Separation and husbands affair

[brave4me]

Husband and I now separated for three months. I thought a separation would be a few days or so, when I asked him to leave, but it turned into three months. I think he set me up to ask him to leave so he could justify, continue etc., his affair with a girl he met at work. I was recovering from major cervical spinal surgery when I asked him to leave, and I asked because he was so cold, uncaring, and slept in basement while I recovered. I could see other signs that something was wrong, but it all makes sense now.

 

To start I didn't think he would actually leave especially while I was healing and only in my second week of a six week recovery. I have been reminded OFTEN about the mistake I made in asking him to leave, not to mention that he would hold on to that statement, and use it to his advantage. Mind you, I ended that real quick when he did say "you should have thought about this before you asked me to leave" and I said, will you come back, I want you to come back, and he said 'i CAN'T." Because he said no, than I told him that he had no business using my asking him to leave as a weapon, end of subject.

 

He lied for the longest time about the fact that he was involved with someone else, but I finally got him to admit that it was part of the reason he did not want to come back.

 

He knew that would be the worst thing to happen to me, and knew what it would do to me. We both had been divorced prior to our marriages due to adultery from both our ex's., although my ex had his three strikes, although later found out there were hundreds more. My husband's ex was with three other guys, and broke his heart, the same way he is breaking mine. We are both christians, but what is happening here is so unchristianly on his part that it's downright morbid, degrading, and so cruel and evil on his part that it's very scarry.

 

Why is he going out of his way to hurt me so badly? I have done everything within my power, my church, etc., to maintain a christian attitude through all of this, but he keeps driving the knife in further and further. For three months he has avoided me, when he doesn't like what he hears on the phone he hangs up, and has turned his family and friends against me, and filled their heads with lies, as well as bashing me in the worst way he can I believe, to justify his AFFAIR. I just recently found out, that the gal he is with is short, very overweight, etc. I'm only saying this because I am tall, very thin, and he adores thin, and hates heavy. He always said to me that he can accept people that are overweight, but the minute they tick him off, he finds them anything but acceptable!!!!!!

 

God has really put me through every conceivable trial since our separation. Just last week I cut off two of my toes mowing the grass and was hospitalized for almost a week. Our pastor called him and told him about it, but when he came to visit the first night it happened amongst my friends, he was cold, uncompassionate, and bitter. I wish my pastor would have never told him, but you can't fault him for trying to keep my husband abreast of the accident.

 

Can anyone tell me what they think about this, or offer insight to the behavior of such a person? It's so cruel and his behavior towards me is anything but healthy. I'm not a mean or evil person, I'm so much the opposite. Most of my friends are so angry with him because they think the world of me, think my husband is really fortunate to have a wife like me (please, I'm not tooting my own horn, but it helps if you can understand how I'm viewed in my church, family, community etc) When my husband complete boot camp after joining military reserve two years ago, one of the things he said he definately underappreciated about his wife was the fact that I'm such a nice person. My friends, and their husbands hey say so often, what is he thinking, or does he know what he's thinking or doing?

 

He is in the process of going through church discipline. The last response I got from this board was this: as long as my husband has eyes for another girl, there is absolutely nothing I can do, which I guess if quite true. However, can anyone solve this mystery, or put this puzzle back in some type of order??????

 

THANKS FOR YOUR PATIENCE, THIS WAS A LONG ONE, BUT PLEASE WRITE ME..................GOD BLESS

[supermom]

He definetly doesn't deserve you. I know you want him back..but he doesn't deserve you. He is cheating on you, cold to you, i mean come on...you cut off toes, in the hospital, and he still is cold to you?

 

If I were in your shoes, I would be calling a lawyer and discussing your options. I would divorce him if I were you....things wouldn't be the same even if he came back right? You don't want to play mommy to him and ask him where he is all the time anyway right?

 

I think you should stop contacting him altogether. Let him worry about you. Let the OW piss him off.

 

I wish you the best of luck and keep us posted.

 

BTW did you get to save your toes? (on your feet of course)

[Mr Spock]

Don't you have anyone that can help you out with things like lawn mowing?

