Betrayed&Stayed Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 What is obvious to some, is not obvious to all. A remorseful WS that wants to reconcile should be willing to abide by the NC request. Otherwise reconciliation is sabotaged from the get go. The main reason being is every contact after d-day is another kick in the gut to the BS. It's insult on top of injury. It is a trigger. It rips the scab off a already hurting wound. As a BS, I couldn't care less if the AP got hit by a bus. Why should I be concerned with his (or her) "health" if he didn't give a damn about my health, my marriage, my family, my life, etc? 8
nofool4u Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Ok this is an extension of NinjasHusband saying NC is rule #1 for a BS is no contact of any kind with the former lover. Can I ask for an explanation for why this is so and how can it be healthy? For anyone. Uh, because the BS shouldn't have to put up with further disrespect and any kind of contact between their spouse and lover. It can't be healthy to just drop out of your life like that for either of the extramarital partners. It might not be healthy for the WS, but thats just tough s**t for them. What do you think the BS goes through knowing that their spouse is still in contact with the person they were betrayed with? It can't be healthy for a BS to demand you just change your feelings or are cruel to someone We full well know someone can't change their feelings, we are expecting the contact to stop, and stopping contact to someone that knows they are messing around with a married person is not cruel. The cruelty comes from both the married person and the other person hurting someone else. how does that show you love them? Really? You think that if someone loves their cheating spouse that they should put up with continued disrespect and heartache? Really? And how is it healthy to police someone like that? Its not, which is why I always advise divorcing a cheater. And if you can't trust then isn't it better to move on than consume your life with surveillance? Absolutely. Its better to move on even if you had no intention of policing them for the rest of your life. Why stay with a POS? What purpose can no contact possibly serve except making a control freak out of the BS and that's pretty unattractive. Expecting a cheating spouse to stop no contact with their affair partner, IF WS wants to work on the marriage, isn't controlling and serves the purpose of reconciliation. Because there is no reconciliation as long as the WS is still cheating, emotionally or otherwise. The way you talk, the BS should put up with continued disrespect out of fear of seeming "controlling". Why would a cheating spouse suddenly hate their former lover? It makes no sense to me for anyone. Thats because it has nothing to do with hating the former lover. It has to do with honoring his marriage, if thats possible, and moving on from something that shouldn't be happening. And if the OP can't understand that, too bad. I get that it gives you short term peace of mind. But it's not healthy to rely on that. So what you are saying is the BS should just put up with it. Its not ok for the cheater and OP to suffer any heartache, so why not continue with hurting the BS? THAT is what doesn't make sense. 4
NotCamelot Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I have a question for the op: Why should the AP's feelings matter more than your spouse's? Could you explain that? 4
Spark1111 Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 What is obvious to some, is not obvious to all. A remorseful WS that wants to reconcile should be willing to abide by the NC request. Otherwise reconciliation is sabotaged from the get go. The main reason being is every contact after d-day is another kick in the gut to the BS. It's insult on top of injury. It is a trigger. It rips the scab off a already hurting wound. As a BS, I couldn't care less if the AP got hit by a bus. Why should I be concerned with his (or her) "health" if he didn't give a damn about my health, my marriage, my family, my life, etc? Actually, in the best scenarios, a WS doesn't just abide by a NC request, they actively institute it themselves as a way to demonstrate the seriousness of their intentions to reconcile with their BS. NC = No NEW HURTS for the BS and the AP. The WS has finally committed to one person( not always the spouse), one relationship and proves it by going NC. 3
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