. She is actually very right in be wary of you. Even though she is messed up, it does her NO GOOD to lean on/depend on/be guided by someone that wants to be in a relationship with her. Think, that is why psychiatrists aren't allowed to have relationships with their patients. That dynamic is toxic and bad.

You are not her psychiatrist or counselor but you not only want that role, you also want a romantic relationship with her while using your friendship to get closer.

 

Don't do that.

 

If she wanted you, then you would be the one she would be sleeping with. Actually, if she wanted you, there wouldn't be excuses or barriers to both of you getting together.

 

Yes, maybe you can convince her to be with you because you think you are the best for her and you two share a strong comfort/bond from knowing each other and having a personality connection; but it's not the right way to get into a relationship with anyone.

 

It really isn't.

 

You should only want to get into healthy relationships because unhealthy relationships end up destroying the other person.

 

If you want to get married, you should WANT the other person to be someone that is suitable to be a parent to your future children and an equal adult and partner to you. Not someone that you need to help to stand on her own feet.

 

I know you probably won't take my advice to heart but really, instead of researching her problems you need to look into researching co dependance about yourself.

 

When you are experiencing frustration with your endeavors over her, please remember this advice and move in a different direction.

[enoch7]

This is no good.

 

People aren't going to get better unless they want to help themselves get better. It has to come from within. You can't be that drive or spark for her. She is actually very right in be wary of you. Even though she is messed up, it does her NO GOOD to lean on/depend on/be guided by someone that wants to be in a relationship with her. Think, that is why psychiatrists aren't allowed to have relationships with their patients. That dynamic is toxic and bad.

You are not her psychiatrist or counselor but you not only want that role, you also want a romantic relationship with her while using your friendship to get closer.

 

Don't do that.

 

If she wanted you, then you would be the one she would be sleeping with. Actually, if she wanted you, there wouldn't be excuses or barriers to both of you getting together.

 

Yes, maybe you can convince her to be with you because you think you are the best for her and you two share a strong comfort/bond from knowing each other and having a personality connection; but it's not the right way to get into a relationship with anyone.

 

It really isn't.

 

You should only want to get into healthy relationships because unhealthy relationships end up destroying the other person.

 

If you want to get married, you should WANT the other person to be someone that is suitable to be a parent to your future children and an equal adult and partner to you. Not someone that you need to help to stand on her own feet.

 

I know you probably won't take my advice to heart but really, instead of researching her problems you need to look into researching co dependance about yourself.

 

When you are experiencing frustration with your endeavors over her, please remember this advice and move in a different direction.

 

 

well said, thanks

 

I guess the best thing for me to do is just be a friend. I have to get her off my mind, she will make the move on me eventually.

[enoch7]

This is no good.

 

People aren't going to get better unless they want to help themselves get better. It has to come from within. You can't be that drive or spark for her. She is actually very right in be wary of you. Even though she is messed up, it does her NO GOOD to lean on/depend on/be guided by someone that wants to be in a relationship with her. Think, that is why psychiatrists aren't allowed to have relationships with their patients. That dynamic is toxic and bad.

You are not her psychiatrist or counselor but you not only want that role, you also want a romantic relationship with her while using your friendship to get closer.

 

Don't do that.

 

If she wanted you, then you would be the one she would be sleeping with. Actually, if she wanted you, there wouldn't be excuses or barriers to both of you getting together.

 

Yes, maybe you can convince her to be with you because you think you are the best for her and you two share a strong comfort/bond from knowing each other and having a personality connection; but it's not the right way to get into a relationship with anyone.

 

It really isn't.

 

 

So how should I go about this with her, I don't want to get into any relationship with her but indeed she is a very very strong future candidate. I prefer to see ourselves grow together as friends first, we are only 22. To start something now that would be too much of a rush. We're on better terms now since i started this thread, but we don't talk daily, and i know she is going through a lot. I haven't given her any advice but I've realized that she purposely doesn't come to me asking for direction for that same very reason.

 

 

You should only want to get into healthy relationships because unhealthy relationships end up destroying the other person.

 

If you want to get married, you should WANT the other person to be someone that is suitable to be a parent to your future children and an equal adult and partner to you. Not someone that you need to help to stand on her own feet.

 

Indeed and i definitely see this in her, but more so I know that her and I together can go VERY FAR in life. And i know that a part of her is just experiencing things with other dudes because she is still young and wants to have fun but damn, you should know what you get yourself into. Why is she complaining and being such a victim to lust?

 

I want to say that deep down inside when it comes to me she knows. But when something good is there why do females avoid it? Is she scared?

 

I know you probably won't take my advice to heart but really, instead of researching her problems you need to look into researching co dependance about yourself.

 

When you are experiencing frustration with your endeavors over her, please remember this advice and move in a different direction.

 

This advice definitely is what i needed to hear