[brave4me]

You guys are way to cool for your responses. I know I should move on, but easier said than done, not to mention that I took a vow, and pray for miracles daily!! It's obvious he doesn't care, but after 8 years of marriage, how can a person just flip a switch, become than cold and uncaring and act the way he's acting? About the toes, no, I was not able to have them re-attached since the mower mangled what it chopped off. I asked my girlfriend to remove and clean up the "debris" so my son would not find in yard, after returning from basketball. She found bits and pieces, but nothing worthy of saving, nor did the Dr. at hospital ask if I had saved amputated parts???? We rent a duplex, and my husband always did the mowing, but since he has been gone, I took over mowing (although landlords said there son would mow) as I welcome the workout. However.............if I never mow the grass again, it will be too soon!^$*@^!*^# P.S. When I got home from hospital, I went back where the accident occurred and found more nail, flesh etc. The other question I've been asked by everyone is "were you wearing sandals?" I had on socks and tennis shoes. Fortunately, the mower wasn't set real low, and I consider myself lucky for only losing what I did. Landlords took over the yard work, and naturally felt terrible about the accident.

 

Thanks guys for your concerns, insight and replies.

[vee]

Dear Brave For Me-

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. Married 11 years in what I thought was a near perfect and happy marriage. Then lo and behold, he's not happy and leaves 10 days before our 11th anniversary. I find out he's had a girlfriend who "loves" him so much and he needed to be free in order to be with her. I was shocked. He left me right before her birthday, as a nice present to her. Over the past 2 years or so, and specifically the past 6 months, he became increasingly mean and nasty. Like you, I was asking, "Why are you treating me like this? I don't deserve this." He would hang his head and say, "You're right, I'm sorry." But the nastiness continued and escalated to unbelievable heights before he left. (It has now been about 4 months.)

 

I am so hurt, because like you, I did not deserve this.

 

My advice, coming from one who loves my husband with all my heart and soul, thought our marriage was until death us do part, you have to end it. That is what I am in the process of doing now. I am writing him letters stating my feelings. In another couple of weeks, I am going to an attorney and file for a divorce. These are the darkest days of my life and this will be the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. But, he left me no choice.

 

However, neither one of us deserve this treatment. To help myself, I am seeing a psychologist, I am going to join some divorce/separated groups through my psych and through my Church. And, unfortunately, time is the only thing that might help us.

 

Adultery is so painful and so specific that I am surprised that there are no groups that address this issue only. I have been looking, but have not found one group yet. Even this website does not really have specific help tips for victims of adultery. Because we are victims - a crime has been committed against us.

 

I hope this helps you in some small way.

[brave4me]

Hey Vee,

 

Thanks for your response to my situation. Yes, it did help, and as you can imagine, just having someone to understand exactly how you feel, helps tremendously.

 

My heart goes out to you, and I hope that time will cure the pain your also experiencing. I thought I was moving on, and really getting over this, but so often I find myself in a relapse.

 

Your so absolutely right Vee, we do not deserve this. Like someone told me, even if we were the worst possible wives, ever, it still doesn't justify adultery, abandonment, and cruelty in the worst form. Our husbands have a greater responsibility to us, biblically, than we do to them. They are head of the household, and God says that husbands should love their wives, like they love the Lord and their church. An old proverb I came across the other day said something like: "if a man has resentment or hardships with his wife, he also has hardships and resentment towards God. They are to have our best interests in mind, which includes how we feel, our faith, and

most of all, our comittment to each other.

 

The worst possible pain is having to accept my husbands relationship with the other woman, knowing they are sexually involved, and practically living together, while I sit home, begging God for mercy on my life. I have been told by so many people to seek counseling, and it may help, but what it boils down to, is the pain can't be removed, and there is not one thing in my opinion, anyone can say or do to make it any easier. I'm not trying to sound negative, but I have always had my faith, and have a pretty strong relationship with God, and know that only HE can get me through this. But, it takes time, and a tremendous amount of strength. I don't think we ever get over the pain, I think we just start to get used to it, and accept the situation, for that is all we can do.

 

I think counseling is a good thing, do not get me wrong, but I believe that it is all in our attitude. Each day we have to tell ourselves that we will get through this, take the right attitude, and give our burdens to God.

 

I wanted to share one more thing, which I learned the hard way. You mentioned that you try to tell him how you feel, but unfortunately, they don't care how you feel. If they did, you wouldn't be in this situation to begin with. I believe they are aware of our feelings, and they know what they are doing is wrong, and know how cruel and painful it must be, but they don't want to be held accountable, nor do they want to face it. What I have done, is killed my husband with kindness. I've been cooperative, upbeat, positive, and inspirational. It tells them that your strong, and that if one day, they would decide to come back, then this is the woman they want to come back to.

 

Does your husband want a divorce, or has he talked about it?

 

Sorry I rambled on like I did, it's just nice to have someone I know, who can relate to this nightmare.

 

God bless, and look forward to hearing from you.

 

Patty

[vee]

Originally posted by brave4me

What I have done, is killed my husband with kindness. I've been cooperative, upbeat, positive, and inspirational. It tells them that your strong, and that if one day, they would decide to come back, then this is the woman they want to come back to.

 

Does your husband want a divorce, or has he talked about it?

 

Dear Patty,

Sorry it took me so long to respond. First of all, "...if one day...my husband...would decide to come back, then this is the woman they want to come back to." No, no, no!

 

Patty, trust me on this. Although emotionally we want them to come back to us more than anything else in the world because you still love him, you do not want him back after the terrible ways he has treated you. You deserve better than that and better than him. Once a husband breaches our trust by having an affair, falling in love with another woman, leaving us for that other woman and stomping on our already damaged and fragile egos, to take him back would be emotional suicide. With both you and I, our husbands took the adultery to ultimate levels of betrayal. Judging from your story, you are not a mean or bad woman, but a loving and kind one. So there is absolutely no reason why he has to stomp on your heart and soul other than to try and justify in his own mind his bad behaviors. This is a sign of a terribly corrupt man, both morally and ethically.

 

Believe me when I tell you that I would do anything to undo what my husband has done, or to turn back the hands of time to try and change the outcome. But, I can not change it, nor can he. Therefore, I have no choice but to move forward, as painful as that is. Almost every minute of every day is agonizing for me. It does get better in miniscule increments after 3-4 months pass. I mean in tiny, tiny, tiny ways, it is a teeny, tiny bit better. Instead of every minute being agony, I can skip one minute here or there.

 

I know you said you were not interested in a therapist, but from my own experience, it helps a little. Again, just to help this excruciating pain a little bit, in my book, is worth it. It is fine to pray to God for help, but God helps those that help themselves. If you are feeling anything like I am, I think you need a trained professional, human being to talk to. This person is better than talking to family and friends because they are not emotionally involved and can give you more sound advice, as well as give you more insight to help yourself. You want to try to avoid any future bad choices. You have to try and give yourself the most chance for success in this battle of pain. A good therapist can only help you. If you have an affiliation with a specific church or religion, they can recommend someone for you.

 

No my husband does not want a divorce. He is trying to stop me from filing for one, by telling me that he still loves me and that he wants to live near me in our neighborhood. He is throwing me a line back to him, without committing himself back to me yet. He is still with this other woman, so he is not ready to come back. But, at the same time, he knows how good he had it with me, and doesn't want to lose me in case he decides he wants to return. The only power I have in this disaster is that I can file for the divorce. It gives me a small measure of power in a situation where he has made me powerless. I do not think he left me a choice. For my own self worth, I have to divorce this lowlife.

 

Hoping you are coping just a teeny bit better than yesterday...Hang in there.

 

Vee

[StillHurtin]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree, kill him w/ kindness! My mother told me the samething when I went through what you are going through. And believe me it does work! My situation is a little like yours. My Dh filed for a D and I kicked him out of our home. We were married almost 11 years. During our seperation he had an affair w/ a co-worker. I couldn't stand the OW in the first place b/c I knew she was after my dh since the day they met at work. Long story. She even tried to be my friend throughout those 3 years b4 she slept w/ him.

When I called her and confronted her about the A she of course denied it and told me she would talk to my dh and see if she could "change his mind about the divorce" and all along she was just waiting for the perfect time to open her legs for him. My dh was cruel to me at times during our seperation but he didn't say anything bad until I started slamming the OW and yelling at him about the A. My mom finally told me to stop and start killing him w/ kindness and that is what I did and it worked. We got along great when he would come over to see the kids. I didn't want the D. I tried so hard to make him change his mind. After about 2 months our kids and I moved away. We lived 90 miles away from dh. About a month later he called begging me to take him back. He admitted to the A. He said if he wanted me to take him back he could no longer lie to me. I told him that he needs to get counseling and proove to me that he regrets the A.

I wish you the best of luck and happiness. I hope that you can work things out where you can be happy. I know I did A LOT of praying